The Promise

Chapter Five: Until the Night Descends, I Will Hold You

In a desolate forest, he treads the path--not having a destiny in particular.  Just that, walking slowly deep within the threshold of the misty jungle.  Unsure of himself, he kept on walking, praying that he'll somehow see the light or the way out.  Until he stopped.  A figure, enveloped by the darkness, stood in front of him.  He doesn't know what to do.  Should he continue walking or just turn back?  But there's something about the figure, like an understanding and connection he could never grab hold of.  The figure walked up to him.  He wasn't scared.  In fact, he felt peace for the first time.  The figure spoke.

"Found you.  Like I promised."

Charles suddenly sat upright, confused but awakened.  What was that dream about?  He asked himself.  He wasn't completely sure what he had dreamt.  But he felt heavy and light at the same time--like he discovered a piece of himself but it cut him.  He sighed.  No use getting into that this early in the morning.  

He looked at the man sleeping beside him and smiled.  This is one of those rare moments when Charles spends the night in the doctor's condominium unit.   And he cherished every minute of it.  For after this, their usual and tiresome meetings in the school clinic.

Dr. Zarate fidgeted and slowly woke up.  He smiled upon seeing Charles's youthful face.

"Hey there, Doc."  Charles greeted.

"Hey there, patient."  Dr. Zarate replied and suddenly pulled Charles to him, locking him in his arms.  They both stayed like that for a while, their minds running questions, both of them unsure.  When Charles finally broke off the silence.

"Your birthday's coming up this Saturday.  What should we do?" 

The doctor didn't reply.  He gently pulled his arms from Charles, wore his shirt from last night, and stood up.  Finally, he faced Charles.

"I-uh...I can't meet you on my birthday.  My colleagues are throwing me this stupid party and I-I know you don't like that so..."

Charles understood.  He nodded and forced a smile.  What else is new?

"Okay, then, what would you like for a present?" he asked.

Dr. Zarate grinned.  "How about you cook me dinner today?"

"What? You know I don't cook!" 

The doctor returned to the bed and sat in front of Charles.

"And that will make it more special, y'see?"

"Tonight?"

"Yeah.  I'll come over to your house." 

"Really?"  Charles ensured enthusiastically.

"Yeah."  The doctor replied and kissed Charles.

Now, their next moment.  It is not so rare.

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"You have to help me!"  Charles exclaimed upon his return to the house.  Gavin, who was silently enjoying his cup of coffee almost spilled it to himself out of surprise.

"H-hey.  You're home."  He uttered after recovering from his shock.   Charles approached Gavin and pleaded like a boy.

"Please.  Please.  You have to help me."

Gavin put down his cup and asked Charles, "With what?"

Charles narrated the whole story.  Gavin listened intently but all he could grasp from it was the fact that Charles spent the night at the doctor's condo.  And he can't believe himself for being so oblivious.  Although, he wasn't able to sleep well last night out of worrying and wasting hours contemplating whether to call Charles or let him be.  Jealousy and anger to himself overcame him, although Charles did not sense it.  Gavin has become a pro at controlling his emotions.

"So, you'll help me?"  Charles asked after explaining.

Gavin tried to smile sincerely but he couldn't set aside his feelings.  So he just smiled.

"Sure." was his reply.  I would do anything for you, Charles.  He thought to himself, pained at having to help Charles cook for the man who is currently making him happy.

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As the two are strolling down the meat lane of the supermarket,  Charles kept wondering about a single detail on his encounter with Gavin.

"Have I made it obvious that I am gay?  And that the doctor is actually my boyfriend?"  Charles asked Gavin who was choosing among the meat products.

"What?" Gavin replied in a question.  He wasn't paying attention.  He is not particularly enjoying this moment, even if it meant being closer to Charles.  He wants more.  But he can't do anything rash.  All he could manage is to wait.

"I'm gay.  And Dr.  Gerald Zarate is my boyfriend."  Charles announced.  " I didn't tell you when we first met cause why would I, y'know?  I mean we just met.  Earlier, though, I kind'a slipped when I asked your help for this.  You didn't react, though."

"Oh, I know.  It's pretty obvious.  I'm not stupid."  Gavin said, concealing his bitterness.

"Okay, will that change how you see me?  Would you not wanna live with me suddenly?"

Gavin stopped what he was doing.  He looked at Charles, seeing the insecurity.  He handed Charles the beef meat he picked up among the rack.

"Here.  Whaddaya think of that beef?" Gavin casually asked.  Charles frowned.

"I dunno.  It's good?" 

