BUTTERFLY

ENTRY

There are a few steps to fly, progress is imperative and my eyes can see the date of my death. I am rotting away under cruel hands, my smile is perhaps my greatest weapon.

A few leaves that had just blossomed were blown in the calm wind. Although the people of the land of butterflies, whose lives consisted of their hopes, smiled as they watched the green leaves coloring the forest, the early spring was a harbinger of a harsh winter. While the people were happily ending the day as if they were not hungry, the royal family, who relied on the prosperity of the palace, was preparing a lavish dinner. Servants were preparing dishes they would never even taste, and carefully arranging crystal glasses they would never use on the table.

I watched the colorful wings of butterflies circling around the palace in preparation for the festivities to mark the arrival of spring. Watching them fly freely always made me jealous. I had only walked for a few minutes when fatigue overcame me and I looked for a place to sit down. I slowly held my breath and looked around so that I wouldn't be seen breathing faster. Even though it made me more tired, it would be to my detriment to show it.

As much as I wanted to leave myself in the green grass, I knew that the Mistress Seli, who was following me behind me, would be angry, so I moved to the nearest flower, trying to act as calm as possible. I was hiding my condition so that they would not realize that my cocooning period was approaching, because as soon as they realized, they would immediately cocoon me.

Facing the sun, the Asian tulip moved when it sensed my approach and opened its petals to offer me a place to sit. I smiled as its newly produced pollen rose into the air and spread around, and gently sat down on the corner of one of its wide petals. With my pollen loving instincts, my wing, which had been standing alone on my right shoulder, moved tiny by tiny.

I had always been in love with flowers, plants were my life and I could feel that they loved me too. Even if they didn't have the right words to speak, I could understand what they meant by their feelings. That I was already a flower butterfly was revealed by the Barcode that appeared on my body after the first cocoon. The Barcode was the marking that every butterfly receives after the first cocoon, which allows us to understand what our abilities are and guides us for the steps we will take in our lives. The colorful flower and leaf patterns on certain parts of my body symbolized my connection with plants. Every time I stepped out into the sun, they were warm and glowed like fairy dust. I think flowers were the only thing I was lucky with in my life.

I stroked the leaves of my flower and smiled at its slightly groggy mood as it had just woken up from hibernation. They were so scared that they wouldn't wake up from hibernation before I left, I didn't want to go. I was scared that I would leave before they woke up.

I took a deep breath and watched the wings of the courtiers as they flew from one place to another. As their hair fluttered in the wind, it seemed as if freedom was all theirs. And I didn't have a shred of that freedom. I didn't know if one day I would be like them, or if I would face my death, which everyone was looking forward to. I glanced at my lonely wing. I had only one hope left, only one chance for the other one to come out. I was so afraid that this chance would be as futile as the others, so I kept stretching my cocoon.

Of course I knew that it would be an unprecedented miracle if my wing would grow, but the hope was so strong that it tore my body apart. And I knew that my other wing had to come out, because if it didn't, I would end up like the one winged butterflies before me, buried alive in the ground and suffocated to death.

This was how we paid for the sins of our ancestors against the gods, we were the ones who burned. I mean me. In a way, I was God's application of the saying 'the old burns with the young'. Or whoever caused it. Even though everyone kept saying that God was the cause of all this, I didn't have much faith in all this.

Nor did I believe that when I was sacrificed to God, I would open my eyes in God's world and become his servant. There were only a few sheep around me who would kill me in the name of a superstition, that's all.

"Are you tired, my princess?" Mistress Seli asked, the thoughts swirling in my head had made me feel sleepy.

Even though I tried not to show my tiredness, it was very difficult to escape the sharp eyes of Mistress Seli. It had been a week since I had tried to cope with this tiredness and I had hidden myself very well. Even though my condition was getting worse every day, I wanted to continue spending time in this palace where I was born, even if it was just for a few hours. I wanted to spend time with my flowers and enjoy the warm sun... No, no, not that! I just wanted to live. But of course I was aware that my end was near.

"I feel a bit sluggish today, I guess I didn't get enough sleep." I replied and smiled, trying to prove that it was true. But I had always been a bad liar, that's what Mistress Seli always said. "Your cocooning period was supposed to have come last week, you're not trying to postpone it are you Princess?" she said and gave me one of her stern looks over her glasses. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun, making her wide forehead look wider than usual. It would be nice if someone told her that this hairstyle didn't suit her. I couldn't, of course, I would be punished.

Even though she was the one who raised me and even breastfed me, she was not very warm towards me. She usually scolded me and told me how weak I was. To be honest, I felt better on the days when the other Mistresses were with me. While they tried to make my last days go smoothly, Mistress Seli usually did her best to make me miserable.

