Hurts So Good

Chapter 3-2

The sun woke me because it was streaming in from the wrong direction. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach hadn’t really gone away, and as I lay there, I couldn’t help going over everything that had happened the night before. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt.

The way I had acted. Crying? My father would have beaten me bloody if he’d seen that, which is why I’d never cried in front of him. But Trey hadn’t seemed to mind. In fact, he’d taken me into his arms and comforted me. I’d needed that more than I could articulate. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten physical comfort when I’d been hurting. Probably not since I was a toddler.

Because even as a young child, my father had been determined to make me a strong alpha. But his idea of what was strong wasn’t right. I knew that in some part of my brain. Except even the logical thought process couldn’t stop me from feeling like I was weak. Inadequate. The things I wanted—needed, as Trey made me say last night—weren’t acceptable for an alpha.

But I was here now, and Trey and his pack seemed willing to help. And I definitely needed help. Not being able to shift made me feel like half a person. I needed my bear. He was a part of me, an integral piece of my soul. Without him, I wasn’t whole.

In that moment, I resolved to do whatever Trey asked of me. Whatever he wanted, I would do. Because I needed my bear.

I needed to heal.

I got up and headed for the bathroom. In the bright morning light, I was regretting skipping the shower the night before. But at least I felt better. The solid night’s sleep had a lot to do with that. I hadn’t slept well in months. Hell, years if I were honest.

I was just finishing getting dressed when the knock on my door announced Duncan’s arrival. He was wearing that ever-present smile. Was it natural for someone to be this happy all the time?

His gaze traveled up and down my body, then he let out a relieved breath. “You look better.”

“I’m okay.” I was proud that my voice was steady. At least I was no longer meekly whispering.

“Good. Come on, there’s breakfast. And Trey wants to talk to you.”

I followed Duncan downstairs all the while trying to ignore the nerves that had taken up residence in my stomach. Talking was not my strong suit, and I really didn’t want to rehash everything that had happened last night. But at the same time, I really wanted to get to the bottom of this. I wanted to know why I suddenly couldn’t shift and what I could do to fix it. I’d already decided to do whatever was asked of me if it meant answers. And I was determined to do just that.

Trey offered me a smile and a “good morning” when we entered the kitchen, then told me to help myself to coffee. While I did that, Duncan headed to the stove. I tried to tell him toast was fine, but he waved that away and set to work making bacon, sausage, and eggs for me.

“How are you feeling?” Trey asked, sitting back in his chair.

The deep timber of his voice made me jump, and I splashed a little coffee out of my mug onto my face. He handed me a napkin so I could clean the drops from my beard.

“I’m okay.”

Trey lifted an eyebrow. “You’re not a good liar.”

I dropped my gaze to the plate Duncan set on the table before me. “I’m not lying.”

“You think you aren’t. You think you’re okay. Asher.” The way he said my name made me look at him. His gaze was assessing, but I saw concern. “You’re not okay.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that. So I kept my mouth shut. My stomach was roiling, and I didn’t want to eat. But also I knew it would be rude to ignore the breakfast after Duncan had gone to so much trouble to make it. Besides that, Trey was offering me food, even if he’d had one of his wolves prepare it, and it would be the height of disrespect to not eat. So I did, but every bite tasted like dust and sat heavy in my stomach.

Trey was quiet as I ate, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him again. I was afraid of what I would see in his expression. Eventually, he sighed. “I have things to do around pack lands today. I’d like you to accompany me.”

That got my attention, and I looked up. It made sense. I was a stranger to the pack, and for all Trey knew, I was unstable or dangerous. He wanted me with him the whole time so he could keep an eye on me and make sure I didn’t do anything destructive or detrimental.

“Yes, Alpha.” Gods that felt good to say. And I wasn’t going to examine why. Other than the fact that he was in charge here and I had to defer to him, so it was only right to address him by his title.

“Good. Are you finished?”

I nodded and gathered my plate, but when I stood and turned, Duncan was right there to take it from me. I opened my mouth to protest, but he just smiled and shook his head. He headed to the sink with the dish and I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans because I didn’t know what else to do with them.

I felt Trey beside me and jumped; I hadn’t heard him move. What was wrong with me? My senses were usually better than that. But with my bear sleeping, hiding, whatever the hell he was doing—please gods don’t let him be gone—it made sense that my senses weren’t as highly honed. I had to take a couple of steadying breaths because just the thought of that made my soul hurt.

