So What If I'm in Senior High School?

Persistence or False Optimism?

When faced with challenges, people commonly tell you to stay determined-- to be persistent in achieving your goal. That despite the difficulties surrounding you, you have to remain optimistic about everything.

But there is, however, a fine line between being persistent and being falsely optimistic.

Persistence is when you go on even after feeling lost and experiencing great difficulty. It's basically not giving up. False optimism, on the other hand, is when you put up a face that things are going to be fine, but in reality, you know everything is going into flames.

But I'm an i***t, so differentiating one from the other is not my strong suit. And before anyone tries to prove to me otherwise, please refer to the scores on my school examinations and aptitude tests.

That's why I end up jumping to the wrong conclusions. Especially in the next few days.

I groan and squint my eyes. The sunlight hits my face as I wake up to the smell of alcohol and mint. I scan the room. I'm lying down on a bed-- a familiar one. It's not mine though. I'm at Ross's place. Beside me are Josh and Ed. Vincent and Gabriel are snoring on the floor. All of them sound asleep. These drunkards. Hah.

I slowly get up, trying my best not to wake anybody up. On the table next to the bed, our phones are all huddled up. I pick mine up, shove it in my pocket and get out of the room. I could see Ross sitting by the dining table. I head to where he is.

"Hala. Looks like the alcoholic is awake," Ross jokes, a smirk on his face. In front of him is plate filled with garlic rice, a sunnyside up egg, and beef tapa. Beside it is a hot cup of coffee. It smells like heaven compared to the expired novelty of cheap beer.

I roll my eyes and chuckle softly. "Shut up. Who was the one who invited me to drink again?"

Ross shrugs. "Nothing personal. Go get a coffee. I know you're still a bit buzzed from last night."

"Yes, boss." I grab a mug from the cupboard. There's a pot on the table-- I assume it's filled with the coffee Ross is indulged in, and pour its contents on my mug. As it filled my mug, the relieving aroma of caffeine blows gently on my face. I take a deep breath. Damn, that feels good.

I sit on the chair facing Ross and sip from my mug. Ross is busy eating food from his plate, and I get to my phone. There are several messages popping from my f*******: Messenger, most of them from Group chats. Scratch that—all of them, from Group chats. I’m not even single and yet here I am, getting no personal messages from anyone. What a lonely guy you turned out to be, Seth.

Is no one really gonna message me? None? Because I’m going to put my phone down now. Anyone? Hello? Universe, aren’t you going to send someone to chat me? Not even one? Sigh. What the f**k are you doing, Seth? Just face the facts. No one wants to talk to you.

I put my phone back in my pocket and finish up my cup of coffee. It feels warm in my stomach. It’s comforting. I stand up. “I’m gonna head home.”

Ross raises his hand and waves without even looking at me. “Don’t forget to lock the door on your way out.”

“See you tomorrow,” I say before heading out. I head straight home and nothing happens for the rest of the day. Which was weird because the universe seemed to love messing with me last Saturday. But then again, this could be the calm before the storm. Let’s hope not, Seth.

The next morning comes and it’s already Monday. It’s already eight am—thirty minutes since the bell rang. Our teacher hasn’t come yet, and everyone in the class is either busy talking, scrolling through f*******: or playing Mobile Legends. I, on the other hand, am yawning like crazy. Ross and Ed are talking by the door. I stand up and walk over to them.

“It was 20-0. The other team was crushed like a bug,” Ed says.

Guess we’re talking about basketball again.

Then, unexpectedly, a college student assistant passes by us. The three of us look at her.

Ross whistles. “Just my type.”

“Hey, I saw her first!” Ed whines.

I raise my brow and chuckle. “We all saw her at the same time, idiot.”

“Dude, you have a girlfriend. Stay out of this,” Ross pats me on the chest.

“I am out of this.” I laugh. Besides, she’s not really my type. I like cute girls more.

“Yo, Seth! Someone is looking for you!” Joshua yells from across the room. In front of him is the student assistant who passed by us a while ago.

Ed and Ross both groan at the same time.

“I thought you were out of this, Seth?” Ed whines again.

Ross narrows his eyes at me. “You, dog!”

Ed and Ross are whining like children but I ignore them. As I said, she’s not my type.

“Me?” I blink my eyes. However, I am curious about what she wants from me. I walk over to her. “Yeah?”

