MUTLULUĞA SARILMAK

Section 1

I was sure that I looked like a drunk with my reluctant, splayed steps.

Was I really drunk?

Since being drunk means not knowing oneself, I am definitely drunk since I am unable to say my name even if they ask me now.

I roll my eyes at the fact that I have connected things in this way in my mind.

I kicked the stone that came in front of my feet and started to move forward.

Could I be crazy right now?

Even though I could not convince myself whether I should be drunk or not, my stance on this matter was clear. I was crazy! It's also immaculate.

I continued to advance the stone with my foot to distract my mind, where the thoughts did not leave empty for a second.

This has been an activity that will keep my mind busy until I arrive in front of my house.

This visa week is killing me. It took me to the bone. In addition to having a pile of books in my backpack, I had two books each weighing 800 grams while I was waiting for five kilograms, as a result of which I measured their weight out of curiosity that I held in my lap.

On the outside, I was sure I didn't look like a college student.

I should have looked more like a seasonal worker.

I wish I could wear bags that I couldn't even fit my phone in, but I didn't take my books to school in a sack!

Please take the truth of the fact that I read law, which is what I always say before I ask people proudly.

Because now I need it to be a dream, not a reality.

I can't stand it right now. Could the purpose of this chapter be to make us memorize all the words in the world?

Because I can't find any other explanation.

My vocabulary is full of words I don't know the meaning of! More precisely, the word I forgot the meaning of is full of words that I will forget after a while.

The result is zero. Thinking about it this way, even the deep breath I was taking right now seemed illogical to me.

That's why I got my thoughts out of my head so I wouldn't think like that.

While I was advancing rapidly, I bumped into something, blindfolded to the stone I pushed with the tip of my foot, saying, "Lucky law, are you big or am I?"

Whatever I bumped into, you are missing right now!

"Ah!"

My shoulder was severed. As I walked towards the stone with the power of faith, my shoulder was severed, my books and myself fell to the ground!

I made a face. Or rather, my face contorted reflexively. I cursed the world that gave me the grimace reflex once again!

Yes, during my exam weeks, I was suffocating with everything, my magnificent personality could become a little bit disgusting, but not very much.

I grabbed my shoulder and rubbed it.

I started slacking off without looking at the person I bumped into.

"Look in front of you! I was dying because of you! I've only got a pinch left, why are you trying to squeeze it too?"

I raised my head with my hand that I took from his shoulder and came face to face with the person who had hit me.

Aras brother, with his eyebrows slightly furrowed, was not looking at me, but at my shoulder, but at my arm, or rather at my newly bought watch on my arm.

When I thought of the possibility that these looks could bring evil eye to my dear watch, I forgot about the pain in my arm and closed my watch with my right hand.

I couldn't trust anyone with the evil eye.

Aras and I were studying at the same school, but since he studied medicine, our faculties were different.

We didn't see each other most of the time. We used to ignore it when we saw it, or Aras brother would usually stare at my watch as he is now.

I would also like to add that I am quite right in my current fear, as he had even spoiled my watch years ago.

When I pulled my eyes away from his eyes and looked over him, I saw that he was devastated just like me.

His exam week must have been tough, too.

Aras brother bent slightly and extended his hand.

I turned my gaze to his hands.

I loved my place so much I guess I never had a shield.

He waved his hand in front of me to make his presence known.

I looked into his dark brown eyes again, then I stood up with a fury without holding his outstretched hand.

I guess I wasn't in the mood to get up with the hand of the person who dropped me.

Okay, I admit it, he didn't drop me, even I could be considered someone who tried to drop him, but oh well! I don't think you need to worry about such small details.

My staggering as I got up made me angry with myself.

"Are you okay?"

His voice was extremely tired.

I gave him a sideways glance.

"My arm was torn off thanks to you! One looks in front of you!"

I was right, one should look ahead after all.

His eyes looked in disbelief.

He looked like he was going to laugh for a moment, but he didn't. He picked up my 800 gram books from where they fell and handed them to me.

"I'll be more careful from now on," he said in his sarcastic voice.

My problem was different. When those books were gone, my arms were at ease. They should not come again. I murmured a last hope.

I had a nervous smile on my face.

"It is my gift for you"

His eyebrows shot up reflexively. Again, I surprised him. I was actually surprised that people were surprised at my reactions. Because these were my classic unconscious behaviors that always happened.

His surprise was replaced by a smile after a few seconds.

But I was never laughing.

Reluctantly, I took the books in his hand and started to continue on my way from where I left off.

"Joy"

My steps stopped when Aras brother called after me. I turned my back half way and spoke in a stern tone.

