Despair

I Need To Know

I've just walked in.

"I'm just saying..." I hear Ethan as soon as I step into the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the huge stash of food and drink that Jack always puts out for us. "If there are way more lives in... you know, than in blood, right? Which is, like, one."

"You don't mean—"

"Then why don't vampires just suck d**k?"

Oh, f**k.

"Don't you ever wonder that?" the dumbass insists. I'm still choking on my sip of beer when I hear Jack's dumbfounded response. 

"How do you even... No."

Dylan's cackling and Ian's giggling his ass off.

"I'm just saying, it makes sense!" 

"To your gay ass it does!" Jack points out with a laugh of his own, and I don't think I'll get to drink this without spitting it out again.

"Bi ass, thank you. And just think about it! He'd drink like a thousand lives or something!" From the moment I first met him, Ethan's been a mystery to me— he's somehow an A+ student with a hamster running on a wheel for a brain. It probably runs faster at school? I really don't know.

"No, that's not... It doesn't work like that."

"I don't know, man! I don't know... I'm gonna Google it."

"You're just gonna get fanfiction, though," Dylan says when he's able to breathe again.

"How's that a bad thing?" Ian comments. "Anyone wants a refill?"

"Sure, thanks! Grab anything from the kitchen," Jack tells him and now he's coming, isn't he? It's been literally one minute. Do I have a magnet or something?

Better by Cody Fry.

"Oh, you're here!" says Captain Obvious, and his face lights up in such a way that it makes all those things I'd started thinking: Hey— I might just not hate those about him that much, come rushing right back. 

Because why. Why is he this happy around me, still? Why.

He just can't be looking at the same person I see in the mirror everyday, that's the only way. 

Like now. That smile— that can't be for me. It's not. 

"Hungry?" 

Ian— for f**k's sake, don't you remember? "I'm fine."

"Really? You probably didn't have actual dinner, right?" 

 "I'm fine." What part do you remember? You remember the wrong things, don't you?  

"Okay! If you change your mind I think there's pizza in the oven."

"Gotcha." You remember too little. 

"Are you... okay?" 

"I'm fine, Jesus. Get off my ass," I snap, turning to look at him. And I've done it again. I've done it again. Don't you see this is how it's always going to be?

"I'm sorry, I thought... " he murmurs, playing with the strings of that hoodie. "—we were getting along again."

"Well, we're not." I'm already ruining your night, aren't I?  "So stay the f**k away."

You need... better. That's why you see it.

Ian's eyes harden and I can't look at them for one more second. And I don't even need to, really. I know he's scowling and that's isn't funny this time. He's about to leave, but then he still doesn't.

"You're... such a d**k when you want to be," he snaps, trying to stay angry but it just comes out exasperated. 

But that's the whole point. That's who I am. Damn it, I'm gonna have to say it, won't I? Otherwise he's gonna keep following me, like a puppy to an unworthy master.

"...how are you not scared of me," I mutter under my breath, and I didn't expect to say that, but I already did.

He didn't hear. "What?"

"How..." My hands curl on the cool marble of the counter and I stare at every grain in the pattern. Every tiny, ugly black spot on this otherwise clean surface. "How are you not scared of me."

"Why... would I be?" 

I shut my eyes so tightly that maybe I won't see it again.

"Because I f*****g bullied you every day?" I finally say and I want to turn to him, to dare him to deny it, but I have to keep these pathetic tears back. I'm not the victim here. "Because you'd... lock yourself in the bathroom when I was around?" I gesture blindly. "Are you gonna tell me that didn't do anything?"

"Oliver..." He's moving closer again.

"Stay the f**k away!" I shout. Just turn around, just face him, don't be another p***y. There— look at that face, look at the betrayal. You did that. You'll do that. "Don't you get it? Do I have to f*****g draw it for you?!"

"Do you really... " Look at him, you coward. "—feel that way? That's why?"

"That's why what."

"It wasn't that bad, Ollie!" 

What a stupid liar, why is he even trying, I was there. I am me. 

"Everybody picked on me, remember?"

"So? That makes it right?"

"No! But—"

"Right, it doesn't. It makes it worse," I state because it's just true. And the next words? I can't stop those— they come out so forcefully I might as well be throwing up. "You want to pretend that I'm not the same person, but I always will be, okay? You keep talking to someone else and I f*****g hate you for it. It's not like I don't like that version better, too!"