Gavin chuckled and took back the beef.  He put it in their basket.  "A beef's a beef, no matter its sexuality.  Besides, what's the difference, really?"  He said and continued on to the vegetable aisle, leaving Charles confused.

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"What do you mean by 'a beef's a beef' or whatever?" Charles asked, casually sipping his coffee.  They are at a coffee house across the supermarket.  After buying the needed ingredients  for whatever Gavin plans to teach him, they stopped by the coffee house to unwind, although, they really didn't do much.

"Oh, that.  It means I don't care.  I don't care if you're gay.  Doesn't make you less you."  Gavin answered.  

"Wow.  If only all the people are like you."

"Uh-oh.  Aren't you proud of who you are?"

"I am! It's just, it would be nice if the people around me would be proud, too."

"I am proud of you.  You're amazing."  

Charles blushed and smiled at the compliment.  It's not very often he hears one.  

"Hey, you're not having your anxiety attack.  This place is pretty crowded."  Gavin commented.

"Really?  I haven't noticed.  I was only looking at you."

This time, it's Gavin's turn to blush.  However, after realizing what he had said, Charles's face became red all over.  The two wanted to look away from the trance of each other's eyes, but neither would budge, neither would like to.

When finally, they managed to avert their eyes, Charles cleared his throat to ease the tension, and asked again.  He's been fond of asking Gavin questions lately.  Interrogation or knowing him?

"You have any gay friends or am I the first one?" 

Gavin smiled at the question.  It's a conundrum.  With both answers being true.

"I have one."  He answered, feeling of reminiscence suddenly overpowering him.

"Really?  What's his name?  What's he like?" while enthusiasm enveloped Charles.

"Can't tell you the name right now--

"Aww--

"But I can tell you what he's like."

Charles leaned in closer to the table, eyes twinkling with excitement.  Gavin smiled, looking intently at Charles--the face of his past blurring the present.   And Gavin was transported to their childhood.   The smell of baby powder after their every bath, mingling with the soft scent of the soap and shampoo.

"He was clean."

"Clean?"

"Yeah.  But he's not afraid to get dirty."

Playing underneath the scorching sun in the playground, often tackling Gavin, ended up rolling over the dirty grass, staining their shirt.  Then, he conceived another picture of him--their very first encounter.

"He is kind.  And courageous.  But he's alone.  We became friends and that's the first time I witness his innocent smile."

And I promised myself that I would protect that smile.

He returned.  

"He seems happy.  I wish I were him."  Charles said, smiling but avoiding Gavin's eyes.

"He confessed to me, you know."  

"Really?  How?"

"We were 12.  He asked me to meet him in the school's backyard on recess.  I thought to myself what the fuss is about.   Then, when I met him, he wasn't looking at me.  He was looking at the ground.  He was all fidgety that time.  Nervous.  On the verge of crying and he did.  When he finally told me that he might have a crush on me, he cried." 

Gavin stared directly into Charles's eyes trying to force the memory on him.

"He was crying when he muttered the words, 'You would see me differently now.  You would avoid me.  You would hate me.  I would disgust you.'"

Charles returned the gaze.  Gavin's friend's words were all too similar.  Almost as if he could see Gavin's friend somehow but as usual, the whole image eluded him.

"What did you say?" he asked, revering Gavin's reply.

"I hugged him and I whispered, 'So what?'  I didn't pull myself until I was sure his tears had stopped.  And when I did, I kissed his forehead.  It's our thing.  It's like a seal.  To a promise."

Charles sniffed and turned away, wiping his tear.

"Wow.  What was that for?" Charles said, faking a laugh.  Afterwards, the two smiled at each other, engaging themselves in conversation leaning away from them.  

But in their minds, they were both thinking about it.  Charles, felt an odd connection to Gavin's "friend".  Just as well and just like all the other feeling he has since Gavin's arrival, everything is both a blur and transparent reflection of himself.  In and out.

And Gavin holds a secret to the memory even the Charles from back then didn't know.

I kissed his forehead as a promise that nothing will change.  That my feelings will remain.  But those feelings are growing stronger, even then.  Charles, when you confessed you like me, I kissed your forehead as a reply, 'You like me now, but I love you still.'

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"Cooking has been a therapy for me.  The fact that you're cooking for someone you love is like exploring a part of yourself  and a part of them.  Especially if you cook their favorite." Gavin said while prepping the ingredients.

"I dunno if steak is his favorite, though."  Charles idly commented, sitting on a stool in the kitchen, watching intently.

"Sshh.  Don't ruin my cooking show."

Charles chuckled.

"And hey, come here.  You're not an audience.  Today, you're my guest and I'll be teaching you how to cook beef steak--perfect dish for a perfect night."

