Solarium

Sleep & Circadian Disruption

Her mind was dictating an entire life as this one giant circle of the circadian rhythm.

The moment they found her in front of the orphanage. The moment they took her in. Her first memory was darkness.

She has always been a calm kid. Darker than others, but calming nonetheless. No one has ever felt bad for her skin tone. Not in this place where some have been through worse things.

Wake up at 5.

Singing praises at 6.

Studying at 7.

Et cetera et cetera.

It has become a routine. A routine that Hyejin always did to the utmost detail. Others will brand her insane if they ever find out that she takes comfort in this routine.

She kept doing the routine until she was 9.

Until she found herself sitting in a superior room, the orphanage owner speaking in the most excellent, most gentle way as she always did. Every kid never fails to listen to her for a reason.

"Hyejin is one of the nicest kids in this orphanage."

Ah, right. It's too dull for a girl's name, even when they found it inside the basket where she slept in front of the door.

"Hyejin-ah, this kind man has expressed his intention of adopting you."

--

The clock was beeping. It was illuminating at 7:30 AM.

Hyejin is slowly lifting her upper body in the slowest way possible. She shouldn't be late for her first day at school. Even though, after being transferred so many times, there isn't enough room left for expectations.

"Hyejin-ah. Are you ready for your first day at school?"

"Good morning, uncle." She ruffles through the hem of her uniform, looking for any disheveled yarn. The chauffeur is a middle-aged man with a simple smile, a bowtie that is too neat, and a hat that is one size bigger.

"So chirpy in the morning."

"Of course! It is your first day, after all. You really should be more excited than I am."

Hyejin shrugged. "Where's dad?"

"Mr. Ahn rushed this morning to attend a company meeting. But he will make time for dinner tonight."

There are no reservations about moving for the nth time. It is all the same pattern that keeps repeating itself: a too big house, a bed that is not that comfortable, and a feeling that is not close enough to a place where she can call home. But again, one couldn't complain about a roof over their head. She kept mum as she stepped inside the car.

--

This situation has been starting on the wrong foot.

They stared as she introduced herself in front of the class. The boys' leering eyes, as well from the girls, even though maybe for a different reason. Oh well, she can't be picky about this. She will just cut this rim and make it into a bowtie.

A grumbling sound is causing her to look from the corner of her eye.

It's her classmate. It might be too subtle to notice a droplet of tear precariously hanging around her eyes. Wait. Is she crying?

"Your scissors are too dull."

Her eyes get wide as Hyejin places her scissors onto her hand. "Use mine." After a brief introduction (perhaps out of politeness), they didn't say much. Hyejin keeps making sure to cut a mean edge and creating ideal shapes so that everything becomes a blur.

Not a good time for a conversation anyway.

--

“I will come with you if you want to-”

It’s been a while since she got some sleep, and now a random boy has to break it. Her mouth was getting close to spouting strings of curses before their eyes met. Huh. The classmate? She swears it was a boy.

The classmate is about to let out another voice that sounds a little bit too deep before another voice interrupts. “Stop.” Poor girl. She must be talking to her out of politeness. So letting her go with a thank you note is the least she can do.

Is that right?

And she must be the timid one too. That tinge of red on the cheek she touched is kind of too hard not to miss.

--

“How’s school?”

“It’s fun.”

Everyone would agree that the most delicious food and beverages do not ensure a hearty dinner.

Mr. Ahn, her benefactor, as she likes to call it, chuckled. “It’s been two years since I took you under my care, yet you still act like we were strangers, Hyejin-ah.”

“I apologize. It is just a habit for me to always speak formally to the elderly.”

He let out a hearty laugh. “I am sorry for neglecting you for the past few weeks. It has been quite hectic with all these new customers. You see,” The dining room grows larger as he stands and steps forward to Hyejin’s seat. “After all, I am the elder here; I was supposed to take care of you.” He slides his fingers to caress her cheek, slowly tracing to her arms, snaking downwards in an unhurried manner.

His hands stay on Hyejin’s thigh, caressing it carefully. “Keep your door unlocked tonight, you hear me?”

Hell must be the place where her parents condemned her.

--

“Hyejin?”

“Uncle…”

“What happened to you?” The scattered toothbrushes. The remains of undigested food waste splattering around the sink smeared to the shower curtain—the girl who seemed to lose all will to live. The older man can feel a clench in his old heart. “I’ve been knocking for hours!”

