"Best Friends"

Chapter Five

Feet on the arm rest, legs over Jonah’s lap, back on the other cushion of the sofa, I am not paying attention to the movie whatsoever. He and his brother had picked it, some action movie with no plot. There’s a soft beeping though, as the microwave is done, and I can hear Clark getting popcorn into the bowl.

As soon as he sits down into the sofa right next to us, I reach – looking upside down – to get some popcorn. I’ve become very skilled at this, this formation not an unusual occurrence. Whether it’s because Clark randomly decides he wants to watch the movie, it’s a movie I don’t care about, or I am more interested in my current read, doesn’t matter. This is where we end up on movie-night.

I try not to think about kissing him some hours ago; try not to think about the conversation beforehand. For once, I just wanted things to be normal, to be usual – like nothing’s ever changed, like nothing will ever change. I just… need this, just for tonight. Take another handful of his popcorn, I nibble away and press for the next page on my k****e.

Clark lets out his normal huff, probably about to argue that if I want popcorn, I should go make myself a bowl. Which then I usually stick my tongue out and say but his is right there. Sometimes that makes him get up and make me a bowl, sometimes it makes him move a seat away, sometimes it makes him give up and let me eat as much as I want. So, when he stands and scoops an arm under my back, I am very confused and surprised.

Sitting in my square, laying me against his legs, he puts the bowl in my lap. “There.”

Upside down I can see his firm jaw in the glow from the screen, his eyes unwavering from the movie. I look to Jonah who is already looking at me with raised eyebrows. I give him a ‘Don’t-look-at-me he’s-your-brother’ face and go back to my k****e.

Now Clark’s arm is laying over mine, fingers barely touching the bowl.

I can hear some hacking and slashing from the wall-length screen, I try and read but I keep going over the same page again and again. I literally and figuratively have never been in this position and don’t know what to do. Trying to think of some excuse to get up, Jonah beats me to the punch and announces, “I have to pee,” lifting my legs and dropping them behind him.

Trying to read, trying to follow the words on my screen, I act like absolutely nothing is different than any other movie-night.

“What are you reading?” Clark asks without inflection.

I look backwards to him, his head hasn’t moved, his eyes still on the movie. “Ah, it’s a teen novel called The Unexpected Everything.”

“It any good?”

“Compared to most teen novels these days, oh yeah.”

“What makes you say that?”

I lower my k****e and look back to him. “Well, for example, the last book I read was called Slide Into My DM, and as much as I adore it, it was basically a modern You’ve Got Mail.”

“That was a good movie.”

Blinking I try and remember if he was there when I showed it to Jonah. “Yes… though that movie is based on an older film called –”

“The Shop Around The Corner, right?”

“Yeah – yes, right.”

He takes some popcorn and chews slowly. “Isn’t that like how Sleepless In Seattle was sort of An Affair To Remember? A lot of movies are remakes or adaptations… is that what you mean about your books, too?”

I close my mouth for a moment and scratch at my brow. “Yes, actually. Or, at least, it’s like I can read a newer book and go ‘oh, that’s from here… and that’s from there…’ etcetera.”

He nods. Then, after a rather loud hack-and-s***h scene, he asks “Do you still read those other books?”

My eyes had fallen back to my e-reader; I’d actually made it through another page. “Which ones?”

“The B-D-B books.”

“BDB?”

“The Black Dagger Brotherhood books, by J. R. Ward. I wasn’t so sure about the last book but when I read it? Damn. And that spin off series - the Legacy books? Man, it’s like reading the first books of the BDB all over again.”

My k****e is lowered to my lap, screen off. “You read those?”

“They’re good.”

“I know but –”

A one-shoulder shrug. “You wouldn’t stop talking about them.”

“Well, I know but –”

“So, I checked them out.”

“Which is –”

“My favorite?” he finishes, totally derailing what I was going to say. “I really like Rhage and Mary. The first book is solid….” He finally looks down at me, “You’ve read The Beast haven’t you?”

