A Promise From My Heart

Chapter Nineteen

YUSUF'S POV

"Amatullah, please talk to me" I begged staring at her.

Amatullah sat on the bed, her legs pulled back and her slim arms wrapped around them securely. She laid her head on her knees wiping away the tears that fell. It hurts so much that she had refused to talk to me since she woke up. What she did was cry silently, her eyes red like blood. I had tried talking to her but it felt as if I was speaking to a statue.

"Amy, I am sorry" I placed a hand on her knee.

Slowly, she raised her head up and pushed my hand away gently. Her action had surprised me. Even though her action had been slow and gentle, it sent a sharp pain through my heart.

"I know I did something wrong and I am sorry. Please just talk to me" I begged desperate to hear her speak.

She moved farther away from me. I got up frustrated. I huffed placing a hand on my waist. I paced the room a bit clearly confused. What's wrong with her? Each day that passed by, it was getting difficult to understand her. I let out a heavy sigh then walked back to the bed and sat beside her.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked her but like every other time, I received no reply. "You are not giving me silent treatment right?" I asked trying not to move closer to her.

Each time I had touched her or moved closer, she backed away as if I was a plague.

"Amy, please talk" I begged staring at her. I watched as fresh tears ran down her dried swollen face.

How will I console her if she does not want me to touch her? How does she expect me to believe she is alright if she refuses to speak? "Amy pl......"

The door opened which caught my attention. I looked up to see my mother in law and Amatullah brothers walk in. I was surprised to see Abdulqayyum. He was back to Nigeria. When? He did not call me to inform me he was coming back. I never felt bad. Maybe he wanted his arrival to be a surprise. My weeping mother in law walked up to us as fast as her legs could carry her. I watched her lips quiver and tears run down her face as she sat on the bed near her daughter.

"Amatullah" she sobbed holding her daughter's face.

Amy wept more not moving as her mother touched her. It felt as if she had no feeling or whatsoever that was going on around her.

"Oko mi" my mother in law wept pulling her into her arms. Her brothers watched silently.

"What is wrong with her?" Nasir asked calmly even though his eyes said something else.

My heart skipped as I gazed at him. He asked me what had gone wrong but I could not lie. Lying would worsen the situation. My heart drummed faster every passing second against my chest. I might just end up with a blow on the face but saying the truth was the best. I narrated everything that had happened, shaking and stuttering in between my words. There was a long silence after my narration. I gazed at my brother in laws, my heart stomping faster. Anger masked Abdulqayyum's face. He looked as if he would throw a blow at me anytime soon but Nasir's eyes said something different.

"Have you gone crazy? You..." Abdulqayyum began to speak and took a step closer to me but Nasir stopped him by holding up a hand in front of him.

I watched Abdulqayyum's eyes blaze with anger, his jaw clenching and his hands fisted to his sides.

"Yusuf, let's talk outside" Nasir said with a calm expression.

Sparing one glance at both my mother in law and wife, I followed him out. My mother in law had stopped holding onto Amatullah. She had sat on the bed, her head buried in her palms as she wept while Amatullah got down from the bed.

"Thank you" he said after the door closed behind us.

I was surprised but I smiled instead of showing my expression.

"For what?"

"You have taken care of my sister so much. No matter what happens, I can't just get angry and throw my fist" Oh, so he wanted to throw a fist at me "Some things are just bound to happen without our will. Thank you very much" he pulled me into a brotherly hug.

I wanted to break down in his chest but I had gulped and pushed back my tears. I had to man up. My throat hurts from the way I tried not to break into tears and my eyes burned so much with tears.

"I might not understand how much it hurts you to see her that way but your love for her I can't deny it is something I have never seen in any man" he said and gave me a friendly pat on my shoulder after our brief hug. "What happened to your forehead?" he pointed at my forehead.

"Well, a little accident just happened" My hand touched the plaster on it.

Doctor Adebayo came out from a ward two doors away from Amy's ward. A nurse and a woman in her mid-fifties followed her. She handed over a file to a nurse. She said something to the woman with her warm smile. The woman held her hand sobbing and smiling. From the way the woman held her, it was easy to tell the woman was thanking her. After exchanging few words, the woman wiped her tears and walked inside then Doctor Adebayo and the nurse walked up to us.

