Controlled

Five: The truth has a way of coming out

“What happened to you?” she asked, taking several steps forward. She stopped abruptly, when she was about two feet away, as her eyes took in every detail of me.

I could only blink. “What are you doing here?” I finally said. “How did you find me?”

“I saw this place,” she said distantly. “What happened to you?”

 “Burned by a witch.”

 “What?”

I sighed in slight annoyance, already far past the incident from thirty minutes ago. I was more interested in her now. “Grace, why are you here? I told Will—” It hurt to say his name. “Look, I-I told him not to—”

“Will doesn’t know about this,” she quickly said. “I came here on my own. I’ve just been so worried about him, and I was thinking of you, and I painted this area.”

 “These woods are huge. There’s no way you could’ve just—”

 “I went walking, and I found your scent.” Her eyes flickered over me once more. “What did you mean when you said a witch burned you? Are you in danger?”

 “Not currently,” I lied, and Grace’s brow raised, and her eyes then narrowed in suspicion.

“You mentioned that you killed the ambassador in self-defense. Why are the witches after you?” Grace asked. Met only by silence, she pressed, “I just want to help you.”

“I don’t need your help!” I snapped. My eyes fell downwards, blinking several times as I worked to keep my emotions under control, and then, without really meaning to, I said, “What did you mean when you said you were worried about Will?”

          “He’s been having a very hard time. He won’t talk much—won’t even drink.”

“What?” I muttered, the image of his face when I told him I was leaving scorched into my brain. The agony. I might as well have stabbed him, have killed him.

“I figured that I should try to convince you to come back,” she said, “or, at the very least, check in on you.”

The timing was so perfect, I had to laugh. Maybe it was all meant to be.

 “What’s so funny?” she wondered.

So preoccupied was I with Grace’s presence and the overall irony of the situation, I didn’t notice Andy’s arrival at all—at least, not until he said, “Who is this?”

Crap. The humor faded in an instant. I turned to him and quickly away, unable to meet his eyes. Grace looked between the two of us.

“Andy, this is, uh… Grace,” I said slowly.

He came beside me, muttering lowly, “She’s a vampire.”

“I’m aware,” I replied. Louder, though Grace could very well hear all of this, I said, “Grace, this is Andy. We travel together.”

She eyed him carefully, curiosity coloring her face. “He’s been burned as well,” she noted.

“What do you want?” Andy asked. He was angry but held a sense of resolve in his voice. “Are you here to kill us?”

Grace blinked. “No.”

She looked so utterly dumbfounded, and hurt even, that Andy hesitated. “Then why are you here?” he asked. I felt his gaze on me, which I still refused to meet. “Do you two know each other?”

Silence ensued, tense. Grace seemed to understand that she shouldn’t tell him about what had happened, and there was no way I was going to. It was a stalemate.

“Andy, could you give us a moment?” I finally spoke.

He tensed. “What?”

“Please, just go back down and talk to Sandy again.” I turned, at last meeting Andy’s stare, finding his forehead crinkled together, wrinkled from worry. Of course he was worried.

“I’m not going to leave you alone,” he replied, shooting a furious glance in Grace’s direction before quickly turning his eyes back to me.

“If she wanted to kill me, I’d already be dead.” I watched him consider the logic, though his stance didn’t change. “Please, Andy. Trust me.”

He pursed his lips. I wasn’t one to beg. “Okay,” he eventually said, “but I’ll be right down there.”

If Grace decided to harm me, there was no way Andy would be able to come fast enough, but I didn’t say this. I nodded. “Okay,” I said.

Each step he took on the ladder rung out and through me like a nail in my coffin. I’d been dead and damned the second I stepped into that castle.

Grace waited to speak until the latch of the bunker had been secured, and she said, “You both have bags packed. Are you going somewhere?”

“It’s not safe here anymore. We’ve got to move,” I confirmed.

“Where?”

“Not sure.”

I could tell she had something to say; Grace made an effort to keep her lips shut tightly. Finally, something slipped out. “Why were you burned today? You came to the castle because you said a witch attacked you, and now another did so again. Why you?” she asked.

