Honeybun at a Dude Ranch

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER ONE

HEATHCLIFFE HONEYBUN huddled lower in the hard chair and tried to ignore the screeching from down the hall. His brothers surrounded him, every one of them giving off similar waves of discomfort and fear.

His dad paced the room, his face pale under the mop of graying red hair. He would stop pacing with every scream, wring his hands, and then start pacing again as the screaming stopped.

By direct contrast, his mother sat in a chair by the door, her beautiful face the picture of serenity and pleasure.

Heathcliffe decided women were either incredibly strong or magnificent masochists. He was glad he wasn’t a woman. He was pretty sure he’d never survive childbirth.

Footsteps sounded in the hallway and Heathcliffe looked up. Godric was running toward them, a smile on his face. “The baby’s crowned!”

Next to him, Alf shot out of his chair, “What? Like in knighted? Will we need to bow when we see it?”

Wanda Honeybun chuckled. “He means he can see the head. The baby’s almost here.”

Godric looked at Bob Honeybun. “Dad, she’s insisting. You don’t have much time. If you don’t get in there, Edric’s gonna come drag you in.”

The patriarch of the Honeybun clan lost another shade of color and gulped...hard. “Oh Lord.” He glanced at his wife.

Wanda stood up and went to him, grasping his big, shaking hand. “You can do this, honey. In fact, you know you have no choice.” She gave him ‘the look’, which, as long as Heathcliffe could remember, had caused all the testosterone in the vicinity to flee in terror. No male could fight against ‘the look’. It ate all resistance in its path and turned the will and knee ligaments of any who dared try to mush. In his present condition, Heathcliffe knew his dad didn’t have a chance against it.

“Come on, dad.” Godric urged.

Another scream rent the air, underscoring the urgency in Godric’s voice.

“Dad!” Edric’s terrified scream finally got Bob Honeybun’s feet moving. He dragged Wanda down the hall with him, as if hoping to hide behind her when things got ugly.

Godric looked at his brothers, who were huddling more deeply into their hard, plastic chairs trying to disappear.

“Come on, men. Soldier up. We have a wedding to attend.”

The collective groan was lost behind another blood curdling scream, which shook the walls of the hospital waiting room, threatening to dump pictures from the walls.

The sound of heels clicking on the hall tiles preceded a wash of fresh estrogen into the room. Smelling of flowers and fresh air, Brita, Angie, Pleasance, Fabiana, and Dini ran down the hall looking like they’d just left a Victorian Ball.

They were dressed in multi-hued splendor, with sweeping skirts, plunging necklines, and violently cinched waists. They looked like frosting roses on a wedding cake. Their faces were suffused with color, both from running and probably not a little bit because they couldn’t breathe under the restrictive fashion.

They squealed as they saw the family. “Are we too late?” Pleasance asked with a wide grin.

Dini tripped over the hem of her dress and fell against Percy, laughing.

Brita explained, “We were trying on our bridesmaids dresses clear across town when Wanda called. We didn’t think we’d make it in time.”

Percy’s gaze slipped down her long, lean form. “You look delicious.”

Brita twisted her lips to keep from smiling. “Thanks, Honeybun.”

Alf opened his arms and caught Pleasance as she threw herself at him, kissing him loudly. “You’re not too late,” he told them. “She’s still screaming like someone’s ripping her into tiny little pieces.”

Angie clapped her hands and kissed Alastair on the cheek. “Oh good!”

Heathcliffe shared a look with Clovis. His older brother shook his head. “Women are tough, bro.”

“Iron balls,” Clovis agreed.

“Can we see her?” Fabiana’s subdued, husky voice was such a contrast to her companions’ excited voices that it cut through everything else like an NFL offense through the Indianapolis Colts’ defensive line. Warwicke wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “It seems we’re all gonna have to see her. Dad just went in, she’s insisting on being married before the little tyke is born.”

Fabby frowned at him. “Of course she is.” Shaking her head, she grabbed his hand. “Let’s go. I don’t want to miss a minute of this.”

###

BELLA WAS PROPPED UP in bed, her feet jammed into stirrups and a clean white sheet draped over her legs. Her dark hair was stringy with sweat and her pretty round face was damp, her cheeks deceptively rosy.