"It's not always day to day, mom, you know that." I said and stood up, thinking that if I sat any longer I would make myself obvious. Even though I felt dizzy and my eyes darkened, I was used to not being able to see clearly since I had been experiencing this continuously for a few days. Taking a deep breath, I touched the tulip, pretending to love it, but in reality I was waiting for the dizziness to pass.

The sweet tulip sadly held its leaf out to me, it could feel my tiredness and fear. Even though I didn't say anything so that Mistress Seli wouldn't hear, it could tell from my demeanor that I was in a very difficult situation. After all, I had raised it. Smiling, I tried to show that it was nothing for it to worry about. I didn't want to leave my flowers worried and sad behind.

Like all the flowers in this garden, I had been taking care of it since it was just a bud, so there was a mother child bond between us. At first, I started taking care of them because there was not much I could do in the palace and because I loved flowers, but over time I made a habit of it and began to see them as my children. I think I'd miss them the most.

Oh, if I didn't grow another wing, my life would be upside down! Or rather, I probably wouldn't have a life! I didn't believe in God, so I was sure I was going to die. "I feel hungry, is it time for dinner yet?" I said as I continued walking. I felt like I was going to faint, no matter how much I put it off, my body was trying to convince me to cocoon and was constantly pushing my mind to sleep. As I urgently needed to sit down and recharge my energy, the dining table was more than suitable. Even though the king and especially the queen would be there, I had no choice. As is often the case.

"The table is being prepared now, my princess, let us go if you wish, the table will be finished by the time we arrive." Said Mistress Seli. I nodded quickly and changed my path. As the butterfly princess of the country, I guess I could be both the luckiest and the unluckiest person in the world. I mean, according to Mistress Seli, I was a very lucky person. I had every opportunity at my disposal, whatever I wanted would happen instantly, and I never had to do anything. But what they ignored was that not even an iota of freedom was included in these opportunities. And the fact that I had been preparing for death since I was a child was of course something they tried to normalize. They acted as if they were all going through the same thing and I was making too much of it.

On the other hand, according to Mistress Seli, there were children dying of hunger outside. This was terrible! The government should have done something about it, there were enough resources in the world for all of us, and if we shared the resources in the palace alone, people would be richer. But they laughed at me when I said this. They said that if we weren't richer, it wouldn't matter if we were royalty, and so on and so forth, but I think the end of all their sentences was their greed.

Children were starving because of the greedy.

When we reached the dining hall of the palace, my family started to come down. Mistress Seli pulled the seat I always sat in and helped me to sit down, as if I would break my arm if I pulled my seat myself, their protective behavior was not foreign to me. This was the treatment I had experienced since I was a child.

I was going to die soon anyway; it didn't matter if my arm was broken or not.

When my brother and sister sat down at the table, my brother rubbed his palms together and glanced at the table. The two of them generally preferred to pretend I didn't exist. They hardly ever met me outside the dinner table. I knew they did it on purpose, of course, they were avoiding me. I shrugged inwardly as I watched the two of them, this might be the last time I would see them. Of course, I knew I couldn't go on like this, I would probably last until tomorrow at the latest. I just needed to fall asleep to cocoon, I hadn't slept for a few days and I couldn't take the lack of sleep any longer. I sighed and looked at my brother's eyes watching the food on the table.

"I'm ravenous." He said and slowly started to fill his plate. He always looked so serious when he ate, as if he was trying to solve a life or death problem. My sister, like me, was waiting for the king and queen to arrive to follow table etiquette. Honestly, I would have loved to throw etiquette out the window and act with my brother without a care in the world.

Could I do on my last day what I had always dreamed of? Could I sit down to dinner as if I were free and accountable to no one and eat with my mouth full of joy! I could do it!

When I decided to eat freely like my brother, I felt myself trembling inwardly, and out of the corner of my eye I glanced at the skirts of Mistress Seli standing behind me. I raised my hand and slowly reached for the fork. But at that moment the king and queen entered through the great door of the dining hall, followed by an army of Mistresses and Gentlemen, and I quickly withdrew my hand as if I had thrown it into a fire.

I was not a brave woman and I suppose I never would be. I was brave only in speech, but when it came to action I was a fool and a trembler. I often hated myself for it. I couldn't do the smallest thing that crossed my mind and heart, not even on what was probably the last day of my life. In fact, the king scared me a lot since I was a little girl and even if I decided to do something I wanted to do, just thinking about him made me give up in fear. Even though he was my father, I never made peace with him. I always shuddered when I saw him.

Yet he had never raised his voice to me until now. But ever since I was a child, I couldn't help but be scared of his eyes and his huge body. I even remember running to my room crying in fear when he called me to him to put a flower crown on my head on Flower Day. I don't remember him saying a single word to me since then. He never even looked me in the eye, or he did and I didn't know it because I wasn't looking at him.

