At last , Mami

Chapter 7

Another suicide attempt failed

After not dying from the over dose , I had my first encounter with Dr Irvine Douglas . He had engaged in a long session of counselling with me about life , love , death and the after life .He was unfortunate ,his words did not move me nor my spirit either. I was embarrassed at how i had survived .

I wove up another suicide plan on myself in my recovery days . The doctors were still extracting some of the sleeping pills residue from my body . They had connected several multiple tubes on me . There was a tube on my throat ,some on my stomach while the others were the IV drip ;connected slightly beneath my inner elbow and on my wrists .

Before hatching my plan into action , I quietly switched off the life support machine while nobody was around to avoid it from triggering what would happen soon .If i had not switched it off , it may have alarmed the doctors or the nurses on time. I did not want that.

I gathered enough courage and decided to yank out all the tubes that had been connected to my body vigorously . I felt incinerating grave pain upon taking the tubes out. I did not let the pain get the better of me at once. I held in an ear piercing scream which may have alarmed my attendants . It was going to be worth it, I was going to die.

I felt my throat throbbing and the pungent smell of blood had somehow gushed at my nostrils full. The taste of blood lingered on my tastebuds . My skin stung as blood was oozing out of my arms , back and stomach in spurls where the tubes and drip had been connected .The stinging gradually became unbearable , I kept biting at my lower lip. The bed was flooding with my blood .

'Yes ,that is it' , i thought as I felt blood coming out of me, flowing out like a waterfall.

I had no doubt I was going to die that day. My skin had began to turn blue.My eyes were sinking into a pool of pure deep blissful slumber .I was very hopeful as I subconsciously shut my eyelids tightly to an eternal sleep with a happy smile on my face .

My heavenly bliss was short lived , unfortunately .I woke up again ; from a three weeks' coma . Having thought it was heaven , my eyes adjusted themselves to the lighting in the theatre , I was dumbfounded .I had survived again, what a disappointment . It turned out that a nurse had came in on time ;before "the worst" happened and I had not heard her coming in. The worst did not happen .

The hospital had A+ blood in surpluses , coincidentally. I got most of the blood I had lost through a blood transfusion. I had beat death for the second time .

My skin had returned to it natural color . Only the IV drip had been connected to my wrist at my right. I could taste and smell the remnant blood on my tongue and in my nostrils . I felt a slight gain in my wrists-weight , they had been feeding me well over the past few weeks. I had improved quite drastically , as if nothing sinister had happened.

Dr Douglas gave me yet another un-moving lecture .He had taken up his time yet again to try to convince me to try to live longer .What's a long life worth if one isn't happy in it anyway?

I had complete faith that the third time was going to be the winner .

After almost fully recovering from a drug overdose and severe blood loss , I had been left with only a few more weeks to my dismissal from the hospital. I had no where to go. I had nobody to lean or rely on. I did not want to return to my world of solitude , it was eating at the remains of my soul .

One of the nurses served some fruits for me at lunch that day . She was reluctant to cut the fruits for me .She left behind a blade along with the fruits for me to cut and eat the fruits on my own. Just then , an idea of my third stroke me .

Instead of cutting apples only , I took time and slit my wrists too. I closed my eyes very tightly as I slit each wrist. The pain was excruciating and unbearable . I felt like dying at the soonest.

I bled heavily but not for long. Before I could lay my head back down on the pillow , Dr Douglas had already came into the ward for my afternoon checkup . He hurried from the door to a cabinet beneath me .He took out an injection . He plunged the needle into me and drew out it's contents into my inner elbow . I blacked out . I had another blood transfusion for my mild bloodloss. I was saved, yet again.I was very pissed at the doctor .He just could not wait to come in as I executed my number three . The third time had failed.

Dr Douglas arranged for all instruments , utensils or any objects that I could use to kill myself.

"Slicing your own wrists ? Really?" Dr Douglas asked disappointedly

".."I didn't not say anything

"With a blade ? So are you supposed to be served already cut fruits ,Miss ? "He continued

I did not answer him again.

" it's okay if you won't answer , but you seriously have to stop putting your own life in danger , Miss Beverly . Though it is always my duty to save you , it won't be always that I come in before the worst happens , okay ", he shouted while he turned to the door .I gaze at his withdrawing figure . He turned back to me before exiting the door.

