Chapter 50
778 Words
“How you doing, man?” Dallas asked.
Dean shrugged. “OK.”
“Hey, now,” Dallas said. “This is me you’re talking to… no macho denial bullshit from you. So, how you doing? For real?”
Dean looked over at his friend. “I’m – I’m not doing so well.”
Dallas nodded.
Dean exhaled. “She’s just so… so sick. I know how stupid that sounds, but it’s all I got. She’s weak and exhausted and she tries so hard to hide it from me, like she ever could.”
“She’s still losing weight?”
“Yeah. I can barely get her to choke down some soup once a day. Not that it stays down a lot of the time. She’s so nauseous even without the chemo, some days she can’t even hold onto water.”
Dallas winced.
“I don’t know, man.” Dean leaned back on the counter and stared at the floor in despair. “I guess I just wasn’t ready to feel so… f*****g helpless. Like, I’m standing outside all of her pain and hurt, and I just can’t break through. I can’t get to her, you know? I feel like she’s all alone in this and I’m letting her down.”
“Hey, you are not. You’re doing every single thing humanly possible.”
Dean glanced up now and Dallas was horrified to see tears in his eyes.
“I am. I am doing everything I can, and it’s still nowhere near enough what she needs.” Dean wiped the tears away angrily. “I’m failing her so bad, sometimes I can’t f*****g breathe for the guilt.”
“The hell you’re failing Emma.” Dallas got to his feet and crossed the room. He stopped next to Dean, stood right next to him. “You’re doing great.”
Dean shook his head. “No. I’m not.”
Something broke inside of him then, and the tears came. Dallas touched his heaving shoulders, just standing there quietly as Dean sobbed. It was less than a minute before Dean pulled himself together, but he was still embarrassed at his weakness in front of the other man.
“s**t,” Dean muttered. “I feel like an asshole.”
Dallas grinned. “That would be because you are an asshole in many ways. But not when it comes to her, alright? If we’re talking about Emma, you’re a guy who needs some more help. I’ll be coming around more, and I’ll make sure the guys do, too.”
“No, it’s OK. You don’t need to…”
“I do need to, Dean. I even want to.” Dallas’ blue eyes were uncompromising. “We’re all here for Emma, right? Let us start to be here for you, too. You’re reaching the point where you really need us. OK?”
Dean looked at his friend. “Yeah. Yeah, OK. Thanks, man.”
“That’s alright. Now, go to bed. You look like shit.”
Dean laughed. “Always so nice when you drop by.”
After Dallas had gone, Dean went back to check on Emma again, then he got into the shower. He stood under the hot water for a long time, letting the exhaustion just wash over him. When he climbed into bed, he wanted nothing more than to sleep for a week.
Emma felt the mattress dip and she opened her eyes.
“Dean?”
“Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
She moved closer to him and he put his arms around her, stroked her back. They lay together, not talking, and he watched as her eyelids fluttered shut again. Her breathing slowed, her body relaxed. He kissed her and he felt her smile against his mouth.
“Goodnight, Dean.”
“Sleep well.”
“I will,” she said. “Now that you’re here.”
“I wish I could be here for you all the time.” He said this quietly; it was a confession, maybe he was even asking for her forgiveness, just a little bit.
Her eyes opened again. “But you are. I feel you even when you’re not here.”
“You do?”
“Mmmm-hmmmm.” She touched his face. “You’re with me all the time. You have no idea what you pull me through, babe, just by existing.”
That night, Dean slept deeply and well, for the first time in weeks. It was the sleep of a man who had let something go; who had put down something heavy and taken a deep breath. He could breathe.
- Writer
