A Promise From My Heart

Chapter Twenty-Six

Looking at him, I could feel myself becoming vulnerable each passing second. I was leaving him very soon and the thought tore me apart deep inside. He gazed at me, his eyes filled with joy and his lip curled up into a smile. My heart had not stop beating since I arrived. I could not help but gaze at him. I won't see him for long. I will be in Kano doing my National Youth Service Corp (NYSC). He will be in the psychiatric hospital taking his treatment. Two different worlds, I thought.

"You are not listening to me Angel" his voice broke my reverie.

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"This is a very nice painting" he said gazing at me.

"Thanks"

"It is beautiful" he looked back at the canvas in his hand.

It was my personality that had prevented me from blushing. No one had ever called my painting beautiful and hearing it from him, made my drumming heart race faster. The painting was my final gift to him before I leave for Kano. It was a lake in the middle of a forest with the sun beating down on it spreading its warmth and adding a certain glow to the forest.

"It just feels alive as I stare at it" he said laughing.

"I am leaving for Kano soon" I finally said what was bothering me.

He seized laughing. His smile disappeared like a vapour.

"You are kidding right?" His eyes held doubt.

"No Amir. I am leaving" I got up from the built in bench where we sat to stare at the garden below. Bile rose up my throat, sudden gush of tears filled my eyes.

His countenance changed into something I have never seen on him. Was it anger or disappointment? I could not figure it out.

"You are also leaving" he said, his voice shaking as he got up. "Just like them" he tried to be steady on his shaking legs.

"No Amir. It is just for a year. I am going for my NYSC. I will come home whenever I can. I will visit you" I talked very fast trying not to stutter seeing the anger flashing in his eyes, the tears in my eyes were at the brim almost falling.

I told myself I won't cry in front of him. I am not crying for him, I told myself. Trying to hold back my tears which made my heart clench more. It hurts more than a knife in my chest. It made it hard for me to breathe. I asked myself why I felt so feeble and in pain. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to spend every single minute with him. He had stolen my sleep. I have found myself smiling by just thinking about him. This feeling was not ordinary. It was something great that gives joy and pain.

"When will you come back?" He looked away.

I thought I saw tears and pain in his eyes. We have not known each other for six months and here we are today with the pain of falling apart and living in different places.

"I will come home for Eid"

"Do you have to go? Do you have to leave me for such a long time?" He asked looking back at me. The anger clouding his eyes made my pulse beat louder in my burning ears.

"Amir" I called with a nervous laugh. "I might be far away but we will converse on the phone. We shall have tons of video calls. I might be far but still close" I said trying to assure him as I took very careful steps towards him. "I will try to visit often and...."

"Keep quiet Noor! Keep quiet!!" He shouted shutting me up.

I had shaken like a leaf dancing to a very big storm. Chills ran down my body at his outburst. My breathing hitched. My heart raced very fast due to fear. I began to shake but tried very hard to hide my fear which I failed miserably at.

"You are leaving and it felt like no big deal to you. You are going far but yet you are trying hard to make me think you are close" he shouted. "Do you know how much that is tearing me apart inside?" he slapped his chest. "The fact you are leaving is hurting me. I get so much joy when I see you. I was lost then you came from nowhere like an angel. You stayed with me and made me believe I could live again. You tried restoring my health. You made me laugh. You gave me back my smile then you are leaving" he barked tears filling his eyes.

I knew I was dying inside. I could not stop shaking as I tried to breathe in and out filling my contracting lungs. His words touched my heart. I was hurting so bad. Why is this happening?

"I knew there was something between us, something we both are aware of. I tried telling myself what I was feeling was nonsense. I wanted to spend every second with you. Those times you came to visit I tried to cherish those moments with you" lone tears fell, he began to turn red. Even though he was shouting, his words were sinking into me "I agreed to get over my trauma just for you. What I feel for you I have never felt for anyone. I wanted to make you happy. Most times I thought of you, I could not help my heart that stud or stop the smile that form on my face. Instead of having nightmares, you began to steal my dreams. I asked myself what was this?" More tears fell "Then it began to make sense" his voice became low "I knew I was falling for you. I was falling in love with you. I love you. I love you and you are leaving" he shouted, the veins in his head were evident. He was weeping. He was hurting. "That day I pushed you away, I dreaded myself"

I closed my eyes and sighed. Two lone tears fell against my wish. I love you resonated in my ears. So that was what I was feeling for him. Love? It was love I felt for him. I opened my eyes but he was no longer standing in front of me instead he was seating on the bed, his face buried in his hand weeping. He was weeping for me. I wiped my tears and walked to him. If one person stays weak, another have to stay strong. That is the only way we can solve what's happening and I chose to be strong.