“Y-yeah.”

He nods and looks back at the screen. “I was so happy for them, for Rhage.”

“With Bitty?”

“Yeah.”

Feeling like an alternate universe, I really don’t know what to say next. Body on some sort of auto pilot, I manage to stand and look down at Clark. “I think I’m going to go take my meds.”

“The Seroquel?”

“And Hydroxyzine.”

His brows furrow, “The anti-anxiety?”

“Yes…”

“Now?”

I give him a look. “Well, you said you’d be there with me – for me.”

His nod is quick, “Of course, always. Just thought you might want to take that first and then the Seroquel later.”

I shrug, “My doctor suggested to take them together if it’s at night.”

He lifts from the couch too, pushing his hand through his hair. “Well, alright.”

I try and protest him following me, but I remember when he first saw my Seroquel, looking at the name and typing it into some website to look into the side-effects and stuff. He was good like that, protective like that, thoughtful like that…. Far different from either of my parents. They just ask ‘are you taking your meds’ periodically and as long as I say ‘yes’ they don’t press.

Why wouldn’t I, for Christ’s sake? Do they really think I want to be depressed? Or manic? Or panicked? Or… crazy?

*

In Jonah’s room, Candice shifts through her bag. “I’ll probably fall asleep quickly….”

“That’s okay, I can always carry you back up here.”

She snorts and rolls her eyes. “You say that like you’ve done it before.”

Arms crossed, looking at her with an expression of un-deniability, I reply, “I have.”

Her mouth makes a little o. Then, she takes out two prescription bottles and hands them to me. “Here.”

I note that her mood-stabilizers have gone from two hundred to two-fifty and hand it back to her. She takes one pill out and tosses the bottle back to her bag. With one hand I hold the anti-anxiety medication, with the other I type it into my phone. She has a very low dose from what I skim through and one of the side-effects can be sleepiness. With it being her first time taking the medication plus her daily dose, I doubt she’s even going to make it an hour without nodding off.

“You should feel a lot better,” I had the second bottle back.

She shrugs and takes out one pill. “We’ll see.”

I watch the way her freckled nose wrinkles as she dry swallows the pills, and the way her long lashes flutter against her cheek as she blinks a few times. “Let’s get back downstairs.”

I step back and let her walk first out of my brother’s room. Down the stairs and back into the game room, I sit back down on the second sofa, letting her relax in the other. Jonah looks at both of us and teases, “Do I want to know?”

Rolling my eyes, I hear Candice explain about her medication. Jonah doesn’t quite follow all her health stuff like I do but he nods thoughtfully and asks, “How are you feeling?”

She sighs, her eyes straight up, her hands cupped over her stomach. “Like I don’t want tomorrow to come, honestly.”

Without thinking, I reach over and start combing through her hair. “It’s going to be okay, Candice.”

Her eyes are closed, and I can tell she’s trying not to cry. “I don’t know, Clark. I don’t… everything’s a mess.”

Jonah looks to me with a ‘what-the-f**k’ expression and I just shake my head. “What movie do you want to watch?”

“Don’t care… I’m going to fall asleep anyway.”

I look to my brother, who’s completely lost. “Ah, what about a musical?”

“Mmm. Across The Universe?”

“Sure,” he nods to me.

I lift from my spot and move over to Jonah’s movie case. I know he organizes them by genre then alphabetically. So, at the bottom of the middle, there is the movie. Getting it into the player, then back in my seat, after ‘Play Movie’ is selected, I go back to running my fingers through Candice’s hair. As typical, and why I don’t usually stick around for musicals, Jonah and she start singing along without care. Her voice is softer, with her sleepiness, but she doesn’t miss a beat. Of course, I knew this movie as well as them, having lived in this house with them for the past eleven years but it’s weird to actually be sitting with them, with her and watching it.

I notice she doesn’t start singing to ‘Let It Be’ and Jonah and I look down at her. Very clearly asleep, her face finally peaceful.

