Welcome To Alexandria

chapter 1

I watched the clock carefully in my last hour period… thankful. Thankful that even though I was utterly shattering on the inside, a metamorphic face was all my classmates and teacher could see. They couldn’t hear that my heart was about to be laying on my desk in front of me from how hard it was hammering against my ribs, or maybe they could it was really loud this time? ‘f**k Alex, why did you have to think that?! ‘ Tick tick ‘okay Alex, five minuets, you can last five more minuets …. Just close your eyes and breathe. Inhale… Exhale…’ when I opened my eyes the clock mocked me. It had only been one minuet. I screamed inwardly as a hot tear ran down my face. I was quick to wipe it away before cautiously looking around to make sure no one saw. If you know exactly what this feels like…. I am so sorry we have to go  through this. If you’re wondering what tf is going on with me, you’re one of the lucky ones. I was blessed with a few diagnoses, but the one that’s f*****g with me at the moment is a panic attack as I result of anxiety  mixed with just a splash of PTSD. ‘three more minuets Alex, come on,we’ve been through worse, breathe’. Despite my better judgment I began rumiging around in my bag trying to distract myself till class ended. ‘why is two minuets taking so god damn long?’ finally settling on my headphones I popped my left one in my ear. My Bluetooth connected and just as I began to hear ScHoolboy Q in my ear.

“Excuse me miss Johnson was I not gracious with your assignment that you need another “?

               Mr. Mckenward or as my classmates called him Mr. Mcockwad sneered at me with a s**t eating grin. What was this fuckers’ problem with me? I had the highest gpa in his class and yet he treated worse then the kids he caught smoking weed in shop. Not that smokin is a problem they were just ignorant enough to get caught. I was already on edge from my panic attack I was losing my hold on then this asshole with a god complex wants to call me out, so of course I was about to let a smart-ass comment leave my lips when the bell crashed through the silence. Despite being all the way in the back of the class furthest away from the door I was the first one out it. .

 Im warning you now, if you think is one of those stories were it all gets better in the end? It doesn’t, so if you can’t handle that stop now. Don’t read anymore no judgment I swear …. You’re still here okay lets go on.

               I was kinda runnin kinda not because I didn’t want to get caught up with any asshat teachers.  Backstreet Freestyle by Kendrick Lamar started when I finally hit the bathroom.

“FUUUCK” I groaned as I closed the stall door. At least I didn’t have to worry about one seeing this, that took some of the edge off. I tried to focus on my breathing as I set on the tank with my feet on seat. I knew if I didn’t calm down that I would wake up on the floor again. But calm wasn’t making its appearance.

“MOTHERFUCKER, GOD DAMN IT” I shouted letting the tears run as I battered my fist into the cement wall. With my eyes hazing and the slight tingling feeling coming from my hand, I let myself crumble to the darkness. Pretty quickly everything was black and Alex was gone. I don’t know how long I was out but pain is what made me wake up. I wasn’t in the school bathroom anymore I was in a bed, but it wasn’t mine way to comfy was my first clue. I sat up quickly when I heard a light snore behind me. I didn’t know where I was hitting but a crunch and pain shooting through my knuckles was enough to make me stop. I then realized that who ever it had their arm wrapped around me because it snatched away from me with a quickness.

“ What the f**k Andrie?! You broke my nose.” Ira whisper yelled. His mom must be asleep to work the night shift because it was still daylight outside.

“ holy f**k Ira, I'm so sorry” I whispered back feeling like s**t, jumping from the bed towards the lightswitch flippin it on. Feeling worse when I saw the blood dripping off his hand onto his royal blue bed set. My gaze shot down if was possible I felt even shittier when I saw my hand was bandaged.

“ How's the hand” Ira nasally asked as he threw the comforter off his legs with none hand still pinching his nose with the other before standing. I just broke his nose and he was worried about my hand that I  did to myself. ‘f**k could I feel anymore like s**t’

“sit down, ill get some toilet paper for your nose” I said as I quickly walked across the room to the bathroom that was attached. Pushing Ira by the forehead making him fall back to the bed as I walked by him. Yeah I may feel shitty for hitting him but he still needed to listen. I wet a wash clothe with warm water and grabbed a hand full of tissue and walked back leaning over to tend to Ira’s nose.

“ If I new breaking my nose would have gotten me this view, I would have gotten it broken a long… long time ago.” Ira  smirked up at me. His eyes going from mine to the small amount of cleavage he could see in my shirt.

“oh yeah?” I replied with a smirk

“ oh most def- ooouuch” Ira screeched as I pinched his n****e while twisting as far as wrist would allow. He let go of his nose to grab my hand only serving for me to tighten my grip. As he held my wrist he looked at me with pledging eyes. ‘ He’s strong enough to make me let go but he won’t. always thinking of me first he’s afraid he’d hurt my hand if he tried’

“ Andwie, pwease” Ira pleaded in his baby voice. To which I let go with a light tug. Then began wiping his nose with rag. ‘f**k his nose is sitting to the left.’

