It was never going to be Easy

Self Sabotage

July

July was the dullest month of the year for me. I had many dark and turning days, and right now I'm going through something dark.

...

I'm sitting alone in my room. I have my earphones in my ears. I feel my palms starting to sweat and my heart beginning to beat faster. I take deep breaths in, trying to ignore what I'm about to go through.

You hopeless f**k. Nobody likes you.

"Shut up", I say to myself.

I sit up on my bed with my feet dangling over the end of the bed. I stare at my wooden floors, breathing in and out. I take my earphones out of my ears and throw it on my bed.

"You're fine. You've gone through this before, you can handle it", I say.

Look at you, your so f*****g ugly.

My right hand begins to shiver uncontrollably. I look up at my mirror and see tears forming in my eyes.

You will never be loved. You're going to end up on your own. Lonely and depressed. Because that's what you deserve.

"Stop. Just, stop. Please, stop", I say looking in the mirror, hitting my head with my hand.

I lay on the floor drowning in my tears. My heart begins to beat faster and faster. I rub my chest trying to make it stop.

You're friends all hate you.

I cover my face with my sweaty palms hoping my mother can't hear me in this state.

He'll never like you. You are nothing compared to him.

Him. Think about him. About his eyes, how it's almost the same colour as honey. About his hair, that it falls perfectly into place.

My heart slows down.

Think about how he looks at you. About the fact that he glows amongst a crowd.

I start breathing slower.

Think about his smile. And the way he walks.

I open my eyes and my tears had stopped flowing already. I sit up on the floor and wipe my tears away.

There has always been this deep dark pit inside of me. Fighting all my good thoughts. Usually the pit always wins and I end up unconscious in my room from crying it all out. But for the first time that didn't happen. I escaped my bad thoughts for the first time. Because of him. When I thought of him I began to feel better.

I stand up from the floor and open my door, rushing into the bathroom so no one sees me. I look in the mirror and turn on the faucet. I wash my face with cold water.

At that moment I had found my anchor. My barrier between good and bad. And yes, I am my own worst enemy.

xxx

I'm so sorry mom. I should of told you that I was hurting inside. I just didn't want to burden you with my problems. I know that you're already going through your own battles and I didn't want to be another reason for you to stress yourself out. I should of told you that there's this little voice in my head playing games with me. I love you so much mom. I would never want to hurt you.