One night to love

Chapter 4

My head is banging from my deep thinking, my heart sinking and my mind is messy.

I smile foolishly to myself as I arrive at my neighborhood. Even whenever I say nowhere, there is always a place and it always has to be this place, back to square one.

Maybe it's because I can't be a coward and leave my two innocent siblings to suffer all alone. I had experienced it and having them experience it at a young age will be too bad.

I still have to keep pushing for Gabriel who is taking a huge step in his life. I have to keep pushing for my little ones, Anderson and Andrea who need me the most.

My hand clenches the door knob deliberating whether this is the right time to go in. Am I ready to face her? To see her face? No, but I know I will never be ready soon and I can't keep hiding. My young siblings will get worried and Gabriel isn't even around to calm things down.

Biting my lower lips, I open the door while praying inwardly that she isn't there but to my dismay she is.

I see her sitting on the floor and tears are evident on her face. She seems to be feeling guilty and in misery but I don't care.

I can also tell that she has been crying for a long from the way her eyes and nose are red. Her hair is also scattered.

She must have thought that I ran away for a while or forever- something I badly want to do but cannot do since I have three younger ones who need me.

All the times the urge to give up comes into my mind, I think of them. How their life will go without me? It will be way worse than now and if I know my family, I know that they can't survive another heavy blow like that.

My little sister who is staying beside her sights me and her face brightens.

“Blair is here!” She exclaims as she runs to me and I shoot my mom a glare, did he tell her already that I am gone? Ugh! This woman is unbelievable.

I catch her as she jumps on me “Who said that I wasn't going to be here? Big Sis was just busy last night. Where is Anderson?”

“We heard Mom calling different people and asking about you. Andy went to sleep after crying for a long,” She said with her words hard coming out throaty due to the effect of my clothes.

I break free now running my hand around her hair with a big smile on my face. She has always been the jovial one amongst us- she and Anderson, her twin brother.

When she sees my smile, she smiles in return giving me that smile that always melts and makes my day.

“I went somewhere. It was an impromptu decision so mum didn’t know,” I explain to her giving her a small smile then I carry her walking towards our room.

After taking a few steps, I stop in my tracks gazing at my mom. Seeing her looking the way she is, I know normally I shouldn’t feel this way but I still feel like, hugging her, comforting her, and saying sweet words to soothe her. Or telling her that she could do it. She could get over her addiction but what’s the use?

That was what we did when she started. When she would cry all day long about how she missed dad, drink not to feel his absence Or to escape our problems. I and Gabriel would pamper her and then persuade her to stop it all before disposing of all her alcoholic drinks.

We even took her to Rehab when our cautions didn't work but what did we gain?

She's still a sot and a druggie! And I still can't help but wonder why she can't still be the same mother that I knew before the same caring and loving one.

She's not the only one who has gone through it. We all went through it and even if it had a grave impact on us, we are still standing. Even Sarah Or Andy hasn't broken completely so why her?

She just keeps discouraging us, bringing us down, and putting us - especially the kids in harm's way- I can't imagine how it would have been if Sarah Or Andy had entered her room and seen her.

That would have been another emotional turmoil for them. The last thing I want is for them to get exposed to drugs. She already made them get exposed to alcohol once.

More tears escape her eyes as she stands up but she doesn't come closer. I guess she doesn't have anything to say to me. She probably doesn’t know what to tell me. Nothing to use to try to convince me and it's better since I don't also plan on listening to her.

My temple throbs. My legs are weak. My stomach still churning and my mind....it feel like exploding and just seeing her, was making it worse.

By seeing her, I feel like screaming and shouting all that happened to me. I feel like blaming it all on her but what will I gain?

It won’t even make her change her ways

My mind drifts to all the time that she was there for us- the times when she was still the mother I knew- and I can't just help but let some teardrop again.

Yes, I know, my life is sad! It is not what everyone would want but no matter how bad it will ever get, I know that if I have my ex-mother with me, it will be tractable; I will still be able to smile Or laugh. but where is she? Where is the other I knew?

Maybe it's high time I accept that she died the day my father did.

With a sad smile, I tighten my grip on Sarah as I continue to walk past her and dash into the room closing the door behind me.

I put her in bed, lying close to Anderson since I am sure that she hasn’t slept well due to the chaos.

Confirming my thoughts, she falls asleep almost immediately.

I also move close to her as I try to get some sleep and forget all that has happened but even as tired as I feel, my heart is too heavy. The pain that I have been feeling since I woke up doesn't want to go.

I pick my bag from my bed where it is hung and decide to use my phone as a distraction.

I try to call Jane but her line doesn’t go.

I throw my phone back into my bag and bury my head in my pillow trying to shut all my mixed feelings. I close my eyes trying to get some sleep but instead, some images of me with the guy with the amber eyes begin to flash in my mind.

Images of him holding me, kissing me, squeezing me, and for a moment, I feel like it's what's happening right now.

It is like porn, one that I can't stop playing and also one that I am in. The sound of lips smacking, the mourns, the touches, Or squeezing.

It feels like I can feel his kisses, his hands on my body and though, I want it to stop, it just can't.

I turn on the bed repeatedly but that only makes it stop for a while. Later on, it comes back.

The first annoying part fall these is that I don't even know him. I don't know if he has STD Or worse HIV and no condom was used. His kind usually sleeps with girls like their changing clothes.

What if I’m sick and I don't even know? Bad things have been what's been going on in my life so I can only think of the worst.

I just had a one-night stand with a stranger and the pain that I am feeling right now is too much. I wish I could just wake up from this bad dream.

As tears begin to roll out of the corner of my eyes, I hastily get up running to the bathroom. The last thing I want is to wake Sarah up with my sobbing and get her worried.

I rest my hand on the wall as I silently let all my tears out. Life just keeps getting more frustrating for me and I don't know why. What wrong could I have done?

I begin to pull off my shirt but stop midway realizing that I have hickeys on my body. I face the mirror but seeing my face, I feel like screaming.

My lips are swollen, my eyes are reddened from all the crying and my hair is scattered. Anyone who sees me will notice firsthand that I’ve been crying and am still stressed. I am glad my siblings didn't,

I continue removing my clothes, pulling out my jeans and underwear then I switch on the shower.

I grab a sponge and begin to scrub my body wishing that I could scrub the hickeys off. They are just accentuating the fact that I have been used. It is just like a physical reminder.

At first, I thought of it as a dream and have been waiting for the part when I would wake up since the pain of the two occurrences was so much but it isn't besides. It would be too weird to be bathing in a dream.