“It’s not really any of your business,” I said, then cringed. She was still a vampire and a powerful one at that. “Look, I just mean that you don’t need to be concerned about me.”

“Of course I’m concerned about you!” she hissed out—not angrily, just with unexpected passion. “And you know why.”

I averted my eyes, scowling into the woods beside Grace. “I don’t need your sympathy.”

She chuckled suddenly, startling me, and I gazed back to her, seeing an odd grin on her face. “You’re just like him, you know,” she informed me.

Quickly, I ran through every cuss word in my head and decided that, no, there was not a worse insult than what Grace had just said to me. “No, I’m not,” I replied, sniffing and taking a step back.

She didn’t push it, but her smile remained for a few more seconds before fading. “Cassie, really, where are you going to go? What will you do?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“Why don’t you come back until you figure it out?”

I gave her a look. “You know why I can’t. You have to respect my decision.”

“I’m not asking you to stay,” she said. “Not for long, at least. I only want to help you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

My good hand, which nearly shook from anger and fear, clenched to my side. I wanted to hit her. It wouldn’t do anything, but I still felt the urge. I was pissed, and it was because she was right. There was no way I would’ve been listening if this was just about me and my life because I didn’t really care about that, but Andy was at risk out here, too.

The witches were angry. They’d been angry before, but I had killed one of their own. I’d no idea what they were willing to do now. We’d only gotten away today because there’d been one of them, but two, three?

We easily could have died today.

“If I were to,” I started carefully, without really meaning to, “then it would only be until we decide where to go next, right? We would be able to leave at any time, whenever we want?”

She nodded, almost too quickly, but it was obvious that her speed came from excitement and not deception. “Yes, of course.”

“Relax. I didn’t agree to anything.” I shut my mouth, grinding my teeth together as I turned away from her. It was easier to think that way, and I went, immediately, to consider my options, but instead I thought of Will.

His face, his voice, his scent, and how he had spoken to me.

It’d been easier to repress him consciously, but now, with Grace here, everything was flooding back, and it was painful. How could I face him again, after he had begged me to stay… after he had told me something so intimate, so personal? How could I see him once more, after I learned what I had, after having known who he was and what he had done to my country and my family?

“We can keep you safe,” she said, lightly tugging my attention back to her.

“It’s not about me,” I said.

Grace was quiet—we both were—for a heavy moment. “The man you were with,” she spoke, “he’s the one in danger, isn’t he?”

“Andy.” I winced. I probably shouldn’t have said his name, but it’d already come out. “Yeah.”

She hesitated. “Are you in love with him?”

I faced her, carefully taking in the blatant concern that littered her expression. “No,” I told her, but found it hard to lie. I glanced up for a second before meeting her eyes again. “I don’t know. I think I might be.”

She pursed her lips. “That complicates things, but the offer still stands. You can come with me and be safe at the castle—Andy, too.”

“You would let him stay there?” I replied dubiously.

Grace nodded. “Of course. The both of you can remain in the castle for as long as you’d like.”

My mouth shut, as it had fallen open at some point, and I ran through the situation. It made sense. I didn’t want to work with them or even pretend to like them for an instant, but if I could manipulate them into giving Andy and me a place to sleep… why not? Didn’t they owe us that much, at least?

If what Will had said was true, and that hurt to consider, since I’d been spending so long convincing myself it wasn’t, then he would do anything for me. And for Andy, by association. Maybe we could stay in the castle until things blew over with the witches or until we could get them off our trails. We would be protected.

Except…

“Andy doesn’t know about Will,” I said. “I didn’t tell him about the bond Will thinks we have.”

“You would have to inform him,” Grace replied.

“I know that. I’m just saying… let me tell him, okay?” I took a breath. “It has to be me.”

“Of course,” she said, and the way that she said it had me thinking she truly understood. Grace hesitated. “And so you’ll come back?”

I swallowed. My heart felt like it skipped a beat. “Yeah,” I said, thereby sealing my fate.

