A Promise From My Heart

Chapter Eight

YUSUF'S POV

Pregnant. That was the only word that rang in my fussy head. Noor is pregnant. How? When? Why? My heart raced so fast against my ribs. How could she be pregnant? It is not possible? I had never seen her with any guy. No guy except our cousins and a few friends of her but she still maintained her distance. Did she ever have a boyfriend? Even though she had, she is not foolish to the extent of sleeping with. She kept a very great space between herself and the guys. So how could it be possible?

With shaking hands, I pushed the door to my room. With the feeling of having a crumbled world around me, I staggered into the room. Amatullah was seated on the bed, her back against me. As if she had heard me come in, she turned around her hair swirled in the process. With a soft smile, she walked up to me. She tried laying a hand on me but I walked past her.

"Yusuf" she called, her voice laced with pity. I sat on the bed using a hand to hold the bed post to support my shaking body.

"Amatullah, I feel......I feel....." I stuttered not finding the right word to describe how I felt.

Words were frozen in my burning throat. I could feel my lungs shrinking. I wanted to shout at Noor. I wanted her to know how disappointed we are. I wanted her to see how much pain she has caused us. I wanted her to know how shattered we are. I wanted to ask her how it happened. My eyes burned with unshed tears. I wanted to shout and scold her but I could not do any of those things after hearing what the doctor said. I felt like I have failed my duty as a brother. I felt like I have failed mom.

With mum away, dad becoming silence, Amatullah's disorder, my siblings' responsibility, I had enough to think of but with a new child coming, an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy, I just did not know what to do. I was facing so much pain and an additional problem just worsened it. Tears spilled out against my will. A whole day and I had to deal with a wife in denial and a sister with a foul behaviour and an unwanted pregnancy. The bed slowly dipped beside me. Gently, familiar slim arms went around my shaking body.

"It shall be well In Sha Allah Yusuf. Everything will be okay" Amatullah whispered into my ears.

I hugged her back so tight. I needed comfort. She rubbed my back gently trying to console me. I cried in her arms. I cried out my pain and frustration. I really do not know what to do. I felt so helpless.

The following day which was a Saturday, the day Amatullah was to see her doctor, I decided to take Noor along to register for ante natal and meet a gynaecologist. I walked to her room my heart heavy like a stone. I knocked and entered after hearing a faint come in.

"Noor, Assalamu alaikum" I greeted.

She was seated in front of her dressing mirror holding a tissue paper to her swollen face. I stared at her reflection in the mirror and there was no doubt that she had been crying. Her eyes were swollen and face was red. Noor was my mother's replica from the physical features to the height and light complexion including a little bit of her character. I took my mother's complexion but I was my father's replica. Her nose was pepper red and she kept sniffing trying to stop the running liquid in her nose.

"Leave me alone" her voice weak and coarse making her look fragile as if she would break by just touching her.

"Amatullah and I are going to the hospital. We want you to follow us so you can register for ante natal and see a gynaecologist" I said. She stares at my reflection in the mirror before turning towards me.

"Why are you not scolding or shouting at me?" She asked tears brimming in her eyes.

I said nothing but just look at her. I had to keep my words so I won't hurt her.

"Just get ready, your appointment is by ten" I said and left the room.

Amatullah and I sat in front of the doctor who kept going through her files. I cupped her hand squeezing it gently. She gave me a cheeky grin which I returned with a small smile.

"Doctor, how is my baby?" Amatullah asked moving impatiently on her chair. The doctor looked up giving her a blank and confused look.

"Baby?" he asked looking at me.

"Amy, please go outside and wait for me. I want to say something to the doctor" I turned to her.

"Okay, just be fast" she said and left the office but not without kissing me on the cheek.

"Baby? Yusuf baby? What did you tell her?" he whisper yelled.

"Look Christian, I had to lie to bring her here. I had no choice. If I had told her the truth she won't answer me and she will throw a tantrum"

"How has she been since you left here?"

"Nothing has changed. I think she just got worse. She still thinks she is pregnant." I let out a tired sigh and ran my hand through my hair.

"What about the counselling sections I told you about?"

"She is not mad and you are a psychiatrist yourself" I fisted my hands.

"I mean someone better than me. Not only mad people meet a psychiatrist. Can't you see she needs help? She needs a therapy. She is in denial" he said and I tried reasoning with him.

"And you think it will be easy for me to tell her that. How do you even want me to take her to a psychiatrist without telling her the reason? She might act childish at times but she is also smart. She does not even know about you being a psychiatrist. I had lied to her that you are her gynaecologist"

"You are her husband. You should have your ways"

"What ways? Amatullah is not someone you can fool easily. Didn't you say she needs to be emotionally ready for her pain and grief before she meets a psychiatrist?"

"You are right I said that but we need to do something fast. I will refer you to another doctor. Her name is Doctor Adebayo. I think she will do a better job" He said as began to write something down on a plain sheet.

NOORIE'S POV

Sitting on the built in bench by the window of my room, I looked out at the garden behind my room my back on the wall, my legs pulled up to my chest and my hands on my laps. It was a hot afternoon in the month of April. The flowers in the garden were beautiful and colourful as usual. The tender petals were opened to the sunlights. Mother had loved gardening. It was one of her joys. After her sudden death, I had tried keeping it alive. The tears forming in my eyes fell. I miss her so much.

I had made a terrible mistake. I felt like I have failed my mother. How would she feel if she is alive? She would be broken. She would have cried and yelled. I felt like a failure. A failure in every way. I despised the life growing inside me. I could imagine life without the child. I won't feel any disgrace. I won't feel like I have a stain on me. I would be able to live my dream. Those disdainful looks I had given girls who had been pregnant outside marriage, I won't receive them from people. I would be free from my problems, my disgrace and shame. Seeing the disadvantage of my problem, viewing my problem from the bad side, I came into a conclusion. Wiping away the tears from my face, I walked towards my dressing mirror then picked up the abortion pills that had been lying there for days.