Ordinary Lives: Deniz

7

''Deniz, drink your tea before it gets cold, son. Here...''

''Thank you Mirem mother. You make me this tea every day without hesitation and it tastes great, but what does it do? It's like mixed herbal tea.''

''It's okay, my son. It's a family recipe I prepared to strengthen the immune system. After everything you've done for us, it's the least I can do.''

Deniz found Mirem's friendly attitude very warm, he had warmed up to her like a real mother. On the other hand, he had been drinking this tea every morning for the last five months and had begun to feel a movement in his lower body. Of course, he wasn't so shameless as to ask if this herbal tea was good for impotence, but he seemed certain of it.

His marriage to Katherina was going very well, Kat's mother Mirem was partially aware of their condition, so it was no problem for them to sleep in separate rooms. Deniz took Kat and Mirem out and shopping whenever he had the chance, he didn't want them to feel lonely or lacked of anything. Deniz had become a real family man, everyone looking from the outside said that Deniz seemed happier and healthier somehow. The only problem was his physiological condition. They had gone to the clinic for artificial insemination twice in the last five months, but they hadn't gotten any results because of his impotence. The drugs the doctor had given him had serious side effects on his body, so he had difficulty taking them, but he also knew that he had to solve this problem urgently. At this point, the herbal tea Mirem had prepared seemed to be helping Deniz's impotence problem, but his problems were not over. Every time Deniz m*sturbated, he would wake up screaming with nightmares and panic attacks that same night, and Kat and Mirem would have to run to his room and calm him down for minutes. Instead of going to a psychologist as they both insisted, Deniz was slowly backing away from the idea because he was embarrassed. In fact, he was aware that he needed psychological help as much as they say, but there was nothing he could do, the denial mechanism deeply rooted in his brain was preventing him from activating. In fact, another reason was added to this denial. Deniz could not suppress his feelings and desires for Ivan. Having such feelings for someone he had never seen or spoken to before was straining Deniz's psychology even more, and this man was his wife's elder brother. Even though Deniz tried to give all his attention to Murat, it was no use. Murat had no other quality left for Deniz other than being a good colleague. As if all this were not enough, when Deniz connected Katherina's phone to his laptop to transfer the wedding photos, he had secretly downloaded a few photos of Ivan to his laptop. This situation created an extra sense of guilt in Deniz.

''Deniz, we have to go to the clinic today at two o'clock, don't forget our appointment.'' Kat had high hopes for Deniz, they were on very good terms and she was sure that love would develop between them in time, she was confident because she knew she was a very beautiful woman. She was sure that once they got over their only problem there would be no obstacle between them. According to the doctor, her ovaries were more than sufficient, so she was sure that even on the first try she would be able to have the child he longed for.

"Don't worry, I didn't forget the doctor's appointment." This time, Deniz was more than confident that he could provide the necessary samples. Seeing the hope in Kat's eyes made him feel a little more guilty, but he somehow managed to maintain his peace of mind by reminding himself over and over that this was also a signed agreement...

*********

"Kat, I know the delivery is in a month, but I need to go to America urgently to see Ivan, please forgive me."

"Why mom? Did something happen to my brother? Please tell me right away." Kat felt fear in her heart after seeing Mirem's red eyes from crying, she was worried that something bad might have happened to Ivan. She was pregnant and about to give birth, it was impossible for her to get on a plane with her mother and go on an unplanned trip, so her fear was increasing exponentially.

''The army called and said Ivan has PTSD and is no longer fit for military service and will be discharged early. His contract was up this week anyway, so leaving the army is fine. You know how much Commander Michael loves him, he had Ivan transferred to the military hospital so he could spend his days on sick leave, so he wouldn't lose his rights. I'm sorry but I need to be with him, Kat.''

''Okay but PTSD is a very dangerous thing, tell me the truth mom, did he hurt anyone? Is he in prison? Don't hide the truth from me because I'm pregnant, I can handle it.''

''No Kat, I'm telling the truth. Ivan is in the hospital. According to his friend on duty next to him, Ivan suddenly pointed his rifle at his friend during his shift and started shouting 'the enemy has surrounded us'. Luckily, he heard a voice behind him and turned and fired without stopping. When he emptied all his ammunition, the other soldier managed to knock Ivan out with the butt of his rifle and take control of the situation, immediately calling for help. The people who came to help him gave him a sedative and tied him to the bed. They said he was showing signs of severe paranoia even when he woke up, so they transferred him to the military hospital. I couldn't get any more information, so I have to go now.''

''Okay, I'll get a ticket right away, Deniz will take you to the airport, you get ready.''

When Deniz came home and heard what had happened to Ivan, he felt his heart break, the man he loved was lying helpless in a hospital on the other side of the world and there was nothing he could do. He didn't say anything during the way of airpot. After seeing Mirem off, he sat at the airport for a while, aimlessly watching people pass by. He knew he had to go home, he was sure his pregnant wife needed him but he couldn't control himself. For minutes he thought about buying a ticket for himself and accompanying Mirem, but this was a dream he would never realize, he bowed his head knowing this. He pulled himself together with difficulty and headed towards his car, he knew he had to go home...

When he got home he felt an unusual silence, Kat was not around. Normally when Deniz came home Kat would run to greet him no matter what. Deniz got scared that something might have happened to her and ran to Kat's room but Kat was not there, then he checked the bathroom, the kitchen and Mirem's room in order but Kat was nowhere. The last thing that came to his mind was to look in his own room, when Deniz opened the door of his room he saw Kat staring absently at his laptop screen, she was not moving at all.

“Kat, are you okay? Is something wrong? I got your mom on the plane, she’s fine and your big brother will be fine and healthy too, don’t worry,” Deniz said, but Kat wasn’t looking at him, her eyes were still on Deniz’s laptop screen.

“My laptop battery died, I was going to connect to the internet from your laptop and check the number of the hospital Ivan was staying at in America, I didn’t want to wait until my mom got to America, so I wanted to know how Ivan was, but the last site you visited was open, I didn’t want to invade your privacy, it was unintentional, I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean Kat, which site?” Deniz was taken aback, too depressed and absent-minded to understand what Kat meant, but then he suddenly remembered the adult site he had visited last night to watch adult videos. Deniz’s face had turned pale because he had set the options section on the site to “gay”, so every time he visited the site he was only greeted with gay content. Kat’s soft-spoken question brought Deniz back to reality...

“Deniz, are you gay?”