A smile so excellent, so perfect it felt near fake lit her beautiful face, and for an instant I really thought, just from her expression alone, that I was doing the right thing. “That’s wonderful!” she chirped, in a voice that reminded me of a song. “We can leave immediately! I have a car waiting by the road.”

The thought of telling Andy the truth was making my chest hurt.

As if having been summoned through thought alone, I heard the bunker entrance open, and I turned to see Andy step out. He was tense all over, eyes flickering between the two of us and then, after a second of evaluation, going over me, checking for injuries.

We took steps toward one another, meeting in the middle, turning together to Grace. “Could you give us a second?” I said, and it wasn’t a request.

“What’s going on?” Andy wondered, and by the time he had finished speaking, Grace had disappeared.

“I have to tell you something,” I admitted. “I wasn’t exactly honest before.”

          He took several steps towards me, eyes wide. “Is everything okay? What did she want?”

“Believe it or not…” I sighed. “To help. That’s what she said, at least, and I actually think it’s the truth.”

“Why would she want to help us? Who even was that woman?”

At first, I didn’t know really what to say, which was rare for me. I was talkative and confident, for the most part, but words failed me now. The wrong thing was too easy to let out.

“Cassie?” he pressed, raising a brow, quite aware that something was up.

“Her name is Grace.”

“Well, that’s a start. Who is she?”

A harder question. “She’s… on the High Court,” I replied.

“What?” His eyes bulged. “Cass, what’s going on?”

Here we go.

“You were wondering why they let me go… how I got out of there,” I started and then paused very purposefully, unsure as to where I was exactly going. “It’s kind of hard to say.”

“You’re making me nervous,” Andy said.

“The reason they let me go is the same reason that she wants to help me.” My mind raced as I thought of a nice way to put this. I needed a way to say this without him freaking out—which I wouldn’t blame him for doing, as I’d done the same. “Uh, you know that thing that animals do when they’re just born and they see someone?”

“And they think the person is their mother?” he asked, and I nodded. “Yeah, imprinting. I know it. Why?”

“One of the people at the castle…” I took a breath, readying myself for extreme emotions. “One of them… imprinted on me.”

He was quiet, face blank, maybe a little confused. I was expecting him to say a lot of things, but not, “So someone thinks they’re your mother?”

I blinked, immediately replying in the negative. “No! No. One of them is in love with me.”

Andy understood. He went pale. “You found your mate.”

“No, he found me. I don’t like him like that. I don’t even like him at all!” The more I spoke, the less of an effect my words seemed to have. Andy’s eyes were glazed, and I could tell his mind was racing. I didn’t have to know what he was thinking to know how he felt. “Andy, look, he’s on the High Court—he’s one of the people that destroyed our world!”

He made a face, one soured. “It doesn’t matter. You know what this means, right? You’re going to be together.”

A flash of anger ran through me, furious and white, causing a bizarre and sudden change in my body temperature. “Don’t say that. I don’t want to be with him!”

“It doesn’t matter. You’ll end up together—that’s just how it is.” Andy stared at me for a moment longer and let out a laugh that I thought didn’t fit the situation.

“What?” I asked.

“I guess a part of me always thought that…” He averted his eyes and let out a chuckle, though this one sounded nervous. “You and me would…”

“I know. Me, too,” I admitted.

His gaze returned, surprise now coloring his expression. “Really?” he said in wonder and then shook his head before I could even answer, and, when his head stopped moving, he was serious and stoic. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters!”

“Not right now. Not anymore.” Andy let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair, which was shaggy and probably could use a cut. “Just tell me about the woman. What’s going on—why is she here?”

“She was checking on me, I guess. She was concerned about the guy that…” I winced. “You know.”

Andy was quiet, not even thinking, just staring with distant and dazed eyes. Through our time together, part of me had always wondered about an us, but nothing had ever shown me that Andy cared about me in that way—until now. It hadn’t even been his words from before that convinced me; it was right now, the look in his eyes.

I had broken his heart, and it was breaking mine. I hadn’t wanted to… I hadn’t wanted any of this, and I was regretting even telling him. I could’ve lied, could’ve made something up. I could’ve prevented this pain.

“What’s his name?” he said suddenly.

