Breaking Down

Chapter 25

25

Gabi

The mate went down my throat burning, but it warmed my core and made my muddled mind less achy.

This morning, I had woken up late and with a nasty headache. Droga. I wasn’t a lightweight and I knew I hadn’t been that drunk last night, but headaches were a common visitor after a few drinks.

The worst part though wasn’t the headache. Não. It was remembering what had happened last night after I had come home. Puta merda. I had been too happy and I practically kissed Tyler’s chest. I sighed. Yes, he had a great, kissable chest, but he wasn’t mine to take advantage of. Not really.

Only after taking a shower, putting on some clean clothes, and mustering a lot of courage, I braved coming out of my bedroom. And guess what? Of course, Tyler wasn’t home. He had left for work.

At least, this time, he had left a note over the kitchen’s counter.

Work until late.

—Ty

Bom, it was a start. A start that brought a pang to my heart. Why the hell did I feel something just staring at the note? It was ridiculous.

After throwing his note in the trash, I rummaged the kitchen for breakfast, but nothing looked good to my queasy stomach. I didn’t feel sick, but I felt that if I pushed, I would be. So, I settled for my beloved mate.

Determined to not waste my Sunday, I sat at the dinner table with my mate and laptop and started a new search. I had already researched polo clubs and horse ranches and all I could think of around the area, but there had to be more. I didn’t want to accept that all my choices had been taken from me—other than waiting to talk with the polo director from the club here in Santa Barbara. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, just to have him squash them like a fly on the wall.

So, I searched more. Tried new keywords. Increased my range. What if my commute got too far? At least I would be living the dream and loving it.

Thirty minutes later, I swallowed a scream of frustration. I had found a handful of ranches and places that taught polo for kids, but nothing looked promising. I added their names and phone numbers to the notes app on my phone, and set up an alarm. I would call them tomorrow, but I already knew the answers.

No, we don’t play professionally.

No teams here.

This is just a school, nothing more.

No, we aren’t interested in sponsoring a women’s team.

Women’s team? Is that a thing now?

I sighed.

Why was I setting up myself for failure? Wherever I looked, I couldn’t see a light in this dark tunnel. There was no option here. I was stuck being a polo player wannabe and living forever in the shadows of my brother and cousins.

My phone rang, making me jump out of my seat. I had been so lost in my thoughts, even the song set up as my ringtone scared me.

The name “Hil” flashed on the screen.

A small smile tugged at my lips and I answered the call. “Hey, guria. Tudo bem?”

“Oi,” she said, trying out Portuguese. All of the girls and even Garrett knew basic words and sentences. And curse words. Those they all knew. “Want to come over? I’ve been sketching the outfits for the fashion show and I got some fabric samples I would like to show you guys. I already called Hannah and Bia.”

I scrunched. “What if I say I’m not coming?”

“Then we’ll stay on the phone until you do.”

“What if I hang up?”

She chuckled. “Then I’ll call again.”

“What if I don’t pick up?”

“Then I’ll go there and knock on your door until you open it for me.”

This time, I chuckled. “Man, you’re pushy.”

“No, I’m just a great friend.”

I glanced around my apartment. Tyler was gone, and my search was taking me nowhere. I had nothing better to do. Besides, spending time with my family and friends was always great.

“I’ll be there in a few …”

“Oh, this isn’t a girls-only thing. The guys went practicing early morning and should be done at any moment. They will probably spend the afternoon playing video games.”

“Ah …” A heavy feeling dropped in my stomach. “Tyler is working today.”

“On a Sunday?”

“Yeah, he usually works Saturdays and Sundays.”

“That sucks.”

I sighed. “It does.” More than I wanted to admit. It was insane how lonely I felt whenever he wasn’t here.

“Well, one more reason to come over. So you’re not alone there, missing your honey.”

I gasped, choking on air. “Your honey?”

She laughed out loud. “It’s old-fashioned, but still applies!”

