Victoria Greene

Baby Blues

Mr. Luciano paced around the apartment frantically. This was not the reaction I expected and I was upset. I had taken Galina's advice and gone to the doctor who informed me that I was pregnant. Initially, I was disappointed I was a young unmarried n***o woman carrying a mulatto baby. But I soon realized this could work to my advantage. Since I was having his child I assumed he would marry me to legitimize our baby but I was sorely wrong.

"Sh*t how did this happen". He said pacing around.

"We made love Charles". I said and he stopped pacing and looked at me.

"We had s*x". He said and I realized when I was making love he was having s*x. There's a difference.

"Well, what are we going to do". I said choosing to ignore his comment.

"Get rid of it obviously". He said and I gasped.

"Excuse you". I said.

"I don't want it". He said and I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart.

"Listen I know someone who can do it safely". He said. Abortions were illegal in those days and they were dangerous since there was no medical equipment to assist. Some people even used hangers.

"You don't want our baby". I said and my hand went to my belly.

"I want ya, listen it will just cause problems for us. I had a gal of mine do it once and she was fine". He said as he gently took my face in his hands. I don't what disgusted me the fact that he wanted me to have an abortion or the fact that he had impregnated a woman and had her have one.

"You're sick". I said removing his hands from me.

"If ya keep it then we're done". He said and I felt the tears run down my face.

"Well okay then".I said.

"And you will not expect me to play daddy dearest to it". He said and I felt my heartbreak.

"Goodbye Charles". I said turning around and leaving. He had just crushed my dreams with a few words.

I tried turning around to find a better sleeping angle but my large belly prohibited me. I had not spoken to Mr. Luciano in over five months and the doctor estimated the baby would come in December which was in two months. I had quit my job and moved back home to the south, to say my family was disappointed would be an understatement. My father's heart broke, even more, when he learned that the father was white, he had specifically warned me to stay away from them because of incidents like these. I was already planning to look for a job but I knew it would be difficult in this economy. I used the money I had saved to buy things for the baby and to help around the house, I knew it would run out soon because babies are expensive and I didn't know what I would do next. I left everything he bought me behind, perhaps I should have taken it and sold it but at that time I was too overwhelmed with anger. I got up to my feet and wobbled to the kitchen to get a glass of water

"Hey, baby". My grandmother said from behind me as I opened the tap getting myself water.

"Hey, nana". I said in a small voice.

"Is the baby treatin' ya well?". She asked and I nodded.

"Ya look so unwell baby what's wrong". She said touching my face with her rough hand as a result of all those days of picking cotton in her youth on her former master's plantation.

"I'm so sorry nana". I said and she hugged me.

"I thought he would change". I said.

"Oh, sweetheart ya can't change anyone". She said and I nodded.

"I love him so much". I cried as my grandmother comforted me. I never understood how Mr. Luciano could sleep with so many women without developing feelings. To me, s*x was not only an act of intimacy but also vulnerability. Two people naked touching each other in the most sensual way, the whispering of sweet nothings. The pain, the pleasure. I finally realized why my parents always said I should save myself for marriage an act like that should be reserved for someone who held your heart and whom's heart you held. Unfortunately for me, I gave my heart to someone who didn't have one.