17th May, 2013
351 Words
17th May, 2013A week later, I visited James ‘K-Y’ Black’s home, situated in the suburbs of Shyton where there were tree-lined streets, freshly-cut lawns, and houses with their own gates and driveways. It was pretty and perfect. A really good location for ‘The Real Housewives of Shyton’, if ever it was going to be made. It was a stark cry from where Tommy resided, for certain.
Shyton United’s long-standing goalie was signed 6 years ago, after being spotted playing for Saint Paul’s Catholic boarding school. From his Catholic boarding school’s f*******: page, I was able to find a Catholic Priests’ football team photo with a spotty teenage James Black in the middle, surrounded by various priests of different ages all leering at him. Cosy.
K-Y showed us into his house, where all the lights were off and just a few candles were lit.
K-Y: This is my humble abode.
STANLEY: Why do they call you K-Y?
K-Y: Funny story. It’s because I normally almost always have lime-flavoured jelly as part of our pre-game meal.
STANLEY: Why are the lights off?
K-Y: We’re big environmentalists. Honey? Great news! Babe, what you doing in the conservatory with the lights off? They won’t be able to see you! They’re shy.
STANLEY: I see.
K-Y: It’s finally happening. I’m going to be a huge star. Soon, I’ll be England’s number one goalie!
I could make out the footsteps of K-Y’s partner walking away. Wasn’t able to get a visual.
K-Y: Camera-shy. Bless.
STANLEY: What was your background like?
K-Y: Well, I’m from a tiny village where my dad’s a priest—pretty conservative background. Got sent to a Catholic boarding school, which was tough. Those nuns and priests hated kids. Not all of them, some were quite loving.
STANLEY: Loving?
K-Y: Yes, went above and beyond. Comfort us when we got homesick, help us with our homework, made sure we washed inside and out. There was one, Father Victor O’Reilly who was a right meanie though. Any excuse to smack us, tap our knees and take liberties with rulers.
STANLEY: What kind of liberties?
K-Y: You know, what priests do with rulers and pens… Prodding, poking and stuff. Backsides didn’t half hurt sometimes.
- Writer
