I Am Not Uptight!

The Zoo part 9

Josh and Daniel found themselves sitting on one of the benches by the aquarium. It had been Daniel’s idea—saying that he found the place to be calming, and he seemed to be right. They sat there and spent a solid five minutes watching underwater creatures swim by them quietly as they sipped on their warm cups of coffee.

By that time, Josh was pretty sure that their tour group was already over at the last stop, and Mr. Pritch would have already noticed they were gone. It wasn’t as if they were skipping class or something very important, but the thought of it made him feel a bit uncomfortable, especially since they just got up and left without telling anybody.

He really did end up ditching the tour with Daniel—which was another thing to add to the list of new things that the old boring and uptight Josh would never have done.

As his thoughts swam along with the fishes in front of them, his mind somehow made its way back to Perry. If he had been just a little bit more adventurous like he had been that day, would they still be together—he wondered—or would he have had to change himself completely? Could things have turned out differently?

“What are you thinking?”

Josh’s train of thought broke as Daniel spoke. He glanced at the man to see him looking straight ahead at the school of fish that was passing them by. There was a metaphor in there about himself somehow, Josh knew, but he couldn’t put it properly into words.

“Something about how I’ve always tried to go with the flow of life, kind of like the fishes over there,” he honestly answered, but then he heard how ridiculous he sounded when it came out of his mouth and that made him let out a soft, embarrassed chuckle. “I think I’m trying too hard to be ‘deep’ here. The aquarium is supposed to be a nice place to think about some existential thoughts—at least according to Gary—so I thought I’d give it a whirl; but to be honest with you, I’m at a blank. I have no idea how I became the way that I am, why I am so rigid, and I—” he stopped as he saw Daniel’s face in the reflection of the glass in front of them. There was a small knot in the middle of his eyebrows, like he was troubled or thinking so deeply. Josh quickly turned to him and put on a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’ve become introspective all of a sudden. I’m droning on.”

Daniel glanced at him for a second and softly smiled before looking back at the water in front of him. “You’re fine,” he said, and then he became quiet once more as his troubled expression returned. Josh wasn’t sure if it was because of what he had said, but before he had a chance to ask, Daniel turned to him again and spoke.

“Maybe you thought you’d get love if you did everything you were supposed to,” he suddenly said. At first, Josh was confused as to what he meant, and then he realized he was responding to his earlier musings. “Or maybe it’s because you’re just doing what you know and what you’re used to. Or maybe you’re acting out of fear. By being consistent and having a set structure—a set of rules—you would know what results to expect, and chances are you’d be right 9 out of 10 times; but if you act on impulse or you do something out of the ordinary, you don’t know where you’d end up—hurt or happy—and you don’t want to take on that gamble. You’re scared of the ugly results so you don’t want to take that chance, even if you just might end up getting the good end of the deal.”

Josh stared at Daniel for a second, too stunned to speak and wondering if Daniel’s words rang true for him. But more importantly, if they did, what then?

 “That’s…” Josh found himself saying, followed by a big sigh. “That’s a lot of thought for an aquarium.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Daniel shrugged and smiled then turned his attention back to the creatures in front of them. In that moment underneath the soft blue light, despite his general appearance and forgetting what just happened with Marshall the monkey, he actually seemed like a man wise beyond his years.