A Regret and Doubt
1134 Words
CALISTA.
I sat at the dining table, my hands clenched in my lap. It feels like there are thousands of wild butterflies fluttering in my chest, not from happiness, but from nervousness. In front of me, Mom looked at me with a questioning look, like she knew I was hiding something.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" she asked, taking a quiet sip of her hot tea.
I swallowed, trying to figure out the best way to start. But nothing really felt good enough.
"Mom, I..." I paused, taking a deep breath. "I want to ask permission."
Mom raised her eyebrows. "Permission for what?"
The words were simple, but that tone-that soft yet sharp tone that only Mom had-made me tense up even more.
"I want to get married," I said finally, voice lower than I expected.
Mom paused for a moment, setting her cup down on the table. I could feel her gaze watching me, trying to read the thoughts I hadn't said.
"Married? To whom?"
I held my breath, gathering courage. This was the hardest part. "With Raka, mom."
I saw her face change—not much, just a slight wrinkle on her forehead and a thin pucker of her lips. But enough to make me feel small.
"Sean?" she asked slowly, as if to make sure she hadn't misheard.
I nodded, trying to smile even though my little heart wanted to run away from this place. "Yes, ma'am. Sean."
Mom leaned her back against the chair, her eyes distant, as if thinking about something.
"Sean... he's your ex-boyfriend, right? He's also the one who helped pay off our family debt and saved our family restaurant."
"Yes, he is, ma'am." I couldn't deny that. "I thought I wouldn't meet this situation, he offered to marry me. We haven't connected with each other for a long time."
Mom sighed, her gaze refocusing on me. I could see the look on her face was one of annoyance. There seemed to be some guilt she was feeling.
"That's right. I was the one who told you to separate from Sean because I wanted to set you up with your ex-husband."
I felt heat on my face. "We weren't ready then, Mom. A lot of things kept us away from each other. But now, we know what we want. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him."
Silence filled the room. Only the second sound of the wall clock could be heard, as if time was slowing down.
"You know," Mom said finally, her voice soft but firm, "I always wanted the best for you. And I never forbade you from choosing your own path. But marrying someone from the past... it's not easy."
"I know," I replied quickly. "I know this might seem like a step backwards. But I believe in him, Mom. He doesn't seem like the same old Sean. He's changed, and so have I. We're not the same as we used to be."
Mom gave me a long look, as if searching for something in my eyes-confidence, perhaps, or honesty.
"Then answer my question," she said slowly. "Does he love you as much as you love him?"
I don't need to think to answer that question. "Yes, ma'am. He loves me. I'm sure of it. But, I... I don't know if I still love him or not."
Mom let out a long breath, then smiled slightly. "Then, you have to convince yourself first. And make sure you're really sure before you take this step."
My chest felt both relieved and heavy. I knew this blessing hadn't been fully given, but at least Mom hadn't rejected it. I nodded slowly, feeling tears on the verge of flowing.
"Thank you, Mom."
She just nodded, going back to sipping her tea, while I sat there, feeling as if I had just passed a test I had never imagined.
"Calista," she said softly, as if afraid her words would hurt me. "I have something to tell you."
I waited, trying to remain calm even as my heart began to race.
"Back when you were with Sean..." She paused, looking down for a moment. "I thought I knew what was best for you. I thought... by setting you up with someone else, your life would be happier."
Her words hung in the air, making this small space feel even tighter. I swallowed, trying to hold back the sudden wave of emotions that assaulted me.
"I just want you to have a stable future," she continued. "Sean... he does come from a rich family, but Damian has already brought money into our family. So, I'm afraid he can't give you a decent life."
I didn't answer. Her words were like little thorns piercing the deepest part of my heart.
"But..." Mom continued, her voice getting quieter, almost a whisper. "I was wrong. I never asked you what you really wanted. I just imposed my will, without thinking about your feelings."
I felt my eyes heating up, but I refused to cry. I had cried over the past too many times.
"Why are you saying this now?" I asked finally, my voice sounding sharper than I intended.
She paused, looking at me with eyes filled with unshed tears. "Because now I see how empty you are. How hard you try to look happy, when your heart is still hurting."
I averted my eyes, unable to bear the look of regret on her face.
"I should have supported you, not destroyed what you had with Sean. I thought I was saving you, but I ended up hurting you." Her voice broke, and I could hear the quiet sobs she was trying to hold back.
I wanted to be angry, wanted to scream at her for all the hurt she'd caused. But looking at her remorseful face, I just felt tired.
"Calista," he said again, his voice shaking. "If there was a way to make things right, I would do it. I don't want you to keep living with this hurt."
I let out a long breath, trying to calm myself down. "Mom, the past cannot be changed. We can only move on."
"I know," she said, looking at me with reddened eyes. "But I want you to know that I'm sorry. And if there's anything I can do to make you happy again, let me know."
I paused, trying to digest her words. I didn't know if this regret was enough to heal the wounds she had caused. But at least, she acknowledged it.
"Mom..." I said softly, trying to find the right words. "I need time."
She nodded, accepting my answer without force. And for the first time, I saw a fragile side of Mom, who realized that love doesn't always mean control.
- Writer
