A Promise From My Heart

Chapter Sixteen

I watched rain fall on the glass, running down, drops of water joining together before rolling down the glass. The sky was dark. The clouds that had gathered together were swollen, rain poured down on the earth that had been hot few minutes before I stepped into the building. Thunder cracked through the dark sky accompanied by lightening. My doctor, Doctor Smith, a woman almost thirty years of age watched me calmly as I stared at the beauty of nature ahead of me. Watching the rain fall, gave my fussy heart peace, a peace that spread through my body.

"Everything turned bad after mom's death" I said finally breaking the comfortable silence in the room.

It was the first time I spoke since the past few weeks I have started therapy. I was ready to speak. Doctor Smith had been a woman who had patiently tried to make me open up. I knew deep inside I needed psychological attention. I needed someone to talk to, someone who will understand me, someone who would listen to me patiently. I knew immediately I enter my psychiatrist's office that this was what I wanted but deep inside I had denied it. I needed no one's help. I was okay and just needed time.

"I saw the happy family I had become sad. No one laughed. Everybody was drowning in their sadness. No one wanted to be happy. It was like if we should be happy, we would be betraying mom. Dad who had been a happy and active man became mute. He hardly speaks. He just watched like a zombie. My brother's wife who was present during mom's death was mentally unstable. She had lost her pregnancy in an accident that occured the night mom died and gone into denial. She had lost the memory of what happened that night. I understood her condition at first. It was not easy losing a pregnancy you were so happy to have and for the memory loss, she might get it back. I thought it was just a matter of time but I was wrong" anger began to build up inside me.

"I was totally wrong. Four months passed and she was still the same" my calm voice became louder "Whenever we told her she is not pregnant, she says she is. She goes crazy, shouting and doing things that began to annoy me" My heart clenched with anger. I fisted my hand beside me gritting my teeth. I was finally letting out my emotions to someone. "Everything seemed so crazy. Nothing was fine. I could not bear her madness anymore. It angered me day by day watching her not remembering anything. Mom needed justice for her death and the only witness was mad" I threw my hands in the air.

I got up from the cold floor, fury burning in my body. Tears burned my eyes. I whirled around to look at my doctor who just watched calmly. She jotted something on the opened pad on her laps.

"Why isn't anyone blaming her? Why was everyone scared of telling her the truth about her pregnancy? Why were they all keeping quiet? Those questions swirled in my mind every day. I got angrier day by day. The anger grew so wild that I had to put it on her. I believed our miserable life was my brother's wife fault"

"You blamed her for the bad days. Did you ever think about the consequence of telling your brother's wife she was not pregnant?"

"Did I look like I care?" I shouted picking the mug on her table and threw it across the room. I wanted to put my burning anger on something. Doctor Smith was unfazed by my outburst. She stared at the broken mug then looked back at me "She was the one there. She should remember but she was so into her nonexisting pregnancy" I snapped, tears burned my wide eyes.

"Noor, they were scared she would go mad knowing the truth. The denial was a defense mechanism for her loss"

"She was not the first to lose someone precious. I have lost my mother. She was my best friend. She was the prettiest woman I ever knew. She was always there for me whenever I needed her or wanted to talk then suddenly she vanished" tears ran down my face.

"Noor" Doctor Smith got up placing the pad on the seat before walking up to me. I was weeping, weeping profusely against my will. I finally let out the weakness inside me to someone. "Take" she gave me a white handkerchief which I collected. I wiped my tears and blew the liquid in my nose. "Come and sit down" she led me to the love seat in her office.

"I wanted mom to come back sometimes but she is gone forever. My family had lost their laughter. We hardly laughed. Everything was the same every day. My brother's mentally ill wife was still the same. My brother was the only strong one in my family. He tried keeping the house in order and make things right. Everyone was his duty. No one was the same again. I knew he had pains inside him but he was strong for us. My brother and I had heated arguments. The love we had for each other had vanished. Whenever I wanted to make his mentally ill wife know she was not well in the brain and there was no child in her. He asks me to shut up. Noor, keep quiet he would say. When I don't keep quiet, he gets angry. We shout at each other. There were times he slaps me. I knew deep inside I was being a big trouble. Everything just got unbearable and when I was trying to overcome my pain, the....the...unexpected happened" I sniffled.

"What happened?"

Memories came back. The bad times I had during my pregnancy phase played like a movie in front of me. My heart raced very fast. More tears streamed down my swollen face.

