FALL NOT

Introduction: The Wind's Deep Thoughts

The birds are chirping their song amid darkness, seeming like they can still recognize hope in spaces they stare at and fly through. While the stars shine brightly, the moon peaks from its comfort zone, crescent yet whole, quite gorgeously honed. Now is a definite time to take a deep sleep and amuse yourself in your dreams, but these two young ladies under the tree don’t seem to be intrigued by having sweet dreams.

The lady thinks twice before fully uttering the question formed in her thoughts, “Have you ever…”. She then pauses and takes a deep breath, like it was the hardest decision she ever had at that present time, “…ever confessed your feelings to someone? I mean, like opening what you feel towards someone?” she asked then took a glance at the person peacefully sitting right next to her, her best friend.

Someone who just closed her eyes and inhaled all the freshness of the air as it played with them in the middle of the night after sneaking out of their dormitory room and ending up contemplating their lives.

But then the silence met its death.

Lay’s intimidating question cracked the ice that has been freezing their skinny bodies under the lonely tree in front of their dormitory. Few lamps in the hallway give a bit of life. They could only hear the wind singing a melodious song as the leaves danced with it and as well as the sweet branches reaching the space higher as it could match the bird’s sentiments. It whistles like a lullaby. They look into each other’s eyes, trying to decipher the awkwardness just a second after the simple question was uttered.

Simple yet not the simplest.

It wasn’t a new question, and neither were they teenagers anymore to even dodge it, yet somehow it sounded like a weird tone echoed, like an amateur pianist hitting the wrong chord, unexpectedly.

“Do you want to know the similarity of your question to this campus we’re staying in?”

Claire’s response made Lay wonder. “They’re both boring?”

“They are quite old fashioned.” She uttered and it perfectly painted a perfect smile to both their warm lips. “Why are you bringing that up anyways?” asked Claire and gazed at Lay. “don’t tell me you’re interested in the topic itself?”

Lay instantly shakes her head and the transition was fast, smiling bitterly. “It’s not that I’m interested, just curious.” she replied. “Some said that people are more honest in the evening, especially at midnight. I mean, it’s just that the idea thrills me to ask you that question.” She explained.

“That’s nonsense.” Claire disagrees. “So, it means we mostly lie in broad daylight?”

“I don’t know. I just read it somewhere.”

“Have you?” Claire dodge back the question to Lay, but she just smiles a bit and instantly shakes her head.

“There’s no way. Will never have that scenario stuck in my thoughts. And I doubt it’ll happen.”

“Well, in my case I did confess to someone” Claire answered then cleared her throat. “Well, a lot of times I think, when I was in high school,” She added.

“What does it feel like?” a curious follow-up question from Lay, “Is it some sort of magic or…just a lost butterfly in your stomach?” Lay randomly added. This time their eyes look in the opposite direction, and sip their warm coffee, afraid that their eyes would bring the saying, eyes never lie to life. Claire digs up first her deepest well of thoughts before handing a cup of experience to Lay.

“It wasn’t that special at all. Like what I imagined it might be, or it should be, considering confession could be defined by someone as one of the big days she can have, since you know, it is about your heart’s voiceless words.” She explained and followed with a deep sigh. No wavering at all.

Both could easily read each other’s body language as if it was always talking verbally, that is what best friends are for, maybe. Lay just makes a long face at what Claire has stated.

“To be honest, does it need to be special? I mean, I thought it was just a mere word, or phrase coming out of your mouth from the deepest secret you always carry with you, oftentimes a bit hidden I guess, was it like that?” Lay frankly asked. She knew Claire very well, she’s the type of person who prefers to show herself transparently than to fake it, especially her emotions to someone. For a reason that it is meaningful to her, like what they are currently talking about at this moment.

For Claire, it is important, while for Lay it’s just a mere topic.

For she doesn’t know yet where that piled up emotions are coming from, Unaware of her own unconscious thoughts.

“You said that you’ve done it a lot of times already, does all of that come out with sincerity at all?” Lay still couldn’t picture the thought and experience Claire had. “I know feelings don’t need to be kept, Claire and one must be able to express it for the sake of others, but for some instances, it’s just a simple appreciation for someone’s existence, it’s not an extravagant scene a person should plan on before executing it.”

“Maybe, for you, it could be as easy as that, let’s say throwing garbage in its proper bin, but for others, like me, it is different,” Claire argues and focuses her attention on the dark spaces. “Imagine a piece of paper begging a writer not to compose sad poetries again, it’s quite cliché but it exists.” she delicately expressed those words with blandness in her eyes.

Sometimes she’s just so transparent that everyone could read her mind even her hidden bruises but there happened to be moments, when she’s comparable to a big lake, though quiet and calm to look at, the moment you swim, its deepness pulls you hard ‘til you reach out for air to breathe in.

