Hiraeth

Chapter Two

“You sure you’ll go alone?” Wade asks for the nth time. He comes with me even if I’ve already told him not to, but now I insist I enter my mother’s room alone.

I’m sure as hell, okay?” I pretend I’m annoyed when in fact, I’m scared. Scared to the point that I wanted to run away to wherever place my feet will take me.

“Okay,” he answers. “But I’ll wait here.”

I can’t agree more, so I let him do whatever he wants.

I look at Wade one more time to assess If he’ll be okay here, outside. We’re both wet, and he might catch a fever. Although it isn’t dripping, patients who’ve gone back to their rooms with their nurses look at us whenever they see us. It’s a sunny day. It’s weird to see two people wet. Even the patients in this mental asylum think we are crazy—the irony.

Wade flashes his contagious smile. I smile back and take a deep breath as I enter the mental asylum and walk down the hallway. It’s eerie quiet here. Patients are in their respective rooms, and the visiting hour will end any minute from now. I’m the only exception because they are the one who calls me here even if I want to go here in the first place.

My heart beats faster than its normal heartbeat as I get closer to my mom’s room. I also see two nurses, both man and woman, outside the door. When they recognize me, they both smile at me. I look past their shoulders and forget to smile back. They stand in front of the door, and I can’t get in.

“Your mother wants to talk to you,” the man says, revealing his uneasy smile. He has these dark eye bags that almost cover her eyes. His trembling right-hand reaches for my shoulder. “She wants to talk to you,” he repeats as if I haven’t heard what he just said. “Alone. We want to come with you, but your mother only wants you. We can’t guarantee you’re safe inside. Your mother has been so violent these past days.”

That adds more to the growing fear I feel. I’m partly afraid and partly angry. My mother won’t be like this if they haven’t put her here and give her medicines that in the first place she doesn’t need. If I wasn’t a child at that time, I might have been able to stop them from taking my mother.

“Know that we are here. Shout if you need help,” he continues.

The woman never says a word but flashes her sympathetic smile. When they step aside, that’s the cue that I can enter the room. It’s dim and eerie quiet inside. The only noise I hear is my heart beating, the rusty door when I push it inside, and my controlled footsteps. There. My mother’s back is facing me. Her wild, curly hair sways because of the gentle wind coming from the opened door. She has her eyes on the moon that glows faintly above. I close our distance. Now I’m beside her. She still hasn’t said a word because she’s focused on the moon above.

The woman I imagine when I get here is far from the woman beside me. I’ve thought she would attack right after I’ve entered. That’s what the nurse outside seems to mean that they can’t guarantee my safety because they’ve also thought about it. However, my mother is calm. So calm that I am more afraid because this might be what the phrase “the calm before the storm” means.

“Mom,” I call, biting my lips after. I’m also preparing to run now. I’ll run the first sign of violence.

I almost slap my face when a sudden thought enters my mind. What the fuckI’m doing? Why am I afraid of my mother? The f**k!She’s my mother! She has been referred to as psycho by the whole world. Why am I becoming like the people who create that title? She’ll never hurt me because she loves me—I love her.

So, I’ve sat beside her and start caressing her hair. My hands are still trembling, though.

I’m here,” I say again.

It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” this time, she talks. Her eyes are still on the moon. “Your father once told me to sit and focus on the beautiful things that everyone often misses. Things we think will always be there may suddenly disappear. That’s when we realize its value and beauty.”

“The moon is indeed beautiful, mom,” I agree. I stop caressing her hair and admire the moon instead. Its faint glow beautifully shines on us. Lots of people may miss this because they’re busy, tired, or they don’t care. They’ll only realize that there’s a moon they have taken for granted their whole life when it’s gone.

There’s a lunar eclipse this May 26, Ris!” she says, beaming. She clasps my shoulder. I shudder but slowly relax when I see her radiant smile.

“You want to watch it?” I ask her, mirroring her excitement because I am indeed excited. Maybe mom wants me to take her away from this hell-like place.

My smile falls when her shoulder drops and her smile fades. Her face now is devoid of expression, just like earlier. With her shoulders slump, she reaches for something on the small table next to her. It’s a customize mini calendar that has a faint-colored pirate’s ship painting as a background. One thing that has caught my attention when my mother has faced it was the number 26 encircled with red. I can tell it’s harshly circled repeatedly by the person who’s done it, which is, I’m sure, is mom.

“What’s that, Mom?” I ask. There’s a hope surge in me. It might be the day she’ll finally ask me to get her out in this asylum. I can provide our daily necessities. I may not have a regular job, but I have savings that will let us survive for years.

Mother looks at the calendar, then at me. Her eyes’ so serious. I let my eyes wander around her face. She has dark eyebags around her eyes. Pale complexion. Angular face. It’s like I’m seeing someone that’s not my mother.

There’s an appearance of the lunar eclipse that day,” she says, almost a whisper. “Find your father.”

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and exhale it after.

Father. I must find him. That’s what I’m doing. I spend most of my time searching for my father and collecting information about the place that he’s seen for the last time. Even if I can’t travel around the world like my mother did because I can’t leave her, I’m trying my best to connect to the survivors that safely pass through Bermuda. But when I say Bermuda triangle is a portal, or they’ll ask me who I am, they’ll drop the call. They know me because of my mother. Some don’t want to relieve their traumatic experiences in that place. Some don’t want to get involved in my craziness. They have enough with my mother’s.

Sometimes I think what I’m doing is a waste of time. But I remember my mother’s well-being. Maybe if I find father, she’ll be back at her normal state. The one I miss the most.

