GROWING INTO US

Things Only we Know

By Friday afternoon, Tristan had already decided that the week had been too long. His grades were bothering him, and somehow, his own thoughts were bothering him most of all. He stared at the test paper on his desk. Eighty-two percent. It wasn't a terrible score, but it wasn't enough. At least, not according to the expectations waiting for him at home.

"You're doing it again."

Tristan looked up. Spencer was standing beside his desk.

"Doing what?"

"Staring at your test paper like you want to apologize."

Tristan smiled despite himself. "I could've done better."

"You always say that."

"Because it's true."

Spencer pulled the chair beside him closer and sat down. "Tristan, you're not competing against everyone."

"My parents think I should."

"I'm not your parents."

Tristan looked at him. "I know."

Spencer lowered his voice. "And I'm your boyfriend."

The word made Tristan's heart jump. Nobody was around them, but hearing Spencer say it still felt dangerous. They had agreed to keep their relationship private, not because they were ashamed of each other, but because neither of them was ready to deal with their parents' questions. Tristan wasn't even sure how his parents would react.

Spencer reached underneath the desk and briefly touched Tristan's hand. "You don't have to prove anything to me."

Tristan squeezed his fingers. "Thank you."

For a moment, everything felt right.

Then the classroom door opened.

Sofia walked in carrying her sketchbook.

"Are you two studying?"

Spencer quickly moved his hand away. "Something like that."

Sofia looked between them. "You both look suspicious."

Tristan laughed. "We're just talking about my test."

"Ah."

She sat across from them. "Then I won't interrupt."

"You already did," Spencer said.

Sofia smiled. "You're welcome."

The three of them laughed.

It was becoming normal.

Lunch together. Walking between classes together. Studying after school. Small conversations that gradually turned into real friendship.

Sofia was surprisingly easy to talk to. She didn't ask questions that made Tristan uncomfortable, and she never seemed impressed by Spencer's intelligence. Instead, she teased him about it.

"You know, Spencer," she said one afternoon, "being smart isn't a personality."

"I never said it was."

"You don't have to. Your grades say it for you."

Tristan laughed.

Spencer rolled his eyes. "I regret becoming friends with both of you."

"You don't mean that," Tristan said.

Spencer looked at him.

"No. I don't."

Something about the way he said it made Tristan's smile disappear for a second.

There was warmth in Spencer's eyes. Something private. Something meant only for him.

After school, Tristan and Spencer walked toward the library. Sofia had already left.

"You were quiet today," Spencer said.

"I'm always quiet."

"Not with me."

Tristan smiled. "Maybe I'm tired."

Spencer stopped walking.

"Is something wrong?"

Tristan hesitated. There were so many things he could have said.

I'm scared I'm not good enough.

I'm scared my parents will never be proud of me.

I'm scared I'll disappoint everyone.

And perhaps most importantly—

I'm scared I'll lose you.

Instead, he said, "Nothing."

Spencer studied his face. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I know."

"Then why don't you?"

Tristan looked away. Because sometimes saying something out loud makes it real.

Before Spencer could say anything else, Tristan stepped closer.

"Can we just forget about everything for today?"

Spencer smiled softly. "Okay."

They continued walking. At the corner near the library, Spencer suddenly pulled Tristan toward a quieter hallway.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking a shortcut."

"That's not a shortcut."

"Maybe I wanted to be alone with you."

Tristan's heart raced.

Spencer leaned against the wall. For once, he wasn't the brilliant student who always knew what to say. He was simply Spencer.

Tristan's Spencer.

"I miss this," Spencer said.

"What?"

"Us."

Tristan looked at him. "We're together every day."

"That's not what I mean."

Spencer reached for his hand.

"I mean when it's just you and me."

Tristan smiled. "I miss it too."

For a few seconds, neither spoke.

Then Spencer gently rested his forehead against Tristan's.

"You know something?"

"What?"

"You don't have to have your entire life figured out right now."

Tristan closed his eyes. "Maybe I needed to hear that."

"I know."

"How do you always know?"

Spencer smiled. "I don't."

He squeezed Tristan's hand.

"I'm just trying to learn."

Tristan opened his eyes.

And suddenly, the future didn't seem quite as frightening.

Maybe he didn't need all the answers.

Maybe he only needed someone willing to stay while he searched for them.

Neither of them noticed Sofia standing at the far end of the hallway.

She had returned to retrieve her sketchbook.

She saw them together.

She didn't say anything.

She simply turned around and walked away.

For now, it was only a secret.

But secrets rarely stayed that way forever.