“What a deep thought, dear. Take everything else easy, just like… how you smoothly write those cheesy and peeling onion poems you have kept,” said Lay teasing her best friend, who’s still overthinking about life.

“I hoped it could be as easy as that Lay, but I felt that it wasn't.”

“Like I told you, you just need to express it.”

“As if you knew how.”

“I do.” She confidently spoke. “I could thank you a hundred times for being a friend of mine. That’s it, simple as that. I’m confessing my thoughts to you because you’ve been an excellent person beside me.”

“That’s not always the case for me, Lay.”

“If you’re still confused about it, don’t ever utter it yet. You will just be regretting things.”

“Either of the two, we still will be regretting things. We just need to choose where we think we will regret less.”

“That’s the simple proof that you are consumed by confusion. Do it like this Claire, don’t think about that person anymore.” Lay swiftly spoke out and Claire almost spilled the coffee she was holding because of awe and her eyeballs couldn’t even roll a bit, maybe they froze due to coldness.

“The simplest gesture you can do for your sake is to have your peace of mind,” Lay added.

Little did Claire expect any sugar coating from her friend because they both knew what and who is the ending point of the story Claire is trying to dig up.

It’s an unsealed condition for best friends, to not hide anything.

“We’re not going to talk about different kinds of confession right?” Claire asked.

“Yeah, supposed to be, but it is very relatable on your part.” Lay responded.

“Be careful with your words…” Claire quickly whispered to make Lay lower her voice. “…the person you are referring to might just be around here with his brown little guitar.” She added.

“Oh!” Lay gasps curving a smile on her lips. “Someone's always enjoying a view of a guy playing his favorite songs with his brown little guitar.” Claire just rolled her eyes at what Lay had declared. She cannot deny that simple fact she just heard.

“Keep it to yourself, Lay. Lucky for you that you haven’t been able to confess to someone you like, you are so good at hiding Lay, at almost everything.” Claire stated in a calm voice and just sighed out of disappointment that she is the only victim of what they called lost butterflies.

“I’m glad I can do that much for my own sake, if not, it’ll just be a thorn in my journey.”

“Oh, so bitter.”

“Unlike your sweetness, I, myself, cannot stand with your butterflies.”

Lay’s life is similarly a bitter-sweet taste. She hates long-life butterflies in her stomach, according to her it might be suffocated inside that is why she just let them free, as in free to find another stomach to victimize.

Lay hates men, for some reasons she has kept in a secluded vein in her brain.

They continued teasing each other as if there would be no guard doing rounds at 11 pm because there they are, enjoying their warm cup of coffee and a crumb of the moment with freezing air. No one has checked the time, they forgot that it indeed flew like the lost butterflies. The girls have been talking outside for at least an hour or two.

“Maybe this is what they call 10 pm thoughts of a girl.” Claire jokingly said to break the silence again. Can she now be called a silence breaker?

“It’s 3 am though, not 10 pm.” Lay bluntly corrected her which made Claire frown. “…should we now get inside? I’m almost done with my coffee.” Lay stood up and then left her seat, she was ready to go.

“Hey! Let us extend another hour, please?” Claire suggested pouting her lips to beg. “I want to feel this fresh air more. The next evening, we sat under this tree, this air could be gone already.”

The idea is quite impossible, however, Lay was convinced by that little absurd idea, because why would air leave a tree, they seemed to be always together. Never mind the guard.

Maybe he’s still busy eating dinner.

The surroundings are still quiet.

As they waited for another second to pass, no one brought

up any other topic aside from what they were talking about earlier. Claire is spaced out while Lay is just staring at the stars.

“Is it for real then?” Lay opened another conversation to start

as she stared at the stars as they gave her a topic to start with.

Now, Claire is confused by the unexpected, yet expected question from Lay. She just gave her an emotionless glance that somehow presents an obvious answer.

She tried to divert it.

“...that we need to leave? I guess yeah, you know anytime the guard will be—”

“Nope, I mean your feelings for him.”

Lay’s straightforward phrases always caught Claire off-guard. Unable to form a simple yet reasonable answer to present.

For the nth time around, awkwardness filled their cup yet instantly spilled out by Claire. She just sighed and stood up, deciding to finally leave. This time her feet start to go on their journey to their room. She wanted to avoid answering the question. Claire just fully turned her back on Lay, who was more confused by her gestures.

“It is?!” Lay exclaimed. Claire immediately looks back and glares at Lay. Her eyes look like a lion ready to devour her meal at any time, while Lay’s eyes were just as innocent as it is and calm, it’s just her voice that changed a bit as if nothing happened.

