SECOND CHANCE

CHAPTER 4

It was my third glass when I hover my eyes around the bar. I usually don't care about the surrounding when I came to drink. There's just something in me to look in every person who occupies all the table inside this bar. My eyes suddenly stops to one of the person who occupy one of the table far from me. He was talking to a waiter. Probably asking for another drink. To ease the pain that suddenly rushed my heart I gulp down my drink and ask for another one.

How lucky I was to see the person that cause why I felt like I was dying right now. I finished my fourth glass and ask for my bill. At the corner of my eyes I saw him do the same. I walked out from the bar to look for another place to continue what I was doing. I can't stand the thought that we were on the same place. I might run to him and kiss him and put him to bed and suddenly will lead me to regret this by tomorrow.

He clearly says that we were done already. I don't see the love in his eyes anymore. Maybe because of that guy name, Jay. He already forgot about me. He doesn't love me anymore. That thought irritate me causing me to kick all the things I saw that was on my way. It was not long when I suddenly felt that someone's behind me. I felt that there is two eyes that was staring at me. This feeling is familiar. I know this gaze even without looking.

I've confirmed that my thought was right when I saw his reflection to one of the glass door that we passed by. It was really him. He's following me. His two hands in his pocket. He's too relax while following me. The thought of him before who was always behind me. Running after me. The Rome that always got my back. I realized that from the first day he was always running after me. He always wait for me. He patiently wait for me, all the time. When I, I always take my time because I was so sure that he'll wait. He will wait no matter what.

That's how stupid I was. When I decided to not look for him and just wait for him to come back four years ago was a bad idea. On that, I realized that for waiting, I never thought that I would lose the very important person in my life. I thought when he found out that I patiently waited for him like what he used to do will make him run back to me and everything will be fine. I suddenly felt mad at my self.

"Yeah, it's finally over." I annoyingly look at the sky to stop the tears that was about to fall. "It was over when he left you four years ago without any words. Why did you just realize now that it was over?" I look at up the sky to look for strength to stop myself from crying. I keep my voice from shaking.

I look down and look at the ground. "Thank you. For everything." This time I let those tears to have a race down to my cheeks. "Sorry, I did not make it before you decided to stop from waiting."

"I'm sorry for giving you those pain from four years ago. Again, I failed once again. I failed from protecting you. I failed from keeping you by my side." I let a loud sigh before I continue talking. "I failed by letting you know that I love you enough."

I put all my strength to face him. I don't care if I look like a mess. I don't care if I have those tears running down like crazy all over my face. "I love you. I just don't know how to show you. But I loved you. From then, until now." I failed by keeping my voice from shaking. Even my body was shaking while I was talking. I took a deep breath. Wipe all the tears from my face and look him in the eyes. This will be the most painful of my life but I want to give my last smile to him. I smile widely before I say the last word that my heart wanted to say for too long. "I love you."

I don't bother to wait for his reaction. I turn my back on him quickly. I don't have to see no emotion on him after my confession. It will break me. I need something to hold on to for me to continue my life. I was so wreck. I don't know where will I start. I don't know how will I pick every broken pieces that was shattered into small pieces from how it was broken from four years ago. I live my life for four years telling myself that he will be back and we will just have to explain everything and everything will be fine.

I am so confident that after all this year he will still love me the same. But now, everything's gone. I don't have him anymore. Now, I am completely all by myself. I have no one to turn to. Not even hope to hold on to. I don't feel any presence behind me anymore. I don't dare to look back. If I look back it might end up me being selfish and force him to come back to me. I don't want to throw his happiness once again. I might end up hurting him again. I can't make sure that this time, he won't be as miserable like he was before. When I saw him for the first time today, I felt like I was looking on a different person. He was not the Rome that love me anymore. He was gone. This time, it's for good.

It's been three days when the last time that I was out from my room. The room that used to be ours. The room that was filled by years of memories and love. The little argument that we always had and end up making up since we need to have each other for us to fall a sleep in peace.

The house that was filled by his presence. Ever since the day that he left I never move anything. I leave everything like how he like it to be. I don't dare to change everything. This made me get by everyday. Knowing that in this house, the only place that I have him. His things, his shots. The favorite food that he always want to eat. I don't remember on how many times I had to change those since it already expired.

I feel the pain from my head to my body from standing up. I was just lying here for three days and let all the tears have their own mind on when to come out. I feel lazy enough not to even help myself to have a drink even my mind want to get drunk.

I look at the phone that was ringing. I don't care who's calling. Maybe it was Angela from the clinic to ask when I will get back or maybe Arm to tell me to stop by the restaurant for the on going project. I don't care. I don't want anyone right now. I just want to be all by myself.

