Danger in the shadows

It’s okay to cry

Is something wrong” Demetrius asked me with a look of confusion on his face. I didn’t say anything I just stared at him. Yes everything was wrong. I just had my first kiss, The way I felt from that kiss felt so right but I my mind kept telling me it was wrong, the way that kiss made my body feel. The way I was sitting here wanting, needing more. I could still feel   The warmth on my waist from where his hands were touching me. I could still feel him on my lips. His smell was still in my nose. All of that left me wanting more. All of this felt so right. How could something that feels so right could be so wrong? At this point my breathing had returned to normal. Demetrius was still staring at me with a concerned look on his face. I could tell he wanted to touch me, but he kept his distance.  “Jessica?” He said. I just shook my head.  “ no nothing is wrong” I told him and I jumped down from the counter. I grabbed the water bottle that I had dropped and handed it to him. He sighed and took it. “ so then why did you stop” he asked me. I looked at him, I couldn’t tell him could I ? I couldn’t tell him that was my first kiss because then he would ask why. And then I would have to explain to him that I was the weird girl that boys didn’t pay attention to. That I never really spoke to a boy before him. And then I would have to explain to him that love doesn’t happen for me. That I have to protect my self from the inevitable heart break. And then I would have to go into detail about my parents divorce.  I sighed and just decided to tell him my thoughts.  “ I never kissed a guy before” I told him looking away. “Oh “ was all he said. He ran his hand through his hair and looked towards the door.  I felt tears build up in my eyes. What did I expect him to say? What did I expect him to do? This guy could be with anyone that he wants. Why would I expect this to turn into anything. If it was even anything. I mean he had to feel something for me right ? Or did he just kiss anyone. I’m not even sure why I cared so much. It was obvious that Demetrius and I were on different levels. So why did I sit here and care so much. “Oh Jessica don’t cry “ he said and he pulled me into his arms. And with that I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I didn’t even know why I was crying. I didn’t even know why I cared so much. Why I cared about his thoughts of me so much. But then I realize. It had nothing to do with him at all. It had to do with my life and the way things were. It had to do with the feelings of the sudden change of me just packing up my life and moving across country. It had to do with the fact for the first time in my life with him I felt safe and in a way happy. And knowing that nothing could com e of this tore at my heart. “How can I help” he asked me pushing me away just enough to look at me. I just shook my head and laid my head on his chest again. After a couple of minutes I finally stopped crying. God this is so embarrassing I wiped my nose and stepped back from Demetrius. “You can let yourself out” I said as I ran to the bathroom. I couldn’t look at him. I would die from embarrassment. This was to much. I can’t believe I just cried in front of this guy. I can’t believe I told him that I never kissed someone. I can’t believe I care so much. Why do I care so much. I closed the bathroom door and went to the sink and washed my face I looked in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy from crying. I sighed, realizing that I could never show my face to Demetrius again. I have to push him out of my mind. And just forget about everything.  After a couple of minutes I let myself out of the bathroom and walked to the kitchen to grab my phone.  “Are you okay” Demetrius asked and I nearly jumped out of my skin and dropped my phone. I turned around to notice he was sitting on the couch. And he stood up when I turned to look at him.  “ I thought you left” was all I said as I reached for my phone.   “ I wanted to make sure you were alright” he said coming closer to me. “ I’m fine” I said looking down at the floor. “ why don’t you talk to me? I mean I would hope that I’m not that bad of a kisser to send you crying? So it’s more then that right? Or am I that bad that you cried about your first kiss being from me?” He said looking at me with amusement in his eyes. I just laughed and walked over to him.  “ a year in a half ago my parents got a divorce “ and with that I told him everything. I told him about my parents and their relationship how one day it was just over. I told him about how I was the weird girl in my town and my only friends were the characters in the novels I read. I told him About how I was trying   To make the best of California for my mom. “That is a lot to go through by yourself” was all he said and he pulled me to him and sat us on the couch. My head was laying on his chest. I was listening to his heart beat and his scent filled my nose. Slowly I could feel my nerves calming down and I started to feel like myself again. Which is weird since I was completely out of my element. I was sitting on my couch with a head on my guys chest. Demetrius never said anything. He just sat there and stroke my hair. Eventually I looked up at him and gave him a soft smile  “ sorry for crying like that. I appreciate you staying though. That was nice of you and you didn’t have to do that”  “ it’s okay to cry sometimes. Sometimes it happens without us knowing the reason why. I’m glad I was here to bring you some sort of comfort. Weird things happen all the time, things that don’t make sense. I learned to not question it and just go with the flow” he said looking at me.  “ what do you mean?” I asked him confused. What weird things is he talking about.  “ Jessica you  are a beautiful lady. Beyond beautiful. Who cares if you are a little weird. Which are your words not mine. Because you seem normal to me. Shy definitely but normal. Embrace your beauty. It’s okay to feel things. It’s okay for the feelings to be scary. Embrace them and just go with them. See where it takes you”. He was talking about my feelings for him. The feelings I wasn’t even sure I had. But that is what he meant when he said that it is okay to feel these things. Suddenly my back was pushed into the couch and Demetrius was hovered over me.  “ I’m saying these things because I like you. I like you a lot. You’re a very intriguing woman. And I would love for the things to progress into something. If you would allow them to” he said staring into my eyes. “ just don’t cancel the idea out yet. Don’t shut the thought of us being something because your scared” and with that he kissed me. And it wasn’t just any kiss. This kiss was passionate, but rough. Like he was trying to convince me Of everything he was saying. Trying to make me believe that he felt things for me too.