Lay stopped asking Claire more questions because she knows how uncomfortable the topic is for her friend. Thus, Lay seconded the conclusion and suggested, to go back to their room and take a deep rest. A few steps away from their place, suddenly all the lamps in the hallway light up and leave them with no choice but,

to run.

Staring at each other while trying to hold their laughter and running for their life, not to be caught by the guard, again.

“...again…” they both whispered and then laughed while running hastily. Their room is a bit far from the place where they usually spend their time, though it might be just a walking distance but tiring if they’ll run.

Glad that the entrance door is still open, a clear sign that it’s not yet midnight. But at the point of reaching the stairs, they need to quiet down, others might be awakened by the noise of their steps. So, they slowly, carefully, and quietly take the stairs, staring at their feet step by step. Every step is followed by a deep sigh, neither coming out of worry or nervousness. It is but pure relief that no one so far has noticed their presence in the middle of the night.

They were chased by their shadows.

And yet, something is off, it is the last step of the stairs, but a guitar seemed to be lying on the floor, a little brown guitar. Both were confused and couldn’t take the last step; they again froze and just stared at the guitar in front of them.

“A guitar?”

“Yes, a guitar.”

“What would a guitar be doing here? Alone?”

“Hmm? No clue at all.”

Only their whisperings were to be heard in the hallway no matter how low their voices were. As if they already are guilty of something they usually do.

Claire gasps and both their eyes widened out of surprise when a hand slowly grabs the guitar in front of them, luckily that Lay’s palm landed perfectly on her mouth to stop it from making more noise that is much more dangerous than the person standing in front of them. As they lifted their heads, both just sighed out of relief and stood still after taking the last step on the stairs.

“What are you doing here outside our rooms?” Lay instantly asked the guy who was also standing still in front of them and knew already what was going on. His stares automatically landed at Claire but then faster than the flash, Claire just turned her eyes to Lay communicating an obvious message, then Lay hurriedly removed her hand covering her mouth.

“I should be the one asking that to you, both of you, the legend of sneakers” he replied and though it was a bit dark in the hallway, his hastened curved smiles are still visible to Claire.

“Can you please, excuse us? We’re in a hurry.” she bitterly said. Claire grabbed Lay’s hand and walked toward their room, 5 doors away from the stairs.

“Yeah, I can feel it too.” He just waved a hand and walked down the stairs without any hurry at all. Carefully carrying his little brown guitar reached the entrance of the gate but as soon as he held onto the doorknob, a flashlight was pointed at him. It is the guard.

“Where do you think you’re going at this hour?” the guard asks and stands in front of the entrance door blocking him.

“Because this is not a place for me to stay, right, Sir?” He replied sarcastically. The guard then realizes he’s a guy and his dorm is on the other corner of the premises. “Can I excuse myself Sir?” He added lowering his voice a bit to make it manly.

“I’m sure you didn’t enter this room without any reason, what did you do up there?” the guard asks. His lips curved smiles, a fake smile, and the guard sharply glared at him.

“I gave a present to a friend of mine, it seems like she left it earlier.”

“What is it?”

“I guess it’s not something the school and the student agreed on sharing, as I read the rules and conditions---”

“Okay, enough. Go in peace.”

“Thank you for the advice.” He uttered with an insulting bland tone in his voice, this guy just loved teasing their guard every time they argued then turned his back and left the guard.

The two ladies walked fast and reached their room before anyone else open a door just to watch them sneaking, again.

Countless times have they sneaked out of their room just to take a rest under that lonely tree while sipping their cup of coffee. It somehow becomes a comfort to them. So, the Admin and Guard are already familiar with their footsteps, their whispers, and alibis whenever they are interrogated in the Guidance Office.

Lay’s about to unlock the door but awakened by the reality that there is no key in her hand, and she doesn’t have it with her, nor in her pockets as she searched for them. While Claire is like an expert investigator who’s looking out for any suspicious person around, they were the suspicious ones.

“Claire gave me the key,” Lay asked if Claire might have had it with her. But Claire’s eyes widened like she wasn't expecting this question. Now the answer is obvious.

“Huh? Key? What key?”

“I said, the key. That thing you need to un—I mean obviously, our door’s key. I thought you had it with you?”

“You’re the one who locked it before we leave.”

“But you said, you’d carry it with you.” Both are still analyzing what is happening because they can’t find where the key is or who is holding the key.

“Don’t tell me, we both don’t have the key?” Their faces are now unpaintable. They look inside their sleepwear pocket but no sign of the key. Tries to recall where they put the key.

But couldn’t remember any scenario regarding where they put the key.

