Irrevocably Lost In The Twilight

It is too late, anyway

"What?"

"Like today," I reminded her.

She looked at me, grinning. "Oh yes! I suspected it, when I heard your voice. Even when I did not see you, I felt like you were going to appear suddenly."

I was right! "I wanted to slip away after Vera left, but I felt that it was the right moment to put things straight," I said, unable to repress a smile. "But hey, with you, you never know. I was troubled every moment I was away from you the last two days."

"Of course. I did not know you were going, so I…" She stopped suddenly, staring at her hands.

"Yes?"

"I was not well," she said shyly, blushing. "I didn't see you. I'm also troubled when you're not around. I had no news. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know if you'd come back like the last time. Or if you were gone forever."

Are you happy now? asked my conscience.

In reality, I was confused, exalted, panicked - especially panicked - at the idea that all my dreams were so close to being fulfilled. It didn't bother her that I was a freak! For this reason, I no longer cared about the rules. Good and evil had no more influence on me. All my priorities were abolished in favor of this girl. Alma felt it, too. I knew that it was nothing compared to how much I loved her. Should I have kept my distance? Should I have left and never returned? This feeling at present was like warmth on my skin. No! Nothing could stop me.

"Ah!" I grumbled to myself. "This is not going right at all!"

"What?"

"You don't understand, Alma. Even though it makes me unhappy, I refuse to get you involved. I don't want to hear you say such foolish things." This was a lie, and it was the truth. The egoist inside me thought: she wants me as much as I want her. "This is unhealthy and dangerous! You must realize what I am."

"I don't care!" The words exploded between her lips.

"I'm serious!" I struggled so hard with myself - half desperate that she accepted me, and the other half that she escaped - that the words left my mouth in a snarl.

"Me too," she insisted. "I repeat: I do not care who you are. It is too late, anyway."

Too late? For an endless second the world was divided between light and darkness, while I watched the shadows, inevitable, fatal.

"Too late?" It could not be too late! "Shut up!" I hissed.

She looked at the treetops, biting her lip again. Her hands were closed, fists clenched on her thighs. Her breathing quickened and then was lost.

"What are you thinking?" I needed to know. She shook her head without returning or looking at me. The agony!

"Nothing," she lied, her voice cracking.

A long-repressed instinct wanted me to stretch out my arm to her face and to stroke it until she let it rest on my palm. But I did not do it. Her eyes closed as if she were asleep.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. Would she ever know how much I was sorry? Sorry for all these stupid mistakes I've made? Sorry for my boundless selfishness? Sorry that she was the goal of my tragic love? Sorry also, that I was the monster chosen by destiny to end her peaceful life? I sighed and said nothing.

"You'll come?" she asked, giving me a glance.

The moonlight shone beautifully on the trees. I helped her pick up her backpack. She stood up, folded her arms across her chest and began to walk slowly. We reached the park exit.

"The car is right there, you see."

I opened her door, she got in and I helped her put the bag at her feet. I tried not to touch her, to keep my distance. She will freely decide the future of our relationship. Now, she had all the cards in her hand, with one exception, but the time had not yet come to get it out. I wanted to change the subject. Fortunately, her curiosity was insatiable.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked point blank.

Apparently, as the abyss is my final destination let the journey be as delighting.

"Yes, I still have one track in Paris." I smiled. I felt good. "I'll buy you lunch."

Her heart filled, and my still heart suddenly seemed warm. I stopped the car in front of her building. She remained motionless. The agony! To see her going away again. I leaned toward her, eager to hold her.

"Alma?"

"Yes." She turned towards me, surprised that our faces were so close. I too was overwhelmed by her proximity. Her scent caressed my face in waves. I could feel the softness of her skin. Her heart lost its rhythm and her lips opened.

"Sleep well," I murmured. I drew back for fear that she would repel me.

She remained seated for a while. Her eyes wide open and amazed. She was disturbed, I guess. Just like me. She regained her composure, but her face remained a little confused. She got out of the car with the movements of a dancing-girl. I swallowed as I realized that she actually looked like a dancer. I admired her haughty steps which took her to the entrance of the building. She punched in the access code, and then I left.

I felt her eyes on me, while I drove away down the dark street. This felt different. It was strangely exciting - the sensation of feeling spied upon. I knew that this was just because of her eyes. A million ideas were born and died in my mind while I was driving aimlessly through the night. For a long time, I went back and forth down her street, relieved that she finally knew the truth. She knew, and it didn't bother her. Even though it was undoubtedly unpleasant for her, I found it liberating.

I thought that love had rewarded me. She could not love me like I loved her. As something so irresistible, devouring, this crushing love would probably break her fragile body. But she felt strong enough to repel the instinctive fear, wanting to be with me. And being with her was the greatest happiness that I have ever known!

For a long time, I appreciated this happiness despite its tragic dimension. I was happy that she liked me. I imagined being with her day after day and night after night. I began to imitate her smile. Her fingers were so soft and warm in my palm tonight. I imagined touching her delicate skin, caressing her cheeks - soft, and smooth. The flow of my thoughts took me away. Where was I? I was still in front of her building and I headed back to my hotel.