A Promise From My Heart

Chapter Eighteen

NOORIE'S POV

"What happened to the pregnancy?" Dr Smith asked looking at me with her usual calm look.

"I aborted it" I answered wetting the pink roses, my mother's favourite flower.

It was a beautiful evening. The grasses looked greener than usual and the flowers were vibrant giving the garden a sweet ambiance. The sun splashed it red rays against the clear enormous blue sky dying it red streaked with purple and orange. It settled behind the soft clouds, very slow and unnoticeable. The evening breeze was cool and calming relaxing against my skin. The flora scarf around my head flapped in the gentle breeze. Gently, I used a dirty hand to secure it over my head.

"Why?"

"Because I never wanted it. It would ruin my future" I answered, my voice harsh, my heart filled with pain. "I had dreams. Having a baby would ruin it. Not only my dreams but also ruin my dignity and pride" I plucked the weeds that were beginning to grow around the white roses. "It would give me an unimaginable pain. People would laugh at how miserable I am. I do not know the father to my child. It was a night stand with some stranger I would never remember. I was drunk because I wanted to get rid of my pain and it landed me in trouble" I wiped tears away beneath my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Do you regret ever doing that?"

"No, I feel no regret. I feel only guilt for killing an innocent life. But if I had had that child, it could have just changed my life" I shouted getting furious suddenly. Tears ran down my face. I wiped them away furiously and sniffled. "What would I tell the world who it father was. I slept with a man I don't know. Do you know how disgusting that was? And the world expect me to live with my mistake" I watered the lavenders and white daisies.

"How did your family take the news?"

"There was jubilation" I laughed, a humourless laughter. Doctor Smith furrowed her eyebrows together looking at me, confusion written on her face. "They were happy I was pregnant with a stranger's baby" I said sarcastically. "They did what very family would do. They were disappointed when they heard about my pregnancy and devastated when I aborted it. No one speaks about it and that feels so good" I dropped the watering can and walked to the little pond where lilies grew on the still water dusting my hands to get rid of the dirt.

Everything I did to this lovely garden was to keep my mother's memory. I sat by the pond, tucking my legs under me. I felt a presence beside me which made me glance up. It was Doctor Smith. She sat beside me, her chin length bob swayed in the air.

"Dr Smith, my mother's death had caused me to do lots of things. I am not blaming my miserable deeds on her death. I am just realising how stupid I had been. Do you know I had tried to make up things with my family? It worked and my father laughed for the first time in months" I smiled at the memory.

I still felt that happiness that boomed in my heart that day.

"Have you amended things with your brother's wife?" I looked at her.

"No because I don't think I can. There is no place in my heart for her yet. I can't say if my heart will change with time but for now, everything I feel for her is still the same" I spoke, bitterness dripped from my low voice.

"I am really happy on your progress Noor" she gave my shoulder a friendly pat and smiled. "It's so good and I am glad. We are through with today's session. I will take my leave" she got up.

I had not turn to look at her neither did I know when she left. I had to call her home. I could not make it to the hospital because I was having a terrible headache. After my session, I felt better. I sat by the pond until the adhan for Maghrib was called. I had begun to pray since my encounter with Amir. That reminds me of him. It had been two weeks since I saw him and there was no day I never thought of him. My lips curved up into a small soft smile when the memories of that day with him flooded in. A day I won't forget, a day that will be one of the most memorable day of my life. It was getting darker. Soon, the moon would be out and darkness will swallow the light. the stars will emerge from their hidden place and dot the dark sky like gems. I got up and headed inside to say my Maghrib prayer.

------------------------

The elevator made a ding sound and opened. With a smile, I stepped out of it into the lobby of the hospital. The lobby was sparkling clean with glistening white tiles and white walls. it was unusually quiet because this was the time you have the crazy people inside their wards screaming. I adjusted my handbag that kept falling off my shoulder my heart jumping with joy at the thought of meeting Amir after a long time. As I turned to the hallway that led to his ward, I bumped into someone so hard that I had to stagger back. The shopping bag I held fell on the floor including my handbag.

"I am so sorry" I heard the familiar voice of my brother. My eyes widened and I drew in deep breath. "Noor?"

"Assalamu alaikum" I greeted picking up the clothes that had fallen from the bag.

"What are you doing here?" he asked as we stood up.

"I came here to see someone" I answered.

"Who?" he asked curiously.

"A friend"

"Which friend have you come to see in a psychiatric hospital and what are you doing with men's clothes in that bag?" he asked more curious looking at the shopping bag.

"Brother Yusuf, I am sorry I can't tell you anything about this friend of mine. It is still personal for now" I said softly.

