Write on me

Chapter 18|

Another sleepless night had been part of my routine thanks to me admitting to myself that I had feelings for my friend.

I wanted to believe Emily when she claimed that he believed we were more than just friends and that he wanted me in the way I wanted him. Even constantly entertaining the thought was weird for me, because I never saw myself falling for anyone and even though I kissed Dane way too much I hadn’t thought that I had until it just hit me like a train.

Why would they call it falling when it was more like colliding with a wall or something?

“Meredith, right?” I heard a voice and saw one of the guys in my Science class standing a couple feet away from me.

I think his name was Liam, his dad worked with mine at the restaurant, so I saw him often, but we hadn’t spoken in years. I would see him sometimes in the restaurant with his friends when I got in after working at the bookstore.

I always wondered what I looked like when I was daydreaming or just overthinking because it was how I functioned on autopilot for most of the time, I hoped I didn’t look too weird.

“Yes” I nodded as I couldn’t be mistaken for Melissa anymore due to my hair as she had longer, dark hair with the ends dyed pink.

He seemed a bit nervous and while I didn’t fear him being mean to me I was weary of why he had approached me, “I hope this doesn’t sound too random but there’s a Halloween party coming up and I was wondering if you would want to go with me?”

My eyes widened as I had expected him to ask me something related to science or maybe even to pass along a message to my dad but not to ask me out.

I had never been asked out, except for spontaneous adventures with Dane, I waited for him to start laughing but he seemed to be very serious.

“I…”

“She doesn’t attend parties” I heard Dane’s voice from behind me and tried to cover up the fact that I had flinched because I had assumed he was waiting for me in my first period class when I hadn’t seen him at my locker.

“Sorry, I really don’t like the party scene” I added as the last time I attended a party still burned in the back of my mind.

“If you change your mind…” He began but was quickly cut off.

“She won’t.” Dane spoke before I could, even though I wasn’t sure what I would have said. He seemed to give up hope due to the hostility that radiated off Dane as he walked away.

I frowned as I walked beside him, I didn’t mind much if he glared at people that were casting me dirty looks or judging us, but Liam hadn’t had any bad intentions at all.

“You didn’t have to be so rude, Dane.” I spoke as we entered the classroom because while I felt like blurting it out as soon as Liam left us I didn’t want to give a show to the rest of the school.

They would have probably loved seeing me challenge him when no one else dared to, especially after the last incident with the annoying jock.

While his only intention had been to protect me, it served as a warning to them, so they didn’t mess with him again after that either.

“I wasn’t rude. I was just stating the obvious, were you planning on going?” He voiced behind me as I made my way to the back.

“No, but I feel like I could have said it myself and in a much nicer way than you did.”

He scoffed as he sat down in the desk next to mine, “He would have been persistent. I was saving you the trouble of trying to get rid of him politely”

“Things like that make people think you’re bad news” I blurted out and before I could say something else he immediately shot back despite the surprise in his eyes for my words.

“You don’t complain when I glare at the rest of the school, what makes him so special?” I could hear the distaste in his voice for a boy he hadn’t probably noticed before today.

“Nothing. I just… he didn’t deserve the harsh treatment you gave him, that’s all” I shrugged.

I wasn’t a vengeful person, but some people really did deserve to have other people reflect their rude ways back to them while others didn’t. Brad was definitely one that had deserved his treatment, but I was sure Dane could have seen that Liam posed no real threat to me.

“Lucky for us, I don’t get permission from you because you know I treat everyone equally!” He snapped which surprised me because I wasn’t sure how he had gotten so angry as his grey eyes darkened.

I frowned as I suddenly felt like I was receiving the look that everyone else did when he tried to scare them off. “I guess I am not the exception to that either right now”

“What are you trying to say?”

“You are being aggressive towards me just because I don’t agree with how you handled that. When a week ago, you were mad at me for not having any reaction!” I folded my arms as I stared at him while he avoided my eyes which I was grateful for because it was better than staring into angry eyes.

“I am not being aggressive, I am defending myself because I seem to be on trial for being the same way I am to everyone to him. If you like him then just f**king say so and I will refrain from saying s**t to him if its going to upset you this much!” He shrugged and there was something in his voice that I couldn’t quite recognize but it was definitely not sincerity.

