Memoir of Cloud

Cloud Hudges

Cloud Hudges

It is raining so hard today. I knew so because I could hear the loud rushing of leaves and branches just beside our balcony. I never hated rain; it calms me as a matter of fact.

I slowly opened my eyes as I closely feel the coldness of the bed beside me, empty. Ha, he didn’t come home last night either how many nights has it been? 5 nights? A week? Hmm I think I’ve lost count; I miss him so much when will he come home to me? Even if I feel ashamed hugging him… I would like to try once he’s back. It’s been a while since my heart felt at ease while hugging him. Damian, I miss you so much my love I have something to tell you please come back home tonight darling.

A tear slowly escapes my eyes, but I wipe it almost too quickly. This is no time to be crying I have to be strong for us. I forced a smile and slowly sat on the bed, looking around this room remind me of so many memories from the very moment we brought this apartment. This has been my routine every day, at least by doing this my heart is somewhat filled with joy, and hope that everything will soon be better. He just needs time to think, I will be patient, after all I could do anything for him, a little bit more time away from me shouldn’t hurt, right?

Now it’s is time for me to do my routine and clean the house. Damian hates it when the house is messy so I always clean it, everyday actually, in case he decides to go home for a while and see me. And maybe to reconcile and talk things out. I smiled at the thought of him coming back and hugging me to his dear life, this is how we usually fix things haha… before. He would always get out of the house, come back in the evening, hug me, and kiss me while crying. He would go around and about saying he was sorry and will act like a child haha. Then we would kiss and make up, and he would always show me how much he loves me as he gently cares my lips and body. I tried waking myself up from my own day dream, it’s not like he would ever dare to touch me again… I proved that just the other night we were in the same bed. He was disgusted. Who would want a dirty woman right? It’s fine, it’s gonna be fine. As long a he would finally give me the chance to explain things it’s gonna be alright… I’ve been practicing all day you see.

I get all this hopes from the mere fact that Damian still goes home from time to time, he neglects me but he never abandoned me. His clothes, his things, his faint smell all around the house, it’s our home. Without him I would’ve already died long ago from starvation, or homeless because I couldn’t pay the rent. This is what I could give him as a repayment. Although even without all of that I will still stay, in his arms and warmth. As I was fixing the bed my eyes landed on the balcony, in rainy days like this he would make us coffee and we would cuddle each other while reading books and laughing to our hearts content, God, everything reminds me of him, I miss him so much. I walk my way to the big glass door, opened it as the rain drops touched my face and night robe, I looked at the bottom hoping to see his car driving were he usually park but still, there is no trace of him. We lived on the fifth floor of our building I would’ve seen him for a fair distance but no. He’s not coming home today.

I slowly closed the door

*sigh

If I was a better woman like I was before, would you run coming back to me? Probably, if only I wasn’t….

Forcing a smile on my lips I left the room and started cleaning every corner of our living area. No, I never really cared eating breakfast in the morning. That would be such a waste of the supplies Damian brought for us every week. Sometimes he would personally bring it home and we would eat together silently without speaking a word then he would stay with me for 3 days. If his work schedule is tight, I assume, he will just leave without saying a word. Sometimes when he can’t really come, he would ask his secretary to deliver it here. You see he didn’t really forget that he has a live in partner waiting for him, he’s just busy and usually stay in his office. One of this day I will be his wife waiting for him, I’m sure he still loves me he’s just mad and disappointed, he loves me it’s just not out of pity there’s just no way, we love each other for 12 years now.

I always make sure that I have all the ingredients and I could cook him the best dinner and lunch when he’s home. I looked in the mirror and frown, I’m so unattractive aren’t I. I stepped closer and my imperfections became even more vivid. Dark eye circles, stress skin, am I too fat? I should definitely go on a diet what if he leaves me for real because of this? What if he comes home today and see my pathetic situation? I finished my cleaning duties as fast as I could and enter our shared room.

Taking a warm bath after doing chores is always such a relaxing thing to do, didn’t want to smell bad when he arrives. After that I rummage through the vanity desks that he gave to me as a gift 3 years ago to search for make-up that I could use, I never used this ever since that day but seeing myself in the mirror… I could now see the reason why he’s so distant. As a matter of fact, everything that I own as of now was a gift from him that had stopped 2 years ago but its fine my shirts seem even loose to me for some reason so I didn’t really need new ones. Back when I was still working, I would also buy lots of gifts for him and save for the future but never for myself, I don’t buy something for me unless it is very necessary. I wanted to work as well but when I tried to tell this to Damian, he got so angry and almost slap me, but he could never really do that, he left that day and I didn’t see him for a month after that so there is no way I am telling that to him ever again.