He stared at me for a while before nodding his head slowly.

"It's okay Noor" he patted my shoulder. "I was just heading to Amatullah's ward"

I wanted to snort and roll my eyes but I smiled. Like I care if he was going to see her.

"Alright, I will see you at home" I walked past him.

I hummed as I approached Amir's ward. An ear piercing shout made me stop, curious about it source. My eyebrows drew together. Who would be shouting so loud? In that person's voice, I could hear fear, agony and pain in it.

I entered Amir's ward and what I saw made me drop the shopping bag I was holding and halt by the door. My eyes grew wide at the scene before me. I stood frozen with surprise. Amir was shouting, screaming and crying. He was wild like an angry bear. His muscles flexed and his veins rose against his skin evident as he struggled with the men that held him back. Sharon stood in the room, in her white lab coat, her hair tucked behind her ears, confusion, worry and frustration written on her tired face.

"Leave me alone. Leave me!" he roared, struggling, pushing and kicking.

My bulging eyes darted around his room. His room looked as if a fight had taken place in it. His bed had moved away from its original spot probably from the force of being pushed. It slanted across the room. The nightstand Amir had once picked the chess board from laid on the floor, its door broken. There were pills scattered on the tiled floor, most of them squashed into powdery form.

"Amir, please calm down. Amir, listen to me" Sharon begged.

"They killed them. They left me. They died. He caused it. He told me!" he shouted, his manly voice vibrated through the room. I watched Sharon match to the bed and pick up an injection.

"Sharon, wait" I walked into the room, my heart beginning to race fast like that of a prey running from a hungry lion. Sharon turned to look at me.

I was scared, scared for him, scared for a man I knew nothing about. The way he shouted, struggled and wept, his agony touched my heart. Tears sprung in my eyes.

"Noor" she huffed then walked towards Amir taking long stride.

"Sharon, please wait" I ran up to her halting in front of her. I held up a hand gesturing her to stop, my eyes flickered with fear. "What do you want to do to him?"

"I want to sedate him" she answered irritated.

"No, wait" I placed a hand on her shoulder to hold her back. "Don't sedate him. I will talk to him. He will listen to me" I ranted, my voice shaking and tears threatening to spill.

"You think so?" She gave me a doubtful look.

"Yes, I know he will. Just tell them to leave him" I begged, a tear slipped.

Why was I crying for him? Why had a tear fallen for him? Why am I trembling? Why am I scared for someone I know nothing about? Was it out of pity? I had asked myself these question many times after the incident. I had a feeling deep inside my heart Amir would listen to me.

"Leave him" Sharon ordered and the men obeyed.

"Amir" I called running up to him.

"Angel" his lips quivered then slowly, he sat on the floor, crystal balls turning into a water fall.

I had never seen a man cry. Neither my brother nor my father had cried before me.

"Amir" I knelt down in front of him.

Amir was trembling, beads of sweat evident on his forehead, his breathing quickened in a very abnormal way as if he was hyperventilating. I held his shaking cold hands, my heart beating against my rib cage. He sobbed.

"He killed them. He caused it Angel. He thought dad ruined him and he killed them. I wanted to save them Angel. I was too late. He caused the car accident" he wept trying to breathe. he took in deep breath and let out deeper ones.

"Why is he trembling? What's happening to him?" I asked Sharon, my voice broken.

I could not stop the tears that fell. I wiped them away with a shaking hand.

"He is having panic attack Noor" Sharon replied.

"It's alright Amir. Calm down please. Stop crying" I consoled him by running a hand through his back. I felt his tensed muscle under my palm "Breath in then out. Try to calm your nerves. You will feel better" I rubbed his back.

He did as I said trying to stimulate his respiration and it worked even though it had taken long. Few minutes later, Amir was asleep after a quiet moment with him.

--------------------

"You cried" Sharon said, her voice calm as she handed over a glass of water and tissue paper to me.

I smiled, a weak smile "Yes, I did and I still don't know why" I drank water then wiped away my tear stained face and blew the running liquid in my nose.

"He is having posttraumatic stress disorder" Sharon sat beside me on the love seat in her office.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked my voice hoarse from crying as I turned to look at her.

"Amir is emotionally and psychologically traumatized. He had seen his family die in front of him and it left him traumatized. Posttraumatic stress disorder is the psychological reaction to a severely stressful and physically threatening event that often result in anxiety, flashbacks, hyper vigilance, depression, suicidal ideation and other mental health concern for an extended period of time" she explained.

"Elaborate on it Sharon. I still don't understand" I threw the used tissue inside the waste bin by the door.