"Amir" I crouched in front of him. I swallowed the bile rising in my throat. I tried to think about what to say but my brain felt so fuzzy. My head spun with images of what had just happened. I wanted to speak but my words were frozen in my dry throat. Looking at him weeping was harder. I felt hopeless. "I don't know what to say. I really don't know but please stop crying. It's hurting me. Just stop crying please" My voice was tiny and inaudible. Unable to bear him cry, I rose to my feet.

I walked towards the window where I stared into space trying had to prevent my eyes from spilling. I don't know how long I stood there. Maybe ten minutes, thirty minutes an hour or more. It just felt very long.

"You are leaving right?" he finally spoke, his voice rough. "I will still be here" his quiet footsteps approached me. My lungs contracted. "You will be trying to make a life" he came closer. "I will try to get better" I finally felt his presence beside me. "It hurts so badly to know you are leaving. Do you know why?" I turned to look at him. My breath hitched. How can his eyes be so charming and beautiful with tears in them "Because I want you forever. I want to have a life with you" his words made sense.

I told my fuzzy brain it can't be leading to what I was thinking. He is crazy, I told myself. He is really crazy. He is locked up in the psychiatric hospital and does not know when he will come out and he is telling me he wants me forever. That's just not right. It does not make sense.

"When you come back, I will be okay In Sha Allah. I will begin a new life. I want that life to also begin with you" he took a step closer. I tried not to move back. He looked at me, his lips curled up. "Marry me Noor" it felt like I had been hit by a rock. "Marry me and be my wife" he said.

No words found my lips. It felt as though my tongue had been cut. My brain felt so empty. A sudden headache set in. This can't be happening? I told myself. It felt like a dream. A dream I wanted to wake up from.

"Amir, I...."

"You don't need to reply now" he cut me off "You can think about it. Have this?" he stretched out his hand. I looked at his hand, a gold ring with diamond stones stood in between his fingers. "It was my mother's and I want to give it to you. If your answer is positive, wear it whenever you visit next" he opened my hand and placed it in it. "I love you Angel. Always remember that" he turned and left for the bathroom.

I stood in the quiet room, my limbs stiff as I tried to move them. I felt as if my body system had shut down. My body trembled. My breathing came out heavier than usual. I moved slowly towards the door taking my purse from the built in bench. No matter how much I tried to walk fast, my limbs felt so slow. Tears brimmed in my eyes. I tried to breathe in and out trying to fill my compressing lungs. I laid a shaking hand on the door frame as I walked out then turned to look at the empty room behind me. My heart felt as if a rope had been wrapped around it getting tighter every passing second. It tore me apart breaking into tiny pieces. We can't separate like this. I wanted to go back inside and speak to him but my feet moved forwards. The more I tried holding back my tears. I choked feeling as if someone was strangling me. Every second it took me to get to my car I choked more, my eyes almost leaking.

When my back hit the seat of my car, a tear broke free. Once that tear fell, the rest followed in an endless stream. I found my voice when a painful shout escaped my trembling lips. I cried out.

My head fell back on the head rest as more tears rolled down followed by my shout. It pains so badly. My heart kept dropping every second. I slapped my hurting chest, my other hand held the material of my dress. I felt as if I had daggers inside my back. It hurts more than any pain I had felt. The passenger door yanked open by my side which made me very conscious. My cries stopped when Brother Yusuf settled down in the seat beside me. I scrambled using shaking hands to wipe my tears as if I had been caught in a bad act.

"Why are you crying?" he asked.

"I am not crying" I cleaned my face, my voice tiny and strained "Something got into my eyes" I looked away nervously.

"Your eyes are blood red. I can see your nose the same colour including your face. You don't need to lie to me Noor" he turned to look at me. I avoided his steady gaze.

"What are you doing here?"

"I should ask you the same thing"

"It is none of your business" I tried sounding harsh but my strained voice betrayed me.

"You are not going to tell me right. You are not going to finally accept the fact that you love him and you want him as much as he does" he shouted slamming his hand on the air dent.

I felt my heart in my mouth, my eyes shut automatically as I jumped in my seat.

"You are a mess Noorie, a big mess right now. Have you look at yourself in the mirror? Physically and emotionally you are broken. No matter how much you hide this, you know you love him so much. Why can't you admit it?" he grabbed my arm.

"Yes, Yes, Yes, I love him" I yanked my hand away from his firm grip "I love him so much it hurts leaving him" I shouted breaking down. "I can't do without him. I am crying because I feel helpless, angry and broken. I want to be with him but so much is preventing me. Will you accept him? Am I ready to love him as much as he loves me? Those questions spun my head. I love him so badly" I broke down screaming.

Brother Yusuf gazed at me not surprised but a small smile played on his lips.

"He had asked me to marry him and I don't have an answer. He wants me to be with him" I shoved the ring on his face. "But I don't know if I want to. He is still in there and I don't know when he will be back"

I screamed my lungs out. I wept like I have never done. The door opened again and again the seat was empty beside me. Brother Yusuf left me to drown in my pain, cry to my satisfaction and figure out what I wanted.