“ It has to be reset. You want me or your momma to do it?” I asked straightening up now standing in front of him. His face inches away from my stomach.

“You and I both know we don’t wanna wake up the bear.” He said resting his forehead on my abdomen “It’s going to hurt isn’t it”?

“Not real bad and only for a second, but lay back I don’t want you running from me” he laied back as I said I straddled him pinning his arms with my legs.

“ H-hey Andrie y-you know I was only kidding about wanting to see you tiddies right?” Ira said nervously laughing. I looked down at him with a raised brow putting my hands in place to rest the his nose.

“oh, so you don’t wanna see em I hear that they’re quiet nice” I smirked waiting for his reaction

“ No no no I'm sure they’re great just, wait who tol- HOLY f**k THAT HURT!” I quickly cupped my hands over his mouth as he grunted tensing his entire body. Waiting intel  his body relaxed I snaked my arms around his neck putting my face in his neck holding him tight.

“ I am really sorry Ira, it was dark I didn’t know where I was and then I heard you snoring and”

“ I do not snore” he interrupted me wiggling his arms. I sighed as I moved from side to side releasing his hands never letting his neck go. He setup resting me in his lap running a hand through my hair the other drawing shaped on my back. He took a deep breath of my hair and sighed. “ I know Andrie I know. I was stupid and forgot to turn the lamp on before I fell asleep. I knew better than to let you wake up in the dark after an episode.” He pulled away and held me chin in his gentle but firm hand making me look into his hazel eyes that had an unusual amount of green in them. “My nose is on me not you” my throat got tight, but I really didn’t want to cry in font of him. Or anybody for that matter ‘tears are a weakness don’t ever let anybody see you weak they’ll use against you the second they get the chance’ my dad’s word rattled in my head. As is reading my mind Ira pulled me back close and whispered in my ear.

“you are not week you are the strongest person I’ve been blessed to know” but that’s the thing he is the blessing in my life. Even though I’ve only been on this earth seventeen years I’ve seen enough to know blessing don’t last. That’s why even if he is the closet person in my life I’ve never let him get to close. He just knows I’m broken, not why I’m broken. And that’s why whatever this is between us works. This dynamic has been going in since the end of ninth grade when I was shunned here. He’s not my boyfriend, even though all the boys in school are scared to even flirt with me. We’ve never said hey you’re mine. I like it that way, it’ll make it easier when we split ways to finally get out of this s**t hole town.

“ momma said you could stay but you have  to wake up before she comes home to sleep in guest room.” Ira said breaking my train of thought. I was the one to pull back this time with a raised brow.

“And where does she think I am now’’? I asked Ira smiled like he got away with something and that worried me if his momma caught us I wouldn’t be allowed in the house when she’s not here even if she does know how my aunt gets when she drinks. Telling us not to make her an abuela just yet. I wanna tell her it’s not like that but she's not someone to talk back to.

“Funny story” Ira started laughing nervously again

“IIIRRAA, where does momma dez think I am” I tried to sound as authoritative as possible.

“She knows your in my room. She didn’t want me to risk dropping you to carry you up stairs.”

“f*****g Christ she saw you carrying me what the hell does she think happened. Wait if she knows I'm in here were does she think you are”? I asked freaking out because momma dez didn’t know about my problems other than my frunk aunt.

“ she didn’t ask questions one and two she thinks I’m on the couch watching a movie. After she went to sleep for work I snuck in her and set a alarm to nap while we could.” On que his alarm sounded telling us to get to the kitchen and pretend like we weren’t just alone together in is room. I opened the fridge to grab juice and when I closed momma dez was walkin in with her black scrubs on but sleep was still in her eyes.

“jesus momma did you even sleep” Ira rudely asked. I threw an apple at him telling him to shut up.

“okay don’t use jesus as a curse word second make one more comment about my appreance I started you lil boy and I can end you if I want to lastly thank you alex next time hit em in the face to knock some sense into the boy” momma dez said glancing between Ira and I taking a double take at Ira’s swollen nose.” Mi hijo what happened to your face?!” I grimaced not knowing how to explain that I broke her sons nose. Ira just shrugged “I bet Alex that she couldn’t beat me and well… she knocked some sense into me. She should really consider joining boxing club at school” my jaw dropped at his explination then quickly snapped shut when momma dez looked back at me her eyes void of emotions. ‘f**k Ira you just told her I hit her baby could you not think of anything better’? I was hopping the earth would swallow me at this point when momma dez burst into powerful belly laughs. “oh bebe`, that hilarious you got beat up by a girl. she gave me an amused look “It’s always the quiet ones”