My sister and I stood up and greeted the king and queen as they came to the table. The king waited for the queen to sit down, and then sat down himself. As he sat broadly in his chair and looked at the table with a strong demeanor, his eyes caught my brother who was busy eating his meal. There was anger on his face. When I saw his look, I immediately turned away and looked for something else to look at.

My sister caught my eye, and when our eyes met, she smiled at me, more of a reflex smile than a real smile. Nevertheless, I smiled back with a real smile. Behind her, her colorful wings had grown as far as the eye could see. But like the wings of every butterfly in the country, they looked tiny next to my brother's.

"Misure, when will you learn table manners!" When the king said that, the smile I offered to my sister slowly faded from my face. It looked like there was going to be a fight again. My sister and I slowly took our seats and listened to the almost daily conversation. "Dad, don't be so nervous, it's just us, what's the need for stupid contractions?" My brother said with his mouth full of food. He literally spoke with his mouth full of food, he never cared about such things. I so much wanted to be like him!

"I will entrust you with this kingdom!" Said the king in a loud voice. His deep voice made me flinch. I felt them looking at me out of the corner of my eye, then he cleared his throat and continued in a lower tone. "How can the people trust a king who does not follow our culture and traditions?" he said and picked up the fork in front of him. My brother shrugged and looked at me, but quickly averted his gaze. I guess his rebellious spirit decided to follow the rules only when it came to me. "Don't bother me, eat your food." He said, dropping his voice.

Always like this. Whoever's eyes fell on me, the heat would die down and the subject would be closed. I wasn't sure if they felt guilt, but they should have. Because the sin of all our ancestors had fallen on my neck and I was the only one who would pay for it, not counting the victims before me. There were two whose attitude towards me had not softened, Mistress Seli and, of course, the queen.

Everyone was silent for a while, I put a few pieces on my plate and started to eat in silence. It was easier to bear things when no one was talking. The obligations imposed on me were too much, and seeing my family fighting around me all the time made me tired.

"Isn't it time for your cocoon?" The queen suddenly asked. Her voice was so loud in the silence that I startled and dropped the fork in my hand. A small sob escaped my mouth. Out of the corner of my eye, I looked at the meat on my clothes and Mistress Seli immediately grabbed a napkin, ran to me and started wiping me down. Normally she would have scolded me, but in the presence of the queen, she left the scolding to her.

"That's right, my queen." I said and took the new fork that was handed to me. The queen waited for a while for Mistress Seli to finish cleaning me. "Your timid cat like behavior still catches my eye." She said quietly, a look of disgust on her face. She put down the fork and knife and wiped her mouth in a manner worthy of her reputation. Even though I was very similar to her in appearance, our character was completely different. She was headstrong, tough and ruthless, while I couldn't even lower my eyebrows at those who shouted at me. When I did, a few minutes were enough for the offense to pass. I would forget quickly what was done to me.

"Why haven't you cocooned yet? The Board is getting restless." Her stern demeanor was the same as always, I'd never seen her smile, never seen her cry. The queen was someone I wanted to choose as a role model but knew I would never succeed. "You care what the Board says, my queen, but you don't care what life is like for the people." I said and smiled, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction. I was already burdened with enough responsibility, and I wasn't going to be silent about the way she treated me. I wouldn't mince my words, of course, but just because I couldn't hold a grudge didn't mean I was a person without a line.

The Queen's face immediately showed that she was not happy with my answer. She furrowed her shapely white brows and placed the red embroidered napkin on the table. The King, of course, ignored me as usual. He certainly did not interfere with me or interfere with what I said. Or rather, he didn't engage with me. It could have been because I was scared and ran away that day, or maybe his old soul couldn't take it and he just ignored it and covered it up.

"Madam, you are very loud, it is time for you to go to your room." Said the queen, her authoritarian attitude was not only directed at me, but it still bothered me. She always showed the same face to my sister and brother, as if she would compromise herself if she smiled at us. But this was not motherhood. The mothers in the books I read fit the mother profile more. Although the queen did breastfeed my sister and brother, but not me.

I wiped my mouth with the napkin in front of me and slowly stood up. It was my last day! Was I going to go quietly! "I would be delighted, because sitting at your table makes me unhappy because of you, the queen." I said and turned away, ignoring her eyes, which were widening with anger. The darkness that descended on my eyes seemed to last longer than usual as I felt a sudden dizziness again. Under a yellow light, a man leaning against a small tree was resting with his eyes closed. As the crushed leaves rustled beneath my feet, I saw the butterfly wing the man held in his hand, my wing. My left wing, which had been missing since I was born, was next to it.