“Meu Deus …”

“Okay, stop wasting my time. Just move your a*s and come over!”

Amused, I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see it. “Sim, senhora. Just … let me finish some quick things over here and I’ll be there soon.”

“Good. See you soon, then.”

“Tchau,” I said, before turning off the phone.

I pushed out the chair and looked at the empty living room in front of me. I didn’t feel as excited as I thought I ought for going to spend some quality time with my family, but it beat staying alone here, sorry for myself for not being able to do more and achieve my dreams.

Before leaving, I wrote a short note for Tyler.

Another week flew by. The guys left for a tournament on Thursday. They had played on Friday and won, as usual. They had invited me to go with them, but I thought seeing them in action would only make me more depressed. Instead, I told myself I would focus on researching more clubs and places, maybe even going to a few of them. Perhaps if I showed my face, it would give them a better impression?

I just didn’t know anymore.

I had also talked to my mother. She told me my father was still pissed at me. She was too, but she was better at hiding it, and also at forgiving. She told me she had been able to calm him down enough not to run to the airport and get the first flight here. I was thankful for that, but she warned me she might not be able to hold him back forever.

“You should talk to him again, filha,” she said.

I promised her I would, but I always chickened out.

Though I hadn't spoken to my father, I had talked to Priscila a lot. We texted a couple of times a day. She was curious about Tyler and often questioned my sanity.

“I just can’t believe you’re engaged,” she kept repeating. “So sudden. It isn’t like you.”

She was right, but I couldn’t simply tell her the truth. Could I? Maybe someday.

As for Tyler, I hadn’t seen a lot of him the entire week. Only when he got home from work late at night. He usually ate something quick and went to bed. We hadn’t started studying any of the interview questions, and that was making me worried.

Friday early afternoon, I was researching more clubs when Tyler walked up to me and stood right in front of my chair.

I set my laptop aside and looked up at him. “What’s up?”

He wiped his hands on his jeans. “All right, so, I knew this day was coming, I just …” He shut his mouth.

I straightened in my chair. “What is it?”

“The money from our deal, most of it is to pay bills. And most of the bills are from the hospital.” He sighed and my heart lurched. Was he sick? “But it’s not for me. It’s for my father. He has cancer. Again. For the third time. And it’s not getting better.”

My chest deflated. “That’s … terrible.”

He sat down on the coffee table. “He has been spending more and more time at the hospital now, but every now and then, he feels better and I like to bring him home. He’s doing okay right now, and I wanted to go pick him up and bring him home this afternoon.”

Oh, so he wasn’t telling me this because he wanted to share something with me. He was letting me know his father would be coming home.

“Of course, you should bring him home when he’s up to it.” I stood. “I’ll … pack a bag and …” And do what? I couldn’t go to my brother’s apartment or Bia’s. They would all talk about it and think Tyler and I were having problems. Then, I should probably hide in a hotel. But for how long? Did it matter? It was for Tyler’s father. If my father had cancer and wanted to spend some time at his place, then I would shoo out anyone in my way and—

Tyler caught my arm as I turned toward my room. I froze and he gently pulled me back. “Why would you pack a bag? You think I want you to leave?”

I took a step back. “Sim …”

“I wasn’t telling you this so you would leave. I was telling you all this so you would know what to expect when I bring him home this afternoon.”

Oh. “And what did you tell him about me?”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Well, I thought about keeping up with the lie. We tell him you’re my girlfriend.” He grimaced.

Sure, downgrade me some more. From wife, to fiancée, to girlfriend. Soon, I would be roommate, then who knew. Maid? Secretary? Neighbor? An acquaintance?

Why did I care about this? It had been my idea. Now, I had to accept all the lies that came with it.

“Are you sure about that? I can just leave.”

“I hope … I hope my father will live for many more months. Years even. Hopefully, he’ll feel well enough to come stay with me often, and I can’t ask you to move out every time that happens.” He paused. “Would you be okay with that?”

