Listen Before You Speak

Chapter 6

No! No! No! No! No!

I couldn’t believe Blake actually did this! Is he trying to be funny?

As I look down on my desk where I just sat down I can’t believe he did something so openly. Anybody could have seen him, and let’s be honest. Alice is already after me because of him. I already have more than enough trouble without becoming visible at school.

My hand quickly swiped up the tube of glue and shoved it into my pocket, while I tried my very best to hide the envelope under my desk, as well as trying to open it in a way nobody would see, not that it would work out very well as the class started to fill with people.

Blake was the very last person to enter. Even after Mr. van Leer. He gave a warm smile, but I ignored him, even as he took the seat right next to me like he always did; making me shove the envelope into my pocket for later study. There is just no way that I was going to show him that his “warm” gesture got to me.

“Hey Elijah.” Blake fixed his beanie on his head, which had nothing wrong to begin with, and then lazed back into his seat.

I just ignored him. What did he want me to say or do? Give him the glue back and tell him to go ahead and glue me all the way up and down? Sadly things are never that easy in life.

“Are you just going to sit there and ignore me all day?” Blake whispered towards me. I could only imagine the big goofy smile he must have had on his face, but I kept my face as solid as stone, staring at Mr. van Leer, who has since begun reading from The Scarlet Letter which was really starting to bore me. I almost turned to the side and faced Blake, just to not listen to Mr. van Leer.

“Psst…”

Damn… Does this guy never stop trying? How long will it take him to get the picture? I’m not interested in a relationship! At all! Or maybe I am. I don’t know anymore. Everything is just way too complicated at the moment. I need time to think. To get my dad out of my life again. To just go back to normal, or as normal as normal could possibly be for me.

“Did you read my letter?”

This time I could not help but look towards him. A letter? The envelope has an actual letter inside it? I remember that my grandmother once told me that if a person takes the time to actually write you a letter then they are worth having in your life. She always said that the most important gift that a person could give was their time, and with a letter they gave time and effort. Maybe it was true?

I finally decided to do something in return to I simply nodded at his. What else did he want me to do? Speak? It was not like I could do that here at school. Everybody still thought I was the weird mute kid, and by the looks of it I have been attracting way too much attention to myself thanks to Blake taking some odd sort of liking in me.

“Do you have a thing for broken-wing birds?!” I wanted to shout that out to him, but I didn’t. Did Blake not know that to get involved with a broken person would only lead to heartache? The bird would eventually die and he will be the one getting hurt at the end of the day. That is just the way things work in life. I didn’t make the rules.

When the bell finally rung I didn’t wait for Blake to pack his bag. I didn’t pack either. I just grabbed everything in my arms and stormed out of the classroom, not even looking back when I heard Mr. van Leer calling my name down the hallway, probably telling me not to run in the hall.

I didn’t stop until I reached the far bathroom on the other side of the school. Only when I was secure in the cubicle did I breathe again. I was in a space where nobody ever came, and besides that, I was safe. I did not have to talk and I had no intention whatsoever to join in on my next period. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with Mrs. Sanders as well as the Civil War, Graham Bell, or Hitler for that matter. I needed alone time. Who in any case cares what happened like a million years ago? History is one subject that I really don’t see myself using someday soon.

I finally sat down on the closed toilet and pulled the envelope from my pocket. I had no idea why, but I had to sniff it. It smelled like him. It made me remember the night on the bike. Blake being so close to me that I could smell him. For a moment I wished I was back on that hill. That he would offer again to glue me and that I would say yes and be his forever, but there was nothing realistic about that. The weird emo kid did not end up with the cool hipster. That is just not the way that things work in the real life.

And even though I am scared of what I will find I still work up the courage and slowly as not to damage the envelope too much, tear it open to reveal a paper inside that looks like parchment. Stained to look a hundred year old. So much care to put into such a little gesture.

Elijah…

Okay, so I’m not sure how to begin the letter, that’s why it is only your name. What did you expect? “Dear”? It just didn’t feel right. Not just yet in any case. But please know that I do think you are “dear” and also very cute, but that is another matter altogether.

