Chapter 18
911 Words
“I think… I think I can get on board with that,” Emma said.
“Yeah?” He narrowed his eyes. “You sure you can handle that? I mean it, Emma – I’m not the relationship kind, believe me. If we start anything up and you expect me to change my mind, I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt. And I don’t want to hurt you, I swear.”
“So maybe we need to set some ground rules,” she said. “Before we decide to get into this.”
He smiled. “OK. Shoot.”
“First, we don’t tell each other anything too personal. We keep it casual, right?”
“OK.”
Emma thought about her chemo sessions, times when she may well be sick for days on end. “And we don’t have any expectations to see other all the time. When I disappear for a week to travel for work, that’s fine with you. OK?”
“Yeah.”
“While I’m gone, you can do whatever you want with other women. I just don’t want to hear about it.”
That surprised him. “Really?”
She shrugged. “Yeah.”
“So you’d be with other guys?”
Oh, sure thing. Nothing sexier than chemo, I assure you.
“Maybe,” she said, trying to sound casual. “I mean, why not?”
“OK.”
“And we never stay at my place.” She saw the surprise on his face. “Non-negotiable.”
He considered that quietly. “Can I ask why?”
“No.” She steeled herself for him to call the whole thing off. “I promise you I’m not married or living with anyone or raising a kid alone. Nothing like that. I just don’t want you to stay over with me.” She bit her lip. “Is that a deal-breaker for you?”
“No.” Dean shook his head. “So long as you’re not using me to cheat on someone, I’m fine with it.”
“OK, good. Ummm.” She thought for a second. “That’s it for me. You got anything to add?”
“Yeah. Two things.”
“OK.”
“First, you never sneak out in the middle of the night. You don’t want to sleep over? Fine. But you let me know you’re going. I don’t want to wake up to an empty bed like that ever again. Clear?”
She nodded. It had never crossed her mind that he might have minded waking up to find her gone. She thought guys preferred that, actually.
“Second…” He hesitated. “I want to know why you didn’t have s*x for almost five years.”
She went very still. “I think that violates rule number one – not telling each other anything too personal.”
Dean looked at her face; it was cold and distant. She looked like she was shutting down on him, and he reached out and took her hand. She tensed.
“Emma,” he said softly. “I’m asking for a very good reason, OK?”
“What is it?”
“I’m worried that something happened to you – that you had a bad experience five years ago. If somebody hurt you or forced you sexually, I do need to know that. You can see that, right?” He touched her cheek. “If you were attacked, and I’m the first guy you’ve been with since it happened, there may be times when you’d feel scared or freaked out. And I’d need to understand what was going on.”
She stared at him. It had never occurred to her that he’d see her abstinence that way.
“You don’t have to go into details,” he said. “Just tell me if somebody hurt you.”
She shook her head. “Dean, I was never raped or abused. What happened five years ago wasn’t about that. It was – it was awful. But it had nothing at all to do with sex.”
His eyes held hers. “Yeah? You’re telling me the truth?”
“Yes. I promise you. I wasn’t hurt in that way.”
“You weren’t beaten or… I don’t know… injured? Nothing that I may trigger by accident while we’re in bed together?”
“No.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. “But you won’t tell me what happened?”
“No,” Emma said. “I’ve told you what it wasn’t, and that’s all I’m going to say. Can you live with that?”
Dean looked at her. “Yeah. I can.”
“One more condition,” she said. “Last one.”
“OK.”
“Either one of us can end it at any time. No reasons given, no explanations offered, no guilt or hysterics from the other person. But it does have to be clearly stated. No disappearing forever without a word. We at least owe each other a face-to-face conversation about it being over for good. Deal?”
“Deal,” Dean said. “So. Do we shake on it?”
She shook her head and stood up. “No. We seal this deal another way. Back at your place.”
He stood up too and threw some money on the table. “Sounds good.” He was hard already. “Sounds very good.”
- Writer