Purposefully, I avoided his face. His expression from before was already burned in my mind, and I didn’t want any other images to cement it. He looked as hurt as Will had been when I…

Cutting off the thought abruptly, I said, “It’s Will. That’s his name.”

Andy released a sigh. “So she was here to check on you for Will?”

“I don’t think he knows about it.” I hesitated. “She… offered us a place to go.”

“No,” he said immediately.

“I know, but what else are we going to do? I was at their castle, Andy, and it’s incredible.” On accident, I went to meet his eyes, probably just out of habit, and I was relieved to find that they’d lost the layers of hurt and remained only skeptical now. I kept on. “They have dozens of open rooms with beds that feel—I mean, do you remember what an actual bed is like? I thought I did, but it was incredible. It was so much better. And there’s a kitchen that’s huge with food I figured was gone forever… like Pringles and Oreos and stuff.”

He perked a little. “Really?”

I nodded, a smile growing. “Yeah, and it’s safe. We wouldn’t have to always be looking over our shoulders. No more running, no more stealing, no more getting hurt.” I registered what my words meant at that point, and I reigned myself back. “I mean, while we’re there. We won’t be there long, just until we work out a plan.”

Andy was quiet; it made me nervous.

“But we don’t have to even go!” tumbled out of my mouth. “I know you probably don’t want to be around Will or for me to be around him, so we could figure something else out.”

Again, he laughed, and I wished he would just yell. “Cass, you don’t get it,” Andy told me. “It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do. Something will bring the two of you back together. So we can go to the castle. It won’t be a blast to be surrounded by evil vampires, but we can make it work.”

“Do you seriously believe that?” I wondered. “How would you even know?”

Andy shrugged. “I’ve read about it. People always talk about it.”

“But you’ve never seen it in person,” I said, and he sighed. “You haven’t, so you can’t really know. I don’t want to be with him, and I never will.”

Andy nodded, though didn’t respond. I went on, “This isn’t forever. I don’t want to be there either, but the situation is good. We should try it, right?”

He clicked his tongue, eyes roaming as he considered. “And they won’t hurt us?” he asked.

I shook my head no, though I still remained uncertain. Will had explained it, said he would never hurt me. I was unsure about that and even more concerned about my wellbeing around the others. I had no idea why I was lying to get Andy to go—did part of me want to go?

He sighed. “Well, okay then.”

Even while having known Andy long enough to know that this was a yes, this decision was so large I felt the need for absolute clarity. “Yes?” I replied. “Despite everything?”

“We have nothing else,” he said, tone more defeated than I had anticipated. “Where could we go where the witches won’t find us? What do we have that would make them stop? How can we have lives?”

I reached for his hand, which was calloused and cold, and I said, “We can do anything so long as we’re together.”

Andy smiled. His eyes didn’t seem to fully be into it, but he looked less upset than before. “Should we go find her now—the vampire?”

With a nod, I tightened my hold on my backpack, Andy as well, and we readied ourselves to seek Grace out. I figured we might have to look around for a bit, maybe walk a few minutes, but, instead, Grace seemed to just materialize next to us, seconds after Andy had spoken.

He jumped a little at her presence but recovered quickly, collecting himself. “Uh, hello,” he said. “My name is Andy.”

“And I am Grace,” Grace replied.

I felt no need to be pleasant. “Were you listening to us?” I demanded. “Just now, were you listening?”

“No,” she said, eyes wide and offended. “I was merely walking around, and,” her tone grew a little hesitant, “I suppose I could hear a few snitbits, but I didn’t listen in. I only came once I was certain you all were done.”

“Let’s just go,” I said tightly, not believing her and bitter that I had trusted her enough to give us some privacy.

The walk was long and made longer by the presence of Grace. Both Andy and I were uncomfortable, and I had been the one trying to convince him to go. As we kept on, I found myself thinking of how much a hypocrite I was to tell Andy that things were safe and that he shouldn’t worry… when I was really terrified myself.