"What? "

Normally, I wasn't that rude, okay, I was rude again, but I wasn't that much, I also had a special rudeness for exam lines.

"There is a day at our house, stop by and eat something, aunt Sevil is already there"

My eyebrows furrowed even more. If my mother is gone for the day, there is no food in the house. God, what are you testing me with?

"Oh God, if he wrote it, let it break it!"

Going there meant meeting gossip-loving people who would pounce on me like a hungry dog.

I would never go if I knew that I would die of starvation.

Aras brother smiled enough to show his teeth this time.

"Don't let my mother hear," he said in a voice with a hint of joy.

Aras brother's mother may have been the only person in this neighborhood that I loved and thought he loved me.

For some reason she loved me.

I shrugged carelessly.

"I don't care" I really didn't care, big problems didn't have time for the little ones, so I didn't care.

"Tell Hale to make you a plate then"

I rolled my eyes. halo. Aras brother's sister, who is the same age as me, is my least favorite creature since childhood.

If she was the right example of the aunts in the neighborhood, I was the wrong example.

Even though he doesn't like it, he makes it barren, I wouldn't do it even though I like it very much.

He would run from day to day, I would run away from the day. He kisses the hand of everyone he likes and dislikes, and generally obeys the rules of respect he has set, I would talk a lot about the wrongness of those rules of respect, and as a result, I would be declared disrespectful.

I could have listed many more things, but unfortunately I am experiencing a bit of mental retardation right now.

Hale and I never got along since we were kids. He used to gather the girls in the neighborhood when I was little and left me alone. I hated him ever since.

The better her mother was, the worse her daughter was.

Damn it!

"He puts poison or something, leave it on the plate"

I turned around and walked away.

Turning my back and advancing clearly showed that this conversation was over for me.

As I was passing by Aras brothers' house, when I thought of the people inside, I rolled my eyes and came to our house, which was a few houses later.

I entered the house with a hearty look at the table in the garden.

How nice it would be to sit in the garden in this autumn weather. But where was I supposed to sit and study?

As soon as I entered the house, I entered my room without hesitation, threw the books in my hand on my bed and threw my bag on the floor.

That was my way of getting on my nerves.

I guess I just couldn't get out of puberty.

I quickly changed my clothes and put on my pajamas.

Pajamas at two o'clock.

I had to concentrate fully while studying. It was incredibly comfortable in my pajamas.

And frankly, I was comforting myself with my pajamas because I was away from my bed.

I put on my pajamas and went to the kitchen.

Since I won't be going out of my room for a long time, I decided to prepare something for myself, even though I didn't have much of an appetite.

There was no food in the kitchen as I expected. My mother would most likely cook the meals after she came back from the day.

No, I didn't understand your business today, money keeps going from one place to another. There is zero in short.

Although I guessed that there would be no food, the lack of food pissed me off.

I sternly opened the refrigerator door and left whatever could be put between the bread on the counter so that I could make myself a sandwich.

I made myself two sandwiches as I thought about staying in my room all night long.

The house bell rang while she was cutting the cheddar cheese in the worst way possible.

I didn't care. The ring would go away, wouldn't it?

To be frank, I didn't care one bit who came to the door because everyone in the family had a key.

While I was throwing a slice of cheddar cheese into my stomach, there was a hard knock on the door.

I closed my eyes in anger.

Without letting go of the knife in my hand, I went to the door and opened it. You might need a knife, after all.

Hale was looking at me with a heaped plate in her hand.

My day was never going well today.

I took a sideways glance and opened my mouth with a stern voice.

"What?"

This time he rolled his eyes.

He said, "You have a blunt hand! Just as you hurt my brother, take a plate to this poor man, it's good luck!"

The way Hale described the event almost made me laugh. But instead, I leaned the knife in my hand against the corner of the door, looking directly at the halo. Frankly, this was a completely unconscious, non-malicious act.

"Come on dear, God give it to another door!"

Said.

He glanced at the knife in my hand and gave me a contemptuous look.

I rolled my eyes. This i***t would say for sure now I went and saved my life in the middle of the day.

"It's the fault of the one who does you a favor!"

What he did was good. I actually had no idea.

"Take that plate, don't priest me with my brother!"

A mocking look formed on my face.

"If I don't get the moon, will you become a priest with your brother? I can't tell you how happy I am"

I spoke as I slammed the door in the face of the move as the smug smile instantly disappeared from my face.

"I'm not getting it!"

As soon as I closed the door, I couldn't hear the halo counting behind me. I ignored it and went back to the kitchen to invent new geometric shapes and make my sandwich.

I closed in my room, taking the sandwiches I had prepared.

After the time that has passed, and I have no idea how much time has passed, the door of my room opened with a rough sound as if it was being raided.