“We’re heading to the clinic first,” Trey said as he headed toward the door. I fell into step behind him, following closely but not too close. “I need to check in with Verity and make sure she’s got everything she needs. Then we’ll visit a few pack members.”

“Yes, Alpha.”

Trey made a noise in the back of his throat, but I didn’t know what it meant, so I didn’t respond.

Last night, it had been too dark to see much, but now it was easy to take in the pack lands. Like most of the shifter groups, Carver Pack had created their own haven. Though most humans were happy to employ us or have us live beside them, most shifters thrived on being together. There were some, like cougars or the predator birds, who preferred to live alone. But most of us needed a cohesive unit in order to be happy and healthy. Carver Pack, I knew, occupied a hundred acres in upstate New York, and they were self-sustaining. Some members of the pack had jobs in the nearby towns, but most lived and worked on pack lands.

But what really struck me was how easy and happy all the wolves we encountered were. When we stopped in at the clinic, there were several people in the waiting room, and they all grinned and ran to their alpha, needing his attention if only for a few minutes. Verity was pleased to see us, and answered Trey’s questions quickly.

“The shipment came in last week, and we’re set for a while. I’m thinking that I’ll need another nurse, though. It’s too much for just me, Thomas, and Jane.”

Trey nodded. “Does Analise want to work here?”

Verity laughed. “Gods, no. She’s much happier at the hospital, and it’s beneficial to have her working there, even if it’s a bit of a commute. With her connections, we have someone there if we need to send a wolf for more treatment than I can give here.”

“Good point. So do you want me to look outside the pack? Or would you prefer we find out if one of the younger wolves would like to get their certification?”

Making a humming noise, Verity tapped her chin. “We can get along for a while if someone is interested in going to school. If not, then we’ll have to search outside.”

“I’ll bring it up at the next pack meeting.”

“Thank you, Alpha.”

Trey dragged his wrist along her neck, scent-marking her. It was nice to see. He cared enough to claim this wolf as his. I knew alphas who weren’t so conscientious.

As the day wore on, I realized that Trey treated everyone with the same kind of respect. He listened when they spoke and he never ended a meeting without scent-marking his wolves. At the Upton Farm, he spent time with the owner, Gemma, out in the field, and even pitched in to move hay bales while they spoke. Then he headed to the farmhouse and sat for tea with Gemma’s wife, Elaine. They had three young children, who climbed all over their Alpha, and Trey took it in stride.

We ate dinner at his cousin’s house. Mark and David had been married for seventeen years, and I could see how in love they still were. Mark, Trey’s cousin, doted on his husband, and the meal looked delicious. I was a little surprised when Mark set a plate before me. But I didn’t dig in, even as the three wolves began eating.

“Is something wrong?” Mark asked, and it took me a second to realize he was speaking to me.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Before I could even get my thoughts in order, Trey touched the back of my neck.

“Eat, Asher.”

“I, uh,” I kept my voice low, even though I knew it was stupid. The kitchen wasn’t that big, and wolves’ hearing was exceptional. “I’m allowed?”

Mark gasped, David make a choking noise, but it was Trey’s growl that held my attention. I could hear the anger in it, but I somehow knew it wasn’t directed at me. Trey took a deep breath, and I watched as he reined in his wolf.

“Yes, Asher. You’re allowed. In fact, I insist on it.” He pulled me closer so that his lips were right at my ear. “And we’ll be talking about this when we get home.”

I knew he meant his house but the fact that he called it “home” really touched me. I shook off the feeling. It was stupid. I couldn’t get too comfortable. Carver Pack was not my home and I shouldn’t start thinking of it that way.

“Yes, Alpha.” I dutifully picked up my fork and started on the roast on my plate.

The rest of the meal passed pleasantly enough, even if there was a subtle tension thrumming in the air. When the plates were cleared, Mark invited us for coffee and conversation, but Trey declined.

“We best be getting back,” he said, scent-marked his wolves, then headed out the door. I gave Mark and David a silly little wave that embarrassed me, and quickly followed.

It was only a few blocks back to the alpha house, and Trey strode at a fast clip. He was several inches taller than my own five-ten, and the difference was all in his legs. His long, muscular legs. I didn’t realize I was staring at his ass until that moment, and I tore away my gaze, then broke into a jog to keep up with him.

Duncan was waiting when we got back to the house. I’d come to realize Duncan was Trey’s beta, his second in command. He greeted us with a grin, but it faltered at whatever he saw on his alpha’s face.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, Duncan.”

“Sure thing, Alpha. Need anything before I go?”