I offered him a reassuring smile. “Sure.”

“Okay.” He stepped back. “Then, I’m gonna take a shower and go to the hospital. The doctor was going to check up on him before he was allowed to leave, and I want to be there for that. Then, I’ll bring him in.”

“Wait, what about dinner? What does he like?”

“Don’t worry about that. We can order something.”

“Tyler, just tell me what he likes.”

One corner of his lips tugged. “He loves breads and steak and potatoes and cheese. Just don’t make anything too greasy or any heavy sauces or too much spice and it should be fine.”

“I’ll try.”

He retreated to his bedroom but paused at the door. “Thanks.”

“For?”

He shrugged. “For not looking at me with pity in your eyes. For not asking the five hundred questions everyone does when they find out someone has cancer. For not judging me for having so many bills. And … for wanting to cook for my old man.”

I smiled at him. “Anytime.”

Me: I know you’re still pissed at me, but I need your help. Please, call me.

I stared at my phone over an hour later, and Bia still hadn’t replied. Or called me.

Merda.

I could make pão de queijo without her, but it was her thing. I wanted her to come over and help me with it. Besides, it would be a good excuse to have her alone with me and force her to face me and get over everything.

She couldn’t stay mad at me forever, could she?

Another half an hour passed and I gave up. If I waited, there would be no pão de queijo and no dinner at this house.

I picked up the polvilho from the pantry and reached for the scissors in the knife set—then my phone rang. Relief coursed through me when I saw Bia’s name blinking on the screen.

“Oi, guria, I thought you would keep ignoring me.”

“I almost did.” She paused. “But you said you needed my help. It better be for a good cause or I’m hanging up.”

Ouch. “Hm, I’m meeting Tyler’s father this evening, and I learned he likes bread and cheese, so I thought why not make some pão de queijo for appetizers. However, that’s your specialty, not mine.”

“Everyone can make pão de queijo. You just need to follow the recipe.”

“Bia …” I sighed. “Can we please just put that aside for the next couple of hours while you come over and help me with the pão de queijo? Besides, I still have to cook the rest of the dinner and I haven’t even started it yet. I could use the help.”

Though she remained silent for a long moment, I swore I could hear the grinding of her teeth on the other side of the phone. “Fine! But only if you have whiskey. I might need a dose of Jack and Coke to do this.”

“First, ouch. I knew you were upset with me, but I didn’t think you needed to drink to face me again. Second, yes, I do have whiskey. Come over and I’ll have your Jack and Coke ready for you.”

“Just text me the address.”

I did and she replied saying she would be here in about thirty, forty minutes. Enough time for me to run to the flower shop two blocks from the apartment and buy some cute, small bouquets and some colorful candles and holders. I had finished spreading the bouquets and candles around the living room when Bia arrived.

I opened the door for her, unsure of what to do. Usually, we would hug, but with her being so mad at me, I thought it would be best if I stepped aside and gave her some space.

“Thanks for coming.”

Bia stepped into the apartment and looked around. “Cute little apartment.”

I shrugged. “It’s cute, like you said.”

I hadn’t chosen a big apartment as I first wanted because I knew Tyler couldn’t afford one on his own, and if someone in my family learned about his financial problems, they would think I was paying for everything and throw another fit.

She went straight to the open kitchen and found her glass of Jack and Coke on the counter. She took a long swallow and set it down again. “Let’s get to work.”

In an awkward silence, Bia made the pão de queijo while I worked on a bacon wrapped steak and potatoes au gratin—with lots of my own white sauce. It wasn’t too heavy, but I kept a mental note to advise Tyler’s father to eat just a little. And then was dessert—a Brazilian specialty. I hoped they'd like it.

“That smells good,” she finally said, after almost thirty minutes navigating by my side in the kitchen. And after two glasses of Jack and Coke.

“Thanks. I hope he likes it.”

“So, are you nervous?”

I spread the cooked potatoes into a glass pan. “A little, I guess.” I poured the sauce over the potatoes. I glanced at her. “He has cancer.”