I jumped up and brought my thumb to my mouth.

When I was convinced that I would not die of fear, I turned my tired eyes to my mother.

"Look, mom, you're having a hard time like this, break the door for once, relax and me too"

I was right, I have to put my finger in my mouth all the time, if I was too scared, I had to eat even sugar cubes.

Of course my mother didn't mind me. I looked away from him and reached for my glass of water.

"Girl, did you pull a knife on the halo?"

No way! Even though I expected Hala to act like this, I was still surprised when I first heard about it.

When I had a coughing fit, my mother came to me and started hitting me on my back.

One of the things I dislike the most is that my back hurts!

I talked to my mother away from myself.

"No more mom! What a knife pulling? If I were to kill him, would I draw a knife now!" I said sorry.

It's a shame to say, I have a great interest in murders committed by serial killers in detail.

"Oh my God, what am I going to do with you! Why does this girl say such things in the middle of the day then!"

Sadness covered my mother's face. He sat on my bed and hit his knee a few times.

"Oh my God, we have become disgraced to the neighborhood! They will talk carriage by car, now they will exaggerate and exaggerate, they will say that your daughter is a murderer. What happened to me"

I burst out laughing at my mother's reaction. Immediately, stares turned to me.

"Is there something to laugh about, Ms. Joy!"

I burst out laughing again. Since my mother's anger was increasing, it made me shiver a little, so I decided to postpone my laughing job because if I laughed a little more, the rumor that my mother beat me with slippers would spread to the neighborhood. I had an autism, I couldn't have it drawn.

I shrugged my shoulders and waved as if to say never mind.

"Oh mom, look at what you're worried about. I'll go away in a little while, I'll tear off your aura so that rumor is closed. The pain has suppressed the pain after all"

If I pushed my luck a little more, I would seriously be beaten with slippers.

After I finished my speech, I turned to the book in front of me.

My mom was probably glaring at me after what I said.

I turned my gaze back to my mother. He was indeed staring.

"Girl, why don't you do something smart, we said it would get better for years, you got worse"

My mother's sad words made me burst out laughing again. I was never going to laugh. If I were to laugh, think about how much I would laugh.

Life was laughter for me. It was to be able to laugh.

"Joy don't make me mad, what are you laughing at!"

I was really pushing my luck.

I bit my cheeks to keep from laughing as my mother was really pissed off.

"Oh mom, life is short, burst a laugh"

Ayy what a beautiful rhyme I made up. I really liked it, I should have noted it down. Otherwise, I knew I would forget myself.

My mother left my room begging for patience. I knew that the reason why he asked for patience was because he had a hard time keeping it from popping it into my mouth.

So what if I laugh at anything irrelevant? I love to laugh. I laugh in serious situations, if someone is angry, I laugh even more, these things have become a habit for me now.

Do I sleep so I'm crying?

I do not think so.

If I am in this world, I must hold tight to happiness.

It was good to laugh, but it was best to laugh when you were sad.

Despite everything, laughing was a rebellion for me.

My laughter was the head I raised to everyone and everything.

As I continued the lesson from where I left off, I worked nonstop for a while.

My brain was running out. I lean back in my chair and reach for my phone on my desk.

I clicked on the message that elif sent, bypassing the messages from the groups.

"My beetle, can you send me the notes you took in our last lesson?"

What's my insect or what's my insect? How many times have I told Elife not to call me an insect, no, it is not clear whether she loves it or bury it.

It had been 1 hour since the message was sent. I opened the camera of my phone and took the notes he wanted and sent them.

I left the message wall with Elif and started looking at other incoming messages.

A number of unknowns had texted me. I rolled my eyes. It was pathetic that people with whom I don't normally have a conversation should ask for grades like this during exam weeks. I felt sorry for them too.

I just sent a rolling emoji to people who asked me for a note and turned off my phone.

No, so it's clear that I won't give grades? Why are you texting me with the philosophy that hope is the bread of the poor during exam weeks? I can't give my notes or something to people I normally don't talk to, I'm sorry. Once again, this is considered a right of use. right? Absolutely right. I cannot do justice to my dear friends.

My door was opened for the second time today, in danger of breaking.

I looked back at my brother.

"When will you break it for good?"

My brother frowned.

"What are you saying girl?"

"I say when will you break the door for good!"

My brother rolled his eyes at me.

"Come on, don't procrastinate, dinner is ready"

When my brother left my room, I stood up with the mobility I felt in my stomach.

Even though I ate 2 sandwiches, I was feeling hungry.

With what hopes did I enter this room, 2 sandwiches would be enough for me all night, but where did the damn stomach start to growl at seven o'clock!