I took a step forward, involuntarily extending my hands towards him. "That wing belongs to me." As I said this, his dark brows furrowed and he opened his eyes. As his yellow eyes shone, a warm wind blew around me and the leaves blew and the sunlight made me feel warm. The wild trees of the forest that surrounded the palace were smiling at me. I was smiling too, pleased to meet them. Each of them had centuries of knowledge, but my little mind could not yet grasp the meaning of what they had to tell me.

My brother plucked a huge apple from the tree he was climbing and looked at me. I raised my head and covered my face with my hand because the sunlight was bothering my eyes. " Brother, it looks so good!" I said, jumping with excitement. A proud smile formed on his face and he came down quickly. He couldn't fly because his wings were still too small, but he was very balanced and agile, so he could climb up and down anywhere with ease. "What do you think girlie, your brother will bring you the best." He said and handed me a red apple. Maybe he had learned to climb so he could give me what I wanted. But he was never afraid of heights. I admired him.

Then, excitedly, I took the juicy apple he handed me and took a bite. The tiny, lonely wing on my back was shaking all the time. "Does it taste good?" my brother said as he wiped the tree resin on his hands. My eyes widened at this. I hurriedly took a napkin out of the basket on my arm and handed it to him.

"Wipe your hand with this, the gentlemen will get angry with you again." I said quickly. The apple pieces in my mouth scattered around because I was talking fast. When I realized this, I covered my mouth, but the apple juice was running down my chin. A few pieces of apple splashed on my brother. I wasn't embarrassed, I laughed because I thought it was funny. My brother laughed too and took the napkin from my hand and stuck it to my mouth.

"You keep your mouth shut first, I don't care if they get angry." He said shrugging his shoulders and turned away. "They will be angry that I brought you here today, never mind. You'll see when I don't give you to them if your other wing doesn't come out. Their mouths will be open." He said proudly and put his hands on his waist and raised his head. My eyes exploded as I admired him. The sun illuminating her face made the color of her blonde hair even brighter. I thought he looked like a superhero, the superhero who would save me.

A cold breeze was seeping through a hole in the small place where I was lying. For a long time this wind had been blowing on my arm and it was cold and aching. I took a deep inhalation and smelled the scent of autumn's fallen leaves, which wafted in with the wind. I couldn't help but frown, it was only spring, what was this autumn smell!

I moved and the small space I was in rustled. This rustling sounded familiar from somewhere, but I couldn't make out what it was.

I tried to think about where I had been last time, but it was as if the wind was seeping into my head and making a mess of everything. I took a deep breath again and tried to move to get out of where I was. My body was numb, last time my brother and I were eating an apple, the taste was still in my mouth. The juice of the apple seemed to be on my tongue, sweet like honey.

I shook my head from side to side, trying to regain my composure because the thought was absurd. What I thought I had just experienced must have been a dream, because my brother and I were small children. When I tried to move again, I felt that my body was stronger, the ground I was in rustled as if I were among dry leaves. I moved my legs and sat on my knees with difficulty. I realized then that I had never opened my eyes.

I moved my tingling and numb body a little and threw my head back and relaxed my neck. I was experiencing an incredibly familiar moment, it was like déjà vu and I felt as if I had done this over and over again. When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the branches and yellow leaves of the tree lying in the blue sky. The air was so hot that I was sweating profusely.

I was startled to hear a sad cry, my body suddenly opened up, as if my recovery depended on outside intervention. So was my mind.

I was coming out of the cocoon!

I lowered my head and looked quickly at the small cocoon I had emerged from. Then I turned in the direction of the voice and saw Mistress Seli watching me, the sad voice had come from her. I didn't dare look at my wings. "My child." Mistress Seli said and flew quickly to my side. Her usual stern, soulless expression was gone, replaced by fear and sadness. This alone gave me enough information for my wings.

"Mom, what am I going to do!" I could only say. When I turned around, my wing, bigger and brighter than before, was all alone again. My throat was dry, though it was already dry because I hadn't eaten or drunk anything for a long time. I reached out my trembling hands and touched Mistress Seli's, the old woman's wrinkled hands responded immediately. She took my hands and looked into my eyes. A huge fear gathered inside me, and with it sadness. My hopes were crushed, and if I could have cried, I think I would have sobbed.

It had been a long time since I cried, a very long time. So much so that I had forgotten what it felt like to cry. I had been told that I was weak and powerless all the time. To prove that I wasn't weak, I stopped crying and started smiling at everything. It was silly, but it made sense when I was little, and over time it became a habit I couldn't break.

Unlike me, Mrs. Seli was crying, although I always thought that this woman who raised me didn't love me. But I could see that underneath all her bad behavior, she cared about me, and when my only hope, the last cocoon, failed, she let herself go. I closed my eyes, I guess my real nightmare would start after that.