Hiraeth

Chapter Fifteen

I wish that Wade was here. I know he'll be there for me in times like this. Wade will calm me like he always does and will listen to my rant and get me to places where I can scream the hell out of me. I need him. I feel like I'm losing myself to Captain Arkean's revelation about my father and his fate in this world.

When I come here, it's like the Bermuda Triangle has promised me another life. I've always known in my heart that there's a portal. Not everyone knows about it, or they don't want to believe it because they've kept it in their minds that it's only for kids and a few curious adults like me, thus a mere fiction. When my mother told me to go here and search for my father, I've never insisted not to. I've followed what she's said, uncertain of what my fate would be—if it's like fathers.

How funny is it when the reason my father wants to come back here after saying goodbye to his family is also the reason for his tragic demise?

I've never thought of him dying. What I've expected is that he's here, and I need to find him by all means.

“Why are you saying this to me right now?” I yell. “You met me days ago! Why now?”

If he's annoyed by how loud I yell, he does an excellent job of hiding it. “I'm not sure yet.”

B*llsh*t! “You should have told me earlier!”

He takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm as much as possible. I also want to. I want to f*cking calm down because it will do no good, but I don't think I can. It's beyond my control, so I let the anger out that I should have directed to my father.

“What's the difference, Ms. Polaris?”

I sit back in my chair, shocked and upset about how things turn out. Also, I feel embarrassed that I've reacted that I don't know what to answer.

What's the difference if captain Arkean has told it to me as soon as we've met and right now? It's all the same. I'm still hurt and disappointed.

Maybe what I want to say is to not tell it to me forever and keep me believing that my father is still here and waiting for me or mom to find him. Maybe then I won't get this hurt. Perhaps I won't want to run away again because I feel suffocated.

I still can't believe that the person who killed my father is related to this man in front of me. That means one thing. He'll kill me. Captain Arkean knows my secret and the portal. I don't know if I can trust him, or I need to watch my back and see when the next lunar eclipse will happen, so I have time to hide and put his vicious plan in vain.

“And you're going to kill me because you want to go to another world?” I ask, so direct that Captain Arkean looks at me in disbelief for a while until he replaces it with his calm expression, almost devoid of expression. “Am I right, yes? So that's why you buy me?”

If so, I want to run somewhere where I can scream.

“Ye misunderstood it, Ms. Polaris,” he tries to explain. “I let ye go back again as an apology to my father. And I don't want to go to yer world. Sailing the ocean is my calling.”

Still, I am not sure. People can lie now without batting their eyelashes. “How would I know if you're telling the truth?”

“Stay here, and ye'll know.”

“Do you mean to stay here so you'll gain my trust and then kill me?” I raise my brow. “You've said the killing part is only effective every lunar eclipse. That's why you're keeping me here, so when the lunar eclipse comes, it's convenient for you to kill me.”

“Smart plan, Ms. Polaris. But what I've said, I don't wish to go to another world.”

I don't know. It seems like the captain is telling the truth. If he's lying, he sure is a great actor.

“I don't know what to do,” I admit and slump back on the chair. I rest my head on the table.

“Yer not supposed to know everything.”

“I don't know if you're just kind or manipulating me. You even said I'll stay, but your men voted me out of your ship.”

I see it with my own eyes. Most of them have decided that I'll stay here for a while and leave after we reach Port Royal, which is what happens. Even if they have got what they want, it's clear on their faces that they want to get rid of me faster. I can only count on my fingers the ones who vote for me to stay in exchange for me working here. I remember one of them was Captain Arkean.

So he does find me familiar? That's why he has voted for me to stay here so he would know me more and to make sure of his claims.

But what happens now? The other pirates won't want me here. Even if their captain lets me stay, for sure, they'll oppose. Democracy, as they have said.

“My men aren't what ye think they are.”

I raise my brow even more, even if it creeps me out how Captain Arkean reads what's inside my mind. “How exactly? I know they're a bunch of troublemakers.”

“They've seen ye get chased by The Ax's men. When they have a target, he won't leave ye alone,” he explains. “They still remember what ye have said, Ms. Polaris. If their loved ones are in the same situation as ye, they won't want it. The majority requests a re-vote.”

So, all those times that I'm running for my life, they've witnessed it. They pity me. They don't want my fate to happen to their loved ones. That's why they have a change of mind. Do I misjudge them? I think that they are just pirates who steal and kill. What I don't know is that they also have someone they want to protect and don't want to see them in a dire situation like mine.

“And now I'm going to stay here?” I ask him to make sure.

“Yes, if you would like.”

What if I don't like it, but I don't have a choice but to stay? It is not a reasonable choice to still stay here even if someone already knows I'm not from here and even knows the way to enter my world.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I'm kind.”

I laugh bitterly. “B*llsh*t. You said it yourself that your father took my father. I wonder if this is what he heard when your father says he's kind.”

“Listen, child.”

And now he's calling me child. I'm twenty-five years old, for Pete's sake!

“Don't give the son the sins of the father.”

I take a deep sigh.

I understand. Captain Arkean's father has done to my father is unforgivable, but it's not his fault. He's not twenty-four hours around his father to know what he is planning. But I want to f*cking blame someone! His father is not here because he's in my world, but Captain Arkean is here, and he's the closest related to the person who killed my father.

“If let's say I'll stay here, how can I make sure I'll survive?” I ask with simple directness. “If you don't want to leave this world, how about the others? I'm sure as h*ll you don't know every single one of them. I'm talking about their desires.”

There's no way he will know everything about his crews. Everyone has a hidden desire.

“That, my child, is yer problem.”

Wow! He sure makes me feel better.