Charles walked to Gavin and stood beside him; elbows almost touching.

"Okay, Chef Gavin.  Whatever you say, I'll do." 

The two laughed at their silliness.  At their imagined cooking show and their unseen audiences.  But their happiness wasn't because of the fantasy they're currently creating.  It is the sincerity of the feelings shadowing over them--invisible, yes but completely there.

Gavin instructed Charles what to do.  Often, Charles would be afraid, unsure, but Gavin would be there.   To support him, hold his hand at times when he was shaking of fear.  Slowly, the process became simpler for Charles.  He gained confidence.  And Gavin is still by his side.

"Woah.  I can't believe I did this." Charles uttered, enchanted by newly acquired skill of cooking steak.

"Yep.  Glad I could help."

"Oh yeah.  You helped, too.  You know, a little." 

Gavin chuckled at that comment.  Just like when we were kids.  He thought.

"Hey, it's almost six.  I'mma go and prep myself."  Charles said and went off to his room.

Left alone in the kitchen, Gavin is mulling over the two plates of steak and the red wine.  He sat at the kitchen stool and continued his sulking.  He felt happy earlier, when they were cooking.  But now, he has the strong urge to throw the steak and drink the whole bottle of red wine.  It was silly and pathetic but who could really blame him.  He was jealous and damn it, he has every right to be.  He took himself back farther.  How they met, how he tried his all to protect Charles, all the sacrifices he had made.  And it's pushing him to insanity that now, now Charles couldn't remember him.  

He exhaled, calming himself down.  He couldn't be angry at Charles for having someone.  After all, it was his fault.  He chose to leave Charles.  He chose to come back.  Misery should not be a problem.

A phone rang.  He followed the sound and realized it was from Charles's phone.  He left it.  Gavin picked it up, seeing the caller ID, he frowned.

"Charles, your boyfriend is calling."

"Sorry, could you get it for me?  I'm still in the shower."

Gavin frowned even more.  Right.  That is exactly what he needs.  Hear the friggin' voice of Charles's friggin' boyfriend.

"Hello."  he greeted bitterly, expecting the voice of the doctor to ring in his ear but--

"Hey!  This is Charles, right?  Hi, I'm--

--it was a woman's voice, rather shrill.  On the background, he heard the sound of phone being taken away, an angry man's voice, and that of the woman.

"Hello?"  Gavin repeated, an uneasy feeling rushing over him.

"Sorry, hello.  Charles, that was--

"This is Gavin."

"What?  Where's Charles?" the doctor asked, voice huffing out of irritation.

"He's taking a bath.  He asked me to take your call.  Sorry, who was that woman, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Oh.  That was my...sister."

"Right."  Was all Gavin could reply.  Something's up.  Gavin thought.

"Could you just tell him that I can't make tonight?  I got caught up in a stupid errand.  Oh, and tell him, I love him."

Gavin rolled his eyes, completely annoyed.  Still, he replied, "Will do." insincerely.  

"Thanks."

The call ended.  It was already 6:04 PM and Charles had emerged from his room wearing a black coat over his white T-shirt, black pants, and black leather shoes.  He is so beautiful.  And he looked confident.  How could Gavin deliver the message that would ruin his night?

"Whaddaya think?"  Charles asked.

Gavin smiled sincerely, in awe.  "Perfect.  You are perfect." 

Charles waved his hand in a dismissive way, blushing.  "Tsk!  You're just saying that!"

"It's what I see."

"So, what'd he say?"

"What?"

"The doctor.  You said he called."

Gavin looked at Charles, eyes apologetic.  "He said...Charles I'm--

"Oh.  Okay.  I get it.

"Charles, it's--

"Nah, it's cool.  It's a habit of his.  Leaving me hanging.  What can you do?"  Charles faked a smile and exhaled.  "I'mma go change."

Charles went back to his room, frustrated, but there are no tears.  Since he met the doctor,  he hasn't cried not even once.  He was always disappointed and angry but not a single tear was shed for the doctor.  Could it be that he had become numb from all the little heartaches piling up?  He should have known.  He laughed at himself for trying hard to maintain the pieces of his crumbling relationship with the doctor.  What a fool he was.  He should have known.  Well, he knows.  He just doesn't learn.  

Charles stood in front of his closet's mirror.

You are perfect.  What did Gavin see in him?  All Charles could see is the image of a broken person, glued together by blurry memories.

"Charles?"

"Yes?" he replied.

"Could you come out here?  I have something to show you."  

"I'm not really in the mood."

"You're not gonna regret it, I promise."

