Lucky to Die?!

Waiting... Memories

The process of waiting sucks. To plan in detail sucks. Want it fast. PATIENCE. Is it still in me?

The 23rd of June, 2020. Summer holidays have started. Probably will be easier. HOPE dies the last. Need to think something else. Something better. Without escape!

HATRED. From where did it come? Well, we were two in the family. One is ALWAYS working hard, trying to achieve something great in her life. Another lazy, no work, but wants to have everything like precious earrings, expensive clothes, nails and hair done. NO WORK. So why am I the one working so hard?

At work. Long hours. Less sleep. Weak. Nervous. Trying my best. Low salary. Hard. Heavy. No air. Became the perfect actress. Smiling, pretending. APPLAUSE!

At home. Negative atmosphere. No joy. Sadness. No mood. Anger? Mom is angry. Life is like a madhouse just no creepy paranoiac faces. STILL SIMILAR.

Do I feel the pain? Frankly, I lost myself long time ago. Actually, was destroyed. Cracked into the pieces. One of my friends was killed. Life is unfair. Lying... He was more than that. My lover.

Remember that night so clearly. Seems like it is happening now. Noisy party outside. All laughing, telling jokes. Suddenly. One loud SHOT. Turning. Seeing him falling down on the floor. Blood. Much much blood. OH MY GOD, help, help, somebody help! Why? Who? How? Where?... How?

At hospital. Cold in the corridor. Waiting. Difficult operation for 5 hours. No sleep. Honestly praying. Asked God that he will save him, could give my own life for his recovery. Tear my heart from the chest and give it to him. SILENCE...

A doctor shows up telling there is no chance of him to survive. Lost much blood, inner wounds, the heart is very weak. Where is the MIRACLE when you need it the most? WHERE?

Went to a white dirty ward. Tears running like a flooded river. Couldn’t watch. Was so hard. The TIME stopped. No air in my lungs. Wanted to die with him. Took his hand saying everything will be FINE. We have so much to do, see, hear, smell and feel. Remember said, ‘I love you. Please, don’t leave me in this damn f*****g world alone. Please, survive. Be alive! Without you I am nothing. Can’t be myself anymore. No me if no you. I will stop to breathe, live. Please, stay with me, please!!!!!’

He opened his black tumid eyes. Looked at me. Wearing a smile. ‘Listen! You are my sunbeam. The best thing in my life. No regrets meeting and knowing you. I am so grateful to God he gave you to me. Everything will be OK. Remember, whenever I be, will always love and protect you’. PASSED AWAY...

RECALL. Shook him so strongly. Screaming. Holding still warm hand, couldn’t let it. Dying. Going insane. Screaming with all my strength. Falling on my knees, looked up. Fainting, ‘God, don’t take him!!!’ Dose of medication. The forced sleep.

I died that night too. My whole world died. Everything inside and outside. Just empty body left. Why to be in this Earth? What is the REASON? Lost my emotions. Put so many different masks. Afterwards, stopped talking for 5 long months. Got ill. No f*****g word could come from my mouth. Saw people around crying seas. But... they don’t understand my pain. Nobody can. They didn’t loose anybody. f**k THEM ALL!

Now pain is my dear friend. All this world is just a brutal game. Think I even don’t have a SOUL anymore. 

Need to remove that b***h! That’s all [my plan] for now.