"I became pregnant" my voice was barely a squeak.

"Pregnant?"

I thought it was none of her business. Why should I tell her? She does not need to know.

"I am not talking about that" I suddenly became distant from her almost trembling due to memories.

"Noor" she held my hand but I pulled my hand from her grip shifting away from her. "You are angry at your brother's wife because you think she was behind the whole family problem. You blame her because you had expected her to save your mother that night but do you know the pain and trauma she is going through on her own. My dear, try to see this whole situation from the good side. Try to understand your brother's wife. I understand how it feels to lose a loved one. It is not easy but we just have to accept the fact that they are gone. They are in a better place. A place where there are peace, happiness and a better life for them. How about pulling your brother's wife closer? Be her friend. Ignore her disorder. Imagine her as the lady you knew before the incident. And for your father, show him you love him. That you care for him and you are there for him. Try to make him laugh. Tell him and show him that even though your mother is not there again, you will always be there for him"

Her words made sense to me. They sank into me. They were true but a part of me wanted the change while the other part just refused to accept her words.

"Can I leave?" I spoke already shaking, my breathing becoming heavy.

"What?"

"I want to leave. I am going" I got up.

She just watched me calmly as usual.

"Till next time then. It was nice talking to you Noor" she said with a sweet smile as I exited her office.

After I left her office, I headed towards my sister in law's ward. I had not gone there to see her or feel how miserable she was. I had gone there to call my elder brother who had dropped me for my session. He had told me when I am done, I should call him. From the transparent glass of Sister Amy's ward, I could see them both seated on the bed, laughing. My brother loved his wife. Throughout the years I had spent with him, he had never loved a woman the way he loves Sister Amy not even his ex-girlfriend Maimunah. I never liked Maimunah. She was so annoying and a butterfly, no manners and rude. Sister Amy was his life, his everything and he had never failed to show her how much he loves her. She was different from Maimunah, her complete opposite. I had loved her until everything happened. I watched my brother whisper something into his wife's ear which made her smile. He then kissed her nose. She had returned the gesture by kissing his cheek.

For a moment, I wanted to enter. I wanted to act like nothing had gone wrong between us but I changed my mind. I felt I needed time to myself to think about Doctor Smith's words. I turned around and headed for the elevator. As I walked through the hallway of the hospital, screams eloped from some of the wards. They were not the screams of normal people. They were the scream of people mentally unstable.

At that moment, I knew my brother's wife was well. She was just in denial. And as the doctor had said, it was a defense mechanism against her pain and loss. I accepted at that moment that she was not mad. She was perfectly okay. How does she feel staying around such people? Tears burned my eyes. I walked past a ward which had it door a little opened. I had caught a glimpse of a man around my brother's age seating by the window staring outside quietly. I had walked past it before what I had seen registered into my head. I stopped and turned back to his ward.

I opened the door and stood watching him. He had looked up at me, stared back before looking away. There was something about him that had drawn me towards him. I had not known anything about this man but I had walked into his ward and stood with him. He was watching the rain that was almost a drizzle.

"A beautiful sight right?" I spoke sitting beside him on the built in bench by the window. He looked absolutely normal but I knew he wasn't. Something had brought him here.

"Yes, a beautiful sight" he answered in a thick British accent. I had not expected him to speak so I smiled. "Watching the rain gives me peace, a peace that spreads through my body" he said, smiling.

He was right, absolutely right. The rain gives me the same thing, peace. I stared at him. His hair had over grown past his shoulder looking so unkempt. He had over grown bread on his cheeks, chin and around his small strawberry lips. His eyes were the deepest gentle eyes I had ever seen. They were a set of beautiful honey wheat eyes but they were dead, dead from life and filled with pain I had never seen in anyone. His skin was creamy, smooth and flawless. Looking at him, I knew he was not purely Nigerian. He must have been a half cast.

"The things life does to us, most times we do not expect them" he said laying a hand on the window as he watched water trail down the glass. His voice was quiet and soft. "There are times life would be beautiful. Happiness, laughter and filled with colours that we would never want this happiness to end then unexpectedly something happens. This life becomes dark without light to see through it" he turned to look at me.

I saw tears in his eyes, tears that refused to fall. His words were true. He wiped away his tears before it fell with a callous long finger.