“You’ve been called to the Guidance and Counseling Office,” she says and shows a piece of paper. It’s an excuse slip with my name written on it. I wonder why I’m being called? I haven’t gotten into any fist fights or trouble since. I’m innocent! I look up at the ceiling. Universe, is this another one of your surprises?

“What for?” I ask.

“The counselor wants to speak with you,” she replies. “Please head to the office now.”

“Alright.” I shrug. It’s not like I have any choice but to go now. Whatever fate lies ahead—whether I’m going to be in trouble, be reprimanded, expelled or be thrown into jail, I have to go. Universe, take care of my family and friends. Sniffle.

Just kidding. I’m probably just exaggerating s**t.

I leave our class and go to the Guidance Office. I gently push the door open and enter the lobby. There’s a small center table in front of a comfy-looking sofa and an office desk. On the opposite side, there’s a shelf filled with colorful pamphlets, booklets, and magazines. There’s also a small cactus on the table. It feels so homey. When was the last time I visited this place? This atmosphere doesn’t spell trouble or punishment at all.

It’s quiet except for faint music from the room nearest to the lobby. It’s playing Mundo by IV of spades. Man, how many times do I have to keep hearing that song? I get that it’s nice and all that but I really don’t get what’s so special about it or this band.

Then, I hear a chair move from the same room. There’s footsteps. I look. Uhh... could that be the person who summoned me here? The one who would give me divine judgment? The one who will send me our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ's wrath? I gulp.

I close my eyes. Oh god, please don’t let me die here and now. I still have so much to do in life. I have to finish high school, go to college, meet my future wife, graduate, get a job, settle down, make my mama and papa proud, and everything else that happens after. Universe, I don’t want to die yeeeeet!

“Oh! You’re here,” A sweet voice says.

What? That’s my punisher's voice?

I open my eyes slowly. As soon as I saw the person in front of me, heat forms in my cheeks. It’s Ms. Julianna. She’s smiling sweetly, her cheeks adorably plump. I open my mouth, trying to say something but nothing comes out. I’m speechless.

“If you’re ready, please see me inside my cubicle. I’ll be waiting,” she says with a smile before retreating to the first room. I blink fast. As soon as she’s out of sight, I could move again. I sigh and slap myself on the forehead. I must have looked like a complete i***t in front of her. Gahhh. Why can’t I function like a normal being around Ms. Julianna for once? What is wrong with you Seth?

I scratch my head. It doesn’t matter. You are an actual i***t, after all, Seth. No need to worry about looking like one. I roll my eyes.

Okay. I feel that this inner monologue is taking too long. I better not make Ms. Julianna wait.

I walk to the first room. Before going inside, I take a deep breath and look at the door. It’s actually open. I’ve been a student in this school for so long but I’ve never been in this room ever. Heck, I probably haven’t been in this office either. Have I? Maybe when I was kindergarten when I took the admission test. But that’s about it. I’m waaaaaay past kindergarten. Okay, am I having another long inner monologue again? f**k. You have got to learn to shut up sometimes, Inner Seth.

Without nothing to lose, I decided to go inside. It’s a small airconditioned room. There’s a long desk on one side filled with organizers, files and a computer. On another side is a corkboard full of drawings and doodles—they’re most likely from children. It’s obvious because of the way they’re drawn. Then, there are two single couches facing each other. Ms. Julianna is sitting on one of them.

“Hi! Come in and have a seat,” Ms. Julianna says as she stands up. She extends her hand and points it towards the other couch. I nod my head and do so. She walks to the door and closes it. It shut now. She goes back and sits on the couch in front of me.

Ms. Julianna looks at me and smiles. I can’t help but smile too. She’s so cute. Fuuuuuuck. My hands are trembling for some reason, and I can’t help but notice that tempo in my chest is slowly racing. This is actually the first time Ms. Julianna and I talked face-to-face alone.

Man, this is so weird. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve found a teacher pretty or something. But... But... for some reason, I’m feeling tense around her.

“Mr. Mitigation?” Ms. Julianna says.

I blink. “What?”

She chuckles a bit. “Sorry. I just remembered it when I saw your face.”

My shoulders relax as I hear her gentle laughter. She’s so carefree around me. It feels like I’m not talking to authority. It feels nice. I smile. “Ma’am, I thought you said Seth sounds much better than that?”

