Out Of Body Experience

Chapter 6: I Retreated

I kept fighting with myself, trying to stay brave, holding onto the momentum like it could drown out the emptiness inside me.

She slipped off her shirt and pulled me in closer, egger and unguarded. hungry for my touch. To break free from the paralysis overwhelming me, I buried my face against her chest, consumed by desire, desperate and unrestrained, as if nothing else could satisfy me.”

She leaned back, pulling me in deeper. I felt her heartbeat against my lips, her scent growing stronger, the heat between her thighs burning me both emotionally and physically.

Then, suddenly, anxiety washed over me. My lips began to numb. Was I moving too fast? What if I couldn’t keep up with her emotional openness? Was I truly ready to accept and receive the pleasure she wanted to give?

I abruptly stopped, pulling away from her ever‑tightening clasp. My sudden restraint jolted her from the euphoric state she was in. With an impatient sound, she asked, “Why did you stop?”

It was a simple question, but heavy — impossible for me to answer in a way that sounded sane. My voice weakened. “I felt overwhelmed. I couldn’t escape it.”

“What do you mean? Aren’t we sharing a beautiful moment — naked, physically and emotionally?” Her impatience was rising. Our incompatibility stared at us.

Feeling defeated, I responded, “I don’t know how to explain it. I think I was expecting too much from this moment. I thought it would fill the ever‑growing void that threatens to consume me, to self-destruct.”

I didn’t expect her to understand. How could she? She looked confused, as if I were speaking in tongues, unable to form a question or an answer.

For the first time tonight, she traded places with me. While I tried to escape the strange world I’d stumbled into, she was left in thought, lost in a universe all too familiar to me.

I took one last glance at her — she looked like a blossomed rose, that held my eyes captive. Then I turned and rushed to the door before she could speak. I knew I wouldn’t have the willpower to escape her voice the way I had escaped her embrace.

The next day I was more irritable than ever, as if I had aged thirty years overnight. Everything annoyed me, but more than anyone or anything, I hated myself on the most personal level.

Was I angry about the missed opportunity with the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on, or furious at my own existence? I wanted to retreat, to drown in misery and shut out the world — but I couldn’t. I was expected at the company where I had applied as an intern.

Going through the motions, I barely dressed. I looked disheveled, but I was too exhausted to care.

Every second of last night replayed in my mind. I repeated it as if I could turn back time, doubting that even if I could, I would make any difference at all.

“What the f**k is wrong with me?” I shouted aloud, punching the steering wheel.

At work, I did the bare minimum. Being irrelevant had its perks — no one paid attention to how lifeless I was. Hoping to distract myself, I shifted my thoughts to my cubicle and noticed I was parallel to my boss’s office. Then I remembered why I chose this company in the first place: it’s not chaotic. Aside from the faded keyboard clicking, the hum of the air conditioner, and the occasional annoyed grunt from neighboring cubicles, it almost feels like a cemetery — quiet and lifeless, just the way I like it.

Trying to focus on my work, a vibration in my pocket jolted me awake. A text from Tessa: “So are you going to ignore me? Pretend like nothing happened?”

I felt out of breath. I knew I had to face her eventually but didn’t know how or when. “You f*****g i***t,” I mumbled under my breath, staring at the keyboard like it might generate a response for me. Finally, I started typing: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I could forgive myself for becoming the shadow in your life.”

I tried to be daring, to prove I was relevant to her, to keep my place in her roster of special people — but instead, I only highlighted my irrelevance. My phone vibrated aggressively. A call. She called me? Of course she did. When have I ever known her to back down? Quietly, I pressed ignore, believing I wouldn’t survive another human interaction with her.

For the rest of the day, I kept checking my phone, expecting another text. But none came. Why would she choose a coward like me? I didn’t think I could feel worse than I did when the day began, but here I was, wishing I hadn’t woken up.

I drove home barely conscious. I hadn’t eaten all day, and my stomach growled, siding with my brain to remind me how disappointed I was. I opened the fridge and pulled out stale bread — I couldn’t tell if it was a day old or a week old. I didn’t care how it tasted; I just wanted to silence my stomach.

While I struggled to chew bread that was no longer edible a notification sounded. For a moment, excitement surged — maybe it was Tessa. But reality set in: there couldn’t be good news.

Just as I thought, it was from her: “I tried to be a mirror that would reflect who you are when you start to live outside of your brain, but I guess I failed.”

That made me hate myself even more. She was nothing but understanding, loving, accepting — everything I dreamed of having. But I never considered who I would be once I had all of that. I wanted to leave her world the same way I entered it: quietly, unnoticed.