Chapter 185
1231 Words
“OK. I’ve thought about it.”
Jim glanced up from making up the sofa-bed. Kat was leaning against the hallway wall, her arms wrapped around herself. She looked nervous.
“OK,” he said cautiously.
“I’ll talk to you and the guys,” she said. “I’ll – I’ll tell you as much as I can, but on two conditions.”
“Name them.”
“Nobody tells my friends anything. I do that myself, if and when I feel ready.”
“Yeah, OK. That seems fair.”
“And…” She stopped.
“And what?”
“And if you don’t convince me that you can keep him away from me, then I get to leave. I mean, right away. Tomorrow.” She nodded at the suitcase. “I get to pick that up and walk out the door, and none of you stop me or follow me. Dallas doesn’t track me with his teams, nobody asks around at the bus or train stations. You just – let me go. You forget that you ever knew me.”
Jim stared at her determined face, and was surprised to feel an ache in his chest at the thought of her maybe being gone at this time the next day.
Goddammit… am I actually expected to agree to this? To just letting her walk on out of here, all alone and unprotected? No f*****g way.
“Kat…”
“No.” She cut him off. “Non-negotiable. If I’m honestly not convinced, I get to leave.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “You’ll give us a fair hearing? Have an open mind and really listen? Not go into this with one foot already out the door?”
“I will, Jim. I’ll give you a chance to show me.” She looked away. “I – I want to stay, you know. I like my life here.”
That got his head straight again. In his anger at her, he’d forgotten that Kat had a great thing going for her here in Denver: good job, decent place to live, amazing friends. She was happy here, he knew, and the fact that she was ready to just junk it, to throw it all away with both hands, should have told him how scared she was of whoever she was hiding from.
She’s willing to lose it all, start again from zero and all alone, just to make sure she’s safe. f*****g wake-up call, man, so listen up, OK?
“I know you do.” He walked over to her, took her shoulders gently. “I know you’d stay if you felt like you had that choice.”
Her green eyes filled with tears.
“It’s alright, baby.” He wiped the tears away, his hands more tender than she thought they could ever be. “Let’s just see if me and the boys can give you that choice. OK?”
“OK,” she whispered.
Can they offer me that? The choice to stay this time, to not run?
God. I hope so.
****
Dean got home from the tattoo parlour at just past eleven o’clock that night. His last client had wanted a huge job done, and Dean had agreed because the guy was a regular. Also, he thought that maybe Emma needed some more time on her own.
He stood in the living room, taking off his jean jacket, listening. The house was quiet, and he walked down the hall slowly, hoping that she was awake. He needed to hear how she was doing.
Dean stood in the bedroom doorway, listening to her steady breathing. She was curled up on her side, facing away from him, and he sighed. He knew that she was pretending to be asleep.
Baby, I have watched and listened to you sleep for hundreds of hours. I know your after-chemo breathing, and I know your after-great-s*x breathing, and I know your f*****g-exhausted breathing.
“Emma.” He kept his voice gentle. “I know you’re not sleeping, angel. But it’s clear to me that you don’t want to talk, and that’s OK. Just listen to me, though.”
He paused, gathering his thoughts, and her breathing stilled.
“I know you’re scared to hope," he said. "You’re scared to believe it’s over. Hell, all we’ve done for as long as we’ve been together is look as far as the next blood test, the next chemo session, the next bone marrow check. And now? Now you’re being told to look to a whole, wide-open future, and I know that’s huge. Huge enough to crush you.”
Emma turned to face him, her eyes very dark in the half-light.
“What happens if you let in even a tiny bit of that hope, and the cancer comes back?” he asked. “What if you get a glimpse of that whole amazing future, and it’s just taken away from you? I think that’d break your heart, Emma. I know it seems easier to just not hope or believe, in some ways. But if you do that, baby, if you just refuse to live for beyond tomorrow, then you’re not really living, are you? And if you’re not going to really live, then why did we fight so hard to save your life?”
She sat up, and he came to the bed, sat on the edge.
“It’s your choice, Emma. I’ll have your back no matter what you decide to do, you know that. But I’m thinking now about the future that I want with you… marriage, kids, our own house, grandkids. The whole damn thing. And the only way I’ll throw myself into all of that is if you’re by my side and as committed to it as I am. To the love and mess and chaos of all of it.” He held her eyes. “No holding back, no half-belief. All-in.”
“Dean…”
“It’s OK.” He pulled her to him. “You’ve had one hell of a day, and I’m beat. We’ll talk tomorrow, alright?”
She nodded against his chest. “I love you.”
“God, I love you too.” He kissed the top of her head. “Now, get some sleep. We’ll take it all up tomorrow. When you’re ready, OK?”
Dean went to the bathroom to have a shower before bed, and Emma lay down again. She’d been lying there for hours, her whole body tense with unhappiness.
She’d been sure that Dean was angry at her for her self-pitying response to what was actually amazingly great news. But – yet again – the man had been nothing but patient and compassionate with her. One more time he’d shown her who he was, his good heart shining through in every word he said.
Emma closed her eyes as she started to feel exhaustion wash over her. She'd intended to stay awake until Dean came to bed, but the shock of the day made her feel incredibly tired. She fell asleep, and when Dean came back into the bedroom, he smiled at her genuine slumber. He climbed into bed with her, took her in his arms carefully. Emma burrowed into his warmth, and he sighed.
Whatever comes, we’ll get through it, the same way we always have. Together.
- Writer
