This Is Love

6

“You think she likes him?”

“Of course not. But in her 19-year-old mind, before she met you, apparently she had a thing for guys with blonde hair and blue eyes.”

“And you didn’t think this was important for me to know?”

“I’m telling you now. And I thought I took care of it. I told her that he was married. I told her that you’re her type. I told her everything I was supposed to. You’re acting like I don’t have your back here…but I do. I’m on your side, James.”

I pictured Penny knocking on Tyler’s door. And putting her head on his shoulder as they watched her favorite movie. And him squeezing her ass. And her hand groping his abs. “I’m going to kill him.”

“She’s not at Tyler’s, James. She went for a walk.”

I dialed Ian’s number.

“I’m in the middle of a Jen emergency, James,” Ian said when he finally answered. “If there’s any way that this can wait until tomorrow…”

“Where the hell is Penny?”

The awkward silence stretched for too many seconds.

“Tell me right f*****g now, Ian.” Again, the pain seared across my chest. I’d been feeling it ever since my surgery, but I hoping it wasn’t really related. I knew what having a cardiac episode felt like now. This? I was pretty sure my heart was breaking in two. It had been ever since Penny didn’t wake up. Ever since she didn’t recognize my face. Ever since our daughter had become a stranger to her. Ever since she didn’t recognize Liam in her arms.

But this might be worse. It was all my worst fears coming true. Penny was finally waking up…to the fact that I wasn’t the right choice all those years ago. I couldn’t fix our lives if she left me. “Ian.”

“I…” his voice trailed off. “She told me I could go. She said she was heading right back to the apartment.” There was a shuffling of papers. “I’m so sorry, James. I’m heading back now, I…”

“It’s fine. I know where she is.”

“Oh. Geez. You nearly gave me a heart attack. I mean…” his voice trailed off and he awkwardly cleared his throat.

“It’s fine,” I said again, even though I didn’t believe my own words. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

I hung up the phone and slid it back into my pocket. “I’ll be back in a bit. Could you keep an eye on Scarlett?” I tried to say it as cheerily as possible even though it felt like dark clouds were forming in my mind.

“Where are you going?”

I wasn’t even sure why she asked. She knew exactly where I was going.

“Don’t do anything stupid. She doesn’t remember her life, James. You’re holding her accountable and she doesn’t remember. You need to cut her some slack.”

Why, so that she’ll leave me? I swallowed down the words instead of voicing them. There was no point in lying to Melissa. I was planning on pounding Tyler’s face until he

Monday - James

When I had stepped out of the hospital earlier today it felt like I could finally breathe again. But now? The night was hot and humid. It felt more like the buildings were caving in around me. Like the sidewalk was cracking under my feet. Like my whole world was being destroyed.

Here I was planning a f*****g re-proposal and she was what? Sucking Tyler’s c**k?

A drop of rain hit the top of my head. I looked up to see the storm clouds above me through the darkened sky. Every time it rained, I thought of her. I always would. But she wouldn’t be thinking about me. I tried to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

Penny looked the same. She smelled the same. But she wasn’t the same. Was this how people felt when their spouses died? Like their world was caving in around them? That’s how I felt. Like the Penny I knew and loved was gone. Like she had been taken from me far too soon. And I couldn’t get her back. No matter how hard I f*****g tried to recreate our lives. Or show her that I cared. None of it mattered. Because one person caring in a relationship wasn’t enough.

It started raining harder. Each drop felt like it seared my skin. I needed to stop before I did something I regretted. I needed to turn around and go back to my apartment. But my feet kept moving forward.

I didn’t want to believe any of this was real. It was like Penny and I were on a broken wheel. Every time something went wrong in our relationship, she went back to Tyler. How many times could she run back to him before it stuck? How many times was she going to try to break me?

It felt like tears were running down my cheeks, but I couldn’t really tell. It was pouring now. I was soaked from head to toe. I wished that I felt numb. I wished I never knew what it was like to feel this way. But if that was true, I never would have felt what it was like to be loved either. To love. I didn’t know how to f*****g live without her love.

My feet suddenly stopped. And I knew it wasn’t rain on my cheeks. I broke down in the middle of a busy sidewalk in NYC and started crying. I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the ground and let myself cry. I let the grief of losing her overtake me. I let the feeling of hopeless take over.

I saw a dollar bill fall to the ground in front of me. Someone had mistaken me for a homeless person. A small act of compassion should have been able to improve my mood. But it didn’t. It just made me feel worse. Because someone thinking I was homeless was fitting. The dollar bill blurred in front of me. Penny was home to me. And I had lost her. I had lost the only home I had ever really known.