Through the cracks

Chapter Twelve

Ava thought hard about the question she was asked, she already knew the answer too:

"I think Lucas has already made the choice for us. And for me, I will never be able to trust him again. There is no turning back. I just want to walk away from this with my dignity intact. I want to walk away with what is owed to me. I want my children's lives to not be impacted by our failed marriage."

James looked into her big green eyes filled with tears:

"I can get you all of that," he said with confidence. And for a short moment they stared into each other's eyes. Ava reaches for her bags and quickly starts to get up to break the uncomfortable, awkward chemistry between them. She quickly shakes his hand but trips on the carpet and James shifty catches her. Now even more aware of the attraction, she blushes and heads towards the door feeling somewhat embarrassed.

James Jones or JJ, as his friends call him, has the appeal of a man who is smart, handsome and wealthy.

"Wait! I'll walk you out." the lawyer said, and went jogging after her. As soon as he catches up to her, he pushes the door open for her and gently places his hand on her back, slightly guiding her out of the building.

Ava relives the moment when he caught her. In his strong arms against his muscular chest. Ava realizes that she must leave as soon as possible as she doubts her own ability to cope with his unsettling presence, so she murmured an excuse and walked away in an unnecessary hurry.

James watched her walk away hastily. He feels an unfamiliar ache in his groin as he admires her tanned legs and remembers her beautiful eyes. He had been intrigued by this woman from the first time she came to see him. It had been a long time since he really felt chemistry between himself and a woman. She was not aware of how absolutely gorgeous she was. That useless husband of hers should have been grateful that she loved him so much.

He knows that she is still so vulnerable and totally torn between love and hate for her soon-to-be ex-husband and that she will not be ready for a new relationship any time soon, but still he cannot help but to get the strangest feelings, and he has trouble concentrating and being professional in her presence when he just wants to take her in his arms and kiss away all the hurt and tears. He wanted her so badly but he realizes that he would have to ignore these feelings as she is his client and that is all.

Ava drove home and felt ashamed of her thoughts. She would have to think of him as her lawyer and nothing else. She is not even divorced yet and thoughts like these are really not appropriate- especially at her age.

When Ava gets home, Iris’s car is in the driveway. She finds Iris in the family room with a sandwich and a cup of coffee which she shares with Kristy. “Don’t feed Kristy ham sandwiches”, Ava says. She had already fed Kristy before she went to see her lawyer. Kristy loves Iris and Iris always spoils her.

“ He called… Lucas, I mean dad did. He phoned me at work. After months of no contact, he suddenly calls me. I didn't even know he knew where I worked.”, Iris says.

“He phoned you at work? He is probably looking for someone to confide in,” Ava asked.

“He invited me to dinner.”

“And you’re going?”

“I don’t think so. I haven’t really talked to dad this past year. He just wants me to side with him, not you. That’s why he is inviting me. I will, anyway, not go to his house with his new family and I don’t know if he meant that we must go to a restaurant for dinner alone or if he wants to introduce his new family to me.”

Ava thinks of the letter she found in Lucas’s room. Voilet must meet her siblings, Eva wrote.

“He is your father. You might have to meet them at some point?"

“That’s what Millie said,” Iris replied.

“Millie is right. You and your dad should be communicating. Don’t mind me. What’s happening between us has nothing to do with your relationship with your dad. We will sort out our issues.”

"I can’t forgive him for what he did. Anyway, we were never close. In fact, I don’t even know if I love him. Mom, you know that he is a narcissist? I have known that for years already, mom, and you must still realize it, so I am not going to fight with you about it. You are blinded by his faults, but you will see in time just how low he can go. You still think that he will at some point be sorry. He will never be sorry. He is only sorry he got caught.” Iris said briskly.

"Your father still loves you, Iris and it probably took a lot for him to reach out after you have ignored him for so long." Ava tried to convince Iris that she should not be so harsh on her dad.

"Are you really trying to make me feel sorry for him? Look at how he treats you after all these years. Like garbage. That should be enough for me to see that he is an asshole! Don't force me to reach out to him when I do not even like him."

Iris glanced at her watch and bolted out of her chair.

"I am late for a date. Sorry mom, got to go“ she said and hurried to her car.

Iris follows her own rules in life, one of which is too avoid people that are always looking to create problems and conflicts. After years of constantly arguing with her father, she at one point decided to just stay away from her. And that brought her peace. Maybe that is why Iris is so happy, even if she always ends up alone again.

Ava is left with her own thoughts, and she suddenly realized that she is all alone. Not just in the house, but in her situation. Her children can offer her support and her attorney can guide her and try to legally end this, but still, she is one that will have to face up to him. If only he would listen to her and just be fair and reasonable from the start. This doesn't have to end with the children hating him. Surely he can understand that his actions have a direct impact on the entire family, not just the two of them. Iris is right, she still makes excuses for him, something she has been doing since they met.

While relaxing in the bathtub, Ava's thoughts are all over, trying to convince herself that she was not crazy for believing all these years that Lucas was a good person. And somewhere inside there is still a good person. She has to believe this for her own sanity. How could she have missed this other person, his alter ego, you can say, for all these years?

She climbs out of the tub and sees herself in the fogged-up mirror. She suddenly sees all her flaws, every small imperfection. She had never felt this old. Maybe Lucas was just fed up with her not being able to keep up with his energy. He was away a lot and Ava would constantly find herself snacking because she was bored. She didn't want to walk alone with Kristy, because she did not feel safe and without Lucas there, she had no one to keep her motivated. She realizes she needs to lose a little weight, not because she needs to, but for her health and to get her energy levels up. And it wouldn't hurt to prove Lucas wrong that she had let herself go.