“It does.” She stops chuckling and smiles. “So, how are you today, Seth?”

“Me?” I scratch my head. Did she just call me in here so we could talk to each other? Wow... That’s kinda...

My inner self's jaw drops. Wait! Does that mean Ms. Julianna is interested in me too?!?!?

Suddenly, I could hear angels blowing trumpets and a church choir singing Hallelujah with perfect harmony. Holy s**t! Did I just score big time?! Daaaaaaaamn, Seth! You dog! Awoo! Awoo!

“Seth?” Ms. Juliann speaks up, bringing me back to reality. Snap out of it, i***t. She’s probably just doing her job! A-and besides, I have Sienna. Yeah, Sienna...

My eyes soften. We still haven’t fixed things between us.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” I say with a low voice.

“You don’t sound okay,” Ms. Julianna replies.

“I don’t?” I look at her. Ms. Julianna’s eyes are focused on me. Her brows are close together. I feel my heart melt just by the way she looks at me. f**k. I can’t look at her. I try my best to avoid eye contact.

“Listen, Seth. I got your message last Saturday night,” she says.

“My message?” I respond. What message is she talking about? Our funny chats? Did she mean that?

“I guess you don’t remember.” She digs into her pocket while speaking, “Before we stopped chatting back then, you told me were drinking with your friends, right?”

I nod my head. Oh no. Oh, f*****g hell no. Did I drunk chat Ms. Julianna? Seth, I know you’re an i***t but you’ve really out down yourself this time. You’ve officially been promoted from i***t to complete and utter moron. If I could turn back time, I would so go back to Saturday night and punch the lights out of Saturday-night-Seth.

“Y-yeah-yeah, what about it?” I ask.

Ms. Julianna gets her phone from her pocket and scrolls through it. “Maybe you had too much, that’s why you don’t remember. But...”

She raises her phone and shows it to me. Our chatbox is open. The few messages are from Ms. Julianna asking me if I’m okay or what happened. Then, above it all, was my message.

Ma'aaaaaaam. Ma'am…. MA'AM! Huhuhuhu. Please console me. Fuckkkkk. My brother died. Huhuu ms. Juliannaaaa. Maam. Please,huhuhu I can’t take it anymore.

My jaw drops. Holy. f*****g. s**t?!? I-I sent that to... I sent that to Ms. Julianna?! To a school employee?! What the hell?! Oh my f*****g God. Seth, you’ve finally hit your all-time low.

I sink in my seat, rub my face violently and groan like a zombie. f*****g hell. That’s what you get for chugging too much alcohol while keeping problems to yourself, moron. f**k. But to send something like this to Ms. Julianna out of all people... Why couldn’t you just send this to your Group chats drunk-Seth? Now, I really want to punch you even more. Gahhh!

I laugh awkwardly and shakes my hands in front of Ms. Julianna. “This is just drunk ramblings. Don’t mind this! I’m totally fine, Ma’am.”

Ms. Julianna’s smile is gone. “Then, what about your brother?”

My laughter dies. I look down and bite my lower lip. That’s right. Sean is gone, and he’s not coming back. I must have been really drunk then because I was so honest with what I truly felt. It’s been three months since we lost Sean, but I’m still hurting. I miss him a lot. And the situation with Sienna isn’t helping either.

I sigh.

“You know, Seth. It’s okay to say you’re not okay if you’re not feeling fine,” Ms. Julianna reassures.

I look at her. “It is?”

She nods her head and gives a gentle smile. “Yup. So, what about you? How are you feeling?”

All this time I’ve been trying so hard to hide everything in my chest. But lately, it seems so heavy doing so.

“Crappy,” I say. “About my brother, he died. It was around December when it happened.”

Ms. Julianna nods her head. “Mhmm.”

“I honestly thought that I’d be a bit over it by now but I was wrong. It still hurts not having Sean around” I sigh as I spoke, “It’s especially hard recently since I have this problem with my girlfriend.”

“I see. How is it related to Sean?” she asks.

“Well, Sean is my bro. He gets me. He listens. Whenever I have problems, he always knows how to help me get through it.” I look at her, my brows knit together. “Now that he’s gone, I just feel so lost. I don’t know what I should do with the situation between me and Sienna.”

“It is hard to lose someone who was like a lifeline for you,” she comments. “Have you tried talking to your friends or family about your problem though?”