“Don't make them know yer not from here,” he continues, as serious as he can be. It means that even he isn't sure that when some crew members know that I'm not from here, they will not harm me.

For my mouth, which I won't be able to control always, I'm anxious about what will happen to me.

“Who also knows this?”

I'm not sure yet if it's only him that knows I'm not from here. Knowing that someone already knows my secret makes me anxious. What will it be if I find out that there's more?

Captain Arkean sighs. “Storm.”

What the f*ck!

“He'll kill me!” I can't stop myself from saying it out loud. That snob man is the type of person I wouldn't want to mess with or assume that we can be friends. He seems so mysterious and distant that I will never know what he's planning. Who knows he wants to take over my place in the world I come in? What if he doesn't like this place and is curious about the other world, just how interested I am in their world?

“He loves the adventure this world brings.” He sighs again. “Ye'll understand my son when ye two get closer.”

“Hold on!” I raise my palm in front of his face. “Your son?”

I can't believe it. So that's why Storm acts that way because he's sure he'll never get punishment. After all, he's the son of the captain. Parents also punish their children, so I'm not sure if it's the reason. What I'm sure about is he's a jerk.

And as if Storm and I will be friends. I'll agree if he says enemy instead.

“I have two great sons.” He smiles, but after a few seconds, his smile fades. “Ye have met the second one first.”

Huh? As much as I remember, I first met Death, and then the next was Storm. Though it's weird because Death features are not like them.

“You mean Death?” I ask to make sure. Maybe Death and Storm have different mothers. It's also possible that they differ from their father.

I'm almost sure about it, but then he shakes his head, a sad smile creeps on his lips.

“Anyway,” he says and gets up before I can ask who's who. “I can guarantee yer safety in this place as long as ye'll stay low profile.”

I understand the assignment. I'll try my best to ensure that no more people know my secret.

“Wait!” I stop him from turning back at me. “I have something to tell you. Sit down, please. It is important.”

His brows furrow, but he goes back to his seat. I clear my throat to empty the invisible lump in my throat.

“I have a friend,” I start. “I lost him when we entered the portal.”

His eyes widen, but I think I only imagine it because it changes in a flash.

“I don't know where he is,” I continue. “I'm worried. He might not know what to do to leave this world. Please help me. We entered this place, so we'll leave together.”

“I'll do by all means to find your friend,” he says, which makes me feel slightly better. As much as I want not to believe whatever he says, I can't take it but to hold on. “Meet Old Sammy and describe to him the appearance of your friend.”

“There's no need. Just give me papers, and I'll draw it.”

It has become a convenient talent for me to draw as a conspiracy theorist.

“Oh,” I yelp when I see a vintage A5 notebook that has a brown leather cover. It has a makeshift lock, like a necklace with an anchor. “Can I also take this?”

Captain Arkean nods. I immediately untie it and assess the pages. It's a good thing that he hasn't written it yet. Somehow, I almost forget about my father's life. But when it comes rushing back to me, I feel the uneasiness growing. Maybe I can still get a hold of myself because Captain Arkean is still here.

After a moment, the captain gives me a paper and a pen. I guess it's my cue to leave.

“Thank you,” I say and start walking but then stop when Captain Arkean calls me.

“Do not forget,” he says, “Life goes on. If ye stop just because someone disappears or stopped living, life will become meaningless.”

At first, I don't know what he means, but as I contemplate what he has said, it's something to do with my friend and my father. He's saying my life can continue without them.

My hand shakes as I turn around to look at him. I can feel my cheeks hot.

“Don't tell me that as if you know everything about me! If you believe that, then it is what it is. But those people who you've told me not to stop my life even if they're gone, they are a part of me. When a part is gone, it's not whole. If you can live life like that, I won't.”

“Everything happens for a reason, child.”

“B*llsh*t! I have heard that many times already. So, what reason could it be, huh?”

“For ye to meet other people who make ye see the world differently.” He smiled. “Child, keep this in yer heart that when ye focus on what ye've lost, ye will lose everything.”

“Smell the salty wind, dance with the rhythm of waves, and let the sea set ye free,” he continues.

What he says seems promising to me, and I hate myself for believing that. How can I be free when Wade, my best friend, is not with me to enjoy this kind of freedom? I won't be a selfish-but-gorgeous woman who will enjoy adventures knowing my friend is still in danger. I won't give up on searching for him. I'll be in extreme guilt if he's dead only because he joins me in my madness, in my lust for adventures.

I don't know when I get out of Captain Arkean's cabin, but I find myself walking, head hangs low, to my cabin. At the lower deck.

I meet Death when I turn to the left aisle. I only glance at him and continue walking.

“Hey!”

I ignore and pass him. I'm not in the mood to deal with him. I have many things running inside my head that I can't even know what's the first one to think of, making me not think about it after all.

“Yo?”

“I want to sleep,” I say in a monotonous voice.

“With me?”

I roll my eyes even if I know he doesn't see it.

“Yes, so when you're asleep, I can kill you.”

“Oh, oh, scary.”

“Shut up!”

I continue walking until I reach my cabin. Death still follows me. When I open the door, I turn at him and look him directly in the eyes.

“Do you realize that I'm joking when I say I want to sleep with you?” I say calmly. I need to calm myself because I'm too exhausted even to shout.

He laughs. “Aye!”

“Then leave!”

F*cking calm down! Why would I stop myself from shouting when this guy right here deserves all the shouts and spit?

“Okay! Chill!” he jokingly says with his two fingers in a circle. “Just making sure you'll not enter my room.”

“What?”

He points the opposite to mine.

“The f*ck!”

He laughs and waves me goodbye.