little Johnny the greatest joker

little Johnny greatest joker

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so wellduring the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they givehim an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principalagrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about theoral test.First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that Ionly have two of?"Johnny replies, "Legs."So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that Idon't have in my pants?""Pockets," Johnny replies.Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?""Rome," is his answer.With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks,"Well, shall we pass him?""Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger. " Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple. " Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it. "Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny? "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway,and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him,'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - its some flowers!" "Thats right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - its a box of candy!" "Thats right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owners son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand.The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

There was this little boy who had no name. One day he went outside and heard someone say Jonny. He then tells his mother his first name would be Jonny. The second day he goes outside and hears the name Humper. So, he tells his mother his middle name was going to be Humper. The third day, Jonny goes out and hears the name Harder. Then, he tells his mother his full name shall be Jonny Humper Harder. Jonny goes out one day with handful of cookies. He sees this girl around his age and asks her if she would be willing to take off her shirt for a cookie. The little girls says that she would take off all her close for all of Jonnys cookies. Jonny gives her the cookies and the girl takes off all her clothes. Hours later, the towns people all run up to them in the middle of the street and they cry, "JONNY HUMPER HARDER!" Little Jonny yells, "IM TRYING, IM TRYING!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid

in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's a*s, it can pass a speeding car!"

Pushing It

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the c***k of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the c***k of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-b***h!"

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the mans teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didnt respond to his caresses, she didnt push him away either. The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Whats wrong?" asked Johnny. "Oh, Ive just come back from the cemetery we had my little girls funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night."

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. Ill give you a hint," said the teacher. "Its something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spitem out! Theyre assholes!"

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time.

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's (Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a good time.

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. Yes? she asks.

I'm here to have a good time!, Johnny Says

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) Where have you been?

I went to a WHOREHOUSE! Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?

Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasnt me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnnys lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I cant see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"

Little Johnny goes back to school on Monday and the teacher asks the kids if there was anything exciting that happened to them over the weekend.

Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy, well the teacher knows how little Johnny is so she doesn't want to call on him.

Finally, she gives in and calls on Johnny, "All right Johnny, what did you do this weekend?" Johnny says," I rode in my wagon and had my dog pull me, well we came to this steep hill and we got going really fast, my dog couldn't run fast enough.

The handle of the wagon rammed up his ass." The teacher interupts and corrects Johnny by saying,"Rectum Johnny, Rectum." Johnny says,"Recked UM? It damn near killed him!"

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence? " He said, "Damn if I know. " She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence? " "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know. " The father jumped up in the back,pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it! "

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your a*s before the day was over."

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.

She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."

Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday.

Why Am I So Special, Pa?

"How was your first day in third grade, Johnny?" asked his father.

"Good," said Johnny. "The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn't get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!"

"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the next day of school, he asked again.

"I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn't get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!"

"That's good, son. That's because you're from Arkansas."

After the third day of school, Johnny came home looking troubled.

"What's the matter, son?" asked Dad.

"Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I'm from Arkansas?"

"No, son," explained Dad. "That's because you're 18!"

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," Little Johnny said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said "Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it."

To which Little Johnny replied, "nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yea, He sure did," said the cop.

Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, "Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!" and peddled off down the road.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was!" said Johnny. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck", the Rottweiler ate him!"

Productive Salesmanship

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on

productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"

she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the

customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious

success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and

I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of

current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped

a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell

enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a

Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

They all said the same thing.

Hey, this tastes like s**t!

Then I would say.............." It is shit."

Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, hes a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you arent getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.

Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an i***t, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!""Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how tomasturbate."

Like The Way You Think

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his g*n and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the g*n would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is l*****g the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly

letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she

insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little

Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm

very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will

you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the

floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped

his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck

of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down,

farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust

left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her

do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny

peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a

Double-Barrel!"

One day, when Little Johnny came home from school, his mom bought him a new basketball. He went over to the new neighbors house and a little girl came out. Little Johnny said, my mommy bought me a new basketball, and you can't have one!"

The next day the little girl had a new basketball. Then, Little Johnny's mommy bought him a new bike. Little Johnnypromptly took it over to the little girls house, and when the little girl came out he boasted "Ha Ha mommy bought me a new bike and you can't have one".

The next day the little girl had a new bike. Frustrated, Little Johnny took the little girl out back, pulled down his pants and said " I got one of these and mommy said that you cant have one!" In defiance, the little girl pulled up her skirt and said "mommy said as long as I have one of these I can have all those I want!

10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark n***d on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating " Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man."Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark n***d on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating " Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man." Once again he backs out quietly.Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark n***d on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams " I GOT IT !!!!!!"JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK n***d ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING " OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE"

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.Johnny goes to his mother and demands, "Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!" To this his mother replies, "Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal."Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...