Surviving Gangster's Love

This is All I Want, For Today

My s****l orientation was a matter of mystery to myself for the longest time. In my early teens, when the other kids started behaving their gender, I had a hard time conforming to the check boxes of femininity. I stuck to my large sized t-shirts and baggy bermudas throughout my early teens. Others called me 'the Tom Boy' and I had no problems with the label. It seemed to fit my style sense at that point. When most girls were dating boys in high school, I felt more comfortable with the bunch of kids who were not so sure about their preferences, so everyone told me I was queer. Later, in college, I started liking all things feminine, but there was still some tom-boyishness about me. My roommate told me I had androgynous aesthetics and I felt it fit. I tried dating in college but it never worked. I was too disinterested in the talks and realized quickly I had no interest in people.

Sex always had me curious though, so I tried going out with people who were interested in just s*x, but it never reached beyond making out. Intimacy felt bland to me. Katy told me I might be a lesbian, since I never felt anything while kissing boys. So I kissed girls, but I did not find it any different from kissing boys. Finally, we settled on my being an asexual.

My parents had made it very clear that they wanted to see me married at some point. There was no point sitting through dates that they were going to arrange for me for the next several years. Marrying early was the only suitable choice, it was not like I had to explore more of a s*x life and then settle down. Marrying at the age of twenty-three seemed perfectly normal to me. I knew I was never getting into any romantic relationship with the disinterest I had in people, plus there were not many agreeable asexuals out there. But there was something about Mr Xi. It made me question if I really was an asexual.

I used to dislike good-looking guys because of the narcissism most of them carried around, but their looks never had any effect on me. In the case of Mr Xi, though, I felt something squirming in my belly every time he was near. I wanted to believe it was fear. And only fear. Not some weird s****l tension or something, I was not supposed to feel that, that too for a Mafia boss who was apparently wanting to get into my pants, as it seemed. When he said that he wanted me to repay him in place of Austin, and that he was interested in me, it was clear as day that he wanted to have some sort of a s****l relationship with me. I was sitting in a daze in his room when he was gone after dropping the bomb on me.

What was I supposed to do? Katy might have been able to come up with something. I was confused about what exactly he wanted from me. If he wanted to sleep with me once, I was up for it. Do it and end things. I had deadlines to meet and my own life to live. This whole fiasco was so disruptive. He had pulled my life upside down. I was cursing the day I met Austin and hating Katy for introducing us. If anything, I knew I had to make sure to get away from this Mr Xi as soon as possible. He was doing something with my head. I had never felt conscious of a man, but with him I would get all tangled up in the head. Thinking of Katy reminded me that I had told her about my situation last night. I wondered if she could help me in someway. Is she going to report me missing? I was worried that it would make her the target of these people. It was all so stressful. Even if I had made it to the subway and managed to run off to some suburban area the night before, I would have to return someday. I had to make sure to keep my family and friends away from this mess. I kept thinking all day and by the evening, I had made up my mind. There was nothing to decide on really. I think he had left me alone to get in terms with the facts instead of deciding on anything. It was already clear that I had just one option, and that was to entertain this man's wishes, whatever they were, and get on with it. I wanted it to end as soon as possible.

When a person bought food for me in the evening, I asked her to inform Mr Xi that I wanted to talk to him. The maid came back later on to tell me that he was busy at the moment but would come to meet me later in the night. I could barely eat anything because of the stress. I was fidgeting after dinner, walking around the room. I waited and waited until I started feeling sleepy. I was half asleep, sitting up on the corner of the bed, when he finally returned to his room. It must have been way past midnight. I woke up with a start when I felt something on my face. He was sitting next to me, stroking my cheeks gently. The lights in the room were dim and I could not see his expression. My vision was also a little blurry because I had woken up just then. I could only see his silhouette sitting next to me, then suddenly, an urge to curl into a ball in his arms seized me. I was not even fully awake. I don't remember what exactly led to it. Maybe I touched his hands on my cheeks, maybe I scooted over to him, or maybe he came closer to me. All I remember is that we were kissing.

It was very slow and gentle initially, almost like licking and biting into an ice cream. Small, small movements, but kept intensifying gradually. To the point that I had both my upper and lower lips in his mouth at one moment and the next moment my tongue was a prisoner in his mouth. I could smell the mint in his breath and on his tongue. We were going in and out of each other's lips at a rhythm to which our upper bodies were moving in sync. I could feel his firm chest under his dress shirt, under my hands, and his fast beating heart. His fingers were snaking into my scalp and pulling at my hair, pulling my face closer to his. His other hand was holding my face and I felt as if he was everywhere. His presence ingulfing me completley. I had to pull myself away when I started feeling breathless.

We were both breathing heavily sitting on his bed. I was wide awake at that point. I couldn't understand what just happened. Was it a kiss just now? I was sitting there numb, easing into normal breathing.

"What was it that you wanted to talk about?" Mr Xi said, his breathing was still ragged.

"I wanted to know what exactly it is that you want from me. I know I don't have any options but I would like to know what I am getting into." I replied steadily.

I thought about it for a whole day. I was very clear about what all I wanted to say. I could not see his expression but I heard him giving a chuckle. Then he suddenly pulled me into a hug.

"For today, this is all I want." He said as he slumped down on the bed with me in his arms.

"I am too tired, we will talk about this tomorrow." He said and pulled the blankets over us.

I remember lying there stiff in his arms. The sudden intimacy was so shocking for me. It took me a while to settle down and ease into his embrace. I feel he was already asleep by the time I settled my nerves. I could never imagine him doing something like that. It was as if we were lovers. Weren't such actions something that lovers do? Embracing each other to sleep and kissing passionately. Was this what he wanted from me? For how long? I remember thinking this wouldn't be very hard in that case, because such physical intimacy didn't mean much to me. I was so naive.