“It’s fine, uncle. I don’t think I can come to school today. I think I was eating something bad-” Her eyes getting as wide as saucers as she snapped and hurrying to the sink, her entire face covered by the hair as she hurled continuously.

Hyejin could feel a light pinch around her back as she puked her heart out. After she rinsed, she looks upward to find the older man’s face. His wrinkles are becoming more apparent when he’s frowning. It’s the same look he’s always sporting ever since she put Ahn in front of her name.

“I told you not to frown, uncle. Those wrinkles are so going to burrow inside your face now-” She is unable to finish her sentence when the chauffeur is holding her two hands gently by the fingers. It takes a while for her to realize that her shiver had stopped when he did it. “Hyejin-ah. Come together with me.”

It is as if the time was frozen, leaving nothing but words hanging.

“You can come to my hometown. My wife and daughter will be more than glad to have you there. Anywhere-” His frown becoming even more resonant, he conveys his words in the softest way possible. “Anywhere but here.”

The kind words that go unclear beneath the tears keep flowing endlessly.

--

The only memory that sticks in her mind was when she first arrived in that house.

The house is significant; the garden is colorful, the maids were there at any beck and call. Everything was so shiny, a thing that never leaves her heart in peace. She could not get used to it when she was by herself, getting lost in a garden labyrinth with scanty branches and thorny in the middle of the house party for whose existence she didn’t know and didn’t care.

A hand that straps out of the bushes frightened her for a second before somebody grabbed her arm. “I have found you, miss.” It is that chauffeur with simple eyes.

With the rough hands that hold her smaller ones, she can felt nothing but warmth.

The flashback was brief as she packs whatever belongings she can think of in a small trunk. It was pitch black outside; no one was in sight. Hearing a slight knock on the door, Hyejin clips the lid of her chest, draping her cardigan in one swift movement. She carefully opens the door and slowly powers walking to find the chauffeur waiting near the exit. Without exchanging any words, Hyejin rushed into a small truck. When he starts the engine, they waste no time in hurrying away.

“Uncle, whose truck is this…?

“It’s mine. What, looking great?”

“It’s too cartoonish.”

The idle talk did nothing to calm the back of her mind. Now that they have done it, but after this, what does it entail? What’s waiting for her? The track of mind interrupted as she turned to find a black car trailing behind them, multiplying itself like zombies. “Uncle…” There was no hiding the tension in her voice as he looked at the rear mirror alarmingly. “They are on us already. Hyejin-ah, make sure you buckled your seat belt.”

But she just knew it. Even when one of the cars managed to outrun them, it intentionally crashed to the side, causing the tiny truck to swerve to the side and crash unceremoniously to the curb, flipping itself in the process. Everything becomes a blur as Hyejin screams with whatever strength she had left. “Uncle!” A trickle of blood was streaming from his nose. “We have to call an ambulance! I just-”

“Hyejin-ah, I’m fine…” Her eyes widened and felt like burning. Why did she agree to this? There is no time to think as the older man gently touches her cheek. “You were always too small and too kind, Hyejin-ah… Please…”

Be happy.

Her hands feel damp against the chauffeur’s that is getting colder. Nothing stops her from grabbing it in a tighter hold, trying so hard to contain his soul and perhaps, saving her own. Would anyone hear her scream? He doesn’t deserve this. Her mind becomes muddled between the rushing steps of loafers clacking towards the truck. This is what she gets for disrupting her circadian rhythm. This is what she gets for not doing anything in order, for not listening to what’s best for everyone.

This-

--

White walls surround her whole existence in a dream.

She woke up and walked towards a mirror, checking whatever was left behind. Tiny hickeys were scattered around her neck and clavicles like fresh wounds and rumbling sounds booming from her bottom, threatening to push the stomach content to the brim. She cupped her hand in desperate succession.

Her eyes kept looking around. Something that she never fails to do every time she finds herself here.

“Uncle!”

Not even an echo.

“Why are you not even coming to my dream?!”

There is no answer. Hyejin knew.

“I am so sorry for ruining all of this. I am so sorry for everything.”

Her words were met with deafening silence. Her tears were hot and raw as she kneeled to the white tile.

I miss you so much, uncle. I am so sorry for my whole existence.

It is an apology that, deep in her heart, would not even reach anyone even after a lifetime.