I fall asleep again after having a glass of water. I don't know how long I was sleeping when I heard my cellphone from ringing. I put my head under the pillow and ignore the call. It was already morning when I open my eyes. Today mark's the fourth day that I was just at home doing nothing.

I suddenly felt hungry. For three days, I was so occupied by crying to even think of being hungry. I help my self for a cup of coffee a toast and scrambled egg. I was about to eat when suddenly my phone rang once again. I still don't feel like picking it up but I realize that it will just end up of them crashing on my house worrying about me being dead. I don't want them to see how messed up I am.

I saw Arm's name on screen. I put my wireless earbuds on and ready myself to eat after answering his call. "Thank God you already answered. I was about to call a police to go there to check if your still alive. You make us worried." I heard the relief in his voice.

"Why?" I lazily ask while I was putting eggs on my toast. I took a big bite. My body feels like dancing from happiness after tasting some MSG on my lips. I suddenly realize that I was so hungry.

"Podd is here. We were almost done with the concept meeting. We need your opinion on which concept to have. This is your idea after all.

"You can do that. Decide whichever you want. You and Podd has the most knowledge on that." I tell them finishing up the second toast I had. This is the last one and I felt like having another one. I sip on my coffee before continue talking. "I will go with every concept you decide." I am still not ready to face Rome. Not this time.

"Hey, we need you to go here and decide with us. I'm now holding my anger but don't let me go there and drag you here. You know of what I'm capable of." I hear the anger in Arm's voice. Suddenly the image of him getting mad that I witnessed once flash back. "So, now get your ass out of that house or I will wreck your door open to drag you here."

"Hmmm." I said before he hung up the phone. I think I don't have a choice but to face this once and for all. Well, when will I start to move on? I might as well do it now or never.

I prepared another set of toast and a scrambled egg once again. I took a shower, clean myself by shaving before I go out. I suddenly realized that from that three days it seems my hair got longer. I think I need to have a hair cut now. I'll do it later before I go home.

I was about to start my car when I received a call from Angela. "Doc, your mom's dog is here. He needs a check up. Were you able to make it today?"

"Yes. I'll stop by first before I go to the restaurant. Tell them to wait. Is my mom there?" I start my engine and drive my car out from the driveway.

"Yes. I will let her know."

"Thank you. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

Angela stand up when she hear the chime from opening the door. Her smile is always ready to greet every clients to enter the clinic. "Doc, good morning." She politely greeted me.

"Good morning. Where is she?" I ask and look around. It feels like a month since I go here.

"She's in your office. By the way, Dr. Tay wants you in his office. After you attend your mom's dog."

"Alright. Thank you." I go to my office and saw my mom sitting there. This is the only time that we saw each other. And we secretly doing this without my Dad knowing. This is her way to get in touch with me.

She suddenly stands up and hugged me tightly right after I entered the room. "My son," I heard her voice shaking. For four years this is how we started our meeting. By her hugging me tightly and crying.

I pushed her away and wipe away her tears. I smile widely on her and ask her to sit down. I sat down in front of her and call for Leo, her dog, attention. I pet him while looking at my mom.

"How are you? You seems to lose weight. Are you skipping meals?" my Mom ask worriedly. She keeps scanning every corner of my face.

"I'm fine Mom. How about you? What's wrong with Leo this time?" I knew it was her excuse to see me but I feel like I need to change her focus on me. She may find out how much pain I was going through. I won't let her worried like that. I gave her enough heartache. I can't bear to give more.

Nothing's wrong with Leo. She just suddenly miss me. We talked for an hour when she received a call from my Dad. And it was the sign that she needs to go. I walk her out of the clinic to her car. I bid my goodbye and wait until her car's gone.

I entered Tay's office right after my Mom go home. "I heard you want me here." I said. He look at me from the paper that he was reading. I can see in his face how annoyed he was.

"Well, you were gone for three days without a word and you will just give me that I don't know why you want me here look in your face." I smile when he threw the papers on me causing for it to scattered all over the place.

I pick up one of the paper that was near me and put it on his table. I sat to the nearest chair from his working table. "I heard he's back." I don't need to clarify what he was asking. I clearly know what he wants to know. He's the only person who knows how I get by for all those days from four years ago. He witness all the pain. He witness how wreck I was.

"Yes. He's back. And now, he's totally gone. For good." I smile staring on my hands. It was my way of stopping my hand from shaking and holding my tears back. I can't just cry again but my eyes betray me. It let go all the pain that I thought I already dried out from three days of crying.