In essence, Grace was a reminder of what we had lost. And there, next to us, she was a threat. It had been a while since I’d last seen a vampire in action, but they could kill within seconds. Their teeth were sharp and hard—unbreakable, to my knowledge—and their skin was soft and cold as my own but like steel in its dexterity. The fingernails of vampires were as hardened as the rest of them, making it simple to jab a long nail right into an artery. The images surrounding the word “vampire” all stayed with Grace right then.

If Grace could tell we were unhappy, she didn’t comment on it, though she walked in front of us stiffly and seemed to shuffle about, maybe unhappy herself. Strangely, I felt bad if I’d hurt her feelings because she hadn’t been a bad person to me—if she even was a person—and had saved my life, actually. And then, thinking that, I would think of how she had plotted and planned to destroy my world, and I would hate her.

The constant flux in my emotions was exhausting, and I spent most of the walk just trying to piece together what was going on in my head. I was trying to rationalize going with Grace and seeing Will again and thinking of what might happen next.

When we got to the road, and I saw the gas station a few feet off, I then took in a long, sleek, and black car off to the side of the street. It was the same sort of car I had been in twice before—when Lukas was bringing me to the High Court and when I was leaving.

“This is it,” said Grace. She walked ahead, speaking to the driver, and Andy and I hung back.

“I have a bad feeling,” he told me.

I glanced at him and took his hand. We stood there for a little while, just like that, nothing exactly romantic about it. Not platonic either. It just was.

Grace walked back to us with a small smile, telling us to get inside. I nodded then and gave Andy’s hand a tight squeeze before letting go, heading forward. He followed behind.

We sat in two seats, right next to one another, on cushions that were comfortable and warm. As soon as we were firmly inside and settled, Grace shut the door and climbed into the front seat, giving us a bizarre illusion of privacy. She could hear everything—the driver, too—but she offered a foot of space.

I didn’t want to talk, strangely. Normally, it was my thing, but I wasn’t sure how Andy was feeling about what I had told him, really. We were usually so in sync, and I was able to read his thoughts, but he was silent now, pondering, and I had no idea what.

There were lots of things that I wanted to tell him, but nothing I would be okay with Grace or a vampire stranger hearing. They were things that I wanted to exist between Andy, me, and the air and earth alone. Grace’s intrusion before had felt like some sort of violation, an unwelcome insertion. I wanted to keep the possibility of that feeling arising again at a minimum.

Andy startled me by speaking, and he spoke once during the entire ride, saying, “Is it a long drive?”

I looked to him and nodded. My eyes then fell to my wrist and its thick, dark brace. It still hurt a bit, but maybe the brace could come off soon, and wouldn’t that be strange? It felt strange to me. A bit ironic, in a way. Full circle.

The memory of Sam putting it on hit me suddenly, the way that Will had looked at me, the way that I had looked back at him. The bond didn’t feel impossible to me now. In a way, I felt it—a sort of strain on my mind and body, something draining, tiring. Its existence seemed entirely real.

Sighing, I rested my head against the window closest to me and tried as hard as I could to block everything from my mind. I imagined that I wasn’t who I was now going where I was but rather a child in the car with her parents on a trip to the coast. I’d rested my head just as I did now as I had back then.

I went through the trip—every game, every look, every comment, all of which I remembered just as I could any current feeling—the cushion on this seat, the coolness of the glass. I went through it all, up until the end.

My eyes opened suddenly, in the present, and I glanced at Andy, who seemed caught off in his own world as well, and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Whatever that meant.

“Are we nearly there?” I said, catching Andy’s attention, who blinked to refocus, as well as Grace’s, who turned in her seat to meet my eyes.

“Nearly,” she spoke, and this was all she said. She turned back around, maybe sensing I didn’t want to see her right then.

We all resumed silence until we arrived.

The winding travel up to the castle itself felt shorter than it had before, probably because every moment wasn’t spent in complete dread. That didn’t go to say that I was relaxed—no, not at all. I think I maybe even felt worse, disappointed in myself for choosing to be here.

I glanced at Andy, only to see him staring up at the castle with wide, impressed eyes. “Didn’t I tell you?” I said. “It’s nice.”