"You okay there?!" I hear Jack because... s**t, I'm making a scene. "Oliver?! Is that you, bro?!"

I need to get out of here. I said way too much. I said too little.

Ian starts freaking out, or maybe he was already. "Where are you going?!"

"Stop following me!" But he doesn't and I just want to beat my head against the wall until it'll make sense.

"Oliver, things changed! You changed!" he calls after me, even as I leave the house. "I'm sorry, I will leave you alone after this if you want to, okay? I promise."

So I stop. It's cold out here and now it's my back that's facing him. 

"But you're wrong about so many things!" 

He's delusional. Listen to him.

"Things changed a long time ago! We were... We became friends after that."

"No, we didn't."

"Yes," Ian... yells. "You're not gonna take away from me," he states and my throat is suddenly dry. "It was really important and you can choose to forget even if I.... even if I don't understand why, but I didn't make it up. Okay? Look at me."

I do— I try. 

"I thought about it, really hard," he continues, his eyebrows knitting together. "And I do make up things a lot, I do... But this time? I didn't."

You didn't. Say it. Say it. Say it.

"So you're not scared, you're saying." I'm the f*****g moron. Ethan has nothing on me. Why doesn't anything ever come out right? "You won't flinch if I do this?" I hiss instead, advancing him like I used to and probably will again if things go wrong. I have to show him— we're both right. "Go ahead and lie to my face, Miller," I hear myself growling as I close the last inches between us, my palm flat on the wall behind him. Maybe now he'll f*****g remember.

But Ian doesn't close his eyes like he used to. And, suddenly— I'm paralyzed. 

He's not lying. Something's different. 

"I never lied to you," he kind of murmurs. I don't know, he's never sounded like this before.

"You're..." I take him from head to foot. "—f*****g trembling, though." 

"Uh-huh," he breathes. "I know."

I stare back at him but it's not my choice anymore. "But you're not scared."

He shakes his head pretty vehemently.

"Then what the hell is it?" 

"I'm, um..." He swallows visibly and I can hear his heart. And mine. "Um... " I look down at his lithe fingers when they reach for something. He smells like ginger, and leaves, and now he's pulling from my jacket, what is even happ— "Kiss me."

What? "Don't do thi—" Shut up.

"Please," he whispers and my whole body's on fire this time— my head's empty. God, that feels good. "Once. Please, I need to know."

"Guys?!"  

"Come on, come on," Ian begs me, tugging the fabric again and I can't f*****g breathe. I can't move, either— his eyes are still holding me. "Quickly."

But— "You're not talking to that guy anymore?"

He's panting. "Hell no." 

And now I am. "Since when?"

His eyes f*****g burn. "Since now."

Oh, s**t.

"Guys! We're—"

"What?!" Ian shouts, stunning Jack standing in the doorway. Any other time I would have snickered at Ian practically acting like... me. But before I know it, I've moved away. "I'm sorry," he goes back to himself. "Um... What?"

Jack raises both palms with high eyebrows and just walks right back into the house. And by the time I would guess Ian's turned back to me, I've walked away, too.

I Like Boys by Todrick Hall.

It's three a.m. 

I can't sleep, not that that's new. 

The air in the room feels thick, my body's way too awake and p**n's not helping me this time— at all. That's not normal for me, it's usually a pretty quick deal.

Fucker. He... broke me.

"I'm different over text, I think... More... uh, you know. Bolder."

Me too but...

Nah.

No.

Fuck no.

Not a chance.

(03:05) hey

Delete that now. He's probably not even awa—

(03:05) hi 

Now what. Now what. Now f*****g what.

(03:06) can't sleep either? 

(03:06) right

...

Type faster, motherfucker.

(03:07) what's up? ?

Me.

(03:07) not much

...

Nothing? Okay, uh... 

Fuck it.

(03:07) wanna play?

(03:08) sure!

(03:08) when?

(03:09) now

(03:10) ?

That's an emoji. An emoji is winning over p**n.

(03:10) um 

And that.

(03:10) what do you want to play?

(03:11) idk

(03:11) hbu

(03:12) I don't think I can say

(03:13) try me

(03:13) ?