Alas! My make up is finally done. I didn’t do much though since I will only be staying in the house today… as always. I wore my favorite shirt and shorts and went to the living area to read books. I have a phone but I rarely use it since I don’t really like social media ever since oh! I still remember how my friends would force me to wear this and that haha they are the ones who teach me how to dress up. I miss them to but I don’t think they remembers me though, nobody ever reached out to me for a while. Maybe they are too busy with their personal lives now just like I am.

As I was about to sit, I felt my stomach turning upside-down so I ran straight into the bathroom and puke a lot, I didn’t even eat anything. I know what is causing this… I really need to see a doctor soon, I should tell Damian ones he arrives, would he be thrilled? I went back to the shelves and I am trying to decide what book should I read when something caught my attention. I don’t want to look at this everyday like a creep but I really just can’t help it. The memories, the joys, him. I pulled out the album from the shelves, opened it and there I saw yet again our first photo together. In a high school tour at a monumental park in another city. We don’t look one bit happy about in this photo haha, Damian was a genius asshole for me back then, he always looks so grumpy and he would shoot cold gazes as me and I always gladly give him back his stare. We used to be like that until one day he asked me out.

I was about to look at the next photo when I heard the door unlocked. I stand up as fast as I could from my sit and ran towards the door. It’s him, he’s home.

“D-Damian, welcome home” I was looking down, I could never look him in the eyes again but I knew it was him just from his scent. He stood there wearing his office suit with two bags full of grocery and frozen meat.

“Hm, yes take this” He spoke in his cold dark voice, almost like he made sure my heart felt it. I take the plastics he was holding and put it in the kitchen table. From there on I started to sort the goods while he casually sits on the sofa and open the TV. Not giving me a single glance at all.

“W-What would you l-like for meal?” I was hoping he would turn his eyes on me and smile. I miss his smile and his loving eyes. Please Damian, look at me, I love you, it’s been so long since you last said you love me too.

“Do whatever you want to do, you know what I like and don’t like, Cloud” He did! He turns to look at me but as soon as he did my head unconsciously bows, because I know, he would never look at me in a loving way ever again, I know the way he looks at me now and I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to lose hope. “I’m really not in the mood for a conversation today, I’m stressed out just let me be for a while or else I would find some place to actually be able to relax” He didn’t even stutter while saying that. He doesn’t want to talk to me. But before I was your rest, before you were most at peace when I am around.

“yes” it sounded like a whisper even to me, so I’m sure he didn’t hear it either but he didn’t really care and just continued to watch TV again.

I want him to hold me, to hug me, I would bet he doesn’t want to do it though. I was too preoccupied by my thoughts that I accidentally cut my fingers deep with a knife. I must’ve hissed loudly from the pain because I now saw his body right in front of me. “Ugh, I really just wanted to go now! How could you be so clumsy! Are you that thirsty for attention huh?!” I flinched from him shouting, my body started to tremble uncontrollably, the shouting before it all happen, I always hear it. “What are you going to do with that? Just letting your blood be a mess all around this kitchen counter?” He pulled my hand harshly and put my hand on the sink, he opened the faucet to put my wound in the running water. “Stay right there”

Damian walked away and went to our room to look for something. He came back with a medical kit with his hands. This is too embarrassing; I really look like I want his attention now. He closed the faucet and is now working to cover and put medicine on the wound. I don’t really know what he was doing, I am looking down on my feet the whole time counting my fingers. “There, you happy now?” I whispered a thank you and he sighed.

In the end, Damian represents to cook for the both of us since he was suddenly saying that he was in the mood for cooking. Damian is a good cook actually, way better than I am. He commanded me to read a book or something so that I wouldn’t be a bother to him. I don’t want to bother him anymore either so I sat silently in the corner. After a while, I heard him calling out to me so that we could both share a meal. I know he’s still mad at me that it feels bad to be happy because he still cares. It was a very silent meal with only the sound of spoon and fork clattering in plates we are eating on, I am very careful to not offend him anymore. I was looking straight to my plate when out of nowhere he started a conversation.

