Secret Sin

14

Some people talk through situations to cope, while others turtle— crawl into their shells and process internally. I was a turtler. When circumstances overwhelmed me, I withdrew from friends and family in order to sort through my thoughts and feelings. Mom called it disappearing into my cave. My conflicted emotions about Bishop had pushed me to a point of turtling. I spent a solid week lost in my head, trying to decide what to do and how I felt. I thought about what I wanted from life and what it would mean to have Bishop be a part of that journey. I could feel my heart finding ways to rationalize a relationship with him. The independent side of me felt betrayed—like I’d given in to societal pressures to latch onto a man—and being upset about my feelings only made things worse. With each day that passed, however, I inched closer and closer to a decision. I couldn’t deny that I wanted to give Bishop a chance. The part of me that had lobbied so hard for adventure and freedom felt defeated. To assure myself that I was still me and no man could take that away, I decided to drag Noemi clubbing with me. It was only the second time we’d ever managed to go to a club, and it was made possible because of a woman named Shae. She was a part of the Irish organization and some kind of badass fighter. Noemi’s husband insisted we take her as protection, which was no problem for me because Shae was awesome. And with her along, I was able to tell my dad my plans rather than sneak behind his back like I’d had to do before. Once Dad knew that Conner trusted Shae enough to protect Noemi, he agreed to let me go without my own escort. I wore a stretchy white dress that clung to my curves, stopping just below my ass. It made my tan look spectacular and gave me the confidence to hide the fact that inside I felt like a train veering off its tracks. Be the energy you want to attract. I’d read that on i********:, and it struck a chord. If I projected independence and confidence, I would attract those qualities into my orbit, or so said the internet. I was still undecided on the matter. “You are my idol,” I told Shae as we walked into the restroom after a couple of drinks. “I wish I was just like you in every way.” She chuckled and raised a brow. “No one’s perfect, and no one has a perfect life.” “Yeah, but you’re hot as hell, you can fight, AND you’re not attracted to men. I wish I didn’t like men,” I grumbled as I closed my bathroom stall door. “Who said I’m not attracted to men?” “Um … I don’t know. I thought you were into women?” I could have sworn Noemi had hinted at Shae batting for the other team, but now that I’d had a few drinks, I wondered if I’d been wrong. “I’m attracted to men. I’m also attracted to women. I just decided years ago that men weren’t worth the hassle.” “A-men!” My overzealous cheer echoed in the marble-lined bathroom, making me giggle. “Right?” Shae agreed. “If all things are equal, women are definitely the better choice.” I nodded as I finished my business. “So have you ever dated a man?” I exited the stall and caught her eyes in the mirror as she did the same. I was so freaking curious about her. How she’d learned to fight. Why she wanted to work alongside the Irish men. What conditioner she used to get such a glossy shine to her hair. All the important questions. “A couple, but they rarely hold my interest.” She dropped her gaze to the sink as she washed her hands. “We’d better get back out. I wasn’t supposed to leave Noemi on her own.” When we returned to our table, Noemi was right where we’d left her with a round of martinis waiting for us. “Drink up,” she called. “And let’s hit the dance floor!” We clinked glasses, and the alcohol seemed to filter straight into my bloodstream. We’d already had margaritas with dinner and tequila shots when we first arrived at the club. I grinned at the warm buzz heating my skin. “Let’s do this!” It was definitely time to dance. A half hour later, Noemi and I retreated to the table while Shae continued to dance. The woman was a powerhouse, not even breaking a sweat. “This is exactly what I needed,” I told my cousin, grateful she’d indulged my last-minute request to go out. “And Shae is really great. I’m glad Conner sent her along even though it was unnecessary.” I wasn’t crazy about men always thinking we needed chaperones. What really needed to happen was for men to learn to behave like f*****g civilized human beings, then we wouldn’t be at risk. Like that would ever happen. The only way to change the dynamic was to be a badass like Shae. I peered back at her again in the crowd. “And with her here, we didn’t even need our fake IDs,” Noemi chimed in, raising her glass. “Hell yeah!” I clinked my glass with hers, but just as I started to drink, my eyes collided with a murderous stare across the room. “You have got to be kidding me.” Bishop speared me through with indignant accusation. His black-onblack suit was almost as dark as the noxious aura surrounding him. He was a pressurized storm of righteous fury, and I’d never seen anything more beautiful in my life. The intensity of chiseled features and calculated power. He was an angry god come to earth with only one thing on his mind. Me.