The Promise

Chapter Seven--Until I Find Myself Again

The afternoon sun was brimming down in the west, directly reflecting from the fiber-glass pane of the café to where Dr. Gerald Zarate and Charles sat, opposite each other.  Two cups of steaming black coffees are on the table, wisps of smoke rising from it.  Desolate silence filled this first ten minutes of their encounter, week after Charles's recovery from the hospital.

Still drowned with terrible guilt and heartache, Dr. Zarate couldn't even bear to utter sentences of apology he practiced before their meeting.  On the other hand, Charles's silence was not borne of anger rather the calm demeanor of indifference and a newly found maturity--or at least resembling it.  

"You don't have to ask forgiveness.  Although, I can't give you the consoling statement that my accident is not your fault.  Well, not the accident directly.  I blame you for being a jackass but just a little now."  Charles said coolly, smiling even upon reminiscing the event.

"I know."  Dr. Zarate replied, forcing a chuckle but avoiding Charles's eyes.

"You didn't visit me once.  Busy schedule?" 

"Guilty conscience--

The doctor looked back on all the attempts he had made to visit Charles.  But always, when the door-handle is in his hand, he couldn't gather the courage to twist it, burrowing in his mind the awful wrong he had done Charles.

"Cowardice." the doctor added, a truer answer.

The doctor's mind flew back to the night of the party when Charles surprised him with his sudden appearance.  Charles wasn't supposed to be there.  All of Dr. Zarate's kin were present in the party, including a secret that had been gnawing at him since he and Charles hooked up.  That is why, Charles shouldn't have been at the party.  He wasn't supposed to know just yet.

"Fiancé?"   Charles clarified, eyes wide with confusion and hate at the blonde, bodacious woman, whose long arms are forcibly linked into Dr. Zarate's.  

"Yes.  Didn't he tell you?  I thought you guys are friends?" Nathalie Smith replied, clearly unaware of the relationship between his 'fiancé' and Charles.

Dr. Gerald didn't know what to do now.  He thought he was going to cry when Charles dropped the bomb of his wanting to end the relationship.  But that was disturbed by Nathalie.  The doctor couldn't move.  

"Charles." he uttered, hiding the pleading in his voice.

Charles looked at him directly in the eye and said, "Congratulations on your engagement, doc."  Then he walked away.

It did not do the doctor good, remembering that.  His succumb to the heavy feeling of guilt and cowardice became final and real.  But the acceptance of those weaknesses is the start of his unrealized change.

Charles smiled, seeing such start of the progress of the doctor's character.  And now, the purpose of their conversation will push the doctor to that change.  His alas.  It is almost funny how a blow to his head put everything in clear perspective for him. 

"Karma's a b***h, right?"  Charles commented which received a fake grin from the doctor.  "Doc, I wanna thank you for everything.  For being an important part of my life.  And I'm sorry if I have to leave you."

Dr. Gerald Zarate is a sensitive man.  Be that as it may, he does not cry in public.  But the direction to which Charles's statement is going burrowed deep in him, that tears began to cascade down his cheeks, void of his control.

Charles saw this and consoled the doctor by holding his hand--one last comforting before his plan to disappear again.

"It's not just you, Doc.  It's not just you.  I am leaving for my sake and for every people I care truly.  But I will not come back for you, doc.  I will not come back unless you become brave." 

The two locked eyes.  The doctor was pleading but Charles's eyes spoke of courage, finality, and a challenge.

Dr. Zarate sniffled and nodded, withdrawing his hand first.  He understood.

I will not come back unless you become brave.

But how can he do that when his strength was lost to him?

His phone rang.  He looked thoughtfully at the caller's ID.  He breathed a sigh of exhaustion and answered the phone.  He could start with her.

"Hello, Nat." he greeted.

"Where are you?" she asked with compassion.  Nathalie has always been kind.  And she has been waiting for him.

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Why does everything have to be so f*****g complicated?!  Gavin furiously asked himself while drinking the last of his third bottle of liquor.  Around him, the house is a mess.  Dirty dishes are piling up in the sink, stinky clothes and bottles of empty wine lying everywhere, and take-out food attracting flies.

"Everything's a f*****g mess." he mumbled drunkenly.  He stood up dizzily, almost tripping on one empty liquor bottle, and threw himself on the dusty maroon couch.  His head is aching and his heart is hurting.  He looked up on the ceiling, eyes half-closed and cried.

"I don't know what happened between us, Charles.  Just when I thought that everything would be better, you go out on your way to f*****g stab me from behind and slice me open!  It f*****g hurts, man!  What did I do?!  What did I f*****g do?!"

Gavin doesn't normally cuss.  But the word 'f*****g' seems to be the right intensifier for his mixed-up feelings of loss, anger, frustration, and heartache.

A month after Charles was discharged from the hospital, his parents told him that Charles requested to go back to their house and not his and Gavin's.  It was reasonable for Charles to be with his parents throughout the whole healing process.  But it wasn't reasonable to leave him out of it!  He tried to visit Charles but Mr. and Mrs. Tan blocked him, arguing that Charles doesn't want to see him.

And then, a week ago, when he visited again, they said that Charles isn't there.  And when he asked where, they didn't divulge the information.  He doesn't understand.  He always thought of them as family but now, the feeling of not belonging anywhere crept at him again.  And he thought Charles remembered him, from the moment he recovered from his coma.  But his actions confused and angered him.

"What the f**k did I do?" A question he kept on repeating before he completely dozed off, like a sleeping ritual.

What did he do? It was the worst feeling.  Not knowing the mistake he committed and yet suffering still.

A knock on the door disturbed his sleep, adding up to his headache.

"Who is it and what the f**k do you want?!" he shouted, annoyed.