He offered me a real smile, eyes still taking in the place. “It’s all right.”

The car came to a stop outside, and the driver came to quickly open the door for Grace and then Andy and me. Andy got out behind me, slow, looking all around. I could tell his mind was whirling as he took it all in.

I stepped towards Grace and asked quietly, “Is he here?”

“Yes, but the walls are noise cancelling,” she said. “He won’t know you’re here until someone informs him.”

“Don’t tell him yet,” I said, and she pressed her lips together, unhappy, but she nodded.

Andy came to join us as the driver went back into the car, pulling it out of the entry area. My heart was starting to race.

A heavy moment passed between the three of us.

“Well, let’s go inside,” Grace said finally, turning her back to the two of us. “I can show you to your rooms. How does that sound?”

“Sounds great,” Andy said when I didn’t respond, the two of us following her in.

“This place is a bit of a maze, but follow me and I’ll get you to your rooms all right,” Grace said, turning to give us a quick smile that neither of us reciprocated before walking straight. She kept a fair and slow, very human gait that I appreciated, though I wouldn’t say it aloud.

Andy was a little behind me, staring all around at the decorations and beauty of the place, but he kept up fine, so I didn’t say anything. Myself, I was trying hard not to look around. I didn’t want to be reminded of being here the first time. It was bizarre but I kept thinking that I could convince myself this was a new place.

Our footsteps weren’t loud, but they were the only sounds I could detect, and I feared someone would come for us. Oddly, I wasn’t afraid for my safety or Andy’s, despite the threat of death that had hung over my head the first time I’d come. I was just scared Will would come. I didn’t want to face him.

I knew that I had to. Eventually. But that would be later.

“So Cassandra,” Grace said, “you’ll be in the room you were in last time. Andy will be right across the hall.”

With a start, I gazed around, noticing a few familiar paintings and knew that we were getting close to the guest bedrooms. “Yeah, okay,” I said, just as we rounded the corner to the hallway our rooms were connected to.

Grace took us down it, stopping in the middle of the hall, between my old door and Andy’s new one. Would you both like a moment to collect yourselves?” she asked.

Collect ourselves for what? “Yes, please,” Andy said, before I could even ask.

Grace turned to leave, and I waited a few moments before stepping towards him and whispering, “What was that for?”

“What?” he asked, shrugging and going to open his door.

He stepped inside, and I took a peek. Andy’s room was very similar to my own, if not identical. The layout of the two of them reminded me of hotels.

He turned around in the doorway. “I think I might take a shower,” Andy said. “I’m pretty dirty… and it’d be good to have some time to think.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“I’ll see you after, okay?” He gave me an off smile, which had me thinking he might be mad. “And then you can give me a tour.”

“Sure,” I said, and then Andy shut his door.

I leaned against my door for a moment, staring at the place he had been standing, mind racing in extremely different directions. I didn’t know what to do; normally I did. Normally I could figure what was best and be sure in my decision. It felt like, after having met Will, I didn’t know anything anymore.

Everything had been a mess since Will. Yes, now Andy and I were both safe physically, but I was a mess inside. I felt like I was losing my best friend and my choice at a future that I wanted, not some future that was being forced upon me. I was terrified, and I had no idea how I was going to face Will again.

I went for a walk, my good hand idly unstrapping and then strapping my wrist brace. I hadn’t felt lost like this in a good while. After losing my parents, I’d had to learn fast, be self reliant, and I had been for so long. I’d known what to do. I knew myself.

Now it was like…

“Cassandra?”

Looking up, I saw Lukas standing a few paces away. I must’ve walked further than I thought because I was in some part of the castle I didn’t recognize—though, to be fair, everything just looked the same. “Uh, hi,” I said.

He approached me slowly, offering time for me to run, but I didn’t. Lukas said, “You came back.”

“I’m starting to think that was a mistake,” I replied.

His mouth set. “You need to see Will.”

“Yeah… no thanks.”

“No. We’re going.” Lukas suddenly seemed too close to me, and the memory of him snapping my wrist came to mind.

“Okay,” I said, heart racing. “I guess we’re going.”

To Will.