Amid their argument and trouble, the door behind them opened. It both made them cover their faces and quickly kneeled on the floor turning their back at the opened door, ready for an earful sermon. Claire and Lay sighed in frustration knowing that tomorrow they’ll be expecting to be called to the Guidance Office to explain themselves, again.

“Hey...” a lady came out the door wearing pajamas and sleepy eyes staring at the two. “…Do you still have time to unwind? Amazing!” Sam gasped. She is also a college student, but they are one year ahead of Sam.

She handed them a sparkly clanking key.

“Oh! Our keys!” both exclaimed and Lay hurriedly grabbed the key.

“Wait…where did you get this Sam?” Claire immediately asked since both forgot who was supposed to be carrying the key. She looked at Sam who was standing in front of them and they were still kneeling pitifully in front of their locked door.

“Haze gave me that,” she replied. Claire and Lay stare at each other’s eyes surprised by the answer. “He told me to give it to you since you just threw it in front of his door, so he thought that you were asking him to keep it for you,” Sam explained to Claire.

No one is not confused at all.

“O-okay, anyway, never mind. Thank you.” Claire grabbed the key from Lay and unlocked the door, Lay followed her, and Sam also got back to her room and locked the door behind her.

Out of tiredness from running, Claire lays hastily on their bed while Lay sits on the sofa.

“Why? I mean just how on earth did that key be in front of Haze’s door? Did you, by any chance, go to his dorm earlier?

Lay is still wondering about what just happened and her eyebrows are about to become a little bridge while Claire is just staring at the ceiling, not interested to answer at all.

She stopped digging what could’ve happened earlier.

Lay rests beside Claire, and both take a glance at nowhere.

All they can hear now is not a chirping bird nor a sweet lullaby from the freezing air but boredom and the deafening silence that is itchy in their ears.

They both sighed, again, out of disappointment and dissatisfaction. Because they could just wish that time would fast forward, that tomorrow will be skipped, and when they wake up, a year already passed.

“Can we just be absent for tomorrow’s event?” Lay said out of nowhere and giggled.

“As if it’s possible.” Claire just closed her eyes and quietly went to sleep. They need to get enough sleep for tomorrow after their graduation.

“Tomorrow will just pass Lay, after that we’ll not be imprisoned in this dormitory anymore, we are free the next day.” Both curved a smile.

“You hate school, huh?” Lay questioned.

“Who loves school anyway?” She argued then rolled her eyes.

“Could we be able to live out our dreams?” Lay somehow smoothly diverted the topic.

“That’s a nice and tricky question. Come to think of it, when we get out of this school, will there be more opportunities for us?”

“Well, if there isn’t enough work for us, then let’s do our job, you, being the cook, since you’re good at it and I’ll be your…”

Lay stopped for a moment and thought, “… I’ll be your investor.” She added.

“Should we just marry?” an absurd question coming from Claire, that makes Lay disappointedly cringe. Claire looks at her face which shows nothing but an indecipherable image.

Claire must be thinking life as a married woman will be 10x easier than working 10 hours a day as an unmarried woman.

“What?! Marry?” Lay responded and raised one of her eyebrows. “…Do you think that will be easy? I can’t even imagine myself being in a relationship, and then what, marry someone? That is the weirdest suggestion you can ever present, dear. Instead, I will build a house for myself then die, single.” Lay said then giggled.

“I’ll join you then. We’ll build a house for us, just the two of

us.”

“Hey, don’t tell me. You like—”

“A BIG NO! It’s just that, you’re afraid of darkness. Besides, you have no other friend aside from me, am I wrong? So, I’ll join you then. For your wittiest information, I’m just a concerned citizen here, duh.”

“Okay, then you’ll also be my chef.”

“You’ll do the dishes.” Claire follows.

“Let’s grocery together!” both exclaimed out of excitement.

They haven’t been able to prepare or even think if ever that moment is to come. They only have in them pure imaginations of what they want to happen after they graduate college. To not marry and live together.

Their escape, for now, is to graduate and be freed from what they thought prison, their university, and its Dormitory. They wanted to look for a job as soon as they graduate and do whatever they want.

To achieve their goals, their dreams and to be independent.

Where they can decide for themselves.

There are so many things they plan to do before reaching theirs, to go abroad, to not just window shopping but to buy expensive dresses, to eat in a 5-star restaurant and enjoy like it is their last day on earth. That is somehow a payment for the whole 4 years they stayed in a Dormitory and were never able to go outside unless they celebrated holidays and birthdays with their families.

Little did they know that the outside world will not always be the same. Their desires will not stay still in their hearts, they also have an expiration date. There will come a day that they wish they just stayed inside the school for another 20 more years.

Dreaming is free and light, but once you live out your dream, it’s starting to be expensive and hard.