"Have you ever lost a loved one? Someone so close to your heart, someone you don't want to lose, and someone you have always wanted to be there and when you need them the most they are gone"

I wanted to reply. I wanted to tell him I understood how he feels but I had watched him. I felt his pain because that was the same pain I was going through. He stood up. He was tall, leanly muscled with broad chest like a model. He stretched grunting, his muscles flexed under the light blue hospital wear.

"Do you play chess?" he asked walking to the cupboard beside his bed.

"Yes, I do" I answered watching his every move.

"Good" he gave me a soft smile lifting a chess board from the top of the cupboard.

Gently, he walked back to me and sat.

We played having little chat. Without asking, he told me his likes and dislikes. He told me he could dance. I had asked him to show me his dance moves. I had won the game. After the little game, he had played an Indian song from the tape recorder on the cupboard. It was not familiar but I loved it. He had danced, moving his body with a smile. I had sat where I was and watched him, laughing, clapping and moving my body to the song. I have got up to join him. He was a good dancer.

I was happy with a stranger. A man I don't know, a man I had met just within an hour. He was happy. His happiness showed in his face and eyes. I was happy. Happiness and laughter that reached my sad heart lighting it up. We sang the lyrics together. For that moment, I forgot my problem and sorrow.

"You dance well" he said after our dance.

"You dance better. You are a good dancer. Where did you learn how to dance like that?" I asked wiping the little sweat on my forehead.

His smile had disappeared. His eyes showed uneasiness.

"I will take my leave now" I took my bag and turned to leave.

"Hey" his voice stopped me. I turned to look at him. "Don't miss your prayer, Angel. It's almost time for Asr" he said.

"Okay I won't" I smiled nodding my head.

"It was nice meeting you Angel" he said.

"Angel?"

"Yes Angel. That is what I will call you" he said. "Bye, I hope we meet again" he waved, his lips curled up into a smile that showed his perfectly aligned straight white teeth.

"Bye" I answered, my voice small.

As I came out of the hospital into the gloomy day, I wonder what a man like him would be doing in a psychiatric hospital. He was a happy man. The man I had met was normal to me. He was happy but I have seen his pain. What could have made him end up in such a place? I know he had unspeakable pain. A pain he had buried inside him.

"Excuse me! Excuse me!! Excuse me!!!" a feminine voice shouted behind me.

I stopped to see who it was. It was a lady in a white lab coat running up to me, the card rope around her neck swung as she ran. She waved a hand at me telling me to wait.

"Thank God I met you. I thought you would have gone before I catch up with you" she panted smiling. "I am Doctor Sharon Steer" I stared at her. "I am the doctor to the patient you just left now"

"Excuse me?" I said confused.

"The ward you just left, I am the psychiatrist to the patient you were with few minutes ago"

"Oh? How may I help you?"

"Please, may I speak to you for few minutes?"

"Okay"

She took me to her office where we sat on the sofa opposite each other.

"The patient you just left is Amir Hussein. Amir has been here for two years but he has never spoken to anyone not even me. Most times, he keeps to himself. He was brought here after the death of his family. He witnessed them die and became traumatized. Despite how quiet he is, there were times he goes insane. He shouts, screams, throw things, talks to himself and hallucinate. There were times we had to sedate him. Today is the first time he spoke to anyone. I have never seen you here. He was happy. I had watched both of you speak and interact from the door. I can't treat such person if he does not speak. I have tried to make him speak but he just watches me. So I have a request to ask of you" she ranted and I just watched her.

"What?"

"Can you please visit him anytime you come here?"

I had thought of that. I had thought I should see him anytime I can. Without been asked, I was going to visit Amir anytime I could. Something about him had pulled me to him. I wanted to know him.

"Yes, I can"

"Oh, that's good news" she gasped clapping her hands together as she chuckled "Maybe meeting you can help him recover. He needs someone to confide in and I think that person is you. Please, may I know your name?"

"Noorie but call me Noor"

"Noor, I am really grateful"

Glancing at my wrist watch, I needed to pray as Amir had said. I could not remember when last I had said my salat. I was so into my sorrow. I had thought, why should I pray when everything was not good?

"Doctor Sharon, I....."

"Call me Sharon"

"Sharon, I will have to take my leave" I got up.

"Thank you, Noor. I am so happy"

"You are welcome" I took my leave.

That day, I never knew what fate had for me. Amir Hussein became someone who got stuck on my mind like glue. I just could not take him out of my mind and the reason behind that, I do not know.