"It's us, Gavin."  The familiar voice from outside calmly answered.  He recognized it immediately.  It was the distinct sonorous voice of Hugo.  And of course, Carmina is with him.

"Go away!" 

"Please son.  Let us in.  We want to talk to you." Hugo kindly replied at the rude request.

"So, now you wanna f*****g talk to me after f*****g shutting me out?!  f**k you, guys!" Gavin angrily said, not even flinching from his newly found bad attitude and mouth.  The amazing combination of alcoholism and heartache.

"Please, Gavin.  We're worried about you." said the kind and gentle voice of Carmina.

Gavin didn't reply.  Some show of parental affection! Tsk!  He angrily thought.

"Gavin, please open the door.  We didn't mean to shut you out.  We just did what Charles wanted.  And if only you heard his reasons, you would have done the same."  Hugo pleaded.

Gavin wiped the tears from his face and slowly stood up.  He exhaled and opened the door for Charles's parents.  

When they entered, the peculiar sight and stank of disorderliness of the house added to their guilt and affection for Gavin.  For they knew Gavin to be neat and orderly.  It is one of his traits that they wanted Charles to get from him.  And he did.

"What do you want?" Gavin asked, slumping on the couch.

"We want to give you this." Carmina replied, handing him a strip of paper.  Gavin's tears welled up again when he saw what was scribbled on the paper.  It was Charles's whereabout.

"We thought that talking to him might make you understand.  And get your life back on track." Hugo explained, looking at the mess surrounding them.

"Should I do that? Talk to him?" he asked them, crying, eyes seeking help. 

The two looked at each other knowingly and sat beside Gavin.  Hugo put his arms around Gavin and said, "It is what you want, right?  Answers.  Only Charles can give you that."

Gavin nodded and exhaled.  The gravity of finding out the answers seeping in.

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The waves of the nearby sea and its accompanying cool wind complemented Charles's plan of afternoon lounge on the front verandah.  Holding a cup of hot coffee, he sat on the wicker chair and enjoyed the sea's normal rampage, his mind blank.

He came in here a week ago to face the part of his memory where his life took a nasty detour.  He breathed--the fresh scent of the sea entering his body.  Although this location to where he is currently relaxing is far from the dangerous jungles of Sitio Sabang, Charles convinced himself that it is a nice start.  He has a long way ahead of him.

Now, a familiar figure stood in his view, almost towering Charles with his angry demeanor.

"What are you doing here, Gavin?" Charles asked, avoiding Gavin's furious eyes.

"Seriously?  That's your opening line?  Not even gonna bother with 'hello'?"

Charles stood up and faced Gavin.

"You're not supposed to be here." he said, entering the wooden bungalow.

Gavin followed Charles; footsteps heavy.

"What the f**k happened, Charles, huh?!  You got discharged from the hospital and then you f*****g shut me out without even a lousy explanation why!" Gavin said, yelling at Charles, voicing his displeasure at Charles's disappearing act.

Charles, frozen in his place, back at Gavin, broke down.  Seeing Gavin angry and heartbroken are the last things he would want for him.  But sacrifices must be made in order for him to be complete.  He exhaled.  I do owe him an explanation.  He said to himself, bracing for the impact that is his decision.  Charles gulped and faced Gavin, teary-eyed.

"I remembered, Gavin. I remembered it all."

Gavin involuntarily took a step backward, as if Charles's statement was a bullet. He stared back at Charles, wide-eyed, in disbelief.

"What?" he barely uttered.

"That night, when I drove off from the party, it all suddenly came back to me. I was driving fast. I can't remember how fast, but memories came back to me, that I couldn't control my emotions. And I couldn't maneuver the car. It wasn't the trauma to the head that cause it. My memories came before the accident." Charles narrated, overpowered again by the emotions he felt before the accident.

Gavin walked towards Charles and held his hand, caressing it. He put it on his cheeks and knelt down, crying uncontrollably.

"I am so sorry, Charles. I shouldn't have left you. All those years ago...I'm sorry. I get it. You're angry at me and you have every right to be. Please forgive me, Charles. I love you. Please forgive me, Charles. Please. Please."

Charles, surprised by Gavin's actions and utterances, knelt down and caressed Gavin's face, and looked at him directly in the eyes.

"I am not angry at you, Gavin. Nor anyone. You've always been there for me. You've always protected me. And you've always love me. Those years ago, when we were kidn*pped, you didn't leave me. You gave me a chance to live while risking yours. You didn't leave me, Gavin. And you never left me. Because you've always been in my heart. They may have erased my memories of you, but I always knew then, that a part of me is missing. And you promised that you'll find me. And you did. Because you always kept your promises and then I love you even more—

Charles and Gavin locked eyes, both are crying. But their cries are silent now. Because at that moment when they again entered the world where they truly belong, they understood the next chapter of their story.

"But what you've found is a broken version of me. How could I possibly be able to give you the whole of me, my whole love, my whole life? When I couldn't even begin to complete myself? My car crash was because of grief. Grief that I allowed myself to erase you from my memory. And hate, because you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I allowed myself to succumb in sorrow at the memories of you. I don't blame you nor anyone. I blame myself for forgetting."

Gavin removed himself from Charles kind hands and wiped his tears. He stood up and started heading for the door. Confused, Charles asked him, "Where are you going?"

Gavin looked at him and smiled. "Going back. I mean, someone should take care of the house, right. Besides, this month's rent was already paid."

Charles stood up, smiling, and ran towards Gavin, embracing and kissing him affectionately on the lips.

"I'll come back, I promise." Charles said.

"And I'll wait for you. I promise." Gavin replied, kissing Charles's forehead to seal the promise then proceeding down to his lips. Charles returned the kiss, warmth of their breath and mouth becoming one. Just like how it was meant to be.