“I am not upset. I was just saying that I could have handled it myself. I haven’t spoken to him in years, let alone like him.” I scoffed and ran a hand through my waves as the mere assumption of me being connected to another guy was silly. I thought that he knew how I was so he should have known that.

“Clearly there’s something if he felt comfortable enough to just ask you out like that”

I didn’t know how and when the tables had turned on me as he glared at me while continuing to imply something about Liam and I.

“Are you jealous?” I wearily questioned because I was certain that I was wrong.

“What?” He scoffed and avoided my eyes and I realized that I wasn’t wrong at all.

“You’re actually jealous…” I whispered.

“Jealousy is for kids” He rolled his eyes and while I had been annoyed and abit angry at him before, I was slightly amused by all of it.

I had never had the jealous feeling fill me because I never had anyone to compete with, he always found his way to me and I was the only one. He felt challenged and intimidated by Liam and for the first time I truly believed Emily’s words.

“Just because you’re older than us doesn’t make you immune to what you perceive are childish emotions” I stated.

“I am not jealous.” He gritted through his teeth as he chose to deny the obvious emotion he was riddled with.

“Then maybe I should go to the party then” I teased but he was filled with too much envy to catch my playful tone.

“So, you do want to go?” He narrowed his grey eyes at me.

“No.” I immediately answered because as soon as Liam had asked me I had no intention or desire to go.

“If you like him, then you…” He began but I quickly cut him off because I was tired of the endless back and forth over something that lasted five seconds.

“How could I like him if I like you, Dane?” I blurted out in annoyance and my words hung in the air as he was silenced by them.

“Why did you say that?” He questioned accusingly as he brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose before his eyes briefly shut, was he that disgusted to hear it?

Clearly, I had drawn the wrong conclusion along with Melissa and Emily.

“That’s your response?” I mumbled and felt the familiar feeling I had days before when he had reacted in the opposite way to my new look.

“You shouldn’t have said that.” He didn’t look at me as he seemed to almost speak to himself as his words had been barely audible.

“I shouldn’t have because it should be obvious, I mean we kiss every day. We spent so much time together, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I like you and I thought maybe you liked me too.”

I tried to stop myself from speaking but all of them came rushing out and I guess it was better than them weighing me down in my mind.

He finally stared at me, but I couldn’t read his face, “We can’t, Meredith.”

“Can’t like each other?” I clarified to further torture myself.

He glanced away without a word.

“What has all this time spent together then been for?” I weakly questioned as I lost the strength and conviction I had moments before.

“I made it clear we were friends” His voice was low yet clear but lacked any emotion unlike moments before when we had been arguing.

“But we kiss and you…” Why couldn’t I just stop speaking?

I didn’t even like speaking.

“Meredith, I’m not saying that I don’t like you.” He sighed and I knew then he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

“It's okay if you don’t, I guess I have just been reading things wrong” I cleared my throat and glanced towards the door and hoped Emily could just make an appearance but she seemed to be running late.

“You don’t get it. I can’t give you the romance you want in those f**king cliché books and…”

“I never said I wanted anything like my books. I am not that naïve, Dane. At least not anymore…” My voice was cut off by the sound of the bell.

I wanted to be mad at the interruption but the look on his face let me know I was better off not hearing whatever other excuses he had up his sleeve.

●●●

“Hey, why the face?” Rubie questioned as soon as her face filled up my screen and I would have giggled at the face mask she wore if I were in a better mood.

We made a point of having a video call once a week just to catch up as she wanted to maintain our friendship which I didn’t mind it because it was a friendship I liked.

There was no pressure because we were long distance friends and everyday things didn’t cause complications. We just always had fun talks and laughs but tonight I couldn’t be the happy person I had come to be whenever we spoke.

“I told Dane how I felt and he rejected me” I croaked and for once I couldn’t beat around the bush or hide it like I had been doing all day.

“What? Oh no…” She pouted and I saw shifting as she moved to her bed.

I had been burdened with what had happened all day and had spent my breaks in the bathroom out of fear that Dane would attempt to track me down and gently let me down further.

I didn’t need another friendzone speech from him…

I hadn’t told Melissa what happened either because she had been hopeful, and I would have just been ashamed to admit that he didn’t want to be with me. I had always believed that relationships were too much of an effort but maybe if the person had mutual feelings for you everything else was made easier.