"That's Amatullah's doctor coming our way" I said with a small smile to Nasir.

Nasir who had his back against them turned to see who I was talking about.

"Yusuf" she called with a smile.

"Good evening doctor" I greeted.

"Evening" she answered.

She exchanged a brief greeting with Nasir before turning back to look at me.

"This is Amatullah's brother, Nasir" I introduced Nasir to her placing a hand on his shoulder as I took a step closer. She nodded her head.

"How is my sister doctor?" Nasir spoke.

"I won't say she is getting better but I think we have to hope for the best"

"She is not speaking to anybody since she woke up. She just cries" I said.

"I have seen her this morning and I had met her in the same mood but I won't jump into conclusion but I will assume she is slipping into depression"

The fire of hope that was already dying in me lit up.

"Does that mean she is getting better?"

"I can't say now but I am going to have another session with her now. That determines her health condition. I will advise you not to raise your hopes up" her last words killed the hope rising inside my heart.

"Okay doctor, thank you very much" Nasir said.

"Thank you doctor" I thanked her.

"You are welcome" she replied then walked into the room.

"You have tried a lot for us Yusuf. No matter how much I try to thank you there is just no way to thank you for what you have done for my sister"

"I don't want anyone to repay me. I care so much about her and she is my wife and my responsibility"

"May Allah reward you for whatever good you have done to us"

"Ameen" I replied.

The door opened. Mummy and Abdulqayyum walked out. Mummy kept wiping away her tears with the white handkerchief she held. She blew her running nose. Abdulqayyum guided her, a hand around her back and his other hand on holding her.

"Yusuf, thank you" she said, her voice hoarse from serious crying.

"The doctor said she needs sometime with Amatullah, so we should leave now brother Nasir" Abdulqayyum said giving me a quick look before looking away.

His eyes held anger that was not evident on his face. I knew at that moment I had an apology to do but I could do that on phone. I nodded my head and they walked away.

"We will leave now. We shall come and visit tomorrow. Halimah could not come today. She had to stay with the kids. She promised to visit anytime she is free" he said. Halimah was his wife.

"My regards to her and the kids" I said.

"Assalamu alaikum" he said

"Walaikum salam" I answered and he left.

With a heavy sigh, I slumped into the seat beside me. I was tired as I laid my head on the head rest.

AMATULLAH'S POV

It hurt so much. It hurt like a knife in my heart. He betrayed me. He had shouted at me and told me I was not carrying his baby. He has gone mad and crazy. The way he shouted at me showed me how crazy he has gone. I have refused to believe. He had said I was not pregnant and it had sounded so foreign from his lips. Those words felt like lies. Hearing those words from him made me believe him at the same time. I had not felt my child move in me. I felt so light. There was nothing in my stomach. Why? Why did it happen? Maybe if I had not told mom we should go shopping that day, I would have become a mother. What if I had driven slower that day, maybe I would have my babies in my arms.

If only I had listened to my instincts that day but mom was so eager to be with me. She had wanted to shop for the babies. How she died, I can't remember. I could just remember seeing a car crashing into my car crashing which had become a nightmare. What happened within that period of time? I had lost the memory. I could not just cry anymore. It felt as if my tear gland was empty.

"Amatullah" I heard a very familiar voice that I had despised so much call my name. It belonged to Doctor Adebayo.

The white roses resting at the base of the bed became something so interesting to stare at. He had gotten me them for me. They were so pretty. He knew how much I loved white roses and he never failed to bring white roses every time he visited. Then he betrayed me. He shouted at me. The more I recollected those memories, the more my heart clenched with pain.

"I love him" those words left my lips. I rested my back on the wall opposite my bed, my legs crossed in front of me. "I was happy with him. He was everything I wanted in a man. Allah had answered my prayers and gave him to me" those words left my lips unknowingly.

I was opening up to my doctor. I was finally speaking. The joy she might get from that, I don't know.

