A Promise From My Heart

Chapter Fifteen

"Yusuf, your wife is in denial" Dr Adebayo, a woman in her late thirties with a welcoming personality said looking up from Amatullah's file lying on her table.

"Yes Doctor. I know that. What can we do?" I asked sitting up, placing my hands on the table.

"Her therapy with me needs time. As I have said, there is no improvement but I know she needs time. She does not talk and just stares which is not a good thing at all"

"This denial of a thing, I don't understand. What is it about?" I ask finally letting out my confusion on the whole thing.

"Good" she sat straight. "Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist. In psychology, it is termed as a defense mechanism"

"Defense mechanism?"

"Yes, defense mechanism. For your wife, it is like preventing herself from grieving the loss of her pregnancy. Being in denial, Amatullah is preventing herself from accepting the truth to prevent pain and sorrow. Denial is one of the stages of grief and loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These five stages I have mentioned are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. Looking at your wife Yusuf, she isn't showing any sign of recovery. Amatullah is still in denial and sometimes, she experiences anger. Anger is the necessary stage of the healing process"

"Do you mean she is recovering?" I asked hope building up in me.

"I can't say. She does not want to accept the truth or reality of the event instead, she mask her emotions and express it as anger towards people. That's why she gets angry whenever anyone tells her she is not pregnant and most times she goes back to stage one denial after experiencing anger. It's been more than eight months and at least, she should move from anger to another stage but instead, she goes back to denial"

"And the remaining three stages. Bargaining, depression and acceptance"

"Bargaining is the normal reaction to the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. The patient questions himself or herself. The person would want life the way it was. Such person would want it all to be like a dream he or she wants to wake up from. The patient become lost in a maze of "What if...." or "If only...." statements. Guilt is often bargaining's companion. He or she would bargain with pain. Such person remains in the past trying to negotiate his or her way out of the hurt. After bargaining, the patient's attention move squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves and grief enters one's life on a deeper level, deeper than such person imagine. This is known as depression.

Depression is an appropriate response to a great loss. Two types of depression are associated with grief and loss. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relation to the loss. Sadness and regret predominates this type of depression. This phase maybe eased by simple clarification and reassurance. The second type is more subtle and in a sense, perhaps more private. It is their quiet preparation to finally accept the truth. Sometimes, all they need is comfort.

Acceptance is the stage of accepting the reality about an event. The patient will never like this reality but eventually accept it. He learns to live with it and begin to live again"

That was a whole lot of lecture that sank into my head making me understand Amatullah's condition.

"Thank you, doctor. I really appreciate you explaining this whole thing to me" I said with a smile.

"But Yusuf, not everyone experiences the stages of loss accordingly. Some experience denial, then depression, anger, bargaining and acceptance. Someone in denial does not enter and leave the individual stage in linear way. The person may feel one, then another and back to the first one which Amatullah is presently going through"

"But what do you have to say about the part she thinks she has given birth"

"That is still denial. She is not accepting the truth and wants to make it a reality that she has gotten a baby. Yusuf, asking you to bring her to the hospital to stay does not mean it is compulsory. So far in my career as a psychiatrist, I have treated lots of patients in denial but Amatullah is the one with the slowest recovery. I am not complaining. I am just saying she needs time and she needs to trust me. For me to earn her trust, I want her closer to me. So if she is in the hospital, it would be easier for me to communicate with her. But I am not forcing you to make her live here. I just thought it would be a faster way for her recovery"

"I understand you doctor and I will think about it. Thank you so much for your time" I got up ready to leave.

"Yusuf" Doctor Adebayo called as I headed to the door. "You have a great woman Yusuf and it would be nice and better if she recovers fast" she said with a smile.

"Thank you doctor" I said with a smile and left.

On my way home, I made a conclusion. Whether Amatullah likes it or not, she is going to stay in the hospital.

I walked into our room my mind made up. Amatullah was seated on the bed, her legs folded under her and a book on her lap.

"Yusuf, you came very early today?" She jumped down from the bed happy as usual whenever she sees me and walked to me. She had wanted to hug me but I have pulled away walking past her. I made my way to the wall to wall wardrobe.

"Yusuf, what's wrong? Why are you like this?" She asked walking up to me.

I dropped the box I had picked from the wardrobe and placed it on the bed.

"What are you doing?" She asked clearly confused as she walked to me.

"Amy, you are leaving this house today?" I answered dumping some of her clothes into the box

"What?" she exclaimed frozen to the floor, the colour on her face drained. "Yu....Yusuf, what do you mean?" her voice became small.

"You heard me Amatullah, you are leaving today?" I repeated, taking more clothes from her wardrobe.

"What do you mean? Her small voice shook. "Why?"

"Amatullah, it is for your own good" I replied.

"Yusuf, what have I done?" she held my shoulder "What did I do? Why are you chasing me away?" I looked at her. There were tears in her eyes. "Why do you want to end our marriage?"