“We were arguing over some guy asking me to a party and…”

“A guy asked you to a party!” She gasped, “I mean… sorry continue”

“He kept accusing me of caring about this guy just because I didn’t like how mean he was to him and I felt the need to prove to him how wrong he was by confessing that I liked him. Who confesses something they only discovered for themselves or acknowledged a week ago? I am so pathetic!” I exclaimed and hoped the music that filled my room would prevent my parents or Melissa from hearing.

“You are not pathetic! He is, for leading you on.” She shook her head and I could see the concern in her eyes for me, mostly because they stood out even more without her spectacles and thanks to the face mask.

“Did he actually lead me on though?” I sighed because while I was heartbroken I wasn’t sure if I could be mad at him or not because it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t want to be with me.

“He chose to play protector for you and knew how much it would mean to you and then he continues this game of kissing for months! He spends almost every day with you and saw how you were when you first met him. I am certain he knew that you wouldn’t just kiss him without falling for him” She rolled her eyes as she became visibly upset on my behalf and while she was much more bubbly than Melissa, both of them could be dramatic.

“But guys are oblivious, aren’t they?” I tried to reason because maybe he just had a blind spot like I did to his biker lifestyle that I hesitantly questioned here and there.

“I don’t think so. You know what I think? They just play into the whole idea that they don’t see what’s right in front of them and use it as an excuse to leave a trail of broken hearts!” I wanted to question if she had ever been in a relationship with a guy before she came out but that felt like a question for another video call.

I wiped the tears before they could fall and sat up while I held my pillow to my chest as I processed her words, “Do you think he has a trail of broken hearts? Oh my word, what if that’s the reason he has been to so many places. He just picks a kissing buddy and then they fall for him and he breaks their heart by denying them so he can’t deal with seeing their sad faces and then leaves.”

She thought about it briefly before a slightly amused look filled her face as she slowly shook her head, “I highly doubt he would move from place to place just to avoid seeing a sad girl”

She was right but it would have made me feel better to believe that this was actually his plan and I hadn’t just fallen for him when his only intentions were platonic apart from the sharing of saliva.

“I know. I just don’t know what to think, I tried not to have the hope fill me that he could feel the same but then I started seeing what everyone else did. Well, you know, you three did and everyone else just gossiped about. Seeing his reaction to Liam showing interest in me just made me see it but now I am thinking all I saw was him being jealous because he wants to make sure I am only available to him”

My mind had been clouded by my emotions for most of the day but as I chose to speak to someone about it I could feel some clarity fill me.

It may have been coming in slowly but I was slowly but surely making some sense and that allowed the tears to stop as well. I had probably cried a river by now while Dane was most likely just driving around with his biker friends or getting annoyed by his family.

He knew where I lived so if he truly changed his mind or wanted me to believe otherwise he would have been knocking on my door like I had done when he had disappeared.

“What were his exact words? Did he just say that he doesn’t like you and just ditched you or…”

I rest my head back on the wall as I mentally replayed what had happened, “We couldn’t finish because the bell rang and I hid from him for the rest of the day. He was confusing because he was acting like he was mad at me for admitting it and then said we can’t be together but it’s not because he doesn’t like me but he didn’t say that he liked me either”

“Why are guys so complicated?” She groaned.

I had hoped she would have been able to shed some light on his confusing words but it seemed she didn’t get them either.

“I don’t know” I sighed even though I couldn’t really generalize when I had only ever dealt with Dane. “I know the best thing to do would be to see him and see how he is but I don’t want to face him because he now knows how I feel about him. I just ruined the one friendship I have…”

“Hey!”

“You know what I mean…” I giggle due to the offended look on her face.

“I do, but as shitty as it feels. The best way to clear up confusion is to confront the issue and especially with guys I guess, you have to be straightforward even though they never are. It's why I am happy I am destined to not be with them” She smiled.

“And I am definitely destined for the opposite. What if he just ditches me?” I voiced as I had been avoiding him but maybe he was avoiding me.

“I don’t think he would but you never know. Just see if he is waiting for you at your locker and in class.”

I nodded as I would just try my best not to overthink the situation until I saw him again.

“Okay.”