“Do you need anything? Ask me now before I change my mind” I was shocked that I dropped my spoon on the floor. T-This is my chance, right? A conversation, this is what we need. I just need to be very careful with my words but because I am very nervous right now the only thing, I muttered out of my breath are “U-Um A-Actual-ly A-A U-Um” he sighed and immediately said “Okay just shut up for now, speak when you are ready” and that was followed by a long silence. I didn’t even dare to pick up the spoon that I just drop as I was focusing on gathering courage and choosing my words, I wasn’t ready for this.

“I need to go to the hospital, I think there is something wrong with me” I finally said it, but the butterflies in my stomach didn’t go away. “And what exactly is wrong with you?” he said sternly, I gulped. “C-could you come with me?” I responded, obviously avoiding his question. Please, please come with me you need to know. “I don’t think it was necessary for you to go to a hospital if it isn’t severe then, just wait for the private doctor to come here.” He paused for a while before continuing. “As for your second request tho, I am too busy for that” I expected that kind of response already so I was ready for it, luckily, he didn’t get angry with me now.

“I’m going out for a while you could come with me if you want to.” I got really happy hearing that, going outside! I want to go outside with him again. Is he asking me for a date? It would be a date, right? Since we are a couple? “Wear a hat when we go out, I’ll wait for you here please hurry” I nodded, put our dishes in the sink and run to my room, my heart is beating so fast right now. A date, maybe he is now ready to listen to me, I’m thrilled, I will try my best not to cry when he asks me about it. We will finally go back together, or maybe he would propose to me again? Please let it be like that.

I walked out of my room wearing a simple jean that is supposed to be skinny but is loose to me, I don’t have a belt so I used a shoe lace instead to make it tighter hehe, And I am wearing the black shirt he gave me before, and I didn’t forget the cap he made me wear. It is still rainy outside so maybe for protection?

“Come on now” I followed him downstairs to where his car is parked and he drove to a place I almost forgot, it’s a mall, he’s going to walk me around, I think. My man is still wearing his suit and that’s the reason he looks so fine and all the girls we come across looks at him. I am proud that we are walking together but I am just mostly walking behind him, and I am embarrassed to look like a garbage beside him.

First, we went to a watch shop. He brought one piece for him, after a while it looks like he was distancing himself from me while looking at something. He told me that I should wait outside for him and obeyed. What’s taking him so long? As I saw him walk out the store, I can’t help but to notice that he is holding two boxes now and handed the 2 to me. “Hold this for a while for me” I didn’t ask a question. We went to different more stores and he bought a lot. I can’t help to wonder if this are for me. I-I am not assuming alright, but maybe he decided to bought this thing to reconcile and talk afterwards? Afterall he is that kind of man. Maybe it is too many because it has been 2 years since we had a proper conversation.

When he’s done, we stopped for a while, I am so tired right now. I am holding all this paper bags with different brand name and it is becoming heavier. “We should stop by to eat” he claimed, I was joyed hearing those words and shot my head up to finally look up to him, I-I am kinda hungry now that he mentioned it. But looking at him was a mistake, he looked at me directly in the eye first before scanning me from head to toe. Shivers run down my spine as I slowly bow my head again. His gaze, is cold.

“On the other hand, I don’t want to go to a fancy restaurant with you looking like that”. I agree to what he said, no man would want to be caught eating with a woman like me. “Let’s just stay on the bench for a while” I nod my head as a yes.

We sat on the bench, and soon after. A lady, a fine one at that walks to us and shouted “Kai! Kai!, Love you’re here” I looked at Damian slightly as I saw him gulp and turned pale. Kai? That’s his second name, he doesn’t want me calling him that and love? What does it mean? “She’s a comrade” He suddenly explained even if I am not asking, nervousness hint in his voice.

He got up from our sit take all of the paper bags beside me beside his watch and walked over to the girl. I am still confused, who is she?? She is widely smiling at Damian as he gives him all of the paper bags, I thought was mine. If Damian knows I was thinking that way he would definitely get angry. And there I saw Damian, smiling, to the girl I never met before nor I knew the name.

When suddenly my vision got blurry, as I was slowly drifting to darkness, my eyelids getting heavy. I called for his name as loud as I could, he looked at me before everything went black for me.