"You know you can always come to me and share the problems you are having .I can spare my whole day for you .I'm your friend , Bev. I obviously care for your well-being. Please don't do this again ."Dr Douglas leaves after another moment's silence.

'The best you'd do for me is to just let me be .' I thought to myself before engaging in my afternoon nap.

There was never any sharp object seen lying around in my ward ever since .The doctors always kept a close eye on me especially Irvine .

I assumed they were very eager to hear of my grand departure from the hospital once I got discharged .

I made starving myself to death my number four, for as long as it worked .

I never drank or ate anything provided for me .I threw all the food into the trash cans and poured the different beverages out the window . I only remember passing out on one of the days .

I did not die of hunger then.

" A hunger strike ...really ?" Dr Douglas was stupedified .

"You are no longer a teenager Bev . You are twenty , an adult . We can't always think for you . You should not expect us to give you some sort of special attention. This hospital is a very large institute .You can't possibly be burdening so many doctors' and nurses' work loads. Be more considerate of us please , will you ? Just stop all this suicide mission of yours , it won't do you or us any good !" the doctor shouted .

"You know I don't want to burden you . It's not happening on purpose .I'm not just coincidentally surviving ,you are saving me .Blame it on yourselves . You should stop that! " I shouted glaring at Dr Douglas.

"..." Dr Douglas kept quiet .He was thinking of how to answer .

"Well , youll be free once I die ." I said as I laid my back on my pillow.

" I care about you . I don't want you to die . I know you respect me , but why won't you tell me exactly what it is that makes you feel this way .Maybe we may be able to solve it together .I'm always here for you .You can confide in me ",Dr Douglas softly said to me .He had a defeated look on his face .He was pitying me . I knew his words were genuine. The caring in his eyes felt real .Throughout the years I've lived , apart from my mother , Dr Douglas had managed to reach out to my soul .I always felt how deep his eyes dug to my soul . I had been pulled by them at some point , tempting me to submit to whatever came from Irvine'slips.

It never took long for me to come back to my senses .

" Please don't force any changes on me . I don't feel like telling anything from my past to you or anyone who is going to come after you . Leave me alone , will you !" I exclaimed and turned my back to him and shut my eyes . I was avoiding him.

" I'm not forcing anything on you . I am just your well-wisher .I wish only good for you . Attempting suicide every here and there , is not good for you !" he shouted and was numb for a while .

"Ooh ! Okay . Since you are still unable to trust me enough to tell me .I'll leave you be ." He continued with suppressed anger in his tone .I turned back to face him.

" Irvine, I ....", I wanted to explain but he never looked back and left .

'...I don't mean I don't trust you but , the walls have ears and I would never want Mr Smith to find me before I die ,by all means .Even if it means you getting mad at me for not telling you about it ',I whispered to myself quietly.

Since then , Dr Douglas prescribed nutrient supplement injections and pills for me for which he personally monitored my in take. The nurse begun to wait until I finished eating instead of just leaving me to it.They were more stricter towards me.

I was running out of ideas but before I completely could , another one hit me .I was not sure if it was going to work but I chose to take the risk ,although if i was to survive , I would be covered in bruises or unable to walk or both.

l jumped from a balcony on the second floor to the ground floor into the floor garden near the back entrance of the hospital .It was a messy fall. I incurred a broken arm and a leg, some bruises on my back and minor head injuries . I had survived . I was prohibited from leaving the ward.

I never left the ward , I was unable to , I could not move.

I slowly became able to move my right hand which was not broken. I wanted to suffocate myself by removing the oxygen mask connected to the ventilator machine but the machine beeped to alarm one of the doctors to check up on me . The doctor did not take long to rush to the ward and place the oxygen mask back onto my nose slightly tighter than before .

It did not take much longer time for the nurses to be able to move my body from the bed onto the wheelchair so I could be taken to the rest room.

With the few times I'd been able to go to the rest room , I had been noticing a weird substance that was kept at the corner of one of the window seals .I assumed the janitors had often left it there after cleaning or maybe it was kept there for continuous use.

I decided to poison myself with the toxic disinfectant on one of the occasions I had been visiting the rest .l gulped down the whole bottle empty. The disinfectant was not really as toxic as I thought.

The doctor made me drink a lot of milk to wash down the disinfectant from my system. It did not harm my body at all.

I had therapy sessions weeky to avoid having "too much free time", according to the doctor.