"As I have said earlier, Amir is experiencing emotional and psychological trauma which is as a result of the accident he witnessed leading to his family's death. The stressful event had shattered his sense of security making him feel helpless in his world. The accident had led to trauma because it happened unexpectedly, he was not prepared for it, he had not been able to prevent it as he had said and someone had caused it" she picked up the pad resting on the armrest. She had jotted something down in a writing I don't understand "I have gotten to know this when he said he killed them, he thought Abu (father) ruined him, I tried to save them but I was too late . The more I read this words, it becomes clearer to me that he feels guilty for what happened and fear towards the man that caused the accident"

"So, what are you doing to him now?"

"Presently he is undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy which he is not responding to. Few months back, I had decided since he was not responding to cognitive behavioural therapy, he should have a group therapy but it also did not work. He had not said anything. He had isolated himself from people because he does not trust anyone and he feels insecure about his life. He experiences panic attack and he is presently in depression. I had administered antidepressant, mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety medications which he takes" she explained enthusiastically

"What are the uses of these drugs?"

"Antidepressant is to prevent depression, mood stabilizer to regulate his moods and anti-anxiety to prevent panic attacks. I don't know what else he is experiencing because he is not opening up to me. I was surprised when he had spoken to you. It means he trusts you Noor. For him to tell you those little secret, he trust you. He does not trust me and I need your help to treat Amir" I held her hands.

"I am ready to help you if it means he will get well. I don't mind talking to him. Since he trust me and feels safe around me, I will talk to him. I know he will listen to me" I gave her hand a light squeeze.

"Thank you so much" she hugged me.

"You are welcome" I hugged her back. "Now tell me, what are the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder?"

"When his guardian brought him, she said...."

"Guardian? Who is his guardian?"

"His mother's younger sister, Mrs Khan. She said most times, he had nightmares, hallucinates and had isolated himself from the family. He gets scared unnecessarily. He slipped into depression. She said he hardly sleeps which means insomnia. She also said there were times when he gets scared and begins to tremble, cry and hyperventilate. I don't know if he still experience nightmares and insomnia because he has refused to talk"

"You don't have to worry. Sharon, he will open up to you soon. I will talk to him" I patted her shoulder.

"Take this" she picked a green folder from the table and placed it on my lap. "That's Amir's file. I am not supposed to show you that. It is against the hospital's rules but I think you might want to know few things about him"

"Thanks" I opened the folder. "He is twenty-eight" Wow! He is a year younger than my brother and six years older than me. "His father was a Nigerian and his mother was a Pakistani" I closed the file and dropped it file on the table. That explains his look.

"Yes, an half cast" Sharon replied.

The door opened and a woman entered getting mine and Sharon's attention.

"Mrs Khan" Sharon smiled and got up.

I got to know that was Amir's aunty. She wore a black Abaya with white embroidery and had a black hijab wrapped around her head. She wore minimal makeup. Her porcelain skin was spotless and looked smooth. She had pouting pink lips, bold honey wheat eyes, same colour with Amir's eyes and a straight nose that had a sparkling nose stud on the left nostril. I could not deny she was pretty.

"Good afternoon Sharon" she greeted Sharon pulling her into a hug.

"Welcome, Mrs Khan. Please have a seat" Sharon gestured her to the sofa beside me.

"Assalamu alaikum" I greeted Mrs Khan.

"Walaikum Salam" she answered.

"Mrs Khan, this is Noor. The lady I told you about if you remember. She was the lady I told you was with Amir"

"Yes, I remember" she smiled, a smile that did not reach her eyes. "Noor, I had wanted to meet you" she got up and I copied her action. "I heard he finally spoke to you" she held my hands. Her palms were soft. "He trusts you. Please, will you stay with him and help him recover?" her eyes became glassy with tears. "I don't know you but if you are his path to recovery, I can't help it but ask" tears slipped down her face.

"Mrs Khan, you don't have to worry. I will stay with him and help him recover"

"Thank you so much" she cried.

"Please don't cry Mrs Khan"

"These are tears of joy jaan" she smiled through her tears. Mrs Khan wiped her tears then sat down. "Sit down beti" she said patting the seat beside her.

"I would like to take my leave now" I smiled.

"Okay then, we should meet from now on" she reached for her bag and pulled a card out. "I would like to see you soon. Please call when you are free habibti" I collected the card from her.

"I will In Sha Allah. Sharon, we shall meet soon" I picked my bag and the shopping bag then left.

On my way out, I stared at the card Mrs Khan had given me. It had her number and name Sabr Khan. Beautiful name, I thought. As I walked out of the hospital, I knew I needed to help Amir. I had two people who wanted me to help with Amir's recovery which I could not refuse because I really never had a reason.