“So, what the f**k is going on?” I hear him whisper.

“Has she not told you?”

“Obviously not.”

My eyes flick up to his. “Her parents are talking about separation, maybe even divorce.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

He shakes his head. “Is she doing okay?”

For once I look at him an answer directly. “I don’t know, Jonah. This has been really difficult for her.”

“Which one of her parents is it? Her dad?”

“No… sadly. It’s her mom.”

He turns a little towards me, with an incredulous expression. “Her mom?”

I know she’s going to tell him all this tomorrow, so I don’t feel like I’m crossing a line. He knows that too, that’s why he’s asking. “After what… happened, her mom wants to move. Her dad says he refuses, that he won’t take her away from us, school, her life….”

“Is that why her mom got her Hades?”

I feel a sharp twinge in my chest. “Probably.”

“f**k,” he repeats.

“I know.”

Mid-way through ‘Dear Prudence’, Jonah gets a text. “Oh! Justin wants to come over.”

My eyes had been closed, my mind just focusing on how soft Candice’s hair is. “What time is it?”

“It’s only midnight.”

I peek over, “Really?”

“Well, twelve-thirteen.”

I look down, “I guess I can get her to bed.”

“Cool. Thanks! I don’t think Justin will be over long.”

“‘Kay.”

I scoop Candice up the same way I always have, resting her head against my shoulder. As I’m out of the game room I hear the movie stop. A comfortable silence falls, and I can hear the subtle sound of Candice’s breathing. I scoot Jonah’s door open farther with my foot and am careful when placing her down on the pull out. She settles soundly, curling around her pillow. I brush back so of her hair with care, then move to close the curtains. I look down before heading to leave, “Goodnight, Candice.”

There a murmur sounding like “‘Night, Clark,” but she’s so very sleepy.

I smile to myself and get one last look at her, the soft yellow light of the bathroom washing over her face. I take a wide step and open the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. Right as I’m about to close with without clicking the knob there’s a little “Wait” from Candice.

Frowning, I peek into the room. She is rubbing her eyes gently, “Clark?”

A step back in, “Yes?”

She doesn’t open her eyes but scoots farther into the bed, towards the wall. “Please don’t leave.”

Door closed, I come over and sit on the edge of the bed. “I’m right here.”

She curls towards me, her hand out. “I’m scared.”

I take her hand softly. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

She huffs then yawns, her head nestling against the pillow. “Everything’s changing.”

“Just remember what I told you.”

“Never think nobody cares?”

My thumb moves over the back of her hand softly, “Exactly.”

Candice starts to cry, and I ease into the bed. I clear her face of any stray curls and wipe away some of the tears. I have no idea what’s going in her head, but I know that I can at least be here, right here where she needs me. “I don’t want to be depressed again,” she whimpers.

I cannot imagine how scary and difficult it is when you cannot even control your own mind. Her body and brain working against her, regardless of what she may actually feel or want. The imbalance of chemicals eating at her from the inside out. I knew for a fact she’d never done drugs - not even smoking pot, and only had a drink or two at our parties because she never wants to lose control. I can’t blame her… when she can go one moment to the next and start feeling that slide into darkness. If I were her, I’d be a huge control freak over everything I could.

My own eyes getting watery I hold her hand tight. “I’m going to be here, no matter what, okay?”

“You and Jonah are the only people who’ve ever said that to me.”

I stop myself from blurting a nasty comment about her selfish parents, instead saying, “Don’t you ever doubt it.”

She sniffs and coughs and wipes her face. “I don’t… I never have.”

“Good,” I squeeze her hand. “Now get some sleep, okay? I’ll see you in the morning.”

I don’t move though, not until I figure she’s soundly asleep. This time I’m able to slip from the bed, out of the room, and close the door without disturbing her. In my own room I think about how vulnerable she is, how confused she is, how terrified she is of losing everything… her mom, her family, her home, Jonah, me….

And much to my displeasure, I realize if I am going to start some sort of more-than-friendship relationship this is just not the time.