This Is Love

2

“You know, you’re probably right,” I said. “She used to like it and now she doesn’t. Besides, she doesn’t remember Tyler either. And you should have seen her after I mentioned the song we danced to at our wedding. She remembered. I could see it on her face. She’s remembering me.” I ran my hand along the side of his small cheek. “She’s remembering us. And she’ll remember that Tyler is just a friend.”

But what if her memories didn’t all come back at once? What if she started to remember from the beginning when she liked both Tyler and me? Like in her manuscript I had just given her to read…

“You know what, little dude? I need to cut out a little early tonight. I know, I know.” I leaned down and kissed his forehead. “When our family is put back together again you’ll be thanking me. I need to go pull a grand romantic gesture to keep her attention on us.”

I stared at him squirming in my arms. “I know she doesn’t always like grand gestures, but she’ll like this one.” I had been carrying her engagement ring around in my pocket for days. I wanted to give it back to her, but something had been stopping me. It felt like I needed to ask her again. I was going to get down on one knee and ask her to choose me. I needed to hear her say I was what she wanted. And I wanted her to know how much I loved her too.

I knew it was just a movie. Just a keychain. Maybe it meant something in the past, but it didn’t now. The Penny I knew didn’t seem to like this movie anymore. She definitely didn’t mention it because it was no longer her favorite, not because she was hiding some deep love for Tyler. Now I just needed her to remember.

The doctors had told me to take it slow. To ease her back into her life. But slow was killing me. Nothing Penny and I did had ever been slow. “I’m going to go win your mother back once and for all.”

Liam just stared at me.

“It’s not a bad idea. You’ll see, little dude.”

He had no reaction.

“I promise I’m thinking straight despite the fact that I’m exhausted.” As if on cue, I yawned. “I’m not even that tired,” I said through another yawn. I motioned for the nurse in the hall to come put him back in his incubator. “Next time I see you, I’ll be whole again. And your mom’s going to remember you. And we’ll be one big happy family.” I pulled him close to my chest. Please don’t make me a liar, Penny. Please remember.

I took a deep breath, wishing my lungs could do the work for Liam’s weak ones. “I love you.” I kissed the side of his forehead. “I’ll be back in the morning. Keep breathing for us.” But really I meant keep breathing for me. Because if his little heart stopped, I was afraid mine would too.

Monday - James

I wanted to be able to propose the same way I had the first time around. But I couldn’t leave New York again. Liam and Scarlett needed me here. I just had to think of something similar to me popping the question in the coffee shop.

Penny didn’t remember our favorite pizza place here in the city. Or where we had our wedding. Or where we danced in Central Park under the stars. She didn’t remember anything here and had only really spent time in our apartment. An apartment proposal didn’t feel romantic enough.

Maybe Liam was right. Maybe this was a bad idea. I almost laughed out loud. Liam hadn’t said anything. The whole conversation we’d shared had just been me talking to myself. But I liked bouncing ideas off of him. The NICU was the one place where it felt like I could be open with everything I was thinking. As long as one of the nurses wasn’t in the room.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and felt the ring. I should have just given it back to her when she woke up. But I saw the way she looked down at the tan lines on her ring finger. She looked appalled. The same way she looked at me.

I was trying to be strong for her. But I wasn’t sure how much more I could take without breaking down. She didn’t realize how important she was. Liam and Scarlett needed her just as much as I did. Scarlett. I needed to talk to her again. If she kept saying stuff like Penny wasn’t her mom, Penny would feel like she truly wasn’t. I needed Scarlett to believe that Penny was coming back as much as I believed it. I just hoped that the idea of Penny remembering didn’t turn out to be a figment of my imagination. Lying to myself was one thing. Lying to my daughter was another. I tried to focus on the ring in my pocket again instead of my dismal reality.

I sighed. It didn’t have to be a grand proposal. I’d just ask Penny if she’d do me the honor of wearing the ring again. Of taking a leap of faith on her family.

The fresh air made it a little easier to breathe. And the image of Penny closing her eyes and waiting for a kiss came back to me. She wanted me. And she was reading the beginning of our love story all night. She’d want me more when I got back than she did when I’d left.

I took a deep breath and stopped in front of the doors of our apartment building. I wanted to walk back into our apartment and see her face light up like it always used to. I wanted her to run over to me and throw her arms around the back of my neck as I pulled her in for a kiss. I wanted my life back.

I closed my eyes and prayed to a God I wasn’t sure if I believed in. Please let everything go back to normal. Please let her remember. I promised to be a better man for her. A better father to my children. I wouldn’t get lost in work. I’d be present and listen to what they wanted instead of assuming what they must want.

Penny asked for space while she remembered. I opened my eyes. It was true, she had asked for space. But she didn’t look at me like she wanted space. She stared at me like she wanted anything but space between us. And even though I wanted to respect her boundaries, I wasn’t sure if she was being true to herself either.