God.

(03:13) we can... play question ping pong

(03:14) what's that?

(03:14) I ask you something and then you do, back and forth 

(03:15) sure

As long as he keeps talking.

(03:16) where are u right now

(03:16) in bed

(03:16) you?

(03:17) same

(03:18) ur turn

(03:18) asking right back doesn't count cheater

(03:19) okay! ? what are you doing?

(03:20) nothing yet

(03:20) u?

(03:21) depends

(03:21) on?

(03:22) what you say next

(03:23) ok but it's ur turn again

Come on... help me out here.

(03:24) ummm

(03:24) are you warm?

(03:24) yeah

(03:24) you

(03:24) definitely

(03:25) what made that happen?

(03:26) *who

(03:27) really?

(03:27) yeah but don't ask again

(03:27) how do I help??

(03:28) you tell me Miller

(03:29) don't chicken out

(03:30) me?!

(03:31) if you don't kiss me next time we see each other

(03:30) I'm going to die

Fuck.

(03:30) yeah?

(03:31) yes I'm already dying actually

I hear myself chuckle breathily. He's so fucking...

(03:31) kiss where?

(03:31) oh god

(03:31) where do you like it?

(03:32) find out

(03:33) am I dreaming?? 

So fucking...

(03:34) no

(03:34) okay just checking!

Cute. Ugh.

 (03:34) umm your neck

(03:34) close

(03:34) oh um

(03:34) jaw

(03:34) warmer

(03:34) ear

Fuck...

(03:35) jackpot

(03:35) then I'd nibble it

(03:35) and climb on your lap

Damn, there you go.

(03:36) f**k yes

(03:36) you have nooo idea how wild I'd go on you 

(03:36) you really don't

(03:36) I'm shaking right now.

Me too, fucker.

(03:36) you still drive me SO crazy

Uh...

(03:37) still?

(03:37) more

So... No, don't ask that. Don't as—

(03:38) so you didn't get over it

Moron.

(03:39) I tried...

(03:39) and? 

(03:41) it only made me want you more

Okay.

Alright.

Why am I this hard now and suddenly wondering—

(03:40) are u loud

(03:40) I would be

Oh.

(03:40) so u never...

(03:41) no

He and that guy... they didn't?

(03:41) but I can tell anyway

(03:41) how?

(03:41) I'm really trying not to be right now

Jesus. 

Do I ask him to hear? I wanna hear. 

(03:42) you grew up so much Ollie... ?

(03:42) you too

(03:42) your arms drive me craaaazy

(03:43) your waist is so f*****g tiny

(03:43) and you like that?

(03:43) too much

(03:43) I can feel your hands holding it right now

(03:43)  kiss me ?

(03:44) I know it's stupid this way but please?

Does he mean...

(03:45) this? ?

(03:45) yes yes

(03:46) okay

(03:46) so ??

(03:46) God ????????

(03:46) damn

(03:47) I told you

(03:47) this really is stupid but ??

(03:47) omfg

(03:47) you must be SO good

Where the hell's the little fi—

(03:48) ??

(03:48) gooood

(03:49) can't believe this s**t does it for u

Good thing I need just one hand for this, though.

(03:49) not mutual?

(03:49) shut up

(03:50) ???✊??

Oh, that's—

(03:50) shit

(03:50) ????✊??✊??✊??

Now my spine's rising to meet his phantasmal hand and how is my d**k feeling that.

This is what he meant by bold, huh?

(03:50) fuckk

(03:51) do you feel it?

How does he know.

(03:51) I f*****g do 

(03:52) ??

Motherfu—

(03:52) f**k stop stop stkp

(03:52) why?? ✊???

(03:53) how close??? ??

Does that mean he's breathing on my di—

(03:54) stupidly wtf

(03:54) then no ?

(03:55) watch closely okay?

(03:56) k

(03:57) ?????...

(03:58) ?????...!

(03:58) ✊???✊????!!!

Jesus... f**k!

I can't believe I'm f*****g getting off to tiny symbols like some kind of horny ancient Egyptian.

And sweating like one.

(03:59) Ollie...

(03:59) yeah???

(04:00) Audio_00665.mp3

"Feed me..."

Oh, what the f—!