“No. Head home to your kids. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Duncan tilted his head, offering his neck to his alpha, and Trey didn’t hesitate to drag his wrist across it. But the moment Duncan was gone, Trey shut and locked the front door. He flipped off several lights, then made a beeline for the living room. I followed behind him, just as I had all day, but stood awkwardly after I crossed the threshold. Trey made himself comfortable in the large recliner, but I didn’t know what to do with myself. Should I sit, too? Or was I supposed to head to my room and leave him alone now that we were secure in the alpha house again?

“Asher, come here.”

I started moving before I made the conscious decision to do so, and suddenly found myself standing in front of him. Trey’s assessing gaze took me in, but by now, I was used to it. That didn’t stop me from fidgeting, though. Was he waiting for me to say something?

Abruptly, he sat forward, and with a very pointed gaze, gestured toward the floor in front of him. I knew what he wanted, and even though my mind rebelled at the thought, I couldn’t stop my body from kneeling at his feet.

All day long, there’d been something tugging at me. I couldn’t quite put a name to it, but I hadn’t let myself think about it much. As I knelt there, my body relaxed, and I could finally identify the feeling. Peace. Walking behind him, being at his side all day, had given me this feeling, and if I’d let it in, I would have felt it sooner. But I’d been keeping it at bay, not wanting to think about what it meant. But now? Now I couldn’t deny it any longer.

“Such a good cub,” he murmured, and his voice washed over me, settling into the cracks in my soul. When he wrapped his long, strong fingers around the back of my neck, I settled even further and let out a sigh.

“Today was a test.” Trey’s voice was sure, but quiet. “I wanted to see how you reacted, following in my wake. And you did beautifully. But here, on your knees, this is where you belong, isn’t it? You were made for this.”

“I’m an alpha.” The words were out of my mouth before I could check them, and even as I said them, I wasn’t sure why.

“So?” Trey chuckled, but I knew he wasn’t laughing at me. “So what if you are? That doesn’t mean you can’t want this. Can’t need it.”

“I—I don’t know what this is.”

“Yes, you do.” Trey leaned in further, and his breath washed over my cheek. I shivered. “So responsive. Asher, I’m going to ask you a very hard question now, and I want you to think about it thoroughly before you answer. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Alpha.” It wasn’t what I wanted to call him, but it was as close as I would allow myself.

“When you said last night that you wanted to submit, you didn’t mean in the everyday, did you? You meant sexually, right?”

I opened my mouth, but the hard stare made me close it again. He wanted me to think about my answer before I gave it. But I didn’t have to think. I knew what I wanted. What I needed.

“Yes, I meant sexually.” My voice was soft, but sure. “But also, more.”

Trey cupped my cheeks. His thumbs smoothed through my beard, then he tilted up my face.

“More? Please explain.”

Gods, he’d said “please.” I shuddered, and he grinned, liking the reaction.

“I’m not, I mean, I don’t want…” I blew out a breath, and Trey’s gaze stayed on me, patience and caring just rolling off him in waves. It made me braver than I normally would be. “I’m not a leader. I don’t want to make decisions. I wanted to do what I’m told.”

“So brave, cub. That was so brave and thank you for telling me the truth.” He pressed his forehead to mine, and for a long moment, we just breathed each other’s air. Then he pulled away, but only far enough so I could see his eyes. “I want to help you with this. I’d love to take you to my bedroom and show you the joys, the release, of dominance and submission.”

My whole body shook, need pulsing through me. I wanted nothing more than for him to do just that. But I couldn’t. I needed it, but I couldn’t have it.

“I’m not supposed to want this.” My voice was wobbly, and I didn’t try to fix it. Need and fear seared through me in equal measure.

“What did I just say?”

My brow furrowed in confusion, not sure what he meant, but before I could voice it, Trey answered his own question.

“Just because you’re an alpha doesn’t mean you can’t have this. And as I said last night, it takes a very strong person to ask for what they need. I won’t push you. I need to have your consent. That’s the only way this can work. But know this; I can give you what you need.”

I’d already been shunned by my clan. I had no one in the world. What did I have to lose by giving in to my desires? I wanted Trey, and even more than that, I wanted him to dominate me. It might end badly, but everything in me was screaming to take the chance. And that little voice in the back of my head, the one that insisted I couldn’t do this, was silent.

“Yes, Alpha.”

He smirked. “Yes what? Give me the words, Asher.”

“Take me to your bedroom.” Then, because I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I added, “Sir.”