"Subhanallah Amatullah, I am not ending our marriage. It is not what you think?" I held her shoulders.

"Then why are you chasing me away from you?" she shouted throwing my hands away, tears falling.

"I am not chasing you away. I am sending you to the hospital"

"Hospital? For what?" she frowned.

"You have to stay there"

"Why?" her tears stopped falling.

"It is for your own good"

"Nothing is wrong with me Yusuf. Nothing at all. I am okay. Why are you sending me to the hospital?" she snapped.

"You leave here today whether you like it or not"

"You can't force me there. I am not going. Of all places to force me to stay, a hospital. A hospital when I am healthy. I am not going anywhere. I am not sick"

"You have to go to the hospital" I let out a frustrated breathe. "To recover"

"I just told you I am not sick. Nothing is wrong with me Yusuf and you can't force me to go to where I don't want to"

"It is for the best"

"For the best? What's wrong with you? Which hospital are you taking me to?"

"A...a psychiatric hospital" I answered finding it hard to say.

"A psychiatric hospital?" she gazed at me with disbelieve. "Are you mad? Because I am not mad"

"Staying in the hospital does not mean you are mad. You need medical attention"

"What are you saying Yusuf? Nothing is wrong with me. I don't have any mental disorder. I am perfectly okay physically, emotionally and mentally. Are you going to take me there with our baby? I am pregnant Yusuf" she shouted anger blazing in her tear filled eyes,

"Forget the baby, Amy" I shouted getting angry.

"I am not going and that is final" she walked away from me to the other side of the room turning her back against me

"Amatullah, please listen to me" I walked up to her.

"I have listened to you enough. First you took me to that woman who called herself a psychiatrist. She speaks words I don't understand and now, you want to take me to a mental asylum to stay with mad people. That is not possible Yusuf. It is not possible" she barked.

"Amatullah, stop this. Stop this. It is for your own good" I walked closer to her.

"I won't live with mad people. Never and I am not mad" she stepped away from me.

Our argument got heated. I shouted, she shouted back. I wanted her to leave and she wanted to stay. Finally, I gave up. Shouting and arguing won't solve anything. I sighed heavily clearly giving up.

"Please Amy, let's stop this argument" I held her.

"Leave me alone" she pushed me away turning her back against me.

"Amatullah, please listen to me" my voice grew softer. I walked up to her then wrapped my hands around her from behind pulling her closer to me. "Please hmm" I kissed her temple.

I felt her tensed body relax under my touch. She sighed heavily relaxing in my arms.

"I don't just get what you are saying, Yusuf" she turned to look at me.

"Please come sit down" I led her to the bed. "You are going to stay in the hospital does not mean I will abandon you neither does it mean you are mad. You just have to stay there for our baby" I said after we sat down, holding her hands to my laps. She looked at me with those pretty eyes, spouting her lips.

"For our baby?" She asked her eyes looking at me. Her eyes showed how my words had soften her.

"Yes, for our baby" I laid a hand on her face and kissed her palms. "You are not mad. You are okay. Perfectly okay as you have said. You have to be there because the doctor wants to do some check up on you. Don't you want to give birth in a very healthy condition?"

"I want to but in a psychiatric hospital. How does giving birth have to do with a psychiatric hospital?"

"For my sake Amy, for our love and unborn child, please stay there. For me. Just know that, whatever I am doing now is for you, just you" I kissed her softly then pulled away stroking her face gently as I looked at her eyes.

She was pretty. Eyes that mesmerized me, a cute nose, puckered lips, and soft heart face. She intoxicated me like an alcohol. She was my everything. The woman I never wanted to lose. Staring into her eyes, I wrapped my hands around her waist pulling her closer then pressed my lips on hers.

I kissed her gently and slowly. Her lips were soft as usual and tasted like vanilla. My heart raced faster. I deepened the kiss and she did the same thing raising all the desires inside me. Her hand went around my neck as she tried pulling me closer. Gently and intoxicatingly, I sucked her lower lips, pulling her closer until our bodies touched. She moaned.

"I love you Amatullah" I rubbed my lips against hers. "I love you that I can't imagine life without you" my voice was husky and low filled with unspoken emotions.

Gently, I lowered her to the bed trailing kisses down her jaw to her slim graceful neck. My hand went down her exposed leg. I ran a hand through it. I felt her tremble under me which gave me great desires "You are beautiful" I trailed kisses back to her jaw. She tasted of different fruits and smells like flower, jasmine and rose.

Unsatisfied, I broke our kiss. Our chest moved up and down. She looked at me, hands on my side. Subhanallah, she looked beautiful with swollen lips.

"Amy, let me love you just one more time before you leave"

"Love me Yusuf. I am all yours" she said then kissed me.

As we drove into the world of passion, I made a decision not to let her leave that day but the next two days. I needed her for a while.