Chapter 44
797 Words
Two days later
Emma opened her eyes when she heard the door to her room open and close. She blinked, not sure if she could trust what she saw.
“Dean?”
He was looking at her, his face soft. “Hey, Emma.”
“What – what are you doing here?”
“I came to see you.”
She was quiet for a few seconds. “You know everything, don’t you?”
He walked over to the bed, sat on the chair next to her. “Yeah.”
Emma bit her lip as the tears welled. “I’m so sorry, Dean… I lied to you about so many things. You must be furious.”
“No,” he said. “I understand why you didn’t tell me you were a shrink that first night we met, Doctor Cartwright. I also get why you needed a break from what was going on in your life.” He slowly reached out and touched her hand. “I’m happy that you found some… some peace with me. Even just for a little while. I’m glad that I was able to be a safe place for you, baby.”
“You were.” She smiled. “You really were.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Emma?” His voice was quiet, pained. “I would have helped you through it, I promise you. I wouldn’t have ended anything, I wouldn’t have let you go through this alone.”
“I didn’t know that,” she said. “We agreed it was just s*x between us, Dean. Asking for anything more would have been changing the deal, and that would have been unfair.”
He leaned forward and touched her face. She closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath.
“I know what we agreed. Forget about that for a minute, OK? Forget what we said and forget what the deal was. I want to talk about what we really feel. What we really want.” He paused. “Is what’s between us still just s*x for you?”
Emma looked down at his hand holding hers. “No.”
“OK,” he said. “Not for me either.”
“It’s not?”
“No. And if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been for a while.”
She was quiet.
“Emma?”
She shook her head. “I can’t, Dean. I can’t ask you to be here for all of this.”
“Why not?”
Her eyes filled with tears. “Because it’s awful. I have chemo and I throw up for hours on end. Sometimes, the pain is so bad, I can’t stand to have anyone even touch me. All my hair’s going to fall out soon enough, and I’ll be… ugly.” Tears slid down her pale cheeks. “This whole thing is ugly.”
Dean wiped the tears with his fingers. She still couldn’t get over how gently this man could touch her with those huge hands.
“A few things to get straight between us, angel. First, you will never be ugly. Not ever. This illness is ugly and I get that – but you’re not. Second, I can be here if I want to be, and if you’ll have me. I have friends who’ll be there if I need to lean on them, just like you have yours. Third, I know all about fighting a losing battle against an enemy you can’t even f*****g see. I know how afraid and frustrated you are. I know you feel all alone. But you’re not alone, honey. Let me be here for you.”
“But I won’t even be able to make love soon,” she said. “You can’t – you need that from the person you’re with, I know. You won’t be able to do without that.”
“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do without. I went through intensive and specialized military training and three tours in Afghanistan. You think I was getting laid every night? I can go without s*x for long periods of time just fine, thank you very much. I’ll wait for you to get stronger.”
“I won’t, though.” Her voice was soft. “I won’t get stronger, Dean. I’m not going to get better.”
“What about a stem cell transplant? The bone marrow transplant?”
“How did you know about that?” she asked.
“The girls told me.”
“They what? When?”
“When I stayed right here in the hospital for the last two days.”
Emma stared at him, incredulous. “You what? You’ve been here for two days? And nobody said anything to me about it?”
- Writer