"We were a happy couple. I had the best memories in my life with him then we thought we should start a family. He wanted one badly and when we tried, we succeeded. I became pregnant. The smile on his face, the way those beautiful eyes of his had glimmered with joy, I can't forget. How could I forget how he had tendered to me and treated like an egg? I was his princess, his queen, the crown on his head. Every night, he will stroke my stomach even though we knew a soul had not been given to our baby. Then the day came, we went for our first ultrasound and those two heart beats, they still resonate in my ears. He was happy. The light on his face that day had brightened. He had cried. He had held me and thanked me so much. Those days were the happiest days of my life. How can I forget them?" no matter how much those memories hurt so much, tears could not just find my eyes.

"Then when I thought everything was better. When I thought my life was falling into place" I felt anger beginning to develop in my vein. My breathing became uneven. "We lost them. We lost our babies. They left and never came back. If only I had not driven very fast that day. If only I had followed my instincts and refused to go with mom. What if I get back in time, I will prevent these. Why does this have to happen?" I got up. I was shaking. My heart stomped against my chest. My palms became wet.

Keji watched my moves as if I was a suspect. I called my doctor Keji because she had told me to. She said she wanted us to be friends.

"No, no, no, what am I thinking? No, I have not lost that pregnancy. I can feel it. I am pregnant Keji" I walked up to her, my legs trembling.

Keji got up and looked at me, lines creased on her forehead.

"Yes, I am pregnant Keji. I am pregnant. Yusuf is lying!" my voice became louder. "He has gone mad" my voice became harsh. Anger was what I felt. "Keji, I am pregnant. He is crazy" I shouted, tears burned my eyes. "First he brought me here and now, he has gone mad" I screamed, my eyes wide.

I had said I was pregnant but I had not believed them. I had believed Yusuf's words. His words were true. They resonated in my ears

"Just tell me he is lying" I grabbed my doctor's shoulders. "He is lying right?" she gazed at me, her eyes darting with confusion. "Tell me he is lying!" I shook her but I got nothing from her. Then her silence meant something else. Yusuf was saying the truth. I was not pregnant. I had lost them. They had gone and never coming back. My babies! "He is right. I am not pregnant" I voiced out and slipped to the floor.

It was breaking me. My conflicted thoughts broke me. I was not pregnant and it was the truth. Once those tears fell, the ones that followed could not just stop. My heart broke. It shattered and throb like a fresh wound. It kept clenching as if it was been tied by a rope. My babies are gone and never coming back. It was the bitter truth. Why me? Why does it have to happen? I had just few months to hold them and they vanished forever. Accepting reality means I am finally accepting the bitter truth. Keji sat beside me on the floor where I wept.

"I am not going to talk to you as a therapist but as a friend. Amatullah, you don't have to blame yourself for whatever that might have happened to your pregnancy. Some things just happen and we can't stop them. This is just part of life. I know how you feel. I understand you very much. I have witnesses this many times. I had lost eight pregnancies, five miscarriages and three still borns. Those days were bad but I had to just pass through it. It was worse because my husband's family had not made life easy for me and my husband had lost hope in me. He was planning his second marriage when I got pregnant again. I had told him not to marry. He should wait and see if I give birth or not. To his surprise, I passed through that pregnancy stage without complication and gave birth to triplets. After that, the doctor said I should not try to conceive again. But you are lucky. You have a man who is ready to stand by you no matter what happens. Because you have lost one pregnancy does not mean God won't give you another. Everything we go through in life is part of the test God is putting us through. Nothing is easy in this life. It is not easy getting out of this. You need time to get through this. It is a gradual process"

Her words made sense to me. They helped my conflicted thoughts. Slowly, I dipped my hand inside the pocket of my dress and brought out the ultrasound picture. Tears blurred my eyes. A tear dropped on the picture. Feeling very emotional, I pressed the picture to my chest hugging it so tight.

"Amatullah, you are exhausted. You should rest" Keji helped me up and led me to the bed.

I was tired. She was right. I needed rest and I could feel it. I did not protest so I laid down and soon drifted into sleep.