I know you don’t like talking, and I have no idea why, and believe me I do not want to push you any further than I already have. I am sorry for that. That said I would still like to be more than just a friend to you. I want to be a part of your life, and if you don’t want to talk it is fine. Maybe we could just write to one another if that would make things a bit easier for you? It could maybe be like in those romantic movies where someday our grandkids find old letters on the attic and then starts looking for the other person, unravelling the mystery of the secret love of their grandparents.

So instead of being my boyfriend (which is totally what I would like to call you) would you then rather just be my pen pal for now? Just someone that you can write to when you feel like things are getting too much for you? I would really like to be your person you can write to. You have seen “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” before? Please be like Charlie and let me in, even if you don’t know me that well.

Meet me at the old apple tree after school if you can open up just a bit…

All my love,

Blake

P.S. The glue is to glue each letter shut with. Think about it as gluing every piece of brokenness in your world together again. If you don’t want me to glue you, maybe you can do it by yourself in this way?

Xxx

I had to read the letter twice. He sounded so sincere in what he was writing. He also had a very pretty handwriting, almost like that of a girl. I liked it. It suited him in a way. He’s just like the letter. Rough and an old soul on the outside, just like the letter, but soft and caring like his handwriting on the inside. I can’t help but like that about him.

When the lunch bell finally rang I emerged from the bathroom and made my way over to the cafeteria. Even emo kids get hungry some times. This was a mistake I knew just as I bumped into something hard.

“Elijah… Why isn’t it good to see you?” Her voice was like honey, but the sweetness did not reach her eyes or her smile. Her smile looked like a shark – Jaws, ready to swallow me whole.

“Wait, let me help you,” Alice said as she held out her hand toward me.

I didn’t even noticed that I fell, but there I was, flat on my back with the nice-mean girl standing above me. I had no idea if it was the wisest decision to take her hand, but in the end I did. It would’ve looked strange if I didn’t. I didn’t plan on saying thanks however. I didn’t plan on saying anything.

“Can we maybe talk quickly?” The smile on her face still didn’t change. It was like it was plastered on her face with cement, not changing, just growing more and more eerie by the second.

I nodded. What could go wrong? She was just a girl. An occasionally mean girl, but still a girl.

I followed her down the way I came and into an empty classroom where she closed the door behind us.

“I’m just going to get straight to the point. Leave Blake alone. He likes me, but he seems like one of those guys that’s into charity work. And currently his eyes are set on you.”

See. There she was. The mean girl after the nice girl. I sighed, and then looked her straight in the eyes. I wonder if it bothers her that she can’t see my eyes behind my fringe.

“Now, I’m only going to say this once more. And please, I really do mean this out of the goodness of my heart. Blake only sees you as a charity. As the weird kid. He’s really not into you, even though you stare at him like he’s something to eat. He is into me. Not you. Please stop embarrassing yourself. You’re nothing special. You are just a kid he feels sorry for.”

She didn’t wait for a response from me. Alice just left the classroom, leaving me alone to my thoughts. A part of me wanted to storm out of the classroom and shout: “He’s gay, you b***h!” but for some reason I could not muster the strength to do that.

Maybe he did see me as a charity case? All he could talk about was fixing me. Fixing my problems, and helping me. Maybe he just really felt sorry for me and confused it for being in love. Seriously. Look at me. I am nothing to look at. I’m scrawny. Nobody can see my eyes through my fringe and above that I wear weird crosses over my mouth to scare people away. Maybe it wasn’t even that he felt sorry for me, but that he saw me as some project that he could work on. Maybe he wanted to change me into him.

One think however was for certain. He didn’t like Alice the way that she thought. He was definitely gay. No straight guy would write another guy a letter telling him he wants to call him his boyfriend.

Still, I could not help what I was feeling. I want to be back home. I need to be in bed. I could not stand being at school anymore. And I needed to cut. I needed to see the blood to know that the cold feeling I was feeling was not me being dead. I needed that conformation that I was still alive somehow, even if it was only my flesh.

I left the classroom and walked. Past the school gates. Down the street.

I walked until I got home, but kept on walking even past that. I didn’t want to know where I was walking anymore. I just needed to walk as far away as I could. Away from everything and everyone.

Away from Alice.

Away from my dad.

Away from mom.

But most of all… As far away from Blake as I could possibly go.