I shake my head. “It just doesn’t feel the same.”

“I see. Well, I get how you feel. Although you’re close with these people around you, there really are certain individuals where you feel more comfortable talking to,” she says.

My chest feels warm all of a sudden as Ms. Julianna says those words. “Yeah...”

“But do you want to keep those feelings inside forever?” She asks.

I frown. It feels as though my hands are trembling. I clench them tight, trying to stop them from shaking. “No. It’s f*****g exhausting not being able to talk about it.”

Ms. Julianna nods. She doesn’t flinch or react after I cussed. That’s weird. Teachers and staff always seem to react whenever they hear us swear. Then... it should be okay to talk normally around her, right?

“Then tell me about your situation with your girlfriend. If it’s alright with you,” Ms. Julianna says.

I nod my head. My expression softens. “It’s alright with me...” I shift in my seat. “Sienna has been acting cold ever since she came home from a trip in Cebu. That happened about the time we finished finals.”

“Cold like how?” Ms. Julianna asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know. Like not replying to my messages, seen-zoning me, ignoring my calls, avoiding me personally. It feels like she’s treating like a stranger.”

“I see. Did anything happen after she came back from Cebu though?” she says.

“No. The moment she came home, she’s been cold. We were in such good terms before she went there too,” I say.

“That’s kind of strange. It’s kind of abrupt,” Ms. Julianna comments.

I nod. “It is! I tried talking to her about it, but she got angry. She doesn’t wanna talk. She even told me I was too young to understand!” My voice raises. “Ma’am, how in the world am I too young? She’s just a year older than me. Heck, you even said I look old last time we chatted, right ma’am?”

Ms. Julianna’s mouth opens. She’s stiff. Realizing what I just did, my jaw drops and my cheeks go hot. f**k. What did I just say? I shake my head violently and stutter. “U-uhh... Snap. S-sorry. I’ll shut up now.”

Ms. Julianna chuckles, her eyes turn all chinky. It’s so cute. I can’t help but chuckle too. A bit awkwardly though since I just embarrassed myself in front of her for a thousand times. Way to go, Seth.

“It’s okay. At least you’re comfortable talking to me about it. How did it feel telling me about everything?” She says with a smile.

I smile back as I scratch my head. I touch my chest. My hands are less tense, my shoulders are relaxed, and my chest feels... free. There’s no tight feeling anymore. “It feels nice.”

“Good,” She says. “Listen, Seth. I don't really know the reasons why your girlfriend is acting that way, but whatever it is, maybe talking it out with her could help.”

“I tried to...” I reply.

“Yes. It really shows that you care about this relationship.” Ms. Julianna then holds her hands together. “But you see, sometimes girls get scared of confrontation, especially when they’re the one being confronted.”

I lean on my seat with eyes a bit wide open. “They do?”

She nods her head. “Mhmm. I can’t tell how things will go if you talk to her, but it might at least help you be out of the dark.”

“That’s true...” I rub my forehead and sigh. Yeah, she’s totally right. It’s really scary thinking of the possibility that Sienna and I won’t work out, that maybe she found a better guy in Cebu similar to Angel's experience. But, it’s also tormenting staying in this Limbo of not knowing the truth and acting like everything is okay. I nod my head.

“Okay. Then, I’ll try talking to her after school today.” I stand up from the couch.

“Alright.” Ms. Julianna also stands up. She’s smiling at me. “I hope for the best.”

“Thanks, ma’am. You’re the best.” I grin. We’ve only talked twice face-to-face, but I could already tell Ms. Julianna was different. She was way different from all the teachers I’ve met. She’s so caring. She cares about me. Maybe that’s why I was so attracted to her the first time I laid eyes on her. She’s so enchanting.

I walk to the door, about to leave. But just before I did, Ms. Julianna calls me.

“Oh, Seth?” Ms. Julianna says with a sweet voice.

I stop my tracks, look at her and smile back. “Yes, Ms. Julianna?”

She chuckles and shakes her head slightly. “You can talk to me any time, okay?”

My smile grows wider. It’s reaching cheek to cheek. It’s probably flushed with the color red by now. I don’t care. I feel absolutely great. This definitely isn’t going to be the last time you and I are going to see each other. Seth Earl Benitez will make sure of it, my Julianna.