I think I was getting unnecessarily high in my stomach, after all, the brain is burning glucose!

I left my room and sat at the dining table prepared in the living room.

As soon as I sat down, it caught my eye that the same kidneys on the plate that the halo brought today are on our table.

I'm sure my eyes were smiling because God forgive me, I had a lot of eyes for those pastries, but I pulled a knife into the halo because of my damn pride.

I quickly put my hand on the pastry and started to eat it.

"Slow girl you'll drown"

I gave my brother a sideways glance, please take his disgusting joke and leave.

"Daddy tell me something, my brain is burning glucose!"

I almost rolled my eyes at myself. I wonder what's burning him!

I would be ashamed if I said this in a friend environment, but my dear brother was a bit ignorant. Here God takes from somewhere and gives from somewhere. After my brother, God must have taken pity on my mother because she gave me a wonderful son like me.

"Girl, what is ours burning!"

I was wrong, it wasn't that ignorant. Or, to be honest, this possibility was more likely in my eyes.

"Are you saying now that your brain and mine don't use the same thing for energy needs? What's more!"

I had an expression of genuine surprise on my face. My brother was also stunned for a few seconds. I think he was starting to think his brain wasn't burning glucose. This made me want to laugh for a moment, but I held back.

My brother was terrible at classes. He studied accounting for two years and started working in my father's white goods store.

Glucose was too far away for him now.

"My daughter"

When my father called me, I turned to him, a curious expression on his face.

"What burns men's brains?"

This time I couldn't hold back my laughter. I laughed for a long time as my brother's stern gaze accompanied me.

Isn't my dad so cute? Like my father, my brother probably thought that there was a difference between men and women.

I smiled broadly at my father.

“They burn glucose too, Dad,” I said, smiling sweetly.

While my brother turned to the soup in front of him saying patience, my father laughed and shook his head.

They were used to this. I used to laugh at my state of mind by deceiving them. This habit of mine would make my father laugh while my mother and brother went crazy.

Even if my brother wanted to say something wrong to me, he couldn't do it because he was afraid of my father.

While I was turning around and giving my brain a glucose boost, my mother came from the kitchen with a saucepan.

She sat down in the empty chair at the table.

The rest of the meal was spent quietly eating my meal.

I leaned back in the chair when I was finally full. Now I had to continue studying.

I grimaced and stood up, glancing at my family, who were still eating.

I spoke in a sad tone.

"Have your rights"

I was about to move when my mother grabbed me by the arm and sat me down.

"You've been working since Joy came to eat something else. Betin ran out of gas!"

I looked at my mother as if she had made an immoral offer to me.

"It's like you don't know, mom! This is the way it is! If the apocalypse breaks, this will study again"

I narrowed my eyes at my brother.

"I wish you would have taken your brother as an example too, son." I laughed at my older brother with my father's answer for me.

God forgive me, I'm so annoyed.

"My son Aras turned pale just like you," he said in a sad tone.

I did not understand whether Aras was feeling sorry for his son or me.

"You said it right mom, an Aras competes with joy in cow breeding"

My brother put the spoon in his hand down on his plate and leaned back.

"No, I don't understand, this kid wasn't like this before. He was just like Alexander and me. Then when he went to high school, whatever happened, he started studying"

My brother really told about this incident as if it was a case of pure understanding, but we did not take him seriously.

Why was he trying to spread his own failure to others?

"For God's sake, mother, instead of blushing, let my face be pale" I said glaring at my brother.

I got up from the table and started walking towards my room. I had to restrain myself for a long time not to laugh before I entered my room. Now my parents would think that my brother kidn*pped me from the table and they would be angry with him.

Let's see what it means to call me a cow!

Before I entered my room, my mother's voice came to my ears.

"Don't forget to take your meds"

I nodded, as if my mother would see, and went into my room.

My medicines. A bag of my medicines. They knew that, sometimes their colors were changing, that's all.

I sat down at my desk with a wry smile on my face.

One by one, I stacked the medicine boxes in front of me in the drawer of my desk.

I looked at it as if seeing it for the first time.

I was congenital heart disease. My heart was congenitally damaged.

My heart was aching for no reason. It used to speed up unnecessarily and bring that high-pitched sound of my watch, which I hadn't taken off my wrist since I was little, to my ears.

On unrelated days, I would open my eyes between walls other than the walls of my room.

I don't know or don't want to know how my heart is. Isn't it better not to know? He would come. Because ignorance was really bliss and I was living every moment to hold on to happiness so that happiness would be the smile on my face.

I had to be happy every moment I was alive because really life was too short for my lips to be twisted down.

That's why my impudent laughter was the subtext of my laughter.