The honeys surged into the room, squealing with delight, and swarmed over her, giving hugs and wiping damp strands of hair from her brow.

Unbelievably, amidst her obvious pain, Bella smiled and laughed with them. “I’m so glad y’all could make it to my wedding s***h delivery party.”

The women all shared a laugh as the men tried to edge toward the door.

Sweaty and pale, Edric stood next to the bed holding Bella’s hand. The skin over his knuckles was white and the rest of his hand was bright red from Bella’s grip.

He looked terrified and rumpled.

Godric instructed Bella to breathe and she complied, panting like a puppy as Godric ducked his head under the sheet. When he came up he looked at his dad. “You’d better make this fast, dad. I figure you have five minutes before your first grandchild is born.”

Wanda sighed serenely.

Bob Honeybun stood next to the bed, across from Edric. He nearly vibrated with fear, his gray gaze slipping toward the tented end of the sheet every few seconds. Sweat trickled from his brow and dark circles stained the area under his arms. His terrified gaze slid to the expectant couple. “Let’s do this then, eh?” His laugh was tinged with more than a little hysteria.

Bella threw back her head and screamed, and the Honeybun men all tried to run from the room. The only thing stopping them was tiny little Angie, who’d placed herself in the doorway and crossed her arms, glaring up at them. “Man up, soldiers.”

Wanda grabbed her husband’s arm as he surged sideways and he groaned. “Okay...okay... We are gathered here today, in the presence of friends and loved ones, to celebrate one of life's greatest moments, to give recognition to the worth and beauty of love, and to add our best wishes and blessings to the words which will unite Bella and Edric in holy matrimony.”

“Aaaaahaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“Jeezopete... Love is first given to us through family and friends. Through this familial sharing we learn how to love. Learning to love and live together is one of life's greatest challenges, and one of its greatest rewards, and is the shared goal of married life.”

“OhhhMyyyyyGoooooooooooosh!”

“Good lord...” Papa Honeybun swiped a shaky hand over his moist brow. “Bella and Edric, I challenge you to treat yourselves and each other with respect, always remembering the love that brought you here today. When the inevitable frustration and difficulty...”

“Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!”

“...assail your marriage, strive to focus on the good between you, not on that which has gone wrong. So that, when trouble clouds your lives...”

“Cruuuuddddddddddddddddd!!”

“...and you momentarily lose sight of your love, you can move beyond it...”

Bella growled, long and low, deep in her chest. Her eyes were wild and her head thrashed on the pillow. Heathcliffe expected pea soup to shoot across the room at any moment.

Godric dove under the sheet and yelled, “Push, Bella!”

Bella grabbed Edric’s hand with both of hers and screamed as she bore down.

Edric threw his father a panicked look. “Dad!!!!”

“Do you, Edric, take this woman...”

“I do!”

“Do you Bella...”

“Yessssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Thank goodness. Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife...” He sagged, visibly, against the bed. For a moment Heathcliffe thought his dad might need CPR. But the patriarch of the Honeybun clan rallied long enough to scream, “Alf, for heaven sake, give your brother the rings!”

A high-pitched wail sounded and the room erupted, everybody cheering as Godric held something that looked like a wrinkled, red alien up in the air. It was still plugged into its mother through a thick, nasty looking chord.

Heathcliffe had the uncharitable thought that, at the moment, the baby girl bore a real resemblance to its mother, given its proclivity for screaming like a banshee.

Godric laid the wailing creature across Bella’s chest and embraced Dini, kissing her in a proper hello.

Heathcliffe turned away, and found himself looking at his mom. Wanda Honeybun had her hand on the baby’s dark head and was crying with sheer, unadulterated joy.

He knew she had to be ecstatic. She’d gotten her fondest wish. The mother of eight boys finally had a little girl to spoil and pamper.

“Congratulations, Bella, Edric. I’m really happy for you.” He shook his brother’s hand and kissed Bella’s cheek. Then, as the rest of the room’s occupants crowded around them, he limped from the room.

At least somebody was realizing their dreams.

Heaven knew he certainly wasn’t.