I promise.  I promise.  I promise.   Why does Gavin always say that?  

Charles gave out an exasperated sigh.

"Fine.  But lemme change first."

"You don't have to."

"What?"

"Just come out, okay?"

Charles hesitantly opened the door.  He was surprised at what he saw.  Gavin is wearing a semi-formal attire similar to his.  The room was dimly lit by candles set on the dining table.

"What's this?"  Charles asked, smiling widely.

Gavin maintained his formal posture.  "You have dinner reservation at 6 PM.  Your date has been waiting for you, sir."  

Charles couldn't contain his laughter because of Gavin's apparent role-playing game.

"This way, sir."  Gavin held out his hand,  Charles took it, and together they walked towards the dining table.  Gavin pulled out a chair,  Charles sat on it.  After sitting,  Gavin immediately sat on the chair opposite his.  Charles laughed even more loudly.

"You're late.  But I'll forgive you since this is our first date.  I took the liberty of ordering for the both of us.  I hope you like steak.  The chef here makes it excellent."  Gavin said, feigning a tone of subtle arrogance, like  a true first-class man.

"Well, then I guess I'll dive in."  Charles replied, deciding to play along.

"Tell me about yourself.  This is obviously our first meeting, so what can you tell me about yourself?"

Charles is smiling while shaking his head in amusement.

"Alright.  Well, my name is Charles Phillip Tan.  You should take note that my parents are very rich."

Gavin laughed, almost spitting out his wine.

"And I do hope you won't be like my ex-boyfriend.  He's so busy all the time, he barely saves times for me."

Gavin raised his eyebrow.  "Ex-boyfriend?  I'm intrigued."

Oops.  Charles thought.  When did I decide that?

"Tell me about this ex-boyfriend of yours."

"Is that really how you wanna spend this night?"

"I am quite sure of it."

"Well, he's a doctor.  He's also a consulting physician in my university.  And we met two years ago.  Although, I already knew him before.  The sole heir of Dr. Frank Zarate's medical empire which almost collapsed if not for my father's empathy and wealth."  Charles explained, smiling faintly.  Gavin was satisfying his suspicion however.  Sole heir.   

"Anyway, two years ago was when I first conversed with him.  At the university's rooftop.  We got to talking, apparently.  Although, I couldn't really recall what we talked about.  And now, two years after,  I broke up with him.  He just doesn't know it yet."

It was good news for Gavin, but he didn't celebrate.  He didn't feel that kind of happiness caused by jealousy, instead, he just listened and stared at Charles.   Reading his emotion.  

"When'd you decide to break off the relationship?"  Gavin asked, dropping the pretense.

"Just now."  was Charles's reply, eyes burrowing into Gavin's as if finding solace there.  "It feels right, Gavin.  And I can't explain why.  Perhaps, it was you.  You came, and then everything I knew began its destruction.  But it's a good destruction.  Like how you need to destroy the house in order to build a stronger one.  A more beautiful one."

Maybe it was the wine.  Charles thought, trying to rationalize his behavior.  But no, it wasn't the wine.  All the words he was spouting came from somewhere far deeper, far stronger and sweeter than the taste of alcohol.

Gavin didn't dare interrupt.  He listened.  He absorbed every word.  And every word is true, devoid of malice.  Every word takes him back to the place where both he and Charles were happy.

"Or, perhaps, it was me.  Perhaps, I just needed a push.  To put me in the right track even if I am unsure of the path I am walking.  Or maybe, and I think this is the right answer.  It was the both of us.  There is something about our connection that runs deep within my consciousness.  I can't explain it no matter how hard I tried.  At times, I feel like it's coming to me, but I was unsure, and so it was lost...again."

Tears began to ran down both the men's faces.  Two hearts beating in rhythm and sync.

"Who are you, Gavin De Guzman?  And how did you find me?"

Gavin smiled amidst the tears.  He slowly stood up and walked towards Charles.  Charles followed Gavin with his eyes.  When Gavin stooped in front of Charles, he leaned over, and kissed Charles on the lips.  Charles was not surprised.  The kiss was sincere and kind.  Like somehow, it was whispering, I'll protect you, I promise.  And this gesture, although very strange, is familiar to Charles.  And so, he returned the kiss.  Crystalline tears rolling down their flushed cheeks.

"You already know me, Charles Phillip Tan."  Gavin said, holding Charles in his arms, never wanting to let go.  Charles caressed Gavin's arms, comforted, safe.

"Yes.  I do.  You are Gavin.  And I am yours."

They remained like that until they fall asleep.  Naked, under their bedsheet.  Warm, safe, and contented.