“Oh, wow, that’s …”

I added grated cheese on top and put it in the oven beside the steak. “Tyler seems worried about it, though he doesn’t talk about it much.” Not really a lie since Tyler never spoke about it to me before. “To be honest, I don’t know the extent, only that it’s the third time the cancer has come back and it’s not looking good.”

A knot adorned her forehead. “I can’t imagine having to see your parent fade away from cancer.” She paused, then continued. “I don’t think Tyler knows I know this, but Garrett told me. Tyler’s mother walked out on them a long, long time ago. He doesn’t remember her much, but he does know she remarried and has other kids.”

My heart sank as I poured myself a glass of Jack and Coke. Now that the food was practically done, I could use some alcohol in my veins to relax. “Wow, having his mother abandon him and now seeing his father getting sicker and sicker?” I shook my head. “It must hurt.”

“Bom, for what is worth, now he has you.” She glanced at me. “I mean … I know it’s fake but I know you. You care about others and now you care about his problems. I think.”

“I do,” I said, realizing it was true. And I didn’t like the feelings it woke in me.

I averted my eyes before she saw a trace of these unwelcomed feelings in me. To busy myself while I waited for the food, I checked on the drinks in the fridge. We didn’t have many options, but I hoped Tyler had bought whatever his father liked.

She put the pão de queijo in the oven, then turned to me. “Aren’t you missing Brazil? Even a little bit?”

I glanced up at her. “A little. My parents, of course, even though they want to kill me.”

“Imagine if they knew the truth.”

I cringed. “Don’t joke about that.” I paused, thinking. “I miss Pri too. And the food.”

“No one or nothing else?”

“Not me, but apparently Mateus has been missing me.”

She c****d one of her brows. “Really?”

I told her about his texts and then Pri’s texts, telling me he was asking about me, determined to win me back. I had no idea how because one, I didn’t love him anymore. I just liked him as an acquaintance. And two, he was thousands of miles away. How would he win me back by not being here? He was nuts.

“Does Tyler know about him?”

I put the potatoes beside the pão de queijo in the oven, then faced my cousin. “About Mateus? Why would he?”

She shrugged. “Não sei. Just wondering. I hope Mateus doesn’t show up here …”

I knocked on the wood cabinet. “Don’t joke about that either.” I opened a cabinet door and picked up some plates. “Help me set up the table, please.”

“Okay, then let’s talk about something else.” Bia picked up the forks and knives. “So, how is the search for a polo team going?”

Letting out a long breath, I grabbed glasses and took them to the table. “Not good. No club wants to sponsor a female team.”

“Sexist pigs,” she muttered.

I chuckled. “I don’t think that’s the main reason, but I appreciate the support.”

Bia looked around the room. Her eyes locked on one of the small bouquet of flowers I had bought earlier. She grabbed it and placed it in the middle of the breakfast table.

“What do you think?”

I stepped back and looked at our handiwork. “It looks good. Cozy, quaint.”

She sighed. “Bom, I think it’s time for me to go.”

“Sim, claro. I have to take a quick shower and be ready for when they get back.” I walked to the door and paused, my hand on the knob. I stared at my cousin as she walked to me. “Obrigada for your help.”

A small smile appeared on her lips. “De nada.”

“Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“Não. I’m still mad at you.” Her smile widened. “But it means I might forgive you faster than I thought I would.”

“I’ll take that.”

She took my hand and squeezed it. “Good luck tonight. I hope you charm the old man even more than you charmed Ty.”

I snorted. “I didn’t charm Tyler. You know we both are faking it.”

“Claro. If you say so.”

I put a hand on my waist. “What is that supposed to mean?” Chuckling, she opened the door and walked out. I stepped into the hallway. “Bia! Don’t leave like that. What did you mean?”

But she didn’t answer me. I would have gone after her, but I was running out of time. I still had to get ready myself. Droga.