Asleep *FINISHED!/COMPLETE*

*Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

I screamed the entire way back to Jase’s house for Kai to turn around and go get him, but he refused. He and Maven both ignored my pleas. They just kept saying that Jase knew what he was doing and that he would be ok. But I didn’t know that.

They couldn’t know that with certainty. They seemed to have some history or knowledge of my brother, but that didn’t mean they fully knew or understood what he was capable of. What his men were capable of. I shuddered at the thought of Rigs laying his hands on me and causing me feelings of either immense pain, or uncontrollable drunkenness again.

My throat felt raw from screaming, as I now sat perfectly still and quiet, finding myself back at the Cross’s mansion.

I was staring out the glass windows that encased the courtyard, trying to shut out the events of the day. It was raining, and even though rain normally made me feel oddly joyful and content, at that moment all I felt was lost and confused. I was fixated on the tiny ripples that danced across the massive swimming pool, continuously and sporadically created by each raindrop that fell from the darkened sky.

Kai, Maven, and Thomas were in the room with me, having hushed conversations over why Jase wasn’t with us, and relaying some of the events that had transpired in our ordeal with Callen. Every now and then, some of their words would filter through the haze in my mind. More than once I heard someone say something that sounded like “she must be in shock.”

My brain was trying to grasp at the distant thought that the “she” they were referring to, could in fact, be me. But there was something blocking my mind from processing. Some sort of built in failsafe to keep my brain from short circuiting when it became overloaded with information and emotion… and overloaded didn’t even begin to describe what I was at that point. I had so many questions. I was so confused and just felt so… lost.

For whatever reason, the only thought that I wouldn’t let slip away for too long from my mind, was Jase.

Where was he? Was he safe? Why did he leave me like that?

The thoughts seemed to play on a loop inside my mind. I needed him to be ok, needed him to come home, to… I didn’t even know. I just needed to know that he was alive and not tied up somewhere by my apparently psychopathic brother. Any thoughts of Callen in those moments though, I let slip away easily.

I couldn’t process that hurt just yet.

In the same moment that I felt an unchecked tear roll down my cheek, I heard the lock on the front door click, right before it was pushed open with a mild creek.

Tears were now spilling freely as I held my breath, waiting to hear if it was him. But I didn’t, couldn’t, turn around for fear that my hope would be shattered, and I’d lose my mind wholly and completely at seeing anyone other than Jase walk through that door.

Why did I even care so much?

The thought came without invitation and I searched inside myself for an answer. Something that made sense in the chaos that was my life. Some reason for my attachment that didn’t make me feel crazy.

Maybe it was because he had saved my life. More than once. Maybe it was because he was the only human being on this earth that I could remember showing me kindness, that didn’t also come with a price or ulterior motive. At least not one that I knew of… yet.

Well, the only one aside from Zander. But that was different. We had needed each other to survive that place. This felt different.

Jase was different.

It didn’t seem that there was anything in this world I could possibly offer him, at least nothing positive, but yet he’d still helped me. What could I ever offer him in return? His life was like a dream. A perfect house, a perfect family, money, friends… And I was a broken girl with nothing and no one. I suddenly felt like a dark blemish on his otherwise beautiful and spotless world.

I don’t belong here.

The thought reverberated around in my mind, echoing in an aching intensity.

And that one thought now had my chest clenching with a fierceness worse than any grief I’d ever felt before.

You don’t belong here.

My mind repeated against my will, and I nearly choked on the sob that tried to break loose from my chest.

Then Maven’s shriek pulled me from my inward spiral.

“Oh My God! Jase! What the hell, dude?!”

“Maven,” Thomas gently chastised, though for what, I’m not entirely certain.

“Sorry,” Maven sounded more meek than I’d ever heard her. “Just glad to see you’re alive and kicking, kid. Don’t pull that sh-… crap… again.” She glanced at Thomas. “We were totally in the dark wondering what that was all about. We were so worried about you, you i***t!”

So I’d been right to worry then. I could always tell when people weren’t being fully straight with me.

“Ya, dude. What was that? What did you see that made you bail… and how did you even get home??” Kai piped in then, sounding genuinely concerned for his brother.

A brief pang of hurt rang through me as the thought of my own brother once caring for me in that way assaulted my memories, and that same sob I’d been trying to hold back ripped through my chest before I could quiet it.

“Ellie,” Jase whispered in a panicked worry to no one in particular, completely ignoring the questions of Maven and Kai as he rushed over to me. “Ellie, babe, are you alright?”

I was so relieved that he was here, that I barely registered him calling me babe. He probably called all the broken girls he brought home that.

When I didn’t respond or even look at him, he knelt down beside me and brushed the hair out of my eyes before gently lifting my chin. “Ellie, baby, look at me. Are you ok?”

I shut my eyes so tightly I thought my head would explode, and then finally found the strength to open them, willing the tears away. I made eye contact with him ever so briefly, my brows knit together in confusion at the random terms of endearment and the indescribable warmth that spread through my chest at the sound of those words on his lips, before finally looking away again. I pulled my legs up onto the chair and hugged them tightly.

I already knew I didn’t belong here, and the last thing I wanted was for him to see just how true that was. To see how broken I was. To see me cry. To see how much I had worried over him… to a depth that I didn’t even fully understand yet. And I definitely did not want him to see an ounce of weakness within me. Weakness only left you vulnerable, open to more potential hurt.

“Elliana…” his voice trailed off, barely above a whisper now. “I need you to look at me, I need to know that you’re ok…”

My eyes snapped up at the full use of my given name, and then bulged when I processed his words. All the pent up emotions I’d been bearing had built up beyond capacity. The thoughts of being rejected, of being homeless, of being utterly and completely alone in this world. Apart from this perfect stranger, who now apparently wanted to t*****e me further by offering me some feign sense of hope that maybe I did belong, with his concern and unfounded terms of endearment… No. That kind of hope was a dangerous thing, and my heart couldn’t allow it to take hold so easily, not when it was already a tattered mess inside my chest.

I snapped.

“YOU need to know if I’M ok?!? You are the one who… who RESCUED me… And then shoved me in a car with more or less complete STRANGERS so you could… could, what?! Chase after my worst nightmare?? Go on some sort of lone wolf mission and get yourself killed?!?”

Damnit.

My emotions were betraying me. I needed to get away from this. From him.

I stood up, clenching my fists at my sides, and steeled myself, even as fresh tears rolled down my face, once again, unchecked. “No,” I said, the hardness in my voice surprising even myself, “ I am NOT ok… and I don’t need you or anyone else to do anything for me. You’ve done enough!”

I don’t know why I yelled at him, but anger held me.

I don’t belong here.

As I stormed out of the room, my chest ached so tightly, so fiercely, that I was certain whatever pieces of my heart that remained intact, would shatter at any moment.

I had briefly debated running out the front door, but instead I ran down the hallway, up the stairs, and straight into the room he had given me the first and only night I’d stayed here. Well, for half the night at least.

I had ignored the sound of his footsteps rushing after me, along with the pleas of the others present asking him to give me some time and space; all the while wondering what in the actual hell was wrong with me. I slammed the door to the bedroom and threw myself on the bed and screamed into the pillows.