“The gates will open again,” she continues. I force myself to focus and not let my mind wander. I might miss something important.

“What gates, Mo—” “Hurry up,” she shouts.

I scramble to my feet and fall directly to the floor. Mom dashes towards me, her raging eyes not leaving mine. I’ve shut my eyes when I thought she’d do something, maybe strangle me to death, I don’t know, but I feel her warm, bony hands instead, caressing my arms. I open my left eye. She’s sitting beside me.

I’m so—sorry, Ris! Mom is sorry,” she apologizes. Her raging eyes earlier turn into a gentle and apologetic one.

I gulp.

She changes her emotions too fast. That scares me the most.

I get back on my feet. I can still feel my legs and hands trembling. My mother also stands up.

“Mom, please, take asleep now,” I barely say. My eyes are now on the door that is, maybe, five big steps away from me. The fear I first feel rushes through me. My body is shaking. When I see mom looking at my trembling hands, I hide them at my back and conceal the growing fear with an uneasy smile.

“Are you afraid of me?” mom asks and blinks once, twice, thrice. “Are you, Ris?”

She keeps on asking if I’m afraid of her. If she doesn’t stop, I’ll run away because I’m indeed f*****g terrified! She’s not like this. I want my mom back!

“Mom is not scary,” she says in a soothing tone and closes our distance, so we are now facing each other. I bite my lower lip as she reaches for my face and squeezes her eyes shut. When she opens it, I shudder. Her tears run down her cheeks.

“Mo—Mom,” I stutter.

My mom’s so weird. It’s the first time I have seen her acting like this. Calm. Angry. Sad. It’s too many emotions in a short span.

Right now, I’m much desperate to find my father. Five years, yes. Five years since he’s gone, but I believe I can find him. My mother needs him. Mom’s acting like this because of him.

“Mom!” I shout when she pushes me. Good thing I manage to gain my balance back. Her eyes are bloodshot now. She’s walking back and forth.

You’re running out of time!” she shouts. She chews her nails, eyes darting everywhere.

The tears threatening to escape earlier finally fall. I want to hug her, but then, I want to run away and call some help.

My mother is not herself anymore. I am f*****g sure! So sure when she shouts unintelligible words. Finally, the two nurses outside come inside but eventually get out when mom throws things at them. I brace myself for anything that she’ll throw at me, but when the nurses are gone, she calms down and faces me again.

“Polaris!” she calls, “Leave now! It will close again.”

“Do you mean the gates in this asylum, Mom?” I still ask even if I want to run now. “I-I can visit here 24 hours. It’s okay.”

“No, no, no!” She shoves the calendar to me. Devil’s triangle! On this day! Go!”

“Mom!” I cry. “Please, please! Calm down!”

“Find my sister!” she continues, drops of sweat bead on her forehead. “You need her to come back!”I’m at a loss for words. My mom doesn’t have a sister and a family here!

I don’t know how I get out in that room. I’m just following my feet, and it leads me outside. I badly need to run away and scream out loud. So, I run away.

Run. I keep on running. I can’t scream. I can’t breathe.

“Ris!”

I fall into the cold alley, drag my feet close to my chest, and hug myself. I cry without making sounds.

I want to scream.

“Ris, hey!”It’s Wade.

I inhale and exhale. I do it a few times until my breathing becomes close to normal.

“What happened?” Wade asks as he guides me to the nearest bench.

I don’t look up, and I might see judgemental eyes. It’s too much to handle. Though, I know if there are people who see me running, it’s just the nurse. Maybe they’ll think I’m crazy, and then they’ll put me here! I’m suddenly anxious, and it makes me want to leave this place.

So, I dare to look at Wade’s eyes. Let’s go somewhere! Away from this place, please,” I say in a small panicky voice.

Wade nods.

I find myself inside his car again. My palms are still shaking, and I clench them. I lightly punch my legs, but it doesn’t stop the trembling.

Wade drives without saying a word. I silently thank them because right now, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to breathe, to scream.

It seems like Wade reads my mind when he stops his car meters away from the cliff.

“You wanna scream tonight?” he asks.

“Who wouldn’t want to?” I manage to say.

I immediately hop outside the car and let the wind slaps me. The wind here blows so strong that my clothes snap violently against my skin.

“Scream,” Wade says. “Just don’t jump.”

I use all my remaining energy and voice to scream. I let out all the voices. They freely leave. Their echoes sound like a piece of music to my ears.

If there’s something happens that makes me upset, I don’t hold it in. I scream it out loud so that I don’t have any wounds left inside me.

I can feel now my vocal cords tightening. My voice is slowly fading. I hit my limit, and it feels so good. I can feel like I can now think clearly.

I sit on the ground. Wade does it also. We both sit beside each other. Our back is on the car. Silence comforts us both while the moon still shines faintly above.

Let’s run away,” I finally say. It’s funny how this word left inside my mouth is the same as Wade’s. “I know a place.”

“Where?” he asks, voice is breathy. It’s like he’s just asking it for the sake of breaking the silence that follows after I speak.

I look at him, then back to the moon. “I mean, I don’t exactly know or hundred percent sure that this place is true.”

But there’s no way I can prove that place is actual if I won’t see it by myself. I don’t want to live my whole life not so sure about my claims. But should I involve Wade in my, like others’ terms, craziness or obsessions? Or whatever? I don’t know. I want to